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trying4apositive's Blog

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Cautiously optimistic.

Posted by trying4apositive , 03 September 2010 · 923 views

Got the results of my frist beta today! 182! I had a FET of 2 perfect embies (ISCI'd and with assisted hatching) on August 20th.Today I feel cautiously optimistic. I would love for this to be "the time". Baby, if you can hear me, I love you and would love to be your mom. :Emoticons09710:

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FET on Friday

Posted by trying4apositive , 16 August 2010 · 589 views

Well, here I go again. My FET is scheduled for Friday August 20th. I am so ready for this. I want to be a mother with everything I am. I have always wanted this. I new as a litte girl that there was nothing I wanted more. That feeling has never left me and never will. I would love for this cycle to work out, but if it doesn't I now know I will be okay...

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Why am I so calm?

Posted by trying4apositive , 09 August 2010 · 496 views

I have a werid calm this time around. I don't know if that is a good thing, or a bad thing.My appointment with my RE for cycle monitoring is on Friday. It just seems like another step. Actually all of this has become so routine, I am not anxious or all that excited.I kind of think I will be suprised if this works. In all my prior attempts, I was so po...

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It's time to address the elephant in the room- Oh Crap! That elephant is me!?! How did that happen?!?

Posted by trying4apositive , 04 July 2010 · 900 views

Its time. I need to loose weight. A whole lot of weight. So much that I am scared to even put the number down. I need to loose 100lbs. :icon_cry:

WTF? How the hell did that happen? I have all kinds of excuses- PCOS, fertility meds, depression after miscarriage, thyroid issues, past abusive partner, stressful nursin...

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My IF journey has helped me see that I have amazing people in my life.

Posted by trying4apositive , 23 June 2010 · 572 views

This is gonna be brief. I can't seem to sleep lately, so I have done my dishes :th_adishes:

, cleaned my house and tried a glass of warm soy milk (did not give the desired sleepy effect, just kinda tasted gross)! I am going to blog it out and see if that will help me sleep. I had a chemical pregnancy this round of IVF. A couple good friends at w...

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This 2WW is stressing me out.

Posted by trying4apositive , 16 June 2010 · 570 views

This two week wait has been the hardest yet, and I have done this a lot. I feel lost and tired. I feel excited but at the same time scared to get my hopes up. My last try, my last 2WW, ended in a BFP and then my world collapsed and I had a miscarriage. I hate that damn word by the way. I also hate “lost” the babies." That’s just crap, I didn’t loos...

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Getting closer...

Posted by trying4apositive , 05 June 2010 · 631 views

I'm excited. I had my ER on Friday June 4th. Had 21 eggs retrieved. They ICSI'd 12 and 10 fertilized. I feel so excited! But I want them in me now! Not all 10! But one or two. It feels weird to know they are out there, but not here at home where they should be. My ET will be on Monday or Wednesday, I can't wait! Getting closer...

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I am so relieved.

Posted by trying4apositive , 02 June 2010 · 570 views

I have always known I want to be a mom. The more kids the better, I always thought, I had no idea it would be this hard. I always imagined a loving caring husband, someone who loves me as much as I love them, someone who I can be myself with. I am still imagining him. After an abusive relationship in my teens and early twenties, I put up a wall and when I...

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My “micro”manager has gone through ivf herself...so for some reason I expected more...

Posted by trying4apositive , 12 May 2010 · 768 views

I''ve been reading alot of posts about who to tell what to and when. It is great to hear that those who have shared their with their managers have been getting good support. I got the exact opposite. I think I’ll “blog it out” just thinking of my crazy manager is making my blood boil! I am an open book, and sometimes too expressive about my...

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Mother's Day Perspective.

Posted by trying4apositive , 06 May 2010 · 500 views

I have been struggling with Mothers day.My own Mom really doesn't like a big deal made out of it, and making dinner for her and my dad and a hug are all she wants. She is so supportive, and both my parents wish with all their hearts that one day they can celebrate a "grandparent's day." Last week I was dreading this weekend, I was chaning...

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A Mother's Prayer - Affirmation After Miscarriage

A Mother's Prayer/ Affirmation After Miscarriage
In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.
I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.
During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.
I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.
I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.
In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing. [/font[font="Garamond"]
]Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.
Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.
Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.
Let me honour this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.
Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.
Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.
I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.
I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
by Stacey Dinner-Levin