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What to feel around pregnant women?

Posted by Myrtle , 23 September 2013 · 1431 views

pregnant pregnant friends infertility secondary infertility
I have slowly been coming to terms with our secondary infertility.  My husband was very quick to adjust to the idea of having just one child, and fine with that.  I was not.  It's been almost four years of trying now, with various treatments, and this summer, I really started to feel calmer with myself.  Almost like a forgiveness to me, for being so upset and for being mad at myself for something I have no control over.  
 
So now, I find myself surrounded by people I know, who are still becoming pregnant, and joking about how their next one will turn out, and I feel left out.  I feel annoyed, but I want to feel happy for them.  I want to be excited and I kind of am, but I am also frustrated because of the fact that they did it, and I didn't.  
 
I am not super religious, so I don't feel like god is testing me, or the world.  But I do want to choose a way to react that is somewhat positive, or at least try to train my mind to go to a good place when I hear this news from someone I know, since it just will not stop.  I mean, people are going to just keep having babies, no matter how I feel about it.  I want to be able to stay friends with someone, even when they are pregnant.  
 
Though, in hindsight, I know that one friend I had, knew about my struggles with IF, and she dumped me when she got pregnant.  Another friend I had, she never wanted children, and when I got pregnant we started to drift, and now we just have just fallen out of touch.  I wonder if she thinks I dumped her.  
 
Anyways, I was really liking this one woman, like wanted to be facebook friends and stuff, and now she has announced she is pregnant and I find myself stepping back.  It is stupid because she is still very nice and funny and I can see us having good times together.  At the same time, I suddenly feel like super jealous.  Argh.  
 
I need somewhere to put the jealousy feelings.  I guess they are just here for right now.  

  • Serene likes this



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CathySchwenning
Sep 23 2013 09:57 PM
It's a natural feeling! Don't worry about the jealous feelings.. You can always come here to vent & share!

It's totally natural to feel this way. Maybe the best approach is no approach: be in touch when you feel ok about it and don't when you think talking to the pregnant woman or seeing her is too much for you. I don't think the jealousy ever entirely goes away whether we have no kids, 1 kid or 10 kids. I think it's easier to direct our own behavior and emotions than to expect the other person to be sensitive to our situation. Infertility should never deprive us of control in all other aspects of our lives.

    • Beth83 likes this
It's a hard spot to be in and many friendships don't survive through it. Prior to having my daughter, I would find it really difficult to be around pregnant women and some women who had young children particularly if they hadn't experienced IF. I would tell myself that IF is what I have to deal with and even though they have not likely had to deal with IF, everyone has had something traumatic to deal with in life. IDK, somehow this made me feel better but I also engaged in a lot of avoiding people and really checking out of life.
    • galfromaway and Beth83 like this

It's such a tough spot to be in....I have times of happiness and joy for other people and watching their families grow, and other days it's all too much to take and I want to hide under a rock.  But like you said, they will keep having babies so it's good to just be happy when you can and let yourself be jealous/upset when you need to be.  You can't hold it all in or you'll explode!

I agree with Saffy for sure, I always tell myself that this is my cross to bear....if some fertile couples have absolutely no trouble having 2, 3, 4 kids etc. I bet you they have (or have had) struggles somewhere else in their life.  It's not a way to be happy for their grief it's just a way to remind myself that no one's life is perfect.

 

I would tell you to just put your jealous feelings aside and be friends with all of these people anyways, as they will keep your life whole and content.  I wish I could take my own advice!

    • chiara, galfromaway, MB. and 1 other like this

I totally understand...I often felt bitter when anyone would annonce they were expecting.....I always acted happy but then would find somewhere to cry

    • Bubby99 and juice like this
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positivethinker
Sep 30 2013 09:14 AM

I cry every time one of my friends gets pregnant then I act funny around them the whole pregnancy. I feel so jealous and angry inside but no one understands me. NO ONE! How can I tell someone this without them thinking I am a weirdo so I have no choice but to keep it bottled up inside.

**** my life!

I'm going through that exact situation right now. My ds is 3 years old and we've been trying since he turned 1. At this moment every single one of the mom's in my mommy group are pg. Most of them on their first try. We're talking over 25. AT THE SAME TIME! My best friend is also 14 weeks and we have drifted apart. She knows of our struggle but she just doesn't get it. Every time we're together all she does is complain about her pregnancy and talk about everyone elses.

 

Since then I've been seeing a counsellor. She told me the way I'm feeling is completely normal and I need to do what I need to do to stay sane. If you need time away from everyone, that's fine. If they don't understand that's their problem. Not yours.

 

I hope it gets better for us all :)

    • Myrtle likes this
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Hopeful and Praying
Oct 09 2013 03:38 PM

I felt the same way.  People at work would be announcing their pregnancies and it's a bittersweet moment.  I mean, you act happy and congratulate them, but inside, you're hurting.  It's worse when people ask when and if you are going to have a baby.  I'm tired of saying, "Oh, we're trying". 

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Marydowsett2013
Oct 13 2013 03:19 PM

I felt the same way, I tried naturally for children for 7 years with no luck and no money for ivf, i found with my friends who had babies, i would be there for the first few months but found myself drifting cause it was hard on me. Its good that you can recognize it and maybe work on it, it doesnt mean you will always feel this way. But its a normal emotion for all of us. 

Best advice I've been given is to a) protect myself. So step back and do what I have to do in order to heal. B) talk to my good friends about my hardship & how difficult it is for me. and ask them to be considerate & to have normal discussion. And it works! I had a lot of anxiety that all they'd talk about was their pregnancy...and most people do that. All the time. All day long! But once you tell them what's up & what you need - your good friends will comply. They don't want to see you hurt.

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