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Posted by hoping for two , 05 October 2011 · 1042 views

This is one crazy roller coaster and it's no fun!!!

Of course I cried on Monday when I got the call that my HCG level was dropping. I did my best to get myself together for my DH & DD after all she doesn't need to see me that way. Tuesday was hard to even get out of bed but I did, got the things I needed to do done. After DD volleyball game around 8 I crawled in bed, this is not like me I am definatly a night owl. So when the DH came in to check on me and give me a big hug, kiss and I love you. I had my break down. I didn't mean to It just came. Being able to let it all out without thinking just saying I realized I'm mourning the loss of my baby not a failed IVF cycle. I know I didn't get to feel him/her move or hear his/her heartbeat but I love him/her with all my heart. I know it was early but I felt my pregnancy the annoying frequent urinaton, fatigue, constipation and desire to eat fruits & veggies i haven't eaten in years. Just like the first time around with DD.

Today was my follow up BW to make sure the HCG is going down, well it's up to 49. What does this mean? Once again the nurse has no answers for me. I kind of laid in to her after all on Thursday when my count was 37 she didn't say this isn't that great of a number don't get your hopes up. She said your PG come in on monday to check your HCG. We were on cloud 9 all weekend!! So you can imagine how the last two days have been. She had the nerve to ask me if I stopped taking the meds....umm No you never told me to and frankly my gut told me not to. Her answer to my questions was to have the doctor call me back. Fine by me.

Dr. L called back quickly and now we're kind of left in limbo. She said it could be that there were twins and one is failing and the other is fighting to stay. My HCG should be much higher though. But there's no way of knowing I just have to keep coming back every two days for BW to see what the levels are doing and for me keep taking the endomitium. I know in the back of my mind it's over that this is probably my hormones just teatering or another eptopic. I feel a little better since I got this info but I'm really scared that this is false hope and the mourning will sart all over again.

I am usually in controll but all this has me spinning out of controll.....we are, we're not... why can't we just be?!

What are your thoughts?

Oct 06 2011 08:15 AM
I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this.
I don't have any thoughts on all of this.

Just wanted to let you know I have my thoughts and prayers that everything works out. We are all here for you regardless of the outcome.

(((BIG HUGS)))
That sucks. Sorry to hear that you're in that awful limbo.

Have they mentioned anything about the possibility of an ectopic? When I had a miscarriage they were concerned about that because I had increasing, but very low betas.

Edit: Ooops! Just re-read the last paragraph. Fingers crossed for you. Hopefully it's not!
It's hard with all the uncertainty. Betas are such a first indicator, and the RE's explanation does sound viable. Try and hang in there.
SO hard, but you are left in the land of limbo until the betas start to go up or down. There have been a few people who have had a pregnancy that ends up in a take home baby with unpredictable HCG numbers, hoping this may be the case for you............I know this sucks as the numbers don't look good. Sending you strength for your heart and mind and little bean...........
I'm so sorry that you're going through this limbo. I've been in HCG/u/s limbo too and it is truly awful. I really hope that things work out for you. I am thinking of you. And it's okay to cry...do it when you need to. ((Hugs))

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