Resisting disengagement...

My natural tendency to obsess about things; paired with my natural tendency to be a naval gazer, brought me to this web-site multiple times each day between February and the beginning of June. But ironically as I embraced the community and participated more, my sense that I didn’t belong intensified as did the belief that I had nothing of value to contribute. I felt that my writings were of no interest to anyone but myself, and my support was uninspired. As my discomfort grew, I began disengaging.

A couple of my thread-mates have commented that I seem to be hard on myself. It is a long standing habit; in my base, reptile mind, if I criticize myself first and hard, I will beat all others who might wish to do so and reduce the sting. This tendency is married somehow to my disengagement; the more self-critical I become, the less I am able to participate.

It seems to me that change in my life has typically happened in one of two ways. In the first, I will be presented with a method or reason to alter my behavior that makes sense. With little resistance, I adopt the new way of being or thinking and implement it.

The other way is more painful. I learn something or experience something that creates discomfort. A closely held idea is challenged. I exist in a setting or in relationships that somehow don’t fit. My values aren’t aligned with the values of those around me. Or I feel I am somehow being inauthentic working to try to fit in. These situations often confuse me. I wonder if I am simply resisting change, and an opportunity to grow, and should stick with it and push through despite the discomfort or whether the discomfort is a sign that I should remove myself from the pain.

Often, in these hard cases I don’t allow myself to experience the discomfort enough to really understand it and to find a real solution. Instead, I do what I have done over the last couple of weeks - I disengage. I run away. I hide under the covers. And, in hiding out, I stay exactly where I am, only with a new layer of self-contempt piled on the old.

I feel, right now, that more than anything the change I need is finally learning to accept myself. As is, where is! Almost 40 and childless! And know that it is okay.

Unfortunately, this self-acceptance is a change of the more difficult variety. Somehow, in my mind’s eye, accepting myself seems like giving up and not trying - it doesn't jive with my sense of what is reasonable and I struggle to accept it as the right course. I want to be the person who tries hard and never says die.

But, the pain cycle is persistent and maybe, just maybe, it is my beliefs about myself that don’t make sense anymore. Maybe change will only be possible when I actually accept and become grounded in the here and now of my reality. I don’t want to keep living such a self-critical life. I want to be able to write in this journal and not judge myself; or edit with a harsh voice. I want to believe that there is intrinsic value in each of us being here; even me! I don’t want to remain bound by a world-view of scarcity – the idea that there is a limited amount of acceptance, love, creativity, happiness and joy to go around.

I need to stay present; I need to be here for my own well-being now even if my contributions are at times minimal. I need to resist the urge to disengage. Participating is in and of itself enough.

Unless I want my future children to be self-critical and fearful, and think that the world is full of limitations, I need to stop sabotaging change leading towards self-acceptance when it beckons me. As their role model, they will learn from my actions, even if my intentions are otherwise. My future children deserve better; but just as importantly, so do I.