Are You Ready?

Seems a very common start to many of the questions I'm asked as of late is "Am I ready?"

Ready?

Ready for it to be over?
Ready for baby?
Ready for...?

When I hesitate to answer people try to clarify? LIke, are you uncomfortable? Are you ready to be done with pregnancy? Are you getting excited for baby's arrival? Do you have everything you need?

I swear the more questions I'm asked the more get lost in thought. You see these may be simple conversation questions for those on the outskirts of his experience. But from the inside looking out, they really are very loaded questions, some of which I have yet to find an answer for.

Am I ready for baby?
I suppose I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I'm scared. I'm scared that I really have no idea what to do and that I'll be a screw up. I'm scared that there will be complications and that once again I'll be forced to the fringe longing for some kind of "normal". I don't know how to be ready for baby other then to be open and willing and ready to love. I don' know if I want to breast feed, I figure I'll give it a go and see how it goes. I have no parenting policies set in place as to what's ok and what's not. I have no idea what to expect in the sleep deprived world that awaits me.

Am I ready for pregnancy to be over??
Again a loaded question.... Sure I long for my fitness. I long for forbidden foods. I long for energy and freedom and flexibility.... but I'm not willing to trade any of those things in to not have this baby stay where it belongs for as long as possible. You see, I fear that should I say yes at any point in time that it will some how acknowledge and start a series of events that will lead to babies pre-term arrival.... again, something I'm seriously not keen to experience.

I've been 'fortunate so far in that I haven't gained a lot of weight or discomfort through pregnancy. I've been able to sleep and be comfortable and more or less lead a reasonably normal existence. But I've been noticing that things are growing and that depending on how much longer I last, those blissful days of being "smaller" then many are numbered and that I too will soo experience the less pleasant realities of pregnancies.

I get to thinking about how others speak and predict their futures with their children. I listen to them as they say they will not allow this, or tolerate that. I listen as they sound so protective of their children and who will be granted access to them, at what time and at what frequency. I hear people express concerns about germs and vaccinations and how much babies are held.... and I wonder if something is wrong with me?

I am not afraid of germs. Frankly, if I no someone who's kid has the chicken pox, I'll be making a play date. If they want to have mud pies, or they pick something off the ground and put it in their mouths, then I'll shrug it off and not panic... it's dirt... so be it. When other people want to hold baby and share their love and cuddles, I'll pass her along for I feel for some reason that she is not just mine to enjoy. This baby belongs to us all, I am simply it's keeper and primary care giver... certainly yes, and it's Mother, not that that is something not to acknowledge. For some reason, I find reassurance and comfort in knowing that there will be so many people to love this little child so that the weight of all that love needed won't rest solely on my shoulders.... that sounds weird doesn't it?

I guess, I'm afraid I may not love her enough or care for her enough or be able to offer all that she deserves. By having such an incredible support system I can trust that there will be plenty of love to go around and on days where I'm lost, there will be others to keep us going.

I wonder... will there be that epiphany? That moment that so many people describe where the pain of birth immediately disappears and the world stands still as I gaze at our new baby and fall immediately in love? Will it be like everything people say? Will angels sing and the world stand still? Will the world as I knew it stop so suddenly and permanently that I won't even flinch or notice?

I know my Motherly instincts are sharpening. I know this by the protective fear I felt for baby last week when we thought there was something really worth worrying about. I know I have it in me.... but at the same time it's yet to be fully developed.... I guess I'm afraid it won't be fully there when the time comes.

Tomorrow will be week 33..... for "normal" pregnancies that would still mean 7 weeks to go. For us, if we're lucky we'll make it 5 more... 5 more weeks will go so fast, yet so slow at the same time. But if my instincts are closer to our reality we'll be done in the next 3 weeks... anything more then one more week will be a blessing... heck, everything until now has been a blessing apparently.

Tomorrow will be another appointment, including measurements, NST, dietitian and hematologist where we'll discuss a birth "plan"... frankly, a plan seems like such a waste at this point as plans have never really panned out for us to date... but we'll give it a go.

Week two of house arrest... here we come.


D