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The First Ticket

Posted by BeanSprout , 25 August 2010 · 864 views

To start off, I should probably give you a little insight into our lives. All through my teens and most of my 20's, I was absolutely convinced that I would NEVER want or have children. I was determined to build my life with career first, set myself up financially and then find a husband that had the same ideals that I did. My plan was running perfectly. I was in university building my career, met a guy I fell in love with and we started saving for our future. We got together just before my 19th birthday and parted ways spring of 2005. Through our entire relationship, I was adamant that there would be no child in our future (part of the reason I believe we finally split). After our split, I threw myself back into my career and within months fell in love with the man I now call my husband. It's amazing how true love, the kind that makes your heart explode and your body tremble, can make you throw your whole life plan out the window. In our early dating days, I explained to my DH that I didn't want to have children. My life was fulfilling and rewarding and he filled the missing piece. Fast forward 4 years after a long engagement, the birth of my brother's daughter and our wedding, something in me changed. My DH and I sat down one evening not long after our wedding and I announced I wanted to be a mommy. And so began the next journey in our lives.

I've never been a gambler but have a very strong scientific/mathematical background and therefore, like to know my odds. As having a child was never really in my planned life, I began researching the odds of conceiving each month, the time it would take, the steps needed and so on. Within a few weeks, I felt I had graduated the "how to make a baby" course and was ready for the real test. I was so certain that this would work the first could it not?! I had just spent the better part of a month knowing everything there was to know about getting pregnant.

The first month was such a roller coaster. Did we do it? Are we pregnant? Are we sure we want to do this? And then the let down when my dear friend, AF, shows up. Well we'll just try again...and so we did. We tried for a couple more months with the same result every time. I was like clockwork--every 27 days AF reared her ugly head. Then in October 2009, I was late. I was shocked, elated, excited and pretty much every other emotion in the book. I had all the symptoms and was itching to take a HPT. We were days away from leaving for seven days to the Caribbean and I couldn't have been happier. I took a test just before we left and got a faint BFP...I was 4 days late. 5 days later, while on our vacation, the unthinkable happened. AF arrived. I was shattered. We tried actively for the next few months. We used OPK's, Pre-seed, ferility supplements and anything we could think of. Why was it so difficult? Did I "study" wrong?

In January 2010, I had my annual visit with my Dr. I explained that we had been trying for quite a few months and hadn't gotten anywhere. Was there any test I could do to see if there was something wrong? He suggested both my husband and I get checked out and also referred us to a fertility specialist. A fertility specialist? Are you kidding me? I really must have failed at understanding becoming pregnant. What was I missing?! Our other friends seemed to be having babies very effortlessly. My brother now had his second daughter. My best friend was pregnant with her second child. I really needed to why I couldn't become pregnant. Was there some higher power saying "Sorry, you chose your path when you were 15 and now there is no baby for you"? I felt like I was playing the lottery, one that everyone else knew the winning numbers and I was left to play with the losing ones.

We finally got our answers and were in to see the specialist by March. And the answer was...Male Factor infertility. What?! This was never even on our list of possible problems. Like finding out you've been playing a game with the wrong pieces the whole time and wondering why you can't win. By May, we knew the only option was IVF/ICSI. Well at least we knew what game we were playing this time. Now the hard part, what was this magical "cure" for our baby making going to cost us. $6000. As luck would have it, our fertility drugs are covered by both of our insurance companies so we didn't have to endure the added cost of the drugs. We both agreed to take the step and try making a baby with science on our side. Again, I researched and calculated odds and thought I had now passed the IVF course on making babies and would pass the final test with flying colours!

After months of poking, prodding, sticking needles in me and taking crazy hormones, the final outcome was BFN with no embryos left to freeze. How did we fail again? Are we still playing with the wrong numbers? Did we just buy a $6000 lottery ticket with no chance to win?

I could have written that story (except I did want kids all along).

I am sorry that you have had to go through that heartache too. It is nice to know that we aren't alone, but it is bittersweet that in the very fact we aren't alone means that some one else is suffering too.

My DH has azoo and we are using DS. It was a big horrible surprise that I am also reproductively challenged.

Life just isn't fair.

I wish you all the best as you move forward.
    • kookacola likes this
Your story is very familiar. My DH and I put off having kids because we banked on the notorious fertility of my maternal side. Turns out, I got the premature ovarian failure from my paternal side! D'oh! We weren't first time lucky with IVF/ICSI either, and I know it's so easy to obsess over every detail. I remember calling the nurse during my first 2ww because I was panicked after having an orgasm in my sleep. We were shocked when our first cycle didn't work, because everything was textbook. And it was our "last resort", right? So of course it had to work!

Some days I truly believe that we here at are participating in Shirley Jackson's version of the Lottery. :bday1:

In any case, you're welcome here and we all know to some extent what you're going through. Best of luck moving forward, no matter what that means for you...
I and my DH are scientist too. When we start our First IVF I thought about it as an mathematical equation. According to my RE, we do not have problem except my tubes are taken out. Then logically with IVF BANG we get pregnant. But guess what it take us four cycle to get our BFP. Now I think Infertility is a very complicated equation which does not have simple solution.

I wish you all the best on your next step.
It took me four transfers before I got my BFP. My DH kept me sane by telling me "IVF is a process, you will get pregnant but it just takes time". I tried to see each BFN as a step towards the BFP. It still hurt though and I also couldn't believe it when it didn't work out.
Good luck on your journey.
I too thought I was okay to never be a mom - figured this out at the age of 15. After 5 years of marriage, DH was really wanting children badly and I figured this was something I didn't want to miss out on. Many of my very career driven friends became parents and just changed and said something changed. So I knew something was very special about parenthood. Our first year of TTC was the same...should we or shouldn't we followed by many fights. But the negatives kept coming and this was so discouraging for me. Then I got pg...something changed, I was now totally excited/amazed...then I lost it via m/c. Since then, that drive to be a parent has been in overdrive and the fear of being "childless" is overwhelming. So on we trudge. Thanks for your resonates very deeply with me. Good luck...
Thanks for sharing your story!

Yes, it's frustrating to hear stories of people who get pregnant on their first shot, or by accident, when those of us who have studied and studied haven't.

The way I see it - as patients, we haven't 'failed' - after all, we've done everything by the book. Maybe think of it as modern science that has failed. Kind of takes the pressure off.

Anyways, good luck with your next cycle. Hope you get a better lottery ticket this time around!
Aug 26 2010 07:30 AM
Great first entry! There's nothing small about playing baby lotto is there?
I love your new blog :2cents: I hear you on that feeling of "what the hell ELSE could we have done?". My DH and I compared it to cramming for an exam all night and then going into the exam and not being sure if any of the questions on the test would relate to what we had studied. We ended up with our BFN on IVF #1 even though our embies were rated 20/ 20. It was such a low point. Good for you for getting right back out there and tackling matters head on. Best of luck!!!!

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