The End of This Cycle: IVF Fauilure Again

Getting this FET cycle started was emotionally the hardest thing I had ever done. My partner had changed his mind after I held on to three precious embryos for five years, while trying to earn more money, saving, and finding a better womb. I found Angel and she seemed perfect and I believed that after so many years, the time had come and everything would have worked out perfectly.
 
But, this cycle was not meant to be. The beta-HCG was inconclusive nine day post five-day transfer. The clinic wanted Angel to continue her meds and do another HCG test. But, I did not want to spend more money. (I paid for each test and time Angel took off work trying to help me. I had taken out insurance for her for this cycle, but was advised by a lawyer to wait until she became pregnant, so I cancelled the insurance.) 
 
The embryos, I was sure, were not or are still alive trying to find a place to survive. Every one who had ever done IVF knew there was no miracle after a negative HCG 9dp5dt. I had lived it too many times.
 
Angel tried to figure out what went wrong why she was not pregnant. But I told her we would never know the reason why. Maybe they were not strong enough to survive implantation.  Maybe they did not want my partner and I to be their parents. Maybe...
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I have moved on already. I am reading the book, The Shack and I'm not sure what I will do next. So, in the meantime, I'll read a lot (some deep spiritual and soul filling books) and I'll think a lot, and I'll try my best not to cry. Maybe "this is it." Maybe the right time will come. And, as with everything in my life, I always have a back-up plan, just in case I decide to take this path again. 
 
Thank you to the IVF.ca community for your support and a place to express myself.