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Stop judging

Posted by Sweet_Insanity , 24 November 2015 · 1720 views

I wanted 4 kids.

When I met my husband we agreed we wanted a big family.

Now after nearly 9 years of struggling we are starting to agree to maybe one more.

Or two.

But is that bad?

We do have a wonderful son who will be 9 in less than 2 weeks.

Should all my attention be on him or is it okay for me to take all this time and money to TRY for another?

I know this is a very personal choice and everyone has their own opinion about it but I feel judged.

Judgement by family, friends, and others who have found out what it is we are doing.

I feel like I'm pulling and pushing myself away from everyone and becoming very antisocial. Mostly because it comes up and then things get awkward. They try to give advice, (just stop) or I try to explain some of the details and slowly watch their eyes glaze over.

Why did I ever tell anyone about this?

Then they want to tell me how to save, where to shop, what I should buy. Or just stop spending money. Yes, I know I am broke, but I still have to live. Everyone has their own priorities so stick it.

No one has the right to tell you how to live.

Grrr, sorry I get a little worked up about this.

If I should, so what. If I shouldn't, so what? They are my choices.

If you should, so what. If you shouldn't, so what. They are your choices.

All I'm saying is, I want you to know that, where ever you are in life, I'm not judging you.

Seek more by judging less!

gibasgirl, Yearning, Red Wine and 1 other like this

gibasgirl

Nov 27 2015 01:14 PM

That was very well said, Sweet Insanity.

I think that people forget that we are motivated by love and a very fundamental human need.

The judgement is worse the less informed a person is about infertility. That how it feels to me. (A lot of the times, but not always.)

The judgment and "advice" make me withdraw, too, because I prefer silence to judgement, or ignorant comments.

Great post.

All the best to you.

- Yearning, Red Wine and Sweet_Insanity like this

impatient

Nov 30 2015 12:29 PM

My husband said to me the other day, "Do you ever feel like our life is weird?"

What he meant was that no one else in the world can completely understand our life. People may connect with us over one aspect, ie. infertility, adoption, transracial family, child with a 'disability', but it is very rare that we meet someone who completely understands every aspect.

That doesn't stop them from giving advice though!

I used to take it to heart, but have long stopped caring. I love my family and my sometimes crazy life, and what other people say or think is not relevant. Unless they have worn the exact shape and size of shoes that I do, they won't and can't 'get it'.

So, yes, I agree with your post.

- gibasgirl, Red Wine and Sweet_Insanity like this

Firefly

Dec 06 2015 05:30 PM

We want two. Still trying for the first and I've had friends say "oh... really?" when I express that my desire for two has not diminished after all the years and treatments. Why should working harder for something mean that I come out wanting it less? It's really not up to them Sweet Insanity. Best of luck to you, I hope that you complete your family in whatever way works for your family.

- gibasgirl, Red Wine and Sweet_Insanity like this

MichalekTereza1976

Jan 18 2016 04:00 AM

Hello Sweet_Insanity!

Never listen to anyone! I think It's wonderful to have a big family. I had to go through the surrogacy program to have my only son. And can't think about anything better than be a mother. I will try for the second one, and hope God and a good medicine will send us a child. I think It's good when children have brothers or sisters, they are not so lonely in the world.

I wish you and your family all the best!

- Sweet_Insanity likes this

Cassandra_Angela

Jan 29 2016 02:06 PM

I deal with this topic all the time. My husband is the youngest of 10 and I am one of 6 kids so for us we always knew that we wanted a big family. When we met I had a son and after the loss of our first pregnancy I knew that wouldnt stop us from having the family that we wanted. Over the years we have continued with IVF and were blessed with one son after many years of treatment, we adopted once and on two occasions a decade apart we were asked by a family aquantance to take her children when they were removed from her care. We now are the parents of five boys ranging in age from 6-19 and we are STILL persuing another biological child together. I get opinions constantly, dont I know when enough is enough, how long am I willing to put myself through this, isnt there anything better that I could be doing with the money, am I crazy, dont I know how many vacations I could have taken or how big my house could be if I wasnt wasting all my money on IVF.

I used to let it bother me, I dont anymore, how we live our lives is our business. We made this plan for our lives and I am not going to let infertility rob us of that.