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It's been awhile since I blogged...

Posted by leigh14 , 24 September 2012 · 1277 views's been quite awhile since I blogged and thought I'd sit down and try to compose some thoughts.

I'm finding myself in a weird place these days in terms of the whole IVF experience. You'd think that doing everything that we did to have a baby (three cycles, one miscarriage, immune treatments that we traveled to the States and Mexico for), that I'd be happy to leave the world of IVF behind and yet the whole experience became so much a part of me that it's hard to just return to "normal living." After all the monitoring, all the blood draws, all the ultrasounds, and all the OB/GYN appointments it feels weird to NOT be doing any of those things anymore. It's weird in a good way I suppose but the last few years have been spent thinking about next steps. Now I find myself thinking, "What if the next step is that there is no next step?"

There has been much discussion on this site lately about people bringing up their pregnancy news and I hope that my entry, with mention of my pregnancy and DD doesn't offend but the IVF process is so much a part of me that it's hard to leave it behind and move forward.

We met with our wonderful doctor a couple of weeks ago and he surprised me by asking whether we intended to try for another. I do like him because he is totally blunt and gets to the point. I mean...I just had this baby in July! But he brought it up because I am 40 years old and, in his opinion, if we were to try for another the time to do it would be sooner rather than later. In fact, he suggested that if we were to try again, we should get started in 6 months. One thing that I love about my doctor is that he tells it like it is. I love the fact that despite my diminished reserve, Dr. V still thinks I have good eggs and never gave up on me. In fact, I left the appointment feeling like he thought we'd have a good chance to have another, particularly since we now know that I have immune issues that could be dealt with. Well, DH and I haven't even talked about trying for number 2 but I'm pretty sure where he stands on the issue. And I have mixed feelings too. On the one hand, it would be nice to give DD a sibling but on the other hand, leaving things as is could mean being able to give DD things that we wouldn't be able to if there was another baby. And DH and I could find a "new normal" for us that didn't include appointments, trips to the clinic, all the uncertainty of cycling etc. Trying another cycle IS something that I've thought about but when DH and I entered into this process we definitely only agreed to one. It is probably not fair for me to change the rules now but it is a thought that lingers in the back of my mind. As we left the doctor's office Dr. V said to us, "See you back for number 2!" at which point my DH probably wanted to faint. I suppose that at some point down the road, he and I will likely discuss it but the timing is not good now. And truthfully, I'm just not sure that trying for another would be the right thing to do, for a number of reasons.

Right now, in terms of this site, I feel a little displaced. It's a weird feeling of wondering where I belong or whether I belong. Not going to lie...I'm an addict! This site has been a tremendous support for me and I hope that I have been able to sometimes provide support for others too. With a newborn I have little time these days to post but do when I can. I do manage to do a lot of reading of posts though and am always keeping members in my thoughts. But, I do find myself wondering whether I will ever truly be able to leave the world of IVF behind. As I said before, it feels strange to NOT be poking myself with needles, to NOT have the constant interaction between patient and clinic etc. Does it sound weird to admit that I actually MISS my clinic, the people who work there and my doctor? That's kind of what it feels like right I had this attachment that is suddenly gone. Is that warped or what?

Right now I suppose I am going through a transition period and adjusting to my new normal. In time I know that I will get there, and in time I will figure out if I want to chat with DH (convince is the appropriate word!) about having another. And I'm not even sure I want that. I know that time will sort everything out. For now my focus is going to be my DD and taking things day by day. I have days now where I actually feel happy and it has been such a long time since I've felt that way that the feeling is completely foreign to me. Happiness has been elusive and not just because of the IF but also because my entire 30's were spent dealing with loss after loss after loss in my personal life. There have been times when I have felt afraid of embracing happiness because it has been ripped from me so many times that I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I'm trying to retrain my mindset and work on enjoying each moment of what I am experiencing now.

Very nice write how you feel and that comes through :)
When I had my twins I felt displaced, I lurked, and mostly posted on my other site which is/was (site dynamics always change) where a group of us all had twins, but life moves on and people come go, the ivf group I had dissipated (here & there) and I found myself feeling like you "where do I belong" I totally understand what your saying, but you meet new people and hopefully find a new home within your home♥ I found twin tots and even though those years are behind me, I have support from others(twin or not). You have your dd now, and eventually the sting of IF goes away, it no longer consumes you, nor should it, you don't forget where you came from, you don't live in the past, you move forward and enjoy your baby, live and love, never feel guilty, but have respect for those who are struggling, offer support where you can.

I'm going to share something with you, when I first had the twins, I was terrified of losing them, I was terrified I would peek into their crib and see a blue baby....absolutely terrified....I confided this to my bff(fertile myrtle) and was so relieved when she said "I felt that way with all 4 of my kids" it was like "whew...ok I'm not nuts, this is normal" why am I sharing that morbid little thought....because your's so very very very normal (IF or Not) to fear losing your child. I don't know I found peace in that. Not sure that helps you. As your baby grows and you settle will hopefully not worry about her being ripped away from you, although I hate to say they get bigger the fear is still there, it just changes, but you can't let it dictate who you are.

I hope you don't feel displaced for long....come join us in the twin thread...yearning is there and she's mom to a singleton! :)
Leigh everything you said sounds perfectly normal to me. All of your hopes, fears and uncertainties. You will find your new normal. As Jaan said come join us.

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