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Bittersweet

Posted by kookacola , 31 December 2014 · 1147 views

Sucess mentioned
So dd's birthday is tomorrow.  Yes, New Years Day.  It was bittersweet because we tried for 13 years to finally have her and we were crowned the New Years baby for the city.  Today unlike other New Years Eve since I"ve had dd, I find myself feeling very sad and hopeless.  Not sure if it's seeing all the ladies on the thread I was on getting their bfps, or that ours was a bfn.  Wanting another baby so bad it hurts.  I keep remembering every detail from when my water broke to when I was induces to when we finally decided to go to the operating room.  Every year I think about how dds entrance into this crazy world is but this year. I find myself fighting the urge to cry.  I am sad, I am scared that dd will be an only child.  Being pregnant was the happiest time of my life.  yes I as very worried throughout my pregnancy because I did have a miscarriage but when our re said he was 95% sure that the pregnancy would go to term and he agreed to oversee us, it eased my worries.  As the year draws to a close, I find myself grasping for something of security.  I don't know if this is because we went through 2014 and did an fet and we're out of options or if it's fear and loss sinking in.  I haven't mourned the fact that dd could be our only child but when I think about it, it distresses me very much.  Yes, I know I'm like other women and know and should be grateful that we have a child period but after the process of gearing up for the fet and having dreams and thinking about life with another child, the fire has gotten stronger for one more chance.  I admit as I did have the chance to become pregnant, there are things that I was cheated out of.  Like not being able to hold our baby but talk to her and tell her how long we waited for her and thank my dh after she was born.  I was cheated out of not seeing dd and dh bond while I was in recovery and he was with her at the NICU.  I also didn't have any idea and wasn't told that once dd was delivered, she'd be going to the NICU.  No one prepared me or much less told she was there until the morning.  I thought the nurse I met in the or who said she was going to be dd's nurse was from Maternity.  I felt cheated ot of the first time to hold the baby after delivery even though babies and moms can bond in the operating room.  I felt cheated that while in the hospital, I never got to be aloed to hold and bond with my dd except for a few time with mil and when our donar came to see her.  I cherished the pictures the newspapers took and the new clip that was broadcasted.  I felt that having dd on New Years and her being crowned was the icing on the cake and it as a nice ending to a long, heart wrenching and financially draining journey.  As I look ad dd and dh, I do realized how lucky we are to have such a strong family unit but.........and dh agrees........there's something or someone missing.  We are not a complete family............yet




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smurfette_w
Jan 01 2015 01:22 AM

((kookacola))  May 2015 bring you peace.  And happy birthday to your DD!!

    • kookacola likes this
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ladylazarus
Jan 01 2015 01:48 AM

There are so many little losses with infertility that add up to something quite painful and impossible to ignore. We count our blessings as we nurse our wounds, I know. Wishing you all the best for the new year.

    • mouse and kookacola like this

I feel your pain and I am sorry you have gone through all of it. I too have been a success story and have an IVF and a FET miracle; however, we just went through an IVF cycle, which we were told last night to stop all meds and wait to lose the baby(s)--which also happened to be our anniversary.  I just feel so lost and hopeless as we only got 1 frostie from that cycle... and to end on our anniversary--no words to describe how sad of a New Years eve we just (didn't) celebrate!

I pray that you somehow receive a miracle and can add to your family... we all deserve to have the families that we so long to have. May 2015 be a year chalk full of miracles for those of us struggling!!  HUGZ

    • kookacola likes this
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CdnHockeyGal
Jan 01 2015 03:03 PM

((kookacola))  I hope 2015 brings you some peace.  

    • mouse and kookacola like this

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