Thinking of being "done"
When the nurse told me "you're pregnant" and gave me a due date of July 11th, 2012 and told me to start looking for a ob/gyn, of course I was thinking "whoooooaaaa, slow down... what if this doesn't work?" I didn't want my worries to be valid... I wanted people to say "Oh don't worry, everything will be fine" even if they knew it was a lie. But even when my husband was doing just that? I was not happy with it. I told him "how do you know?" and "you don't know how I'm feeling". My poor husband. He has been a pillar of strength for me since the day I met him. I love to be babied, and he does that for me. My sisters say I am lucky, and I know I am. I have the man of my dreams, after a marriage full of cheating and lies with my ex-husband, who seemed content that we would get pregnant through prayer alone.
But that's another blog entry. I had actually resigned to a child free life after my divorce. Then I met my husband with two kids and figured, hey I could be a mom to them. Pffft. It's not how it works. I do admit it makes questions easier, "them: do you have children? me: yes I have two stepkids", it seems to stop the questions whereas before I was a stepmom it would be something like "them: do you have have children? me: no. them: oh, why not? you don't like children? me: (trying not to say what I really wanted to say) I can't have kids. them: (either some moronic comment or the typical assvice of having a test tube baby or adopt, because it's super easy; note the sarcasm?) Oh that's too bad, I love being a mom. (and that's really happened, again and again).
I guess for the time being I am going to try live my life the way it was when I first met Greg. I had no intentions of having biological children when I had met him.... until I fell in love with him and wanted so badly to make it happen. I told him right off the hop that I could not get pregnant. I had never ever had a pregnancy AT ALL until 11 months after I met my now husband. We had been mulling over trying to finance an ivf cycle when I noticed some differences in my cycle. This was my first pregnancy, completely enexpected but completely wanted. This was also my ectopic pregnancy.
Anyway, I need to find my purpose once again. If it's not to be a mother... what is it? And what will make me happy? It's hard to look past the money we wasted doing these two ivf cycles. Christmas is going to be a little poverty-esque this year. I'm not being paid for the 3 weeks I took off work as I didn't have any banked sick days. Merry Effin Christmas... :