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One very angry and sad lady

Posted by hoping for two , 03 October 2011 · 1039 views

I don't know where to start....maybe with a rant...sorry but I need to get somethings of my chest and just don't have anyone else to say them to. I guess I'll start with the biggest one I hate IVF right now!!! It's really breaking me down, I thought that I was a strong woman but all this disapointment and confusion makes me very weak! And I hate it!!! When I found out that I would not be able to conceive natrually I thought of it as blessing. But after one failed IUI (it actually turned out to be eptopic) and three failed IVF cycles I'm wondering is it really a blessing or just pure torture......false hope?!

I felt really good about this cycle, we removed my left tube (it was blocked) in July thinking that was the reason for the first two failed attempts ( I have no idea why we didn't just do it when it was found before we even tried IUI). I had all the symptoms I had with my DD 16 years ago around the time my period should of arrived, sore breast, fatigue, hunger. Then I started spotting on the 8th day after ET of course I got a little nervous so I took a HPT in the mornig of day 9 and got a BFP. Which left me confused so I called the Nurse she said it could be the Ovidrel giving me a false positive and that 80% of women spot/bleed during their first few weeks of pregnancy and not to take any more hpt. So I waited for Thursday, went for my blood work and waited for t he call. The nurse called at about 1:30 with the good news my hcg level was 37, we're PREGNANT! How exciting and nerve racking at the same time because I was still spotting. So I looked up some articles online bout spotting and got some good feed back, so I thought. Felt really good throught the weekend, very excited. Maybe this is hapening because we broke a cardinal rule and told a imediate family. They knew we were going through IVF again and were waiting on pins and needles like us. Well this morning I had to go back to make sure hcg was rising. I felt good all day I just knew the nurse was gonna call and tell me it's in the 100's. Of course not it has slipped down to 34. WTF! I am a mess! So I asked the nurse "is this it ? Am I losing it?" her response was "we really didn't have a good number on Thursday that's why the doctor wants you to come back in on wednesday to make sure it keeps coming down" WHAT?! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ON THURSDAY IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD!!! So now I'm lying here full of tears, failure, disapointment and anger. But worst of all mourning my baby I never got to feel & bond with.

Why are we dealt this hand in life. It seams everyone around me is getting pg with no problem, there not in love they don't tret there other children good and some of them aren't even in a serious relationship!! I amvery much in love with my husban we both have good jobs my DD is our why? I'm starting o give up on faith and hope!!

I can't believe we have to go throught this again! How does this make any sence?!

I am so sorry. It truly isn't fair. xx
I'm so sorry. This process is absolutely grueling and emotionally draining. You have every right to feel what you feel right now and I think blogging is an excellent way to express yourself.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Its agonizing. The nurse should have been upfront with you as to what the # meant, absolutely. When things settle you may want to let your RE know about how the nurse handled it. Keep writing. It does help. ((hugs))
Oct 03 2011 06:38 PM
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sadly, I know exactly how you feel as my first IVF cycle had the same result - with the same lack of info from my nurse. My first number was 56. I was ecstatic! It was a Friday and I celebrated all weekend! Until Monday when I went in for my 2nd beta and it dropped to 10. Then I was devastated. And angry! The nurse from the first beta call didn't once say that I need to be cautious, or not to get my hopes up because it was low. It took me a long time to get over that.
Take what you need. Cry when you need to. Scream if you feel like it. Just do whatever you need to. I'm here if you want somebody to commiserate with. ((you))
hoping for two
Oct 03 2011 08:30 PM
Thank you Ladies, so much!!! Your support means so much!
Oct 03 2011 08:36 PM
I'm sorry you had to go through that -it really is the ultimate roller coaster ride. Take some time to be kind to yourself and grieve this loss. HUGS!
I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. The emotional investment, and then being bitterly dissapointed...It's tough on the body and soul; I hope you take some time out for yourself.
Oct 03 2011 09:41 PM
I have felt like life has dealt me an unfair card..took away my baby before I even got to know her on this earth.

But, what I have learned (and this is hard, even on good days), is that we are dealt this card because we can deal with it. We might not want to or we might not feel that we are strong enough for it, but step outside of yourself and look at all you have gone through. Pat yourself on the back for where you have come from. Be kind to yourself, because you have done something that is hard for all humans. Having a baby is a natural instinct for most of us, and when it is hard to achieve it makes it that much more of a desire.

All I know is that I was given this path because someone believes I can truly take all that comes with it. I might not like it, but I know that I can handle it. And, some days it seems like I cannot even do that right.

Just know you aren't alone. I'm so sorry for all the heartache you have gone through.

My thoughts are with you to pull through this and pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

hoping for two
Oct 05 2011 09:50 PM
Thank you, you don't (or maybe you do) know how much your support means to me!!

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