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...and still trying

Posted by Sweet_Insanity , 31 January 2016 · 2832 views

Alright, I admit it. I fell hard with my second fresh IVF cycle.


2015 was not my year.


Back in December a week before Christmas, I get the news that I am pregnant but the number is too low and the pregnancy was a loss.


I pushed everyone away. I was angry. I was sad.


I stopped getting online. I stopped going anywhere.


Quit eating healthy. Gained 10lbs.


Shaved part of my head.


Yeah it felt freeing and it looks pretty good.


I still haven't hung out with friends.


There is still people I am avoiding because I don't want to start that conversation. I just know it will be the first thing they ask.


Or the friends that just had a baby, I am so happy for them. But it still comes to, why do I try so hard and it's soooooo easy for them?


Couple weeks ago a friend was looking for a sitter and sent a message.


"Want a baby for the night?"


I read it cried and thought no I want one for life.


I never did reply.


She knows what I am going through so I hope she understands but if she doesn't she can be grateful for the 7 kids she has and live life without missing out.


1st FET cycle was tried with one embaby, transferred on the 20th this month.


Now fast forward to yesterday.


Phone call: I'm sorry to tell you that, you're pregnancy test was negative.


I didn't cry, I haven't yet. I know I will. There will be a moment that it just hits. And I will cry.


It was awkward because I received the call with my sister in the room.


She hung around like I was gonna talk about with her.


I quit talking with her about it after the last failed cycle and I didn't receive any support from her.


Why would I talk to her about it now, when I didn't tell her we were doing a FET cycle and now found out it failed.


Grrrr I was so mad she stayed.


She could not take the hint that we wanted to be alone. To grieve.


So 4 hours later she leaves and my son comes home.


No time to grieve.


My son makes me happy.


He is the happiest kid. He looks at the bright side of everything.


But I want him to have a brother or sister.


I know he wants one too.


For Christmas the past 5 years it's been on the top of his Christmas list.


It makes me cry everytime.


If only Santa could make it happen.


I feel my thoughts are not coming out so smoothly so I will get to it.


We have decided to go again.


Right away, as soon as AF gets here.


We have 2 frosties and we are planning to transfer both.


I know the doctor won't like it "because I'm young" and should only transfer 1 and because transferring 2 riskier if they both take.


But we have thought it through. It's what we want.


After 2 failed fresh transfers and 1 failed FET.


We want to do what we want with a little more knowledge then we did when we started.


So we haven't given up.


We are still moving forward.


Seeking more and still trying.

  • Yearning, Hoping&Praying, Annababy and 1 other like this

amazing grace
Jan 31 2016 08:32 PM

This twisting, winding, bumpy, long, unforseen road has left many of us bruised and exhausted! Believe me, I know how you feel because after I had to terminate my pregnancy at 4 months, it left me broken and beyond sad. Keep at it, you have the strength and the determination and I wish you the best of luck. Thank you for giving me the little push I need. Most of all, I am so sorry for all the hurt, frustration, anger and sadness that you have/are feelig.With your strength, anything is possible, don't give up. xoxo

I have had many similar feelings myself the last year. It is a terrible rollercoaster to be on. We had done 3 IVFs with no success and on the 4th it took! unfortunately my number was also not doubling as it should and we miscarried. Moving on now to do our first FET and we also decided to do 2 which is also not going to be liked by our Dr as we are also super young. They don't understand just as much as our friends don't. I still have a friend who says "are you sure you want a kid?" as I am playing with her 2 1/2 yr old or has also said you can just take her for a weekend. 

   Just know you aren't alone and these types of forums are truly one of the only places where people get it. Good luck on your next cycle!

Edna J. Curry
Sep 10 2017 03:00 AM

I totally understand, I also have many days in which I have couldnt help but cry after remember the words of the doctor when telling about my situation. I couldnt help but think my body was failing me or that my own body was against  me and my wish to have a baby. I have the luck of having a good man for  a husband who had been with me even during many hard times and not once yelled at me nor treat me badly even when there had been moments when I kind of deserved a good slap for all the mean things I told him in the heat of the moment when depressed. I have also shut people out of my life but all i can say is that it is always okay to cry and let it out.

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