Picking up the pieces

My mind and body are still processing all that has transpired since my cycle. In many ways it was the perfect cycle--even for a responder like me who will never yield a large crop of eggs. I ended up with four mature eggs, all of which fertilized, and two blasts remained by Day 5. In the midst of the cycle, DH's dad died and on the day of the transfer we travelled hours to get to his family and attended the visitation and funeral. The entire time I wondered if my two little blasts could possibly be coping under the circumstances. They proved to be pretty resilient and, to my utter shock and delight, I received my BFP!

Fast forward to the first u/s when we learned that there were two babies there. One looked like an empty sac (later we learned that it was not, in fact, empty) but the other was viable, with a heartbeat but a little behind. It was not the most reassuring u/s and worry was in my heart and the doctor said that unfortunately it was going to be an anxiety filled Christmas for us as he anticipated that I would expel one sac and that the other baby might not make it. An anxiety filled holiday it was. I suffered from anxiety-related insomnia and honestly felt like I couldn't get more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. I had some cramping on Christmas night and wondered what was going on but still I had no bleeding which was somehow reassuring. I managed to catch the most brutal of colds and couldn't take anything for it. I finally succumbed to taking Tylenol after getting a bit feverish, all the while worrying endlessly about my baby.

By the time the second u/s rolled around, I just wanted to be put out of my misery. I wanted to know what was going on yet at the same time didn't--a little like the feeling you get when you're in the 2ww at the beginning and you know you *might* be pregnant, afraid to take the test but wanting to do so so badly.
I read the technician's body language and knew that it was all over. I feel for the techs, I really do. How horrible it must be to have to try and keep a poker face when something is dreadfully wrong. But I knew. And then we met with the doctor and our worst fears were confirmed. Both babies stopped developing and it probably happened not long after my first u/s.

The next day I had a D & C consult appointment with a nurse. I was given the options of 1) miscarrying naturally which could take weeks 2) taking miscarriage inducing drugs or 3) having the D & C. By that point, I was resigned to the fact that this was the outcome that we were facing and I wanted the healing to begin so I opted for the D & C. The nurse was so lovely but I must say that having a D & C consult at the Early Pregnancy Clinic at the hospital is not ideal. Didn't anyone stop to think of how horrendous this is? The waiting room is full of pictures of babies and pregnant women, with their beautiful bellies strolling through. Just a little hard to take.

The actual procedure wasn't too bad although I was surprised at how crampy and sore I was when I initially came to. I had some bleeding initially but overall it hasn't been too bad physically. My DH and I seem to have very poor luck with timing in terms of family. His family doesn't know about our IVF attempts and we learned the day after the U/S that my MIL was going to be coming for a visit with DH's brother who is in the same area. When I heard this I just wanted to cry. I am SO NOT up for a family visit. She arrived today but has not been here yet. I am sending DH over to his brother's place for today to visit with her. I just cannot handle having to put on a smiley face right now. In a couple of days she will come over here and perhaps I'll be feeling more up to it.

I received a lot of support from my one sister who was in contact with me all last week checking in. My other sister let me down bigtime. When I went for my first u/s she never asked about it. In fact she told me she'd forgotten about it. Then I told her about my worries, the fact that it wasn't a very reassuring u/s etc. So she was aware (or so I thought) of how I felt. I thought I'd hear from her after my second u/s. Nothing. No text, no email, no phone call. I didn't call her with the results. I just wasn't in a talking mood but I would have responded if she had reached out to me. The next day rolled around and then the next. Finally on Friday I sent her an email telling her what had happened and telling her that I was having a D & C. After the procedure DH texted her that all went well with the procedure and that I was in the recovery room. She responded 45 minutes later with, "What???" She hadn't checked her email. DH told her to. Perhaps this wasn't the nicest way for me to handle this situation but I was MAD and still am. She seems oblivious to all that we have gone through and how important this is to us. She then texted my other sister to say, "Did you know about this?" My sister responded, "Yes, I've been communicating with her all week." So, perhaps there is a lesson here for my sister. I would like to think so but when I actually spoke to her she never apologized for being out of contact and she admitted that she'd forgotten about my second appointment. In the meantime, Sister #2 repeatedly asked what she could do to help me. She arrived on Sat. and cleaned my whole house in preparation for my MIL visit. And just having her here was so, so nice.

My first order of business is to try to get "me" back. Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself in this IF business. The primary goal has been (and still is) to have a baby but I have realized that I cannot let all other aspects of my life disappear in the process. I do not regret going through IVF and in my heart of hearts I remain optimistic that I will be a mother but I do feel robbed of "me." For example, when I look in the mirror these days, I don't even recognize myself. I have put on substantial weight from this process (20 pounds in two years). I think it is from the hormonal shifts. I need a concrete goal to get myself back into the shape that I was once in. Ladies, any tips? Please comment or PM me!!!

And I need to refocus at work. Two years ago my boss wanted to nominate me for a significant award. I asked her not to because I knew that it would be hard for me to maintain the workaholic level that I would need to while doing these treatments. I don't care that I missed out on this opportunity (well, maybe a little) but I do care that I am not the professional that I once was. But I will try not to beat myself up about this too much. It is only possible to handle so much at once.

My relationship with my DH has also suffered. Everything has been about appointments, protocols, needles, procedures etc. He and I need some time to just be "us" and figure out where we go from here. And, if we are going to go forward with this stuff, we also need to do a little financial juggling to prepare for our next move. This feels like a very expensive game of chess.

It is too early yet to make any decisions regarding next steps but I will say that it is very hard to step back from this IVF world with all the promise that it holds, especially after having been so close to achieving our goal. I suspect that in time we will try again but I'm 39 and time is a tickin'. We know that we can afford to take a little break (a few months, certainly not a year) but not much more than that. And is it stupid to try again with my own eggs? We had two blasts put in that attached and began to develop into babies. But, there was obviously something wrong with them---both of them. Is this indicative of bad eggs or just bad luck? At this point, the doctor said that this is most likely a case of age-related bad luck but who really knows? On the positive side, it's clear that my body is able to hang on to a pregnancy. There is a part of me that thinks that I need to seriously consider egg donation as it would most likely increase our chances of success. But is it too soon to go this route? This last IVF attempt really felt like our first real shot as our previous cycle was with a different clinic that, in my view, really screwed up my cycle with a crappy protocol.

Any thoughts, suggestions, comments or opinions? What would you do? How do you pick up the pieces and begin to formulate a plan for a next step when the time is right? And how do you know when the time is right?