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Chasing a Rainbow

Posted by BCgirl , 22 March 2012 · 1243 views

Its been almost 2 months now since I got the official BFN from my first IVF cycle. I honestly thought that as time went by the pain ot that news would lessen and I would be able to pick up the pieces and muster up the courage and strength to move forward. Sadly, this has not been the case for me. I feel as though every day that goes by I sink deeper and deeper into this dark place that I am afraid I am never going to be able to get out of. This has impacted my marriage, my friendships, my career. I feel like I dont even know myself anymore.

I realized the other day that I have spent my entire 30's and my entire married life trying to get pregnant-that's 6 years now. I have had numerous tests, treatments, procedures, spent more money than I even want to think about, lost 3 babies, and my husband and I still arent parents. When does a person stop?

From my last IVF cycle I have 5 Day 5 embryos on ice. I can honestly say I do not know if I am going to go forward transferring them. After my BFN in February, I was gung ho to go forward with an FET right away but as time has gone by, I just really dont know...

Last year i met a woman and strangely enough, even though it was the first time we met, we got talking about infertility. She told me of her own struggles with infertility and how she and her husband had done 1 IVF cycle which resulted in a BFN. She told me that even though they too had frozen embryos, they never proceeded with an FET; they later had them destroyed. At that time, I had not yet started my own IVF cycle and I just could not even fathom how they could have not proceeded with their frozen embryos-it just didnt make sense to me.

I feel like I get it now. I now understand the cumulative emotional toll all of this treatment has on a person. I now understand reaching the point where the risk of heartbreak from yet another BFN actually outweighs the chance that it could potentially work. At some point, self-preservation kicks in and whatever sanity there is left needs to be preserved. So much of my energy has been used up by infertility these last few years that there is very little left for other important things in my life like my husband, my family, even myself...

Within the last year I have become very good friends with a coworker of mine. She really was my biggest cheerleader throughout my IVF cycle in Jan/Feb and I will be forever greatful to her for her endless support and encouragement. It was our mutual quest for motherhood that brought us together as we both learned we were sharing in the same journey. She was relatively "new" in the infertility world having been trying for about around 18 months.

I just learned the other day that she is pregnant after having her second try at IUI. I am thrilled for her truly that she is going to have this dream fulfilled. She told me that she never ever truly deep down to the core thought she would ever get pregnant and that she was probably going to give up if her second IUI didnt work. She said that that should help me realize to keep going as she felt the lesson to be learned from her experience was to never give up and to challenge those deep down core beliefs that it wont work.

I wish I could say that seeing her get her BFP made me feel that way but truly, Ive never wanted to give up more than I do right now. I truly believed that fertility treatments would work for me. I mean, I definitely had that small voice in my head saying what if it doesnt but I really thought it would. I have remained positive through so much disappointment and heartbreak. I just dont think I have one more ounce of strength left in my body to do one more treatment or face one more potential disappointment. I have hit the wall. I have always been the type of person to not take no for an answer. If I wanted something in life I went after it until I got it. No was never an option for me. Maybe my lesson in life out of all of this is the exact opposite of my friend's. Maybe my lesson is learning how and when to let go, and that no is an option. 6 years I've spent chasing a rainbow...

  • ladylazarus likes this

I am sorry for what you are going through, BC girl. Wish you strength and hopefully you will find peace with whatever decision you take for the future.
Mar 22 2012 11:03 PM
Knowing your limit is a good thing; maybe you really have reached your breaking point or maybe you just need a substantial break to regroup. Even though I'm sure you appreciate your friend's attempt at encouragement, I'm guessing her diagnosis is entirely different. I'm curious if your RE had anything at all to say about your BFN or if you've spoken with a counselor who specializes in IF (recently if you've already seen one at some point). To be so brave in the face of so much heartbreak takes a massive toll. I'm so sorry for all this and I, too, wish you strength and courage. Just sharing your story here is a very powerful thing.
I'm sorry that you are in this place. I can relate as I'm in a similar place. We have five frosties left. My IVF didn't work, my first donor egg cycle didn't work, my second donor egg cycle we froze 7 day 3 embryos, and my first FET didn't work at Christmas. I often wonder if it would have just been easier if we didn't have those 5 embryos hanging over our heads and I wonder if doing 2-3 more FET is just prolonging the inevitable BFN and subsequent heartache. But now it has been 3 months since the last cycle I'm starting to have some hope creep back in. It is tentative hope as I know there are no guarentees.
I think it is difficult in this age of wonderful IF treatments to know when enough is enough and what the end is for each of us. Having said that I urge you not to do anyting drastic soon while you are still so raw over your recent BFN. One of the benefits of having the frosties is that in some ways it stops the biological clock. You can decide to use those embryos next week or give it a go in 5 years. Take care and be kind to yourself in the next while.

    • ladylazarus likes this
Mar 23 2012 12:06 AM
I took me 9 months to cycle after my failed IVF.

We have two embryo's available from our last IVF... I don't know that I'll ever be able to use them. Even though we eventually succeeded. I too don't know that I am willing to risk what little I have left of myself.

I hope, as time moves on the healing returns and helps lift you back up.

BC Girl,
Thanks for sharing and being so open and honest. All very well said and I can relate. No matter how hard you try to not let IF dominate your life, it is inevitable. It too, has effected my work and friendships. Dh and I are about to embark on our 2nd fresh cycle after 3 BFN and losses before that. I am prepared to go through this fresh cycle but at this moment, I think that is all I will do, depending on the frosties. I never have felt like this before, but I feel like I cannot go on much more. The tests, the wait, the 100% complete hold on life, etc.etc, it is soooo much. IF has taught me many things. I am often sad, mad, hurt, depressed, hopeless, and so on. Just as often I am happy, content, hopeful, and positive. I have learned through this process that all those feelings are fine to have and don't define me as a person. I also really believe that IF makes us stronger, if we let it. And more appreciative of the things we do have and the gifts of life. I also have learned one big lesson, and that is never say never (and if you do, it is ok to change your mind). I never thought I would have troubles getting pregnant, I never thought IVF would not work, I never thought I would loose friends, I never thought we would be so excited about the idea of adoption, I never thought many things. SO you never know how you will feel today, tomorrow, next month, next year. Just honor where you are at right now. Whatever you do will be the right thing for you guys. Know you are not alone in the journey and "that everything will be ok in the end, if it is not ok, it is not the end". Take care!
    • ladylazarus likes this
Thank you so much for your support ladies- I cant tell you enough how much your understanding and words of encouragement mean to me! Thank you for sharing your stories as well- it truly is comforting to know I am not alone in this and that the feelings I have are normal and shared by others at times as well. xo

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