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The whole world is pregnant...

Posted by papoose76 , 15 February 2012 · 2290 views

... or at least that's how it feels. There are only a handful of people who I am truly happy for, and the rest can suck it. I'm sorry but it's just so hard to deal with right now. Over this past week, I've seen posts on facebook about their newborns such as "Dammit I wanted a girl" or "sh*t I'm knocked up again"... Posted Image I can only stand ungrateful fertiles to a point. Now my own situation is that my co-worker (next classroom to mine) is expecting a grandchild... so I get to hear every single detail about the pregnancy (she's 17 weeks and having a girl...), including that the new mom-to-be is a effin smoker.

I go through phases, it seems. There are times where I could care less about who's pregnant and what they're doing or how they feel about it. There's times where I'm actually interested in who is pregnant and feel strong enough to listen to details, and then there's times like now. All I hear is the damn ungratefulness (is that a word?) and the taking for granted this process of being pregnant.

I feel so ripped off. Why am I the way I am? Why is it so damn hard to have this one thing I want the most and so easy for others? I know there are others out there who feel the same as me. There is a janitor in the school where I work who never had any bio children either and a few years ago I talked to her about it. Her advice to me; "Do all that you can now to try have a baby. I really wish that I would have at least tried harder, now it's too late". She is almost 50, has PCOS and had to have an early hysterectomy.

At the same time, what point do I throw in the towel? Right now I am having problems with my health, more specifically my high blood pressure and being "pre-diabetic". I am on six different medications plus two others for anxiety and insomnia. My doctor (not my RE) who put me on the meds wants me to wait for 6 months (5 months now) until I do my first FET. It's been almost 4 months since IVF #2 and I am starting to wonder if I will ever be able to do my FET. I am very overweight. I hate the word "OBESE". We used to use that word in high school as a derogatory term towards the bigger kids... that was mean. Karma is real, people. I really need to lose weight for my health but I am SO DAMN TIRED every day that I feel like it's hopeless. I wish I could afford a personal trainer or a personal chef or both!

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and hating that person looking back at me :( I need help...

It's sure difficult, isn't it when the whole world focusses on procreation.
I hope you feel better soon, and that addressing the pressing medical problems affords you the luxury to move on with more ART - if that's the right choice for you.

Can't say that I haven't felt like slugging the 9 m pregnant lady smoking in the ambulance bay outside the old women's centre as I was on my way to the fertility clinic for what felt like the millionth time.

Let it out. Pick up the pieces - and get help if you can.

- kj
    • papoose76 likes this
Ps. I meant the old "women's centre" NOT the "old women's" centre.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have a group of 7 girlfriends and not kidding 6 of them had babies this year and 3 of them were born in the past 2 months. I want to pull out my hair and scream at the top of lungs that this isn't friggin fair. I know exactly how you feel. I am going to explode if I have to go and see one more new born. Last one I went to see, I had to drive around the block ten times until i stopped crying and thought I looked presentable to go in with a fake smile and baby gift. SUCK SOOOO BAD !!!!!! I dont wish this on anyone, but I it makes me so jealous that everyone around me gets pregnant so easily. Urggg. just know you are not alone and your feelings are natural !!
Thanks ladies. LMAO kj "old women's centre"... I was thinking, why are there fertile smoking preggos standing around an old woman's centre... hahahahaha jk I knew what you meant.

Aww zoe, I hear ya. I just flat out refuse to do baby showers anymore. Unless I'm feeling strong, then I will make an attempt. Or if I feel like crying, I will hold a baby. LOL
I know that I have been lucky enough to be able to say that I have a baby on the way... but I remind myself everyday how much it hurts to be waiting, wondering, hoping, praying, frustrated, sad, angry and exhausted every day so that I don't take one minute for granted. I truly feel for you, and can tell you that even now, I still feel like slugging the "ungrateful fertiles" (and I know exactly what you mean when you say that) My heart goes out to you, especially in times like these when you are so obviously hurting.

Be grateful that you have the time to deal with your health issues because at least you have time to do that. Unfortunately, some don't have the time :( I know every additional month feels like forever, but know that by addressing these issues now, it will help you in the long run.

I sincerely hope that one day you get your sticky BFP and are able to at least ease the pain you feel. It doesn't go away completely, but I hope it eases for you.

((huge hugs))
    • papoose76 likes this
Aww thanks Ames, you are one of the ones that I am genuinely happy for :) honestly.
Feb 16 2012 11:49 PM
It's such a tough trench to be trapped in. I know you are a strong woman, but sometimes you can only pile on so much at a time. Unfortunately fertility is not fair or just. People who would be the most dedicated incredible parents are not rewarded with babies, that's just not how it works. Focus on what you can influence right now, your own health, and do what you need to do to block out the comparisons of yourself to others.
Faith and Hope
Feb 17 2012 07:03 AM
You're not alone girl...I was in the best head space ever a few weeks ago. Ready to let go and move on. Then like a kick in the pants a lady who sits next to me at work announced that at 42 and without the use of IVF she is 14 weeks pregnant! Now every day all I hear about is the amazing news and 1000 baby comments. I love this woman but it feels like the universe is rubbing my infertility in my face. I wonder about carma...what did I ever do??
Absolutely - it's hard to find that balance between giving IF treatments your all and keeping yourself healthy. It's so individual, so you can only really do what feels right to you. Trial by error.

I try to take each day as it comes and to focus on what I can do in the present moment to make myself happy and make my life full. I focus on the things that I can control - which as it turns out, are not the most important things to me - but at least it's something.

(Staying away from pregnant women helps a lot. I prefer to enjoy my own company rather than torture myself listening to women talking about their pregnancy/kids.)

And BTW, when you look in the mirror, don't hate yourself. Give yourself some compliments instead.
    • papoose76 likes this
I totally know how you feel. I also have a high BMI (sounds more medical than obese) and I have been told by many people (including my mother) that my weight is the reason I can't get pregnant. Then i look around me and see smokers, drinkers and even a friend who never ate a vegetable EVER!! geting pregnant. I wonder, why am I the one who has to give up everything to get what I want so much, while others wake up and say "crap I am pregnant" like it is nothing. I know I am supposed to end this with positive words, but sometimes, the only thing I can say is - I UNDERSTAND! IT SUCKS! But we are stronger women for it.
Feb 17 2012 02:25 PM
I think the thing I hate most about IF is how bitter it made me. I am not a bitter or negative person at all, and the fact that I seemed incapable of being happy for others anymore really bugged me. I knew 10+ people who were pregnant at one time, all who had conceived with no problems right after my first m/c. Talk about a kick in the teeth.

While I feel less bitter about some things, and definitely more capable of being happy for others (and ecstatic for people here!), I still feel that twinge and it gets to me even more the people who take it for granted or don't appreciate it. It makes me so mad that my friend's sister who had her three kids taken away by CAS (and are still in the system because our adoption system is screwed up too) gets pregnant again by accident, and yet people who would make wonderful parents can't seem to no matter what they do. It really is not fair.
    • Laura1976 likes this
You know - reading this makes me hear my mother's voice - it was in response to me as a child saying "that's not fair" and she said:

"no one ever said life was going to be fair….."

She died 22 years ago this year. Amazing how right she was. It's as clear in my memory as if it were yesterday.

You are stronger than you think and will fall in love with yourself again. Do little things for your body like walking, moving every chance you get, eating loving healthy live foods, and surrounding yourself with loving people (*like us!).
I read "Women, Food & God" last summer and it helped me choose food as fuel instead of always eating unhealthy foods. Before you know it your body will learn that its ok to find the balance again.

As far as everyone being pregnant, I hear ya. A friend, 42, just had her first baby boy. She was told at 16 she would never carry due to her uterus shape, survived an ugly divorce of 1st husband, met 2nd husband 2 yrs ago, applied for adoption, just about to have home visit, and burnt her house down (by accident), then 2 days after they spent their first night in renovated home, she had her son. Stressed out does not seem to cover her last year, but she survived and made it through 30 weeks of bedrest to have this little miracle. We are stronger than we think, and are meant to be parents. Its just a long road that we can handle.

I hope reading all our little comments helps you realize you are loved and we sure all want the best for you, and everyone on here.
    • Laura1976 likes this
Aww thank you everyone, it is comforting to know that I am not the only one. At times, I do feel like that...

kj- wise words from your mom <3 I'm sorry you had to deal with such a tremendous loss so young!

There is ONE thing my mom told me that sticks with me always "You gotta do the best with what you got" hehe I'm paraphrasing here as I can't remember her exact wording. I love my mom so much, I cried in her arms when my first cycle failed... I'm crying now as I remember that day :'(
It may be hard to see the positive right now, but there are a lot in your life. You have a man that you love, two step children that you adore. You have sisters who you are very close to and a loving mother and father.

I hope that you soon are able to resolve your infertility, but please don't let it define you and how you look at life. I know it's hard at times, i have struggled through the anger phase too, but I am much more at ease now that I have decided to refuse to let myself dwell on the lives of others.

Here's a quote that I like:

A Smooth road never makes a good driver!
A Smooth sea never makes a good sailor!
A Clear Sky never makes a good pilot!
A Problem free life never makes a strong person!
So Be strong enough to accept the challengers of your life.
Don't ask Life"Why me?"
Instead say "Try Me!" :-))

And anothe one:

An old Cherokee man told his grandson,
"My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth."
The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"
The old man quietly replied,
"The one you feed."

My reproductive history (or lack thereof)

From age 13 to 18 I had one boyfriend who it turned out was unfaithful to me. We never used condoms because I trusted him and I was on birth control. He gave me an STD at age 17 (gonorrhea) and I had no symptoms, so I have no clue how long I had it before I had it treated.

From age 18 (yeah my relationships overlapped because I was "getting even" but fell in love with the guy I cheated with) to age 22 I was with a different guy. We lived together for 3 of those 4 years and ttc with no luck at all.

Age 23 to age 30 I was with my ex-husband. I started seeing my fertility specialist in 2004 (age 28). HSG showed clear tubes. Lap- 2 fibroids removed, some lysis of adhesions. 3 Clomid cycles all BFN. Another HSG showed clear tubes a year later, and another lap after that showed nothing major (exploratory). More clomid cycles, more bfn's. He never wanted to do ART, he called it "playing God". Then he cheated on me and I had to kick the bastard to the curb.

Age 32 (2008) to present, I have been with my second husband. We instantly fell in love and after a couple months of dating, moved in together and started ttc. We "just knew". We started seeing my same fertility specialist and had an HSG which showed one partially blocked tube (non-mechanical blockage). May 2009 I found out I was pregnant!! Very unexpected but very much wanted. Ultrasound at 6 weeks 6 days showed nothing in uterus, pregnancy was ectopic. It was removed at 7 weeks pregnant. Worst emotional pain ever sad.gif HSG 3 months later showed one fully blocked tube, one open. We registered in the IVF program in January 2010, and are just now in the process.

IVF #1
Suprefact: Sept 27-Oct 17
Puregon: Oct 8- Oct 17
ER: Oct 20
ET: 23: 3 eggs retrieved, all intact, 2 fertilized and made it to transfer!
Beta: November 4/10 moved up to Nov.2/10 because I started bleeding heavily and tested negative on a FRER. I am beyond devastated... Beta was less than 1.2 BFN

I am back on the waiting list at my clinic to do another IVF cycle. The wait is 8-9 months, so I won't be cycling until either July or August 2011. In the meantime, I will be trying naturally and giving "Benedryl therapy" a try in case I have implantation issues. Can't hurt.

HSG done March 15/11- Both tubes were clear. Appointment on April 6th, new b/w, pap, and Rx for Femara for May and June cycles.

IVF #2
July 25- first u/s and b/w. Cyst on right ovary & estrogen level high. Injections delayed.
July 28- second u/s and b/w; no change... cycle cancelled th_aggahhh.gif
July 31- October 1st I will be on BCP.
Oct 3- first u/s and E2 b/w- fingers crossed that the cyst will be gone...
Cyst is gone! Started microdose Suprefact (20 units) on October 4th twice a day, and Bravelle (150 iu) & Menopur (75 iu) on October 6th twice a day.
First monitoring appointment on October 12th!! Fingers still crossed!
ER, October 19th: 10 eggs retrieved, 9 fertilized!!
ET, October 22nd: 2 embryos transferred (one was 8 celled, the other a morula)
BFP on early pregnancy test (10miu) on 8dp3dt
Beta: November 3rd!!! Fingers crossed!!! 112!!!!! yahoo.gif
Beta #2: November 5th- 133 sad.png
Beta #3: November 9th- 31... cry.gif Another angel baby in Heaven...

HSG; December/2011- Right tube blocked (hydrosalpinx) at the end where the ovary is. Left tube clear.

FET #1- transferred 3 embryos on March 23rd
BFN on FRER (April 4th)
Beta: April 5th- negative


December, 2012- Husband left me for another woman. TTC has ended for me.cry.gif


Me: 36 years young
Him: 36 years young wink.gif
Step-son: 14
Step-daughter: 12
2 cats: Sprinkles & Leonardo

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