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How many times can we move on?

Posted by DiXie , 27 April 2011 · 2882 views

Is there a set number somewhere??

26 April 2011 - 12 weeks 4 days

and it just happend, no bleeding, no scares,no hospitals for 12 weeks, everything was going so perfectly. The cramping just started at 2am,I was actually stupid enough to think it was gas or constipation, that is how mild my cramps were, at 6am the fetus came out, I don't think anyone is prepared to see something like it and I think I will never forget I saw it, it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I will see it in my sleep and every time I close my eyes, I even see it without closing my eyes.
D&C was preformed last night by my choice, I wanted this over with as soon as possible, I could not handle seeing more clots and tissues come out, I would see it in every cloth I passed (sorry about TMI).

I spent the 2 months of this pregnancy in fear every time I felt a cramp, as I entered the 12th week I finally relaxed, thinking I actually made it. I even started believing that this might be the one, I dared to dream about how will it feel when I hold my baby for the first time, how, I might name it...

I might be wrong in saying this, but I was happy before this pregnancy, I had made up my mind that living childless was what I wanted from my life, and I was very happy with my decision, pregnancy and a baby were last thing on my mind, I had my life, I felt like I was starting my life from scratch and liked it, can I say that the pregnancy ruined my plans??? Am I allowed to say this?? Can I pretend I am a teenager and regret not using birth control?

I have no idea what I am writing, I am all over the place, I am not sure where to go, what to do...I just know that I don't want to feel this pain ever again, I never want to experience what I have experienced in the last 36 hours....

don't feel sorry for me, I am not feeling sorry for my self, I have chosen this path or has it chosen me?? we will never know...

moving on will be very hard but I will move on and be happy again

If we are to keep score:

4 for God 3 for myself - a tie is only a grasp away....

mkttc

Apr 27 2011 04:51 PM

I am just so sorry.

Raspberry

Apr 27 2011 04:52 PM

O Dixie..i'm so sorry.. :th_acheerlead:

I wish i could say something that would help and i could take away your pain..Nobody should go thru what you're going thru..life can be so unfair..Thiking of you and sending you HUGE HUGS. :th_abighug:

sunflower

Apr 27 2011 04:54 PM

Dixie, I am so so sorry for what you have just gone through. I truly cannot even imagine how difficult this time is. I have been following your story and was so thrilled for you, why does life always seem so unfair? I will be thinking about you lots and I hope you will be able to find comfort in those that love you. xo,SF

smc

Apr 27 2011 05:02 PM

I am so sorry Dixie. I wish I had some words to make it all go away. You will be happy again, have faith and take comfort in that thought. Sending lots of hugs

doubleranebow

Apr 27 2011 05:20 PM

I am very sorry. I am a miscarriage surviver myself. It is horrific and does change you forever. It makes no sense and often there are no answers. If you ever want to talk or ask me questions you can PM me and I would be happy to help you in any way I can. Hugs.

tmariederm

Apr 27 2011 05:22 PM

I'm not sure who I am crying for you or my own selfish fears. I thought you'd made it, crossed through to the other side, the horror! You've just experience my worst nightmare, how very cruel this is so late. Please know my thoughts are with you and DH. Wishing you strength and healing.

allcriedout

Apr 27 2011 05:32 PM

I am so sorry for your loss...so unfair... ((HUGS))

impatient

Apr 27 2011 05:36 PM

I'm so so so sorry Dixie. I thought you were going to be one of the lucky ones. This so UNFAIR. :th_acheerlead:

Hoping4_1

Apr 27 2011 05:37 PM

bal

Apr 27 2011 05:54 PM

I am very sorry.

Curks

Apr 27 2011 05:54 PM

My heart is breaking for you and your husband.

Ready and waiting

Apr 27 2011 06:00 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. :th_acheerlead:

mollygirl21

Apr 27 2011 06:03 PM

I am so sorry Dixie. Of course you are allowed to regret this - to be angry that fate teased you like this one more time. I am so sorry you have that memory now...why? For what purpose? I am angry for you. Take good care of you and give yourself time to grieve and heal. You'll make it through this - this is hell but you will make it through.

JuneBug

Apr 27 2011 06:10 PM

Dixie I am so sorry. Thinking of you!

Sandibeach

Apr 27 2011 06:31 PM

I'm so sorry... sending you a huge hug and thinking of you... just not fair!! This is cruel.

4leggedbaby

Apr 27 2011 06:44 PM

Life really can be a biotch. I hope you heal quickly from this. God and I aren't on equal footing either so I know the desire to "get even". Many hugs that you get there soon.

Lisa1995

Apr 27 2011 06:46 PM

((Dixie)) So Sorry

snowflake_888

Apr 27 2011 06:48 PM

Awww Dixie. I am SO sorry for your loss - so unfair.

gibasgirl

Apr 27 2011 06:50 PM

Dixie

doodle bug

Apr 27 2011 07:12 PM

Dixie, I am so sad. So sad for you and for your baby. I'm sorry.

2011:ANOTHER suprise miracle natural pregnancy!!!

28 Feb 2011 - HPT - BFP
01 Mar 2011 - Beta 870!!

Suprise Pregnancy! SUMMER 2010

31 June 2010 - HPT BFP -
2 Jul 2010 - BETA at 727.2, pregnancy confirmed by the clinic!!!!!
4 July 2010 - Bleeding - Rising beta all turned out ok
14 Jul 2010 - 6w2d Viability u/s: One heartbeat at 107 bpm!!!!
28 Jul 2010- 8w2d Bleeding (passed one clot!) u/s: Everything is fine - heartbeat at 169bpm!
8 August 2010 - 9w6d miscarriage

Spring 2010: Natural FET with ONE frosty

Mock Cycle:
05 March 2010 - Day 1
15 March 2010 - Start Ovulation Sticks
15 March 2010 - CD11 - Ovulation - Negative
16 March 2010 - CD12 - Ovulation - Negative
17 March 2010 - CD13 - Ovulation - Negative
18 March 2010 - CD14 - Ovulation - Negative
19 March 2010 - CD15 - Ovualtion - Negative! ???
20 March 2010 - CD16 - Ovulation - POSITIVE!!!
22 March 2010 - CD18 - U/S Lining Check - 8.4mm good to go!
26 March 2010 - CD22 - B/W Progesterone Level Check - GOOD!
Real Cycle:
THE REAL CYCLE:
03 April 2010 - Day 1
12 April 2010 - E2 in 500s - Lining at 6.3mm
13 April 2010 - E2 in 400s (drop!)
14 April 2010 - Lining at 6.5mm - E2-in 800s YAY!!!!
16 April 2010 - b/w & u/s - ALL GOOD TO GO
20 April 2010 - TRANSFER One 3bsomething embryo transfered!
28 April 2010 - 8dpt - Faint HPT positive
29 april 2010 - 9dpt - Line is fading on the HPT!!!
01 May 2010 - HPT - BFN
02 May 2010 - AF Arrived BFN

Winter 2009: IVF #1

24 Aug 2009 - consent signed
03 Sep 2009 - Education Session Complete
04 Oct 2009 - Called in with day 1
08 Oct 2009 - Start BCP
22 Oct 2009 - Start Superfact (0.50)
05 Nov 2009 - Start Puregon 200 and reduce Superfact to 0.2
09 Nov 2009 - b/w & u/s #1 -reduce Puregon to 125, Superfact 0.2
11 Nov 2009 - b/w & u/s #2 -10 grown follicles and 14 potential, keep the same dosage
13 Nov 2009 - b/w & u/s #3 - lots of follies growing but not big enough yet..same dosage
14 Nov 2009 - b/w & u/s #4 - disaster! left ovary is to far out of reach, they don't think any follicles will be retr. from it!
15 Nov 2009 - b/w & u/s #5 - enough follicles for a trigger!!!!They will TRY retr. follicles from the LO
17 Nov 2009 - 14 eggs retreived, 13 mature
18 Nov 2009 - 8 eggs fertilized
20 Nov 2009 - ET - 2-8 cell,3.5 grade embrios transfered, 1 FROZEN!
04 Dec 2009 - BETA - BFN