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Can't help but wonder...

Posted by papoose76 , 09 November 2010 · 764 views

...what the reason was that my embies didn't stick? What are the reasons that anyone's embies don't stick? They seemed perfect. They seemed to thrive until they were put back into my body... I hate this body. Why couldn't I have been given one that could do what it's supposed to do?? Crackhead whores have better reproductive organs than I do!! I'm sorry to go on and on about my pain, I am having such a hard time getting over this... :tears:

I wish I had the right words to make you feel okay. Just know that there are many women here that know what you are going through. ((hugs))
Erin Elizabeth
Nov 09 2010 02:47 PM
No words will make you feel better - I'm so sorry! Hugs!
I do know how you feel, how come all the women who don't want kids have no problems getting pregnant??
Did you have a follow up with the RE? Did he attempt to answer this? (hugs)
I wish I had the answers for you Papoose...thinking of you.
Sometimes there is no clear explanation and that is what makes it so hard! I have a girlfriend who just had a baby after having IF treatment. She has no idea why it didn't work all those other times but did this time. Sometimes there just are no answers. Hang in there! ((Hugs)) When you meet with your RE make sure that you ask any questions that you might have.
My follow up isn't until January 13th... Thanks ladies.
Good Fortune
Nov 09 2010 04:58 PM
Why indeed. I think the answers are some way off. There are so many theories - DNA fragmentation, high killer cells, maternal age, uterine blood flow, body temperature. And so on. I too feel useless and toxic sometimes. I think the first cut is the deepest though.
I can feel your pain through your words. Here's a hug from me, and I'm hoping for the best for you.
I teared and choked up when I read your words. I wrote in my journal last night exactly what you said "why can't my body just do what it's supposed to do.".....I hear you and understand. :)
    • papoose76 likes this
Thinking of you!!! Wish I had answers to make you feel better but unfortunately I don't. All I can say is try not to blame yourself and take time for yourself. Hopefully your second round will go well and they will learn a lot from this past cycle...
hoping for two
Nov 10 2010 12:42 AM
Your in my thoughts. There's know easy way to go through this, try to keep a strong mind. I'm praying your second try will be sucsessful.
Thank you, all of you. :(

My reproductive history (or lack thereof)

From age 13 to 18 I had one boyfriend who it turned out was unfaithful to me. We never used condoms because I trusted him and I was on birth control. He gave me an STD at age 17 (gonorrhea) and I had no symptoms, so I have no clue how long I had it before I had it treated.

From age 18 (yeah my relationships overlapped because I was "getting even" but fell in love with the guy I cheated with) to age 22 I was with a different guy. We lived together for 3 of those 4 years and ttc with no luck at all.

Age 23 to age 30 I was with my ex-husband. I started seeing my fertility specialist in 2004 (age 28). HSG showed clear tubes. Lap- 2 fibroids removed, some lysis of adhesions. 3 Clomid cycles all BFN. Another HSG showed clear tubes a year later, and another lap after that showed nothing major (exploratory). More clomid cycles, more bfn's. He never wanted to do ART, he called it "playing God". Then he cheated on me and I had to kick the bastard to the curb.

Age 32 (2008) to present, I have been with my second husband. We instantly fell in love and after a couple months of dating, moved in together and started ttc. We "just knew". We started seeing my same fertility specialist and had an HSG which showed one partially blocked tube (non-mechanical blockage). May 2009 I found out I was pregnant!! Very unexpected but very much wanted. Ultrasound at 6 weeks 6 days showed nothing in uterus, pregnancy was ectopic. It was removed at 7 weeks pregnant. Worst emotional pain ever sad.gif HSG 3 months later showed one fully blocked tube, one open. We registered in the IVF program in January 2010, and are just now in the process.

IVF #1
Suprefact: Sept 27-Oct 17
Puregon: Oct 8- Oct 17
ER: Oct 20
ET: 23: 3 eggs retrieved, all intact, 2 fertilized and made it to transfer!
Beta: November 4/10 moved up to Nov.2/10 because I started bleeding heavily and tested negative on a FRER. I am beyond devastated... Beta was less than 1.2 BFN

I am back on the waiting list at my clinic to do another IVF cycle. The wait is 8-9 months, so I won't be cycling until either July or August 2011. In the meantime, I will be trying naturally and giving "Benedryl therapy" a try in case I have implantation issues. Can't hurt.

HSG done March 15/11- Both tubes were clear. Appointment on April 6th, new b/w, pap, and Rx for Femara for May and June cycles.

IVF #2
July 25- first u/s and b/w. Cyst on right ovary & estrogen level high. Injections delayed.
July 28- second u/s and b/w; no change... cycle cancelled th_aggahhh.gif
July 31- October 1st I will be on BCP.
Oct 3- first u/s and E2 b/w- fingers crossed that the cyst will be gone...
Cyst is gone! Started microdose Suprefact (20 units) on October 4th twice a day, and Bravelle (150 iu) & Menopur (75 iu) on October 6th twice a day.
First monitoring appointment on October 12th!! Fingers still crossed!
ER, October 19th: 10 eggs retrieved, 9 fertilized!!
ET, October 22nd: 2 embryos transferred (one was 8 celled, the other a morula)
BFP on early pregnancy test (10miu) on 8dp3dt
Beta: November 3rd!!! Fingers crossed!!! 112!!!!! yahoo.gif
Beta #2: November 5th- 133 sad.png
Beta #3: November 9th- 31... cry.gif Another angel baby in Heaven...

HSG; December/2011- Right tube blocked (hydrosalpinx) at the end where the ovary is. Left tube clear.

FET #1- transferred 3 embryos on March 23rd
BFN on FRER (April 4th)
Beta: April 5th- negative


December, 2012- Husband left me for another woman. TTC has ended for me.cry.gif


Me: 36 years young
Him: 36 years young wink.gif
Step-son: 14
Step-daughter: 12
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