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Thinking of being "done"

Posted by papoose76 , 23 November 2011 · 1455 views

I've been very moody lately and of course everything seems to be revolving around TTC. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I'm getting sick of it, and I'm getting sick of having hope year after year. Nothing seems to work out for me and I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, I'm stating facts. I'm actually quite content with taking time before my first FET to "enjoy" my life and try to really examine WHAT besides having a baby will make me happy? I'm so unhappy with my life at this point. I'm not the wife I want to be to my husband, I'm always sad or mad about something and lately it has all been TTC related. I'm more of a "buddy" to my stepdaughter and my stepson never comes around so it's not like I play a "mom role" anywhere else but my classroom. My stress level is at an all time high and that makes me a very crabby teacher. I don't want to be "that teacher". Judging from the hugs from my students, I've not yet become that person.... YET.

When the nurse told me "you're pregnant" and gave me a due date of July 11th, 2012 and told me to start looking for a ob/gyn, of course I was thinking "whoooooaaaa, slow down... what if this doesn't work?" I didn't want my worries to be valid... I wanted people to say "Oh don't worry, everything will be fine" even if they knew it was a lie. But even when my husband was doing just that? I was not happy with it. I told him "how do you know?" and "you don't know how I'm feeling". My poor husband. He has been a pillar of strength for me since the day I met him. I love to be babied, and he does that for me. My sisters say I am lucky, and I know I am. I have the man of my dreams, after a marriage full of cheating and lies with my ex-husband, who seemed content that we would get pregnant through prayer alone. Posted Image

But that's another blog entry. I had actually resigned to a child free life after my divorce. Then I met my husband with two kids and figured, hey I could be a mom to them. Pffft. It's not how it works. I do admit it makes questions easier, "them: do you have children? me: yes I have two stepkids", it seems to stop the questions whereas before I was a stepmom it would be something like "them: do you have have children? me: no. them: oh, why not? you don't like children? me: (trying not to say what I really wanted to say) I can't have kids. them: (either some moronic comment or the typical assvice of having a test tube baby or adopt, because it's super easy; note the sarcasm?) Oh that's too bad, I love being a mom. Posted Image (and that's really happened, again and again).
I guess for the time being I am going to try live my life the way it was when I first met Greg. I had no intentions of having biological children when I had met him.... until I fell in love with him and wanted so badly to make it happen. I told him right off the hop that I could not get pregnant. I had never ever had a pregnancy AT ALL until 11 months after I met my now husband. We had been mulling over trying to finance an ivf cycle when I noticed some differences in my cycle. This was my first pregnancy, completely enexpected but completely wanted. This was also my ectopic pregnancy.

Anyway, I need to find my purpose once again. If it's not to be a mother... what is it? And what will make me happy? It's hard to look past the money we wasted doing these two ivf cycles. Christmas is going to be a little poverty-esque this year. I'm not being paid for the 3 weeks I took off work as I didn't have any banked sick days. Posted Image Merry Effin Christmas... :Posted Image

I don't know what to say... my heart breaks for you. ((hugs))
This post rings true for so many people, no matter what stage of the "journey" they are in. Just today a friend and I were talking about everything in your first paragraph...and we haven't even been through half as much as others (me: 2 miscarriages and 4 IUI's, her: 2 IUI's and in the 2ww on her 1st IVF). It's so hard...when you've been trying for so long counting, charting, symptom spotting and hoping becomes ENGRAINED in your very existence. It's hard to not concentrate on those things when you have been doing it for so long!

Totally off topic but....didn't your board let you take a "medical leave" thereby getting paid for your time off? I can't believe that they would make you take an unpaid leave :( That really sucks.

Anyway, I know it's not a consolation but unfortunately (or in a weird sadistic kind of way, fortunately) there are others who know what you're going through...I hope you are able to "enjoy" the little things as you plan for your FET.
Thank you, yeah unfortunately we have to earn our sick days. Fugged up policy. We get 1.25 days per month in sick leave and have to accumulate them to use them. I only had a couple from last year. I was originally going on stress leave until after Christmas (due to the pregnancy and wanting to be safe by reducing stress). For some reason or other, I never did make it to get my papers (R.O.E.) and go apply for sick leave benefits through my employment insurance. I had (still have) the doctors note, and my note... but that means nothing when you have nowhere to send it. I feel so screwed over, twice. I'm just getting more and more discouraged. I need a cigarette... lol I quit off and on for the past two years but this last stretch has been 11 weeks cold turkey without one. I think I'm due... Fuggit.

My reproductive history (or lack thereof)

From age 13 to 18 I had one boyfriend who it turned out was unfaithful to me. We never used condoms because I trusted him and I was on birth control. He gave me an STD at age 17 (gonorrhea) and I had no symptoms, so I have no clue how long I had it before I had it treated.

From age 18 (yeah my relationships overlapped because I was "getting even" but fell in love with the guy I cheated with) to age 22 I was with a different guy. We lived together for 3 of those 4 years and ttc with no luck at all.

Age 23 to age 30 I was with my ex-husband. I started seeing my fertility specialist in 2004 (age 28). HSG showed clear tubes. Lap- 2 fibroids removed, some lysis of adhesions. 3 Clomid cycles all BFN. Another HSG showed clear tubes a year later, and another lap after that showed nothing major (exploratory). More clomid cycles, more bfn's. He never wanted to do ART, he called it "playing God". Then he cheated on me and I had to kick the bastard to the curb.

Age 32 (2008) to present, I have been with my second husband. We instantly fell in love and after a couple months of dating, moved in together and started ttc. We "just knew". We started seeing my same fertility specialist and had an HSG which showed one partially blocked tube (non-mechanical blockage). May 2009 I found out I was pregnant!! Very unexpected but very much wanted. Ultrasound at 6 weeks 6 days showed nothing in uterus, pregnancy was ectopic. It was removed at 7 weeks pregnant. Worst emotional pain ever sad.gif HSG 3 months later showed one fully blocked tube, one open. We registered in the IVF program in January 2010, and are just now in the process.

IVF #1
Suprefact: Sept 27-Oct 17
Puregon: Oct 8- Oct 17
ER: Oct 20
ET: 23: 3 eggs retrieved, all intact, 2 fertilized and made it to transfer!
Beta: November 4/10 moved up to Nov.2/10 because I started bleeding heavily and tested negative on a FRER. I am beyond devastated... Beta was less than 1.2 BFN

I am back on the waiting list at my clinic to do another IVF cycle. The wait is 8-9 months, so I won't be cycling until either July or August 2011. In the meantime, I will be trying naturally and giving "Benedryl therapy" a try in case I have implantation issues. Can't hurt.

HSG done March 15/11- Both tubes were clear. Appointment on April 6th, new b/w, pap, and Rx for Femara for May and June cycles.

IVF #2
July 25- first u/s and b/w. Cyst on right ovary & estrogen level high. Injections delayed.
July 28- second u/s and b/w; no change... cycle cancelled th_aggahhh.gif
July 31- October 1st I will be on BCP.
Oct 3- first u/s and E2 b/w- fingers crossed that the cyst will be gone...
Cyst is gone! Started microdose Suprefact (20 units) on October 4th twice a day, and Bravelle (150 iu) & Menopur (75 iu) on October 6th twice a day.
First monitoring appointment on October 12th!! Fingers still crossed!
ER, October 19th: 10 eggs retrieved, 9 fertilized!!
ET, October 22nd: 2 embryos transferred (one was 8 celled, the other a morula)
BFP on early pregnancy test (10miu) on 8dp3dt
Beta: November 3rd!!! Fingers crossed!!! 112!!!!! yahoo.gif
Beta #2: November 5th- 133 sad.png
Beta #3: November 9th- 31... cry.gif Another angel baby in Heaven...

HSG; December/2011- Right tube blocked (hydrosalpinx) at the end where the ovary is. Left tube clear.

FET #1- transferred 3 embryos on March 23rd
BFN on FRER (April 4th)
Beta: April 5th- negative


December, 2012- Husband left me for another woman. TTC has ended for me.cry.gif


Me: 36 years young
Him: 36 years young wink.gif
Step-son: 14
Step-daughter: 12
2 cats: Sprinkles & Leonardo

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