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Empty bank account, empty belly, empty heart...

Posted by papoose76 , 09 November 2011 · 3057 views

I feel so broken. Why do I keep doing this to myself? What if a baby is just "not in the cards" for us? For me? I have been ttc my first for 11 years off and on, not counting the ex boyfriend I tried with...

I thought this was my "finally"... After last year's ivf cycle went so crappy and left me with no frosties, I decided that this was going to be IT. To see all those follicles on the ultrasound just made me so happy!! To hear them tell me we had 10 eggs after retrieval, made me ecstatic! Then the next day, when they told me that 9 of those 10 fertilized... I was over the moon!! On transfer day, to find out that we had two excellent quality 3-day embryos being transferred back to mommy... I just knew this was it. 8 days later, I caved and tested with an "extra sensitive" internet cheapie HPT. There was a faint line. The next day, there was a faint line, then the next and the next... Beta day came and over the phone, I heard "good news, girl!! You're pregnant! Your hcg was 112." I wasn't thrilled about the low-ish number but was always reading that you can't judge by one number alone. Two days later, hcg was 133...

I was devastated and knew this was NOT GOOD. Then, the creeping thought of a "vanishing twin" gave me some hope. Today my hcg was 31. I miscarried my precious baby. I know most people in the fertile world will not think of a pregnancy ending at 5 weeks as "losing a baby", but I do.

I wish I had not screamed to the world that I was pregnant. Now comes the "un-telling", and consoling of others. I have already received many comments of "WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADOPT???" FFS.... I guess I can't be mad at them for being such idiots. They don't know wtf this process involves, OR the process of adoption...

So now I gather myself together, dust myself off, save for my first FET, and decide when we will allow our hearts to be vulnerable again...

Did I mention that infertility SUCKS???

Laura1976

Nov 09 2011 06:26 PM

I am so sorry (((HUGS))) Please remember we are here for you and I have big shoulders if you need/want someone to lean on.

I have faith that it will happen for you. Your story is not over yet.

- Suz1980 likes this

doubleranebow

Nov 09 2011 06:28 PM

I'm sorry. I've been following your story and hoping that this was IT for you as well. I know what it's like to miscarry too and I felt my early miscarriages were losses too. I also teach a grade 2/3 class and relate to how hard it is to go through infertility while teaching a class of children. My story is different than yours but I can still relate.
Hugs to you and I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Yvonne

Nov 09 2011 06:33 PM

I'm so sorry to hear how this ended and that you have lost this precious little one. I agree these early losses are real losses of a life we so wanted.

I agree, it does suck! I'm currently trying to get up the courage to try another FET after our loss....it's hard.

Good Fortune

Nov 09 2011 06:35 PM

I know you feel ****ing awful, but it sounds like this was a really good cycle. Argh, that sounds wrong under the circumstances, but the numbers and the frozen embryos - they're great!
I can't be a credible sympathiser over the early m/c as I've never had one. I don't know what that euphoria followed by despair is like, I can only imagine. So I am sorry for that. I have no real right to comment, but just wanted to say, there is hope. Not today or this week, but soon. You'll try again, you know you will. x

leigh14

Nov 09 2011 06:53 PM

Nona, I've been in your shoes and had a m/c after IVF. It's terrible under any circumstance but it just seems so unfair when you've gone through hoops to get pregnant. The next little while is going to be very hard but remind yourself that you are strong and you will get through this. And I really believe that another pregnancy and baby is in the cards for you. Hang in there. Big hugs for you. I am so sorry for your loss. xo

apanda

Nov 09 2011 07:02 PM

I am so sorry we know and understand your pain. You did lose a baby and it is sad and you need to grieve. Sending you hugs!

impatient

Nov 09 2011 07:05 PM

Sorry to hear your bad news, Nona. I've been there and there's something particularly cruel about going through an entire IVF cycle, getting a BFP and then having it end in a chemical/early miscarriage.

Cassandra_Angela

Nov 09 2011 07:09 PM

Nona I'm really sorry and in all honesty I thought that your beta would have risen today.
I know that this is going to sound terrible but I say it with the utmost compassion..at least your beta has dropped quickly and so your only obstacle will be finances... my beta took forever to drop down and the waiting drove me nuts because I had frosties waiting for me and I was convinced that one of them was THE ONE.
I know that your likely thinking about throwing in the towel and are thinking that biological motherhood just isnt in the cards for you but keep your chin up and keep the prize in your sights.

- hazypeanut and galfromaway like this

papoose76

Nov 09 2011 07:17 PM

Cassandra, I agree. With my ectopic pregnancy it took weeks to drop to zero. Thank you so much everyone for the kind words. I love this online community.

Blinkie

Nov 09 2011 07:48 PM

I hope you don't mind me adding my two cents....I have been following your story a little and send my heart felt condolences on your loss. As you note people that have children may not consider a 5 week loss as a loss of a child, but for those of us that are on this journey the ability to get pregnant is such a hurdle that we start believing in our baby the moment it is confirmed that we are pregnant. My heart goes out to you during this time and the upcoming months.

- papoose76 and Emily81 like this

LisainSK

Nov 09 2011 07:51 PM

Its been a while since I logged into this forum, but Papoose...I am just devastated upon reading your news. I am really really sorry.

ladylazarus

Nov 09 2011 07:54 PM

I've been through the chemical pregnancy and it hit me like a freight train. I told all my close friends & relatives only to suffer that terrible loss (and the unfortunate invalidating comments that follow from those who mean well but are clueless).

I know you're in a tough spot because you have to keep up appearances while you're working when you'd rather be grieving without distraction. This cycle has been quite the roller coaster and I imagine it's left you both exhausted and aggrieved. I'm just so sorry. I have to think, also, that your story is not over.

Emily81

Nov 09 2011 08:03 PM

I'm so sorry, I'm heartbroken for you. Hope you are taking good care of yourself..

jules1975

Nov 09 2011 09:19 PM

I am so sorry for your loss......I really hope next time you finally get your precious baby ((hugs))

mmv

Nov 09 2011 09:23 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please take car of yourself.
I'm sure that one of the frosties will be the one.

RainbowsPromise

Nov 09 2011 09:31 PM

Hugs. It does seem to get harder with each try but it also somehow makes us stronger. Allow yourself to grieve.

smc

Nov 09 2011 10:07 PM

I am so sorry. I know how bad it sucks to hear that news. Sending you a million hugs.

papoose76

Nov 09 2011 10:14 PM

Thank you everyone

tjluvbug

Nov 10 2011 12:22 AM

So very sorry. I too had an early miscarriage and although I was told numerous times, just feel lucky that it happened so early! This is no consolation and people who've never gone through what we all have will likely never really understand the despair that we feel when we lose a baby so early. To us it is everything to hear those words...."you're pregnant" because we've maybe never heard it before. Take this time to grieve and take care of you. When the time is right you will have the opportunity to try again with your frosties.

dawnkey

Nov 10 2011 12:58 AM

I'm so sorry - life is so cruel sometimes. You're in my thoughts and prayers always.

My reproductive history (or lack thereof)

From age 13 to 18 I had one boyfriend who it turned out was unfaithful to me. We never used condoms because I trusted him and I was on birth control. He gave me an STD at age 17 (gonorrhea) and I had no symptoms, so I have no clue how long I had it before I had it treated.

From age 18 (yeah my relationships overlapped because I was "getting even" but fell in love with the guy I cheated with) to age 22 I was with a different guy. We lived together for 3 of those 4 years and ttc with no luck at all.

Age 23 to age 30 I was with my ex-husband. I started seeing my fertility specialist in 2004 (age 28). HSG showed clear tubes. Lap- 2 fibroids removed, some lysis of adhesions. 3 Clomid cycles all BFN. Another HSG showed clear tubes a year later, and another lap after that showed nothing major (exploratory). More clomid cycles, more bfn's. He never wanted to do ART, he called it "playing God". Then he cheated on me and I had to kick the bastard to the curb.

Age 32 (2008) to present, I have been with my second husband. We instantly fell in love and after a couple months of dating, moved in together and started ttc. We "just knew". We started seeing my same fertility specialist and had an HSG which showed one partially blocked tube (non-mechanical blockage). May 2009 I found out I was pregnant!! Very unexpected but very much wanted. Ultrasound at 6 weeks 6 days showed nothing in uterus, pregnancy was ectopic. It was removed at 7 weeks pregnant. Worst emotional pain ever HSG 3 months later showed one fully blocked tube, one open. We registered in the IVF program in January 2010, and are just now in the process.

IVF #1
Suprefact: Sept 27-Oct 17
Puregon: Oct 8- Oct 17
ER: Oct 20
ET: 23: 3 eggs retrieved, all intact, 2 fertilized and made it to transfer!
Beta: November 4/10 moved up to Nov.2/10 because I started bleeding heavily and tested negative on a FRER. I am beyond devastated... Beta was less than 1.2 BFN

I am back on the waiting list at my clinic to do another IVF cycle. The wait is 8-9 months, so I won't be cycling until either July or August 2011. In the meantime, I will be trying naturally and giving "Benedryl therapy" a try in case I have implantation issues. Can't hurt.

HSG done March 15/11- Both tubes were clear. Appointment on April 6th, new b/w, pap, and Rx for Femara for May and June cycles.

IVF #2
July 25- first u/s and b/w. Cyst on right ovary & estrogen level high. Injections delayed.
July 28- second u/s and b/w; no change... cycle cancelled
July 31- October 1st I will be on BCP.
Oct 3- first u/s and E2 b/w- fingers crossed that the cyst will be gone...
Cyst is gone! Started microdose Suprefact (20 units) on October 4th twice a day, and Bravelle (150 iu) & Menopur (75 iu) on October 6th twice a day.
First monitoring appointment on October 12th!! Fingers still crossed!
ER, October 19th: 10 eggs retrieved, 9 fertilized!!
ET, October 22nd: 2 embryos transferred (one was 8 celled, the other a morula)
BFP on early pregnancy test (10miu) on 8dp3dt
Beta: November 3rd!!! Fingers crossed!!! 112!!!!!
Beta #2: November 5th- 133
Beta #3: November 9th- 31... Another angel baby in Heaven...

HSG; December/2011- Right tube blocked (hydrosalpinx) at the end where the ovary is. Left tube clear.

FET #1- transferred 3 embryos on March 23rd
BFN on FRER (April 4th)
Beta: April 5th- negative