Like a Bad Case of Reverse Psychology
We rode out the rest of the year, as if nothing happened, but that primal urge still lingered. It was not over. So by the end of the year the urge took force again. It's been our biggest source of conflict. I had made up up my mind to start to process again. We had no embryos to worry about getting consent from each other to use. We would have to start over again.
I proposed the idea to my partner again and told him it was no pressure, that I just wanted him to know that I would do another cycle with or without his consent, but that it would be good if he would let me use his sperm. My partner did not respond. I told my family that maybe Christmas would be our last together because of our differences. One of my nieces cried.
January arrived and I called the Clinic and filled out the paper work. I scratched out his name but the clinic returned new forms without his name. I signed and returned them and told them I need to purchase sperm.
Meanwhile, my partner and I still acted civil and loving toward each other. We watched late-night movies, entertained friends, laughed and played with each other. Then, unexpectedly, he said to me, I love you very much. I want us to be together. I'll do it for you because I know it means a lot to you.
I cried and hugged him without saying a word.
Later, I felt as though this was a bad case of reverse psychology. I felt guilt. I even questioned doing another cycle because of our wonderful relationship. I started thinking that a baby could ruin what we have. The primal urge did not feel so primal any more.
I'm now thinking if another cycle is the right thing for us. We are happy. We travel together. If there is an emergency at work, we run out together. We do not have to worry about who will watch or care for our child. What happened to me?