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Zip your Lips

Posted by Karaoke_Pam , 05 August 2011 · 1332 views

So I have been having this battle with my MIL. She keeps blabbing away to everyone about our IF. When we found out we were candiates for IVF we did tell her. We specifically asked her not to tell anyone about it. IF is hard enough with out a billion people asking you questions.

So Tuesday night some family friends were over for a visit. They turned to me and said "so when do you find out your big news?"

I replied " I don't know what you are taking about."

" Oh your MIL told us you are doing IVF and find out soon if it worked." Well I lost it.

I called my MIL out infront of our friends.

She said she didn't tell anyone else BULL

My inlaws did help us with some of the expense of this because we found out unexpectedly that we had to do ICIS too at kinda the last minute. This was not planned for.

So we are very lucking that yesterday we got our official BFP.

I honestly struggled with telling MIL or not. Really she has proven she can't keep her mouth shut.

However DH and I were really excited so we told her. We had a really long conversation about the fact I am only 4.5 weeks pregnant and so much could go wrong and no one out side of the immideate family is to even have a thought we might be pregnant. It is our news to tell when the time it right etc..

Tonight I went to see her (she lives really close, kinda like Every Body Loves Raymond Close).

She told me she was going to see her mom tomorrow. I told her again she better not breath a word to her.

This is the best part.

She tells me that she has to admit that she already told people that we might be pregnant. "I didn't say you were i just said you might be" two of those people don't know how to keep their mouths shut either. So by next week the whole town will know our business thanks to MIL.


I am a very open person but when something is private it is private.

I feel hurt and I am feeling like maybe I don't want to share anymore info about the pregnancy with her.

The worst is DH has been working tons of over time this week so I have barely seen him and I really need his support on this since it's his mother.

I want to sit down with her again and stress the importance of this matter.

Am I wrong here to not want the whole world to know about my private life... except for this forum of course...

I know what you are saying.... I was open to some close people about IF and IVF and it turned out that I was so stressed answering questions and especially when it was BFN. I just saw very wide open eyes asking how this is possible, they placed 2 babies in u and nothing?! Oh Well... on the other side you have a good news. so...
You know what?! She already told to other people and u can't change it. Just enjoy your pregnancy and the rest will work out. At this point it is better to enjoy then to stress out.
Have a happy 9 months and ENJOY every day!
Aug 06 2011 09:39 AM
The general public equates IVF with automatic success the majority of the time. This is just not the case in reality, so it's a really good thing that you are pregnant and will have good news to share when you are ready.
Aug 06 2011 09:53 AM
I have a co-worker who I shared a lot with (I'm pretty open and needed the understanding when I had to take time off and all that, especially without a lot of notice -- my job is not the kind where I can just come in late or be absent and no one cares - I need replacement if I'm not going to be there) and before I did my IUIs (the cheap kind - $500 a cycle) she was all, "oh, it has to work for that much money!" (oh, how naive you are!) And then when neither of them worked she was shocked. "So that's $500 wasted?" Yeah, pretty much. Thanks for pointing that out, as if I don't feel bad enough already. So if someone that I've shared all the details with (including success rates) has that little grasp on what it all actually means, imagine what the general uninformed public thinks.

I found that the first time we did treatments, I told a bunch of people, but then for the second I didn't tell anyone anything, including when my beta was because I just couldn't stand everyone asking me about it and every time I commented that I was tired or hungry or anything, they were all "MAYBE YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!!" and it was just too much pressure. I would be really angry if someone were blabbing my business to people I didn't know, and I'm a pretty open person. As we are all painfully aware, even if you get that BFP it's not guaranteed so I would really want to be the one to choose when everyone else knows.

Congratulations, and here's to a wonderful 9 months ahead of you!
Aug 06 2011 10:57 AM
I'm so sorry she blabbed YOUR news to other people. Honestly, even if you hadn't told her NOT to tell anyone, it's bad form to spread other people's news without their permission. It should be your prerogative to make your own announcements. We couldn't tell DH's mother either because we knew she was unlikely to keep a secret regardless of the outcome.

Even though it's good news, I think it's OK to tell her that you are hurt that she didn't listen to you and why it is important that you can trust her in the future.
Aug 06 2011 10:57 AM
no, i do not think you are wrong.. privacy is important as we maneuvre through something so emotional.. that's great you want to talk with your husband about it more, but i also think it's your decision what boundaries you want to set. he can always have separate conversations with her and different boundaries for himself- but she'll need to respect yours. she sounds childish and untrustworthy with this type of news.. she has 'stars in her eyes' that everything will be 'fine'.. - which is probably why she wants to tell everybody. good intentions, but they're self-involved intentions and she's not listening to you.

you are so blessed to get your |BFP!! congratulations.. but many of us aren't comfortable fully celebrating til a later date. all the best to you :)
you are absolutely right to want your privacy and tell the people that YOU want to tell. I had a similar situation where we had to tell DH's brother as we were cycling when our nephew was getting married and we couldn't go to the wedding. They proceeded to tell EVERYONE at the wedding why we weren't there, despite us asking them not to. We started getting phone calls from family we hadn't spoken to in years. Needless to say we rarely speak to DH's brother anymore. Its sad, but they need to respect your privacy. I hope your DH understands how you feel and is supportive of it. I agree with Karen's post above that she's only seeing the positive side of this and has good intentions (she's excited for the possibilities for you).

Congratulations on your BFP though. Here's hoping your 9 months are smooth sailing!
Aug 06 2011 12:07 PM
My MIL is the exact same way. When we were finally pregnant all her friends and people at the lake even congratulated us on the success of our IVF. I was shocked at how many people she told, I guess once we were pregnant people thought we would be open about IF and admit they knew but I wasn't happy about. Stick to your guns and be firm with her, I'm a pushover with my MIL.
Good Fortune
Aug 06 2011 01:40 PM
Oh dear.
I can't keep my gob shut for five minutes so I could never blame someone for blabbing . Coupled with the fact that Joe Public thinks IVF = baby so she's therefore very excited... oh dear oh dear. If I tell someone a secret I only 50% think they'll keep it anyway. It's very very hard to keep IVF quiet. As if infertility's not hard enough eh?
Aug 06 2011 06:27 PM
I made the mistake of telling SIL. She is a massage therapist and took it upon herself to tell several of her clients cuz she was excited. It got back to me thru a friend who was getting her nails done by one of her clients. I snapped! We hadn't even told our parents, let alone our kids or friends yet. That night my life went very public. So I thought screw it, may as well make a blog, so at least the info is accurate.

Some people just don't think before they speak!
You are absolutely justified in being upset that your privacy was violated. I think this is definantly something that your DH should explain to his mother, you shouldn't be put in that position.

His mother = His responsibility

We told my mil and specifically asked her not to tell anyone either. At that point we just said it took us a long time to get pregnant and that we want to keep things quiet until as late as possible (ie. when I am showing and it is quite apparent that I am pregnant). Yes, that is quite late but infertility has turned me into a paranoid crazy person.

The next day (after we told her) we were getting phone calls from relatives (yes, more than one) to congratulate us. That was our test and she failed. My husband and I had decided that if she could keep our "secret" until at least the 3 month mark we would disclose our troubles to her. She will not be told about our treatments and what we went through. It's none of anyone's business anyways....unless I want it to be!

Have a happy 9 months and don't worry about your mil - it's not worth the anxiety and you deserve to enjoy yourself after everything you have been through!!

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