All roads lead to Victoria...

It has been a very long time since I darkened this doorway. I have been blogging on a more public site, but decided to take that blog away from infertility; it is read by family members and friends who are less familiar with these challenges.

For those who were active here back in 2009, you might remember that we struck gold on our second ivf cycle (after a chromosomal miscarriage on ivf #1) and gave birth to twin boys on March 20, 2010. Alex and Jake are doing great and I absolutely love parenthood.

But for reasons that are difficult to understand to many in our family and perhaps here, both DH and I have felt compelled to try to add to our little family, and have been actively trying for # 3 for almost a year.

I completed my first two cycles in Vancouver, and despite the success, the cycles themselves weren't great - follicle development was always scattered and egg/embryo quality appeared poor. I never had more than a 50% fertilization rate and never made it past a day 2 transfer.

When we were gearing up in November/December 2009 to cycle again, a significant thyroid problem was discovered, delaying cycling until May 2011.

It is so interesting how so many of us blame ourselves entirely for our body's response to cycling. There were many things that happened at my old clinic that contributed to my feelings of relative hopelessness and lack of competence - it felt like no one, save my doctor, had much faith in my ability to conceive. Indeed, the other doctors and nurses often made comments (like being told in my orientation that I would never have any embryos to freeze) that made me wonder if I was completely out-to-lunch and our efforts were hopeless.

Cycles 3 and 4 were both terrible. I was offered the same protocol - with tweaks - that had resulted in the pregnancy with my boys. I tried DHEA to ill effect and minor changes to the estrogen priming with no improvement in the evenness of follicle development. I am not going to rehash those cycles here. I did blog a little about them on my wordpress blog. Those entries are now password protected, but anyone from this site who is interested is welcome to read them, the password is "ivf community".

I was shattered after those to BFNs. We were pushing hard financially to cycle in a time when DH's income was well down and I wasn't working. And yet, despite what seemed to be the absolute agreement amongst the docs and nurses at my old clinic that I was poor responder, I didn't believe that this was the best that my body could do.

After casting around a bit, I had a consultation with Dr. Sher in Las Vegas and one with Dr. Hudson in Victoria. Both came to very similar conclusions about the fundamental error in the protocols I had been treated with to date. Finances combined with the wonderful feeling both DH and I had about Dr. Hudson led us on an unlikely path to cycle again in Victoria.

To say that the clinic is Victoria was a breath of fresh and welcome air is absolute understatement. Dr. Hudson is without question the most thoughtful, thorough and brilliant doctor who has ever been involved in my care for any issue. There has never been a moment when I have been in the care of the Victoria Clinic when I haven't known with absolute certainty that he knew and understood my case, and was constantly monitoring progress to made sure that my chances of a pregnancy were maximized. The staff at Victoria are equally amazing and supportive. In particular, the embryologist is wonderful. I had daily discussions with her and she was so helpful, informative and caring. Certainly not the abrupt call from the lab tech at my old clinic with no explanation or support. What a difference.

The new protocol was incredible. Three years after my first cycle, and I produced the best quality eggs, with equal development, in the largest numbers ever. And I am 42 1/2. The stimulation protocol does matter - a lot - please ladies don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

In December I produced 9 eggs, 8 of which were mature, 6 of which fertilized normally. On day 3 we transferred 3 beautiful embryos that were rated 17/20 or higher. 2 stayed on in culture and on day 5 one was a 16/20 Blast worth freezing. Remember my history; I had never gotten past a day 2 transfer, and had never had more than a 50% fertilization rate.

Unfortunately, the cycle didn't work out. I had positive pregnancy tests in the 2 - 3 days prior to the HCG beta test, but the line was fading and had vanished by beta day. Beta was 7.

Despite the obvious disappointment, this failed cycle in Victoria strangely healed me. It vindicated my belief that I was not being treated appropriately and my sense that my body could do better. Dr. Hudson didn't try to fit me into a pre-established slot of "what protocol was available for women with my diagnosis". He actually read my file, looked at my results, and used his great experience and scientific understanding to treat ME - not the category into which I might have fallen. Dr. Hudson and the wonderful staff at his clinic didn't give me my sought after third baby - at least not last cycle - but they did restore my sense of myself. At every contact, each and every person treated me with the care and respect you would give to a dear friend or loved one. I never doubted that Dr. Hudson and the clinical coordinators and embryologist were as interested in my success as I was. And I never felt alone.

All roads lead to Victoria.

We are on that road again now. I am in the middle of heavy-duty stims and all is looking well. I will likely have retrieval sometime next week. Financial cost, emotional cost, physical cost - these are all significant - but the sense of healing and wholeness that having treatment at this wonderful clinic has left me with is priceless. My only regret is that we didn't take the road to Victoria much, much sooner.