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I have these thoughts sometimes...

Posted by leigh14 , 21 December 2012 · 1663 views

DH and I were really lucky to have our beautiful little DD after our third IVF cycle. It was a cycle that had its share of challenges; we had done extensive immune treatments and then when I started to cycle I found out that I only had an antral follicle of four. Two eggs were retrieved and both fertilized and initially it appeared that I was pregnant with twins in the same sac! I remember that at the time I thought "my babies will always have each other." By the next ultrasound though, there was one baby there. We were extremely happy about this of course but there were times when both my DH and I wondered why the other was not meant to be.

Fast forward to now and we have a beautiful daughter who continues to amaze us everyday. During the process of cycling, even when things weren't going our way, I knew that somehow, someday I would be a mother. The drive for motherhood was so intense that I literally would have done anything...any treatment, sold my house to continue with treatments etc. The drive for parenthood is not quite the same for DH since he has children from a previous relationship but he understood my need to be a mom.

DH and I had a deal that we would have just one and the problem is that there are times when I am not sure if I'm totally "done" with this process. I have not articulated this to DH and it remains something that is not discussed. On the other hand, I'm not totally sure that I want to immerse myself in more treatments etc. And time is not on my side. My doctor pretty much said that if we wanted to try for another, we'd have to do it almost immediately. To be frank, I don't feel that my body has recovered from pregnancy. I still don't feel quite "normal" after my C-Section and I'm carrying a lot of pregnancy weight still. And setting my body up to try again would also mean trying to wean my DD perhaps earlier than she wants in order to try to get my period back again. Not sure I want to do that either. I'm not sure that I have the heart to wean her when BFing is clearly something she loves and is so good for her, and for both of us.

I have been putting away some of my DD's newborn baby clothes and that got me thinking about things. At one point my DH asked what I was going to do with them and then mentioned a family member who is currently pregnant and said she might be able to use them. I'm just not quite ready to go there yet and yet I know it makes no sense to hang onto things that won't be used by us again in all likelihood. I guess it's just too soon for me.

There are times when I really, really like our little family of three and yet at other times I picture another child in our family and wish that my DD could have that sibling experience. Yes, she has DH's older children but they are much, much older. In fact, in our family she doesn't have any young cousins either. Her cousins are in their 20's.

DH is quite a bit older than me and, I'm no spring chicken in the fertility world so sometimes I wonder whether it's even reasonable for me to think about having another. Am I being selfish to consider it? I wish I could turn back time and that all the pieces had been in place to try for children many, many years ago. It would not have been possible to try 10 years ago or even five years ago due to multiple reasons. In my 30's I dealt with blow after blow in terms of personal stress (not IVF related)---far too much death, loss, and events from my past to deal with.

I know that I don't need to figure things out right now; I'm merely writing down my thoughts and trying to sort out how I feel. I am extremely happy with my DD and how things have turned out but I'm not totally sure if I want to close the door on another chance at motherhood just yet. I don't know that I want to go through that door again or whether it's meant to be but for my own emotional reasons I just need the door to be open, even if it's just a little.

  • gibasgirl and dawnkey like this

Dec 21 2012 10:27 PM
I can relate to your feelings in many ways Leigh. In terms of baby stuff and maternity clothes I offloaded these as soon as I was done with them. For me it was purely for my own mental health. I didn't want to hang onto things and then have to eventually come to terms with getting rid of it at some point -stirring things up again. I always told myself if I was lucky to have another pregnancy and baby, I'd be able to afford to buy it all back again. 2nd hand stuff is very cheap and I don't regret getting rid of everything only to buy it all back a few months later. We were very content with one child, but were certainly not opposed to having another, but both of us felt totally done with ART.

You don't have to jump in right away. It's not going to make a huge difference to wait a few more months. You may feel more ready then, or decide that you are content with the way things are.
My son and daughter are 2 and 4, and I still can't bear to part with their clothes, we have bins and bins of clothes in the basement, and I don't know why. I can't let go of the idea of having a third, it's very hard to let go and move on.
Dec 22 2012 12:37 AM
Going through all those clothes sure can make you wistful. I was thinking this evening, "the road to babyhood is incredibly long, but the road out was really short!" When you spend more time trying to get pregnant than your child is an infant, it sure makes you want to have another because it was so wonderful but it's over way too fast. I'm in the same boat but I'm pretty sure I'm out of time and resources. It's also alot harder to jump back into trying to conceive if your other half isn't on board. I wish I had some good advice, but I think I'm just spouting platitudes lol! I think eventually we'll get a kitten and dress it up in a onsie lol!
Dear ligh,
I might not be the best person to make a comment here since we are still struggling to have our first. Right now that is all I wish for “A baby” but my dream has always been to have more than one and with everything we have been trough I am not sure if it will remain a dream. What I can tell you is what the nurse told me yesterday, as we were getting ready for my D&C. She said “at the end everything will turnout ok, you never know what is in plans for you and all you can do is patiently wait :)” there is a plan for you and I am sure if that is having a 2nd one then it will come in time. I agree that for your own peace it is best not to hold on to stuff since they are only stuff and you can get them all again if you need them. I also think we all should listen to our heart since being a mother is a matter of the heart and not mind. Wish you the best of luck and hope you will get what you desire. Happy holidays
    • gibasgirl likes this
Dec 22 2012 03:33 PM
I think ultimately you'll know when it's time to move on, Leigh. Give yourself time to enjoy this experience with your DD... remember, having another child doesn't necessarily mean it has to come from your body, you can adopt as well. All the best as you work through.
Dec 22 2012 11:28 PM
Hey Leigh,

I have those thoughts as well... even though my situation is different than yours. You know my history and I too have left the door somewhat open as well... I have been blessed more than once, however we have embies left over still that are waiting for us to make a decision for them. DH is dead set against having more, and I am still somewhat open minded as for I am a lets see what is meant to be kinda person...and I also feel strongly attached to them.
Nevertheless, the hardest part for me has been to part with any of the baby stuff. I have bins in the basement full of baby clothing, baby gear and maternity clothes. I feel that if I let that stuff go, it is like closing the door on the dreams that I worked so hard to create, make come true. It breaks my heart to think that I will not experience the joys of having more babies... So for now, with no rhyme or reason, I continue to go against what family thinks (it baffles them) and I keep the stuff. Bc to let it go, especially right now when I am not ready, hurts way too much!

Here is to hoping that as time goes on, the decisions of what your next steps will be, will become clearer.

Love and hugs,
    • gibasgirl and ladylazarus like this
Hmm what is it about the baby clothes...I also have the same issue about giving all of it away! I have no words of wisdom, all I can say is I understand how you feel. DD just had her 2nd birthday and we will not be having any more for a number of reasons. But there is a big part of me who can't let it go. A big pile of baby clothes sit in a bag in DD's closet. I think getting rid of everything represents the finality of it all. It's hard to close the door for good.
nervus optimist
Dec 24 2012 11:21 AM
I would say talk to DH about it - let him know you're flip flopping, and second guessing, and wondering. perhaps he is too. perhaps he's happy with either option. perhaps he has some insight that you hadn't realized before. as for everything else, do what is right for you and your family - if you want to hang on to baby clothes a bit longer - do it. if you want to BF a little longer - do it. do what's right for you and together you'll figure out the next steps.

best of luck on your journey
Dec 24 2012 05:28 PM
Wow, allcriedout, that is the best way I've heard it phrased..."closing the door on dreams I worked so hard to create". Yes, that is why we are so attached to the physical items that represent babyhood and why it is so difficult to move on. DS is 2 as of yesterday. I thought I was going to be satisfied with one but I find myself yearning for the experience, for the joy of it all, one more time.
I really appreciate your comments ladies. After pondering the situation for a couple days I think my focus right now really has to be wellness. Do I want another baby? Maybe. Am I ready physically to try? No. So I guess the first step for me is to get back to being me and to take it from there. As for the baby stuff...I think at this point I choose to do nothing with it. Hopefully I will figure it out in time. Ladylaz, I loved your kitten in a onesie comment. Definitely a possibility! :)

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