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Thank you from all the sock monkeys

Posted by feydruss , 26 October 2011 · 1326 views

  • January 2012
  • February 2013
  • February 2013
  • October 2012
  • May 2012
  • Duncan 21m
  • February 2012
  • June 2012
  • March 2012
  • hipstergapDuncan 18m
  • An armful of happiness
  • We don't like to match
  • Milan
  • Duncan
  • yay!
  • It's hard to look this cool in legwarmers
  • Awwwww
  • This is how Duncan eats his crackers
  • Happy Milan
  • You want us to do WHAT?

A year ago this week I went to an OB appt at 30w and ended up in the hospital for three weeks before delivering two perfect teeny tiny boys. Right now they are playing "duelling exersaucers" in front of me and seeing who can screech the loudest (Milan is winning).

As they approach their first birthday, and my life is so full in so many ways, it seems time to express my deepest gratitude to the members of this site, and graduate.

I had a blog, as many of you might remember, and after some negative comments several months ago I made the regrettable decision to delete it. I try to live my life with few regrets, but that is one of my biggies. It was a chronicle of cycling and my pregnancy that I will never get back, and is not duplicated anywhere else. At least I have my cycle and due date threads, which I will revisit to remind myself how it all went.

I'd like to recap my journey here in order to share how meaningful my time on the site has been.

After going off the pill in the spring of 2008, it became clear that my hormones were whacked, and my doctor thought I could be approaching PMOF. Essentially we were pressured into TTCing before DH was ready (but I was ready, I think my body was telling my brain something). An OB/GYN friend of mine put me on Clomid in June 2008. Six months, nothing. We got some referrals to REs, but were told that the wait time for a consult where I live (Edmonton) would be 12-18 months! When DH had a meeting in Vancouver in March, we contacted Genesis and they said they could see us while we were there, no problem.

After that March consult, we decided to do our first fresh IVF cycle in August/September 2008. I won't bother detailing the cycle, as the basics are in my signature, but suffice to say that it didn't work. I fell into a bit of a funk that fall after the BFN and the discovery of a cyst that delayed our FET (which also failed). After the failed FET in January we decided to jump right back on the horse and into a new fresh cycle.

Well, everything went wrong with that cycle. I responded very poorly to the same stims as six months previous, so I ended up stimming higher and longer, and producing less. DH was unable to be with me in Vancouver for ER or ET due to business travel, so he had to come and put his sample in the freezer. When it was defrosted, his swimmers were in bad shape. Thankfully we were doing ICSI so we didn't need a million Michael Phelps, but it was still very demoralizing. When the lab called and recommended a 3-day transfer our hearts sank and we immediately began planning (hopefully!) FET in a couple of months. During the 2ww I began to book travel and accommodation back to Vancouver for the next cycle, we were so sure we would get a BFN.

My beta was supposed to be on Monday, May 3. The previous Wednesday I decided to just go ahead and get the BFN confirmed with a FRER, since I wanted to have drinks and sushi with houseguests that weekend. Imagine my shock when two lines instantly came up with weak midday urine. That May 3 beta ended up being over 1700. In another ten days it was at 51,000 and twins were confirmed.

My DH was very distressed at the idea of twins. He was afraid for my health and safety in the pregnancy, and his ability to parent two at once. It took a few months for him to get used to the idea, and when we had a CVS scare with Baby B at the end of T1 we realized that this was the hand we had been dealt and we had to play it. Thankfully everything turned out okay, and the rest of the pregnancy was pretty uneventful.

I loved being pregnant, much to my surprise. I've always suffered from poor body image, but I felt comfortable in my own (expanding) skin for the first time.

Then at 30w I was admitted and diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome. Even more dangerous was the fact that I only have one kidney. They were threatening to deliver me within a few days, but DH was in Europe and I begged them to wait until he got home. My labs were flip-flopping, and there was no clear indication that I was in critical danger. So we waited. DH came home exhausted, with a stuffed sheep from Denmark that we named "Clampy."

Two weeks of finessing blood pressure meds, mag sulf, catheters, multiple IVs, and bloodwork 4-6 times a day. We lived from lab to lab, hour to hour, day to day. The boys were incredibly uncooperative with the nurses trying to perform NSTs on them 3x a day, kicking at the transducer, moving around, and crowding together to confuse the signals. Little monkeys!

I made it another two weeks. I was ready to push for another two when the labs started showing that my kidney and liver were shutting down. So on Monday, November 15 we waited for DH's clinic to be done for the day, and my OB's clinic to be done for the day, and introduced the boys to the world. They were 3lbs 5oz each and incredibly strong and healthy. No ventilation needed, just some bili lights and growing and feeding. They were in the hospital for a month, and then came home to "real life."

Real life then (and now) means fragmented sleep, perpetual bewilderment that we made these people, struggling with colic and reflux, constipation and teething, memorizing giggles and hugs, and counting down the hours until they're in bed again. It means asking for help and trying not to feel guilty about it. It means collecting strollers instead of handbags. It means being proud to be a mother of twins, and trying to get into fighting form so I can chase them around when they start walking. Until I had children the thing I was most proudest of was not my education or experiences (which are both varied), but my marriage. Now I can add our boys to that. It was a hard road to get here, but we couldn't have had a more ideal outcome.

Here on ivf.ca I've felt supported and understood in a way that I never could have in the outside world. I don't have any "real" friends who have suffered from infertility. I don't know anyone else who has done IVF. I don't really know any other twin mothers. Some of the friends I've made here I will keep for a very long time, if not forever.

So many here have succeeded, failed, given birth, given up, or simply change their perspective on their original goals. And I applaud every single one of you. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for being you. I can't possibly single anyone out, but those whom I've communicated with, you know who you are. And to those who are new to the site, welcome to one of the best places you'll ever hang out online. After coming here every day for two years, it's going to be hard to wean myself off. But life moves on, and so must I, if only to keep up with the junior sock monkeys.

I've added some pictures and made my gallery public for anyone who wants to see the boys, and I'm happy to provide my personal e-mail address to anyone who wants to keep in touch. I wish all of you joy and strength in all you do.




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silverdollar
Oct 26 2011 07:11 PM
What a beautiful entry. I'm sorry too that you erased your ivf.ca blog, I always enjoyed reading your honest entries. I remember the ups and downs of your cycles, the CVS scare, the adjustments to pregnancy, the major medical scares just before the delivery, and then seeing those two tiny little guys snuggling each other in the NICU. What a time! That said, you do have a good point about moving forward with life and not being stuck in the past. Those two gorgeous young gents are not going to slow down anytime soon. Thanks for sharing the photos, and I hope you continue to pop by now and again. I'm following your new blog and look forward to poking my nose in on how the boys are doing now and again.
Hey there - I just wanted to say what a great post - I am genuinely thrilled for you! I was cheering for you and really appreciated the kindess, humor and wisdom you brought to this site. Thank you for all of this! Wishing you and your family the very best!

Kyla
Sorry just an aside - I just checked out the pictures - your two boys are gorgeous - is your DH perhaps East Indian? If so this is a beautiful combination (I should know, it is mine and I am hot as shit - LMFAO). Enjoy those two!!
Yes he is, Kyla. Thanks! :) They're pretty awesome halfies.
I knew it! Us "halfers" are apparently "supposed" to be hotter than the average bear because we represent biological diversity - LOL!!! I am sure that will be of little comfort when all the teenage girls are circling your house :)
Nice blog feydruss. Keep this one for your journal. Your boys are beautiful and sweet.
Stacy
I always really enjoyed reading you posts/ blog and appreciated your honesty and humour. I wish you the very best with your beautiful family! Take care of yourself and your little sock monkeys :)
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I read this, knowing that your story has a happy ending resulting in some absolutely adorable little boys. I wish you and your beautiful family all the best.
A beautiful post. I hope you keep Twinning at life going so I can follow your future adventures there. btw, nothing on the internet is ever totally lost. A couple of your posts are still on the wayback machine.

http://web.archive.o...232-a-fey-life/
What a ride! Your boys are beautiful and I am happy to hear that you are all thriving!
I will miss you! I, too, followed you story from the beginning of you pregnancy, and always admired your honesty and your support for others on here. You have a beautiful family, and I wish you well :) I'll be sure to keep an eye on your blog.
Sandra, I'm crying right now. Thank you so much. I looked there, but couldn't find anything. You are wonderful.
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ladylazarus
Oct 26 2011 09:57 PM
I'll never forget that we went through our CVS tests a few days apart; I didn't want to tell you that "yes, it does hurt!" so I lied and said it wasn't so bad ;-) If there's such a thing as the hair gene, your boys have some sort of fantastic mutation of it. I think when I was their age, I looked like Homer Simpson. Whenever I see a sock monkey, I think of you :-)
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Karolinasmommy
Oct 26 2011 10:42 PM
An amazing blog entry and very adorable boys! I wish you all the best:)
Wonderful post - I think "PB & J", the embryos, have become beautiful babies, Milan and Duncan - it has been lovely to see them develop over the past year and a half and to peek into your lives - from the anxiety over the CVS (even the disappearing beta from wrong test results!) to the HELLP syndrome - to the question of whether your in-laws would get the grandson they wanted (twin girls would have made things awfully interesting!) - to the namings. It has been interesting to watch as you made your choices and see how it has panned out (your father-in-law choosing to ignore the Duncan part and call him Arjun for example).
I wish you much luck and enjoyment in your parenting future.
Thanks, Sharlene! I have fond memories of cycling together, and it always surprises me how many people remember all the details of these things. I think I've blocked out half of them! :)
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heres2hoping
Oct 27 2011 10:53 AM
Thanks for sharing your story! I am so happy for you, and understand the sheer happiness you can feel from having these blessings in your life. You don't care about "stuff" anymore, only love for them. Congratulations!
Best wishes to you! I am enjoying your new blog btw.
Fey, I too, miss your old blog and am SO happy Sandra Dee found those entries for you. That was incredibly kind of you Sandra. It is a really amazing experience, having others to share your journey with, even if it is, for the most part, in cyberland. We know more about each others' day to day lives than even our families and many closest friends. I know we will continue to be twin mommy friends for many years to come, and I look forward to watching the kiddies grow up!
Happy Graduation, fellow cyclebuddy! xo
Sorry that it wasn't as many posts as I'd first hoped but there was one at least, maybe more if you try different capture dates on the Way-back machine. I wonder if Rick has access to old back-ups from this site that you could beg or bribe him for.

I just think it's such a shame that you've lost the documentation of those memories. I know how important that kind of thing is for me. I recently went back and copied all of my old cycle-buddy posts and printed them out. It made me cry to read them all again.

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