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Posted by joyfulintent , in bedrest 01 January 2010 · 873 views

ivf icsi 24w pprom
So, I'm not sure I mentioned before my fear of hospitals.

Odd because at school I was very much on track for medicine but then itchy feet took me to Britain for university and somehow I ended up doing a degree in history and politics before getting into business after graduation. But I'd always thought of the path I didn't take and whether medicine would have been a better fit. And then I visited my friend at her work in a hospital and realized within seconds that I would find it almost impossible to work in a place where such serious things happen - every day! I love my job, and I think it matters and I try to do it as well as I possibly can but am fundamentally grateful that during my working days no one gets hurt, no one suffers tragedy, no one dies.

And now, here I am in a hospital, in one of those potentially scary situations, and profoundly grateful and calm being here. Bed rest continues uneventfully, baby doing well, every day marks a significant step forward to a better outcome. Long may it continue!

It makes me reflect on what I was really fearing with my hospital-avoidance. Perhaps on that long ago visit what I recognized is that real life, in all it's messy, complicated, gory detail, is more present in a place like this. Where planning, organization and objectives will take you only so far. Where control is an illusion. Where your timeframe shrinks to today, maybe tomorrow, but getting too far ahead of yourself is revealed as the pointless and ultimately stressful and negative exercise that it is.

Likely I will not be transformed permanently into a card carrying Buddhist, but I am grateful for the insight and the peace it's brought me today.

Happy New Year and hopes that for each of us in our different stages in this IF journey that in 2010 we can stay focused on the blessings we have, the promise and joys of today and greet the future with hope and acceptance, in the knowledge that whatever it brings will be, somehow, OK.


Good Fortune
Jan 01 2010 06:57 PM
Your entry made me smile. I work in a big busy trauma centre and see some nasty, sad, depressing stuff but it's easy not to notice it after years in the Health Service. But when I was training it completely freaked me out! So many sick people in the world, why wasn't I sick?

I am grateful I have the good fortune and good sense to enjoy good health and look after my good health. And I am privileged to be able to look after those that don't. I really do like my job. It is a messy, gory and sometimes bungling microcosm as you say, but the intentions of those caring for you are so good. You will be just fine.

Enjoy this time as best you can. Accept the loss of control and let your mind wander to how wonderfully worth it it'll all be in the end! You sound literally laid-back already.
*hugs* Thinking of you

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