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Who (if anyone) did you decided to tell?


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#1 hbbg

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Posted 11 March 2017 - 07:19 PM

While undergoing IVF/IUI, who, if anyone, did you decide to tell that you were doing it? This will be our third IVF. Our first one we told family and it was negative, the second we didn't tell and we were lucky and fortunate enough for it to have been successful. Six years later we are trying again.

 

I have told my best friend, but that is it. We are 2.5 hours away from the clinic we will be going to. So it's a lot for appointments and cycle monitoring etc, so I might need to say what's going on as we will need to arrange childcare etc. 

 

I just hated when it was negative having to explain it to people who were waiting to know. But I know support is good too.

 

So I was just curious, who chose to share their journey, with whom did you share (e.g. family, friends, etc) or who chose to keep it just to themselves?

 

Holly


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#2 quandry

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Posted 11 March 2017 - 07:50 PM

Honestly, our family is crap at support, so we told no one after the first time.  It just wasn't worth it.  At all.  But if your family is better, and you feel comfortable sharing, then you should...  as long as they would respect your wishes on what support would look like in the case of a negative or an early loss.  

 

Good luck!


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#3 Elizabeth22

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Posted 12 March 2017 - 07:51 PM

I told people at the beginning and then quickly regretted telling anyone. Once you tell, you have zero control of the information.
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#4 ENF

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 02:46 AM

I freely told people about my IVF cycle and subsequent FET. I'm a nurse and it was hard to explain why I all of a sudden I couldn't lift more than 10lbs or do CPR. I felt it was just easier to be honest about the process I was going through, instead of finding a way to hide it. Most people had a lot of questions and I was happy to answer. Some people made ignorant yet sweet comments of encouragement.

 

I'm about to do another FET and I've been pretty honest with my close friends and immediate family. I'm not as vocal about it at work this time, I don't know why. I plan on taking a month or two off so there won't be an opportunity for me to discuss it with co-workers.

 

I do get asked on a fairly regular basis when I'm going to "try again". I typically reply vaguely and say "sometime this spring".


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#5 hbbg

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 01:13 PM

I think I'd prefer not to share, but with all the appointments and having to travel far for them, I might need to.
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#6 Harlo17

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 03:59 PM

I am a pretty private person. Also the whole journey made me pretty upset and unstable. For a long time I couldn't talk about it without getting upset so I didn't tell many people because I just didn't want them to bring it up.

 

I told my mom before I started my first IUI. I told my best friend when I started IVF. I told my mother in law on my 3rd IVF cycle because I felt I needed to explain why there were no children yet. I haven't told anyone else about it. Few people know we have even struggled.

 

Even now that my journey is in a new place and I am expecting my first baby in a few weeks time, I still don't like talking to people about it to be honest. I will open up to people I know are in the same situation as me but I don't broadcast. I find comfort in talking to people on these forums because I know you can relate.

 

My husband always thought it would be better for me if I was more open about it. He felt the support for me would have been good. I do wish I could be open with people though. If you find comfort in sharing your story I think that's great. If you don't I understand.


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#7 Kayte

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 04:16 PM

My advice (reflecting on many years in this journey) is to tell as few people as you can. What may feel right and required now, can take a turn if unfortunately the journey does not resolve in the time you are hoping for. Initially I felt my boss was sympathetic and most friends empathetic (and shocked by what the next steps for us would actually entail.) But fast-forward in time and people in the workplace and whose lives had carried on as usual, didn't have the same patience and "tolerance" for my circumstances, stress and struggles.

 

I'm no longer in the same job. Legally I could not be fired for my infertility, but my job description and treatment in the workplace suffered to the point of mental duress. Clearly this was the last thing I needed.

 

What is critical is support. It's important to have people to talk to and help you with the mental and emotional side of your health. Once I knew what IVF was all about, I felt better able to go through the steps and actually found comfort in my business not being everyone else's business. I definitely prefer not to say a word to family anymore. This isn't so hard as we have withdrawn from family by choice as a result of their choices and lack of support through this. In terms of work, in my last IVF attempts (in my newer workplace) I just got my doctor to write me off on medical leave. Since we too commute for cycling and procedures, and the clinic could speak to their distance away and the unpredictability and frequency of my absences, and since my benefits package covers a medical leave, I just said to heck with it and disappeared for awhile. I sent out an email saying not to worry, that I was having minor surgery, some pre- and post- followups, and would look forward to seeing everyone when I was back.  I had one friend I would tell. This was the best way I'd ever handled treatment.

 

I agree with Elizabeth, I hated having no control over the judgments and assumptions others made about my health and family. It's like social media - once you've made a statement, it doesn't belong to you, can become distorted, used against you or later come back to haunt you or your future children. This becomes their privacy and history, too. Then when I'd tell some friends but not others, and if mutual friends and colleagues confronted them, it was really hard to maintain my privacy. I am someone who tries so hard to be a great friend and never speak out of turn when it comes to honouring privacy, so being unexpectedly upset or hearing rumours about me would really catch me off guard. As time passed, I realized everyone else was pretty busy anyway, ironically raising their own families and working... gone were the days of frequent social engagements and knowing what people were doing at all times. Really it just was a work issue. And also, if you don't tell, you don't have to deal with processing how others react, or don't.

 

My fingers are crossed for you and that you don't have to contemplate this for too much longer smile.png


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#8 hbbg

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Posted 14 March 2017 - 10:38 AM

Thanks everyone! I think for now I'll keep it to myself. I love my family, but sometimes just the asking etc can be stressful. I understand both telling and not though! 


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#9 Waiting4

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 09:39 PM

The first time we did it over 3 years ago we were super secretive. We only told our parents when it got time to ivf (didn't tell them about iui). Only a few others knew about the ivf because they had been through it and i needed advice. 3 years later I don't care who knows. It's not going to change the outcome and the stress of keeping it all secret and trying to juggle hormones, early morning monitoring, parenting, working full time etc just felt right to tell people if I need to. I don't tell everyone I know or work with but if I feel like sharing -I do. That has helped to make it less stressful this time around (that and this is an OHIP funded cycle).