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Why canít I just be normal?

Posted by Sapphire , 25 January 2010 · 1467 views

I know we've all said it from time to time, but the last couple of days have had me repeating this pointless mantra over and over again. I'm waiting for AF, so I can test to determine whether we are doing another fresh IVF cycle or giving our little lone frostie a chance. The fresh cycle is highly unlikely as my FSH is high (20+) and seems to have been rising over the last 6 months, but hope springs eternal.

And AF is late. Of course Ė that's Murphy's Law as applied to IVF. My cycles are pretty regular and I had a positive OPK on day 12 so I knew when she was due. The first day or two was just annoying and frustrating. By day three I was actually getting excited Ė maybe, just maybe, DH's seriously wonky sperm and my old eggs had actually pulled off a miracle. No pg symptoms (I get sore BBs from the hcg trigger shot so it stands to reason I would get them if I was pg) tempered my enthusiasm, but hope started bubbling up nonetheless.

No POASing because I'm superstitious about them and wouldn't do it while I am away from home and DH anyway. Then I found an old BBT thermometer and decided to give it a whirl. And my temp is low, like pre-O low. I haven't charted since I started IVF almost a year ago, but have old charts from before that to compare.

So, now AF is four days late and I'm 19 days past my predicted ovulation date, with a low temp. What can this mean? Cue a new chapter in the Googlathon. Some of you will be way ahead of me here, but the only explanation is that I didn't ovulate this cycle. So my bubble of hope is well and truly pricked and has turned to a pit of despair. It looks like early menopause (I'm 40) is rushing towards me faster every day.

So what now? Assuming AF turns up at some point, there's our frostie, but it wasn't the best quality going in and the clinic only has a 60% thaw rate, so odds of even getting to a 2ww aren't great. And four embryos transferred over the last year with none implanting says everything about our odds at that part of the process. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it really just feels realistic to me and nothing that has happened on this journey has led me to be anything but brutally realistic.

Acupunture, yoga, wheatgrass and any number of other supplements and lifestyle changes aren't making any impression on the rising FSH, so the chances of being able to do another fresh cycle are low to non-existent. We will go for a second opinion from an RE who specialises in high FSH and low ovarian reserve, but that feels like grasping at straws.

What about donor eggs, I hear you say? Well, we don't have any family or friends who could act as donors and there is a two-year waiting list here in NZ for anonymous donors. DH is keen for us to put our names down but I think he just thinks of it like an insurance policy because he doesn't understand the biology well enough to know just how dire our situation is. I never thought I would get to the point of looking at overseas donor programmes but the distance and cost seems prohibitive from where I sit at the bottom of the world.

So, is this the end of the road? Not quite, but very nearly. A normal person TTC would be jumping out of their skin with excitement for AF to be 4-5 days late, but here I am, stunned and miserable.

Sorry for the pity party, but I really needed to vent for a bit.

Posted ImagePosted Image
Oh, Sapphire. :triadadopt: After a day or two of delusional thinking, I've pretty much resigned myself to my current cycle not working (beta on Friday), and I understand how you feel. One of the reasons I'm here is because of a family history of PMOF, and my family doc freaked out at my levels--and that was when I was 34. :( We have one frostie left, but we're hoping to do another fresh cycle in a few months. But WHY ISN'T IT WORKING? The RE keeps saying they're great embies, so what's with my Teflon uterus?! I hear you about the Googlethon, too. I was up at 2am this morning, googling everything from "recurrent ivf implantation failure" to "pregnant breasts not sore" and "baby names."

I know that nothing any of us can say can make it better. Just know you're not alone.
((Saff)) no wise words - you've heard them all before anyway, just sending hugs and best wishes, whatever lies ahead for you.
NO words really to say...except maybe things can turn around? Maybe the new RE can do something? All of this sucks... so so sorry:(
Jan 25 2010 10:33 PM
I know our situations and diagnoses were very different, however I just wanted to share that we did 9IUIs and transfered a total of 7 perfectly good embryo's before lucky number 8 took. That little frostie just may do the trick. At this point no point dwelling on stats, time to just take it as it'll either work or it won't... 50/50 and all in.

I believe in you and your little frostie more then I believe in any stats you can throw this way.

Thanks all. Your messages mean more than you can know,

I know I'll get back up from this, just like I've got back from all the other shocks and setbacks, but it's feeling a bit grim at the moment. But there is nothing to be done until our frostie has had it's shot - like DB says, it might just be the star we've been waiting for.

Fey - if I'm not allowed to count my frostie out before it's had it's chance, you're not allowed to count yourself out while you're still PUPO. How about we hold hands and go Google cold turkey for a few days?!

Though maybe I'll do one last search for "time machine for tired ovaries".Posted Image
Jan 26 2010 09:30 AM
Jan 26 2010 10:30 AM
Saffy are you on RJ? Royal Jelly that is. Apparently if you google that and high FSH there are some interesting articles about it. Also if you can get it in honey, even better as it absorbs into the body quicker than pills. Just a thought.Prayers and hugs being tossed your way friend.Blessings.

Hey Saffy, can't say anything that will give you any answers..but my thoughts are with you.

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