Me to DH: "Somehow I'm sure that you never guessed you'd be sitting in a Mexican Fertility Clinic" - IVF.ca Forums

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Me to DH: "Somehow I'm sure that you never guessed you'd be sitting in a Mexican Fertility Clinic"

Posted by leigh14 , 07 October 2011 · 1130 views

I thought I'd take the opportunity to blog while so much of what we have experienced on this journey to have a baby is fresh in my mind. We spent last weekend doing the second (and hopefully last) of our LIT treatments in Mexico. As I said to DH, never in our wildest dreams would we have thought that our quest to have a baby would have resulted in us travelling out of the country to get a procedure done that is not offered in Canada or the U.S. At one point I looked at DH and said to him, "When you met me, did you EVER think that you'd be here...in a Mexican fertility clinic?" His answer, of course, was no! Ah, the things that we do to try to have a baby. This process has tested me/us in ways that I never thought possible.

And much of what we're doing, like everything in IVF, is based on hope...hoping that we are headed in the right direction with all these changes and instructions in protocol. I feel a little bit like a sheep, just following along, doing what I've been told to do in order to optimize our chances. I realize, of course, that we could go through all this (Humira shots, IVig, LIT treatments out of the country + all the regular IVF related shots) and still end up with no baby. I hope that is not the case, obviously, but I sincerely DO think that we are on the right path. At our last Dr. consult, my RE looked at me and said, "I need you to make the embryos that you made on your last cycle. I want this to work the first time"(the first cycle with him at this new clinic). We have no idea whether or not the m/c I had was because of abnormal embryos or whether it was because of all these other immunological issues that were discovered after the fact. On paper, DH and I made some lovely embies, so I'm hoping that we can do it again. My new RE has reminded me that he just needs one good one. I hope that one, golden one is in there and is positively glowing, as though to say, "I'm HERE!!! Pick me!!!"

Do you ever sometimes feel that your baby is "out there?" By "out there" I mean...in the universe. That's how I feel sometimes. I feel that SHE is somewhere out there. When we went to Mexico and we did the LIT treatments, I took a lot of pictures of our trip. I'm sure that to outsiders I looked very "touristy" but in my mind, I was thinking, "Someday when this baby is born, I'm going to show her everything that we did to try to have her."

Going to Nogales, Mexico was an exercise in perspective. I'm not going to lie...the town is a little sketchy. The driver from the clinic picked us up on the Arizona side and the thought occurred to me that we were entrusting ourselves to a complete stranger. Believe me, I found this far more nerve wracking on the first trip than on our latest trip. On the latest trip, we were experienced and knew what to expect so I felt much calmer. The clinic was clean and the doctor and nurses were nice but English was limited and, again, this left DH and I feeling a little vulnerable. In the doctor's office, there was a signed picture of Dr. Alan Beer and somehow this calmed me a little. It felt like a reassuring sign that maybe, just maybe we were doing the right thing by being there. They took the blood from DH first and then the clinic driver drove us to a restaurant while they processed it. On our latest trip, while DH had his blood taken by the nurse, she and the doctor were talking in Spanish the whole time. There was a familiarity that I sensed between them, even a bit of a flirtatiousness. In my mind, I was thinking, is there some sort of doctor/nurse romance going on here? Then I found out that the nurse was the doctor's wife! That explained things!

The driver took us to the same restaurant as we went to the last time and the food was amazing! This restaurant was tucked back in from the street and such a contrast to many of the shops etc. in the area. Again, I was glad that the driver accompanied us right to the restaurant because it made us feel a little safer. After about an hour he picked us up again and we drove back to the clinic where there were two needles with white serum (from my DH) on the doctor's desk. The doctor commented that DH had done a good job and that the serum was very full of white blood cells. The doctor cleaned my forearms and the nurse did four injections, just under the skin on each arm. This time round, they stung a little going in. DH was so lovely and sat there the whole time, patting me on the back reassuringly. The doctor commented that I was having a "big" reaction as my arms got red, and a little swollen almost immediately. I should mention that my arms haven't healed 100% from the first visit either. I hope he's right about me having a good reaction and that when the LAD numbers are retested, there is an improvement. There have been a lot of things in this baby making/IVF process that I have just sucked at (egg production being the suckiest suckfest of them all). So it would be SO NICE to actually do something well (aside from bloating like a blowfish, cause I'm a FREAKIN' genius at that too!) The procedure was finished in minutes and the doctor wished us luck and off we went, back with the driver to the border.

The wait to get across the border was fairly lengthy and I was able to snap a lot of pictures and take a good look around. Nogales, Mexico is an unbelievably poor town. There were numerous people begging in the streets and one man caught my eye. DH and I had seen him the last time as well. His limbs were completely turned in the wrong direction. He was sitting, holding a cup, asking for money. DH asked our driver to roll down the window and we gave him some money. The image of him brought tears to my eyes and still does as I recall this. In that moment, things came into perspective for me a little...Yes, I want a baby, but I also know that I have a good life now. Things could be worse.

DH and I got across the border and continued on our way back to Tucson where we were staying for the weekend. Tucson was lovely and despite the fact that the purpose of our trip was for treatment we tried to enjoy ourselves. It was a whirlwind though...a lot of activity in a very short period of time. When we returned it suddenly hit me that things are starting to move very, very quickly towards our cycle. This both excites and terrifies me. The inevitable, "What if it doesn't work after going through ALL THIS?" comes into my mind. I am trying to push that thought out of my mind but some days it's hard. In my head, my answer to myself when that question comes up is, "Well, then we'll just re-evaluate next steps." My mom always said to me that all I can do is try my best and truly that is all I can do. Much of this is a bit of a crap shoot. Or, as Forrest Gump would say, "Life's a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get...." I hope, hope, hope that the eggs/embryos we get on our next cycle are good ones!

My arms seven days post LIT have raised bumps and are itchy. Underneath where the injections went in there are hard spots that have formed. This is what happened the last time too so I'm used to it. At first my arms just got a bit swollen, then they looked like I had eight little crop circles. When the itchiness sets in it can be pretty intense but I have been a good girl and have avoided scratching. Ultimately, these raised red itchy welts will turn into bruises. Soon I'll be in the, "it looks like someone burned me with cigarettes" phase. To someone reading this, (perhaps contemplating LIT) you might think this sounds horrible. Well, honestly, it's not that bad. The fact that I'm having a reaction is supposed to be a good thing and indicative of the fact that it's "working."

Sometimes I can honestly say that I just feel very, very tired. We have gone through a lot of hurdles to get to the point of cycling and sometimes this really has felt like The Amazing Race. I forgot to mention that on our first trip to have the LIT treatment, DH and I drove through a monsoon! Apparently, it was the tail end of their monsoon season! Yikes! These memories, images and experiences are burned into my brain. I honestly feel that we're on some sort of quest! I just need to keep my chin up, keep my eye on the end goal and carry on. And if this all works out, I suspect I'll feel tired (but in a good way) for a very long time. Posted Image I might as well get used to it.

  • tmariederm likes this



it's amazing, isn't it, the things we'll do to get to that goal. These babies that result from IF treatments have got to be THE MOST WANTED babies in the world! They are so lucky that they have parents who would do so much to bring them into this world.

I have a GREAT feeling that all this work will set things straight for you, and the next IVF will be the charm! You'll be cycling SO soon, and back in the land of possibilities.

xoxo
    • leigh14 and Yvonne like this
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silverdollar
Oct 07 2011 10:17 AM
I'll never forget the day the embryologist called and told us how excited she was about our little "19" referring to the grade of one of our two precious embryos. It's like it was glowing in the petri dish saying "I'm the one". Rooting for you with everything I've got for this cycle Leigh.
    • leigh14 likes this
Thanks for another beautiful post, am in awe of your spirit and determination and rooting for you. It's great you're taking pics to show the baby some day just how much he/she/they are loved and wanted. This last IVF was the first time I took pics and wanted to do that same thing some day. Wishing you strength, health and the very best of luck. Hugs.
    • leigh14 likes this
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galfromaway
Oct 07 2011 12:10 PM
Love the way you write. :) I'm definitely rooting for you.

And I like what Chickpea said - These babies that result from IF treatments have got to be THE MOST WANTED babies in the world. :)
    • leigh14 and Yvonne like this
This post is very uplifting. Your attitude towards your recent adventures is amazing. Truly hoping this brings you the babe you have long awaited.
    • leigh14 likes this
You are in my thoughts and prayers that this is THE cycle for you.

Your post reminded me of a workshop series I did before we started treatment with Dr. Virro. One night in the series was the heroine's journey - gives me goosebumps thinking about it!

Can't wait to follow the rest of your journey. The start of your cycle really will be here before you know it. Hard to believe it doesn't seem like that long ago the wait for Dr. V was a huge factor and now your cycle is around the corner.
    • leigh14 likes this

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