The Book that Made a Difference (The Alchemist)

Pulled from personal post from Fertilitchat.com

It made a difference
Every once in a while we read books that can open our eyes and our hearts. Sometimes the changes appear to us as we turn each page and delve further and further into the depths of a story. Other times a realization or a sense of satisfaction can blanket us as we close the book on the last page and realize that we have read something that truly has touched our souls. And for some, they may not realize that they had read anything great until well after the last page had been turned and the story concluded. Years later they glance back on life and acknowledge that something changed that day.

I did not read "The Secret", however I did listen to it, or at least an abbreviated version of it. To some people this book was inspirational and moved them to change their approach on life. For me, it was much more of a reminder then anything as much of what was spoken in it was the same as I was raised and just repeated how I already lead my life. Yet, just because we "already knew something" doesn't mean we didn't need a refresher course. When the creatures of negative thoughts begin to invade our minds. Something as simple as a few words on a page is all we need to remind us, that the power of our own success is not written anywhere, but is right inside us where it's been all along.

The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho is not a "self help" book per say. It is merely the story of a young Shepherd and what he learns through his travels. Yet, this simple story has helped so many and now most recently me. I know that there are many people in life who just don't know what they want to do with their lives. They follow the guidelines, get educations, find work, build families and go through the motions of life without living it.

I have been very fortunate in my life. I found love in my mid teens and never let it go. Although unsure of where my education was to take me I followed the simple road which lead me to a career and a skill set that allows me the variety and creative stimulation that I need to keep me happy and willing to get out of bed each morning. I have had challenges that have crossed my path, but none as long, nor as challenging I suspect as infertility.

As much as there have been moments in this journey that have tested my commitment to my goal, our goal, my love, my confidence and my drive to succeed.... somehow I was able to overcome them all. So often we look forward into our future and we see road blocks. Some huge, others enormous. Together they would surely devour us in one gulp if given the chance. Sometimes we build our own road blocks. A little self diagnoses, a few assumptions based on some information here and there and voila! We're self proclaimed barren infertile outcasts not worthy of the love of another human being, selfishly protecting ourselves from the simple joys of life. Perhaps a slightly extreme depiction of one who is reproductively challenged. However not terribly that far off when we get in our "moods". You all know what "moods" I'm talking about. I hang my head in shame just thinking about some of the terrible things I've thought and wished on others. No matter how much I hurt or have hurt... shame on me.

Fortunately we have "Angels", "Gods" and "Guides" watching over us. Guiding us. Reminding us that these obstacles will not be challenging us all at once. Together, with the support of our spirituality and the love of our partners and families we will tackle just one of these obstacles one at a time. And when we are done with one we will move onto the next. Some challenges are simple, others obviously less so. Some challenges are repetitive. Much like the holidays. The first year of trying to conceive we take solace in the hope and dream that next year we will not be where we are this year. Next year we will have our blessing. Come next year we won't need the strength to over come the pain of the sorrow of infertility so nicely gift wrapped this holiday season. Some times we look back on multiple holidays and instead of gaining strength from battles well fought and won. We give those small hurdles the opportunity to join forces and tackle us as a whole. Most survive, but not all.

It's not just "the holidays", it's baby showers, friends, family, strangers. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in wanting what everyone else "has" that we forget about our own journey and we start looking for detours and shortcuts to the finish line. We feed the pain of infertility and we allow it to engulf us and to take over. We sometimes get bitter, cynical and resentful to the point that we forget or choose to ignore the signs and omens that our guides are showing us, the ones that remind us that we're on the right path. WE ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH! No matter how seemingly long and untraveled it may seem.

It's been said in many ways and by many people. The things that we want most in life aren't free, nor do they come easily. Just when you think you're so close to success challenges arise to test your commitment to your goals. It's our duties to overcome these challenges. As much as they are placed in our paths to prevent us from succeeding, they are placed there to remind us of the internal fire that burns within, that drives us to see our dreams through.

Sometimes we loose the challenges. Sometime the cynicism and bitterness win out and we give up hope and we give up on our dreams. We let our lives take a new direction and we loose focus on what the original plan was.

Should this be the case, hope is not lost just yet. For the first little bit we relish the new us. We relish that we are no longer struggling with an seemingly impossible dream and we look to embrace our new existence. However, deep inside we don't forget. Our hearts remind us that we are not on the path to seeing our dreams come true.

Some choose to listen right away and get back on the horse and move on. Others, they ignore that little voice in their heads. They ignore the beating of their hearts. The heart beats louder, the voice speaks up; but just for a moment. These people who ignore their calling, they don't necessarily lead boring lives, nor do they even suffer. For we can't suffer from a loss of something we've never known. The voice ceases. The heart quiets and life goes on.

But, there are those of us who don't ignore. We listen to our hearts, we listen to our souls and we listen to our guides. We ask for forgiveness for straying from our paths and we get back on right where we left off without even missing a beat. The loss is not having achieved ones dreams, the greater loss is not having even tried. If I were to die tomorrow, I would know that I died trying. For there is happiness in the trying to achieve ones dreams.

This simple story has helped me see the omen's that have guided me to this point in my journey. Although I could feel the power that was guiding me when times were tough I was too weak perhaps to know what it was. Drained, battered and discouraged somehow I always moved forward.

I can't say for sure that my personal legend is to experience conception, gestation or even raising of children. I can't say that I know exactly where I'm going or where I'll end up. My future is written and when there's room for rearrangements or alterations I will be given the opportunity to do so. But for the mean time I will move forward on my journey towards IVF and I will look back on 4 years and 10 months and I will see all the omen's that were provided to me. I will appreciate every lesson that has been learned, I will gain strength and inspiration not from those who surround me, but from within because I am stronger then I know and I have shown not only the world, but myself that yes, this is the path that I am to be on.

When my children come to me, to us they will know love like no others. They will be offered security, shelter, knowledge and confidence. They will be shown the power of choice and they will be taught to listen to their hearts and their spirits and to never stop listening and to never stop dreaming.

I know that there are so many of us who silently (some quieter then others) travel the roads of infertility. We each have our struggles, we each have our lessons to learn. I look back and I think to myself there have been so many moments that the end has seemed so near. There have been so many moments where everything has seemed so clear and that I have been touched by happiness. For every moment of sorrow, pain and frustration that I have experienced I have found strength and the power to move forward. Yet somehow in the past 8 weeks even I have learned so much not just about the world around me, but about the world within me.

Within 18 months of trying to conceive I can look back and I can see that the soul of the world spoke to me through my mother in law and told me that IVF was coming. I took those words and I fought them tooth and nail. I struggled within to accept a fate that seemed impossible. But I look back now and I say thank you. Thank you for speaking to me. Thank you for preparing me.

I can now look back on that conversation of a girl who was destined for IVF and see that I have learned many lessons that will not only make me a better Mother, but a better person. Although this is certainly a path I wouldn't have chosen for myself I have accepted that this is the path that was given to me and should it be the only path to achieve my happiness, then it is the path that I will travel. For ultimately I don't care to accept anything less then the ultimate dream come true. I will know it's success when the time is right and I will look back at all that came before it and i will savour the memories of all the lessons it brought.

Once again I thank each of you for your support along this road as I surely wouldn't have made it this far without you. I hope that everyone who is seeking guidance and reassurance as to why they are here take a few hours to read the Alchemist. I hope that somehow it's simple story is able to offer you the insight and the strength to prevail. And if nothing else it helps remind you to listen to your voice within and listen to your heart and teaches you to speak the language of the world.

Thank you.

D