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Lose, Lose Situation

Posted by Victoria , 08 February 2017 · 1721 views

I read the recent responses from amp77 and want2babies and I was mortified by my reaction. I thought my tears were gone. I thought I was a stone to all that was happening on my journey to enlist the help of a surrogate I call Angel. But I cried. The pain to complete this journey grew stronger. The possibility of losing the partner I love to trade with a "possible" new love overwhelmed me. I cried more than I should.
I had just finished watching the movie "La La Land." Like my fertility journey, I thought it would be quick, easy fun and something completed years ago. La La Land started with a musical and people were dancing and having fun. The two main characters were launching out to fulfil their dreams: one as a jazz musician and the other as an actress. Soon, they realize their dreams were not so easy to accomplish, like my dreams to conceive via IVF. After a few attempts, hope dissipates to despair in La La Land and for me in IVF Land.
The two main characters had hopes and dreams that brought them pain. After watching the movie, I was sad the whole night, especially knowing that I had to face the fact of the possibilities. If I proceed with the surrogacy, I could fulfil my primal need, but I could lose a lot (friends, career growth, a childhood friend who is now my partner) if my marriage dissolves?

i have been following your updates for some time now. you really have me worried. please go and see a specialist. they will not give you the answers but they will guide you to answer them yourself! i hope you will find your way whatever this is. Good luck and you can always discuss whatever is bothering you here since we are all on similar paths!

    • Victoria and amp77 like this

Victoria - I have been following your journey through your blogs and am really sorry to have been a trigger for more tears when I know that you have had enough by now.  It is easy for us, as outsiders, to see a bigger picture or different picture.  You are hurting and focused on your end goal, which is being a mom.  I believe from previous blogs, you have gone to therapy with your husband and it may be time to circle back with them again.  Your husband needs to be open with you and, I think, an external party, and try to get true clarity on what he wants and needs.  Maybe he doesn't even know at this point.  When he says he wants a baby, does he genuinely want a baby, or is he just trying to be a good partner and say what will make you happy?  When he says that maybe it wasn't meant to be, is that his way of trying to get out of the process or is he trying to protect his feelings or yours?  His reactions could be interpreted so many ways and I think it is in everyone's best interest to really understand the truth, even if it might hurt.  And, maybe it won't.  Maybe he is just sad to see you hurting and trying to protect you from more heartache.  It's nothing I can say or tell from your posts, but definitely important to pursue before proceeding.  Sending you huge hugs and hoping that you find clarity and light on your journey.

    • Victoria and annatarz79 like this
Feb 09 2017 01:27 PM

so many hugs going your way. I understand your situation a bit better now after reading this post. it's impossible to choose between a dream of a child and a partner you love. I can see whatever you choose, you have a lot to lose. Is it possible to have a 3rd way though: to get your husband on board and to have both? I am guessing you must have tried to communicate with him and it didn't work out too well? do you know what exactly he is uncomfortable with? Is it a child that he doesn't want? or is it the idea of surrogacy? can anything be done to make him more comfortable? for example, if he can be involved in choosing a surrogate, will it help him to feel somewhat in control and WANT to go ahead with this? I think the only way to have both is to get him on board. and hopefully it's not just your decision, it's the decision made by both of you. Tell him if you two can't get on the same page, this may mean the end of your marriage. Tell him you love him and don't want to lose him. Tell him you want a child with him, not at the cost of him. Tell him everything, he probably will want to work this out with you. but I know sometimes it's really hard to get a way through to people and hard to communicate. I hope you and your husband will have lots of heart-to-heart conversations and figure out a path that both of you are happy with. sorry I am being brunt and hopefully you don't find it offensive. 


    • Victoria likes this

Sending kind thoughts to you - this journey is hard and I am certain you've had more than your share of tears.

Best of luck with you and your husband. I remember my husband couldn't get excited about anything - to protect himself and me. He only gets excited once it happens. It's something that is so different - women seem to be able to entertain a lot of possibilities. Men seem to want to be happy with where they are. Or at least understand where they are. :P

    • Victoria likes this

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