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Wish Me Luck - My little rant

Posted by Tanyamaree , 21 January 2014 · 1318 views

So back ground of my story see about me
I am about to embark on a journey that has me truley clueless for the first time. i have frozen eggs ( due to no sperm rancomly at retreival day , we now have back up sperm just in case) and i am scared that after spending my $8000  and then $450 to freeze sperm and now another $3000 now to do a transfer. i am now being told that if no eggs thaw good then i am out $11000 and need to try again . YES its a lot of money and im not really even sure if thats whats bothering me i think its more TIME. To save up, to do it again. We first put our deposit down Dec 2010 and since then have gotten one BFN, one BFP on a FET cycle that i miscarried at 10 weeks and then no sperm this past april. i just feel unlucky.
Maybe partially this week its bothering me bc i feel pressure - my younger sister got engaged at xmas and her wedding is in september and my older sister made the comment maybe shes rushing it bc she wants to just get marrried and have kids - well shes not really one to want kids ( like me anyways) and so i feel pressue and will BEYOND any pain i can expain will be so sad if she gets pregnent before me. Even as i say this right now i feel nervous... and scared that will happen.
i just want goodness , WHY ME and whens my break ! I am NOT suisidal by any means but i dont know how to keep going on with my life or life path. I wish there was some garreentee that yes you WILL get pregnant at some point , i would probably relax but i am so afraid - and i wonder of the ladies that have gotten pregnant did they feel how i do now?
I sit here at work and think about all the people that have children and i think why them and not me . ALL of my freinds have kids we are the only ones who dont and it KILLS me. i Feel so sad and i try to be strong but im starting to almost become immune to any feelings good or bad! Almost feeling stoned , i have my melt downs mostly when i am alone to long like when hubbys working away (which tonight might be one of those nights , he hasnt been gone in a while so i am a little scared to be alone but hopfully the tv will occupy my mind)
Well theres my rant - nothing really inparticular but nice none the less to talk out instead of keeping it in.
Going for blood work today just to confirm not preg before i start my next FET. i know it will be not but been off and so she wanted me to check for sure then probably about end of next week will start superfact
Wish me LUCk - BC I NEED IT!

Good luck! I have the exact same feelings after how our first IVF went.
Good luck and stay strong!

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