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The End of This Cycle: IVF Fauilure Again

Posted by Victoria , 18 May 2017 · 3258 views

Getting this FET cycle started was emotionally the hardest thing I had ever done. My partner had changed his mind after I held on to three precious embryos for five years, while trying to earn more money, saving, and finding a better womb. I found Angel and she seemed perfect and I believed that after so many years, the time had come and everything would have worked out perfectly.
 
But, this cycle was not meant to be. The beta-HCG was inconclusive nine day post five-day transfer. The clinic wanted Angel to continue her meds and do another HCG test. But, I did not want to spend more money. (I paid for each test and time Angel took off work trying to help me. I had taken out insurance for her for this cycle, but was advised by a lawyer to wait until she became pregnant, so I cancelled the insurance.) 
 
The embryos, I was sure, were not or are still alive trying to find a place to survive. Every one who had ever done IVF knew there was no miracle after a negative HCG 9dp5dt. I had lived it too many times.
 
Angel tried to figure out what went wrong why she was not pregnant. But I told her we would never know the reason why. Maybe they were not strong enough to survive implantation.  Maybe they did not want my partner and I to be their parents. Maybe...
---------------
I have moved on already. I am reading the book, The Shack and I'm not sure what I will do next. So, in the meantime, I'll read a lot (some deep spiritual and soul filling books) and I'll think a lot, and I'll try my best not to cry. Maybe "this is it." Maybe the right time will come. And, as with everything in my life, I always have a back-up plan, just in case I decide to take this path again. 
 
Thank you to the IVF.ca community for your support and a place to express myself.






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want2babies
May 18 2017 02:55 PM

I am really sorry. :( 

*hugs*

    • Victoria likes this
I m really sorry. I was praying for you to have good news. Hugs to you and angel.
    • Victoria likes this

I am so very sorry to hear this news.  There aren't any words but please know you're being thought of and prayed for.

    • Victoria and s00n like this
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amazing grace
May 23 2017 02:13 PM

DON'T LOOSE HOPE!

    • Victoria likes this

Oh goodness. The Shack is a story about child loss too. Might not be the best one to read right now?

 

Major trigger warning. I will not spoil it beyond that.

 

My kindest thoughts to you. There is nothing in the universe saying that these embryos didn't want you as their parents. I promise you that. I don't think that embryos have the spark of life in them until they come to life as an implanted embryo. We're all different in our thoughts, but please don't think that one.

 

The universe is not kind or cruel, just unfortunately indifferent.

    • Victoria, amp77 and Hoping&Praying like this

Thanks, s00n, for your message or words of true wisdom. I've already read the book, but it helped me to dig deeper into my soul and to understand my life (needs and wants) more. I'm not even as bitter as I thought I would be about the unsuccessful cycle. The deep pain is thinking about the cost of another cycle--if I try again. 

I am very sorry things turned out this way. Wishing you better days ahead.

    • Victoria likes this
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Edna J. Curry
Sep 10 2017 02:26 AM

It is God's plan and desire that each child is born according to His plan for us. But due to biological inability to reproduce and experience being childless made  a woman completely shattered. It is very difficult to accept the reality. It is okay to cry, i love it that you are feeding yourself with positive energy you  are going to come out victorious when time comes.

    • Victoria likes this

Don't lose hope.....

    • Victoria likes this

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