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Who (if anyone) did you decided to tell?


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#1 hbbg

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Posted 11 March 2017 - 07:19 PM

While undergoing IVF/IUI, who, if anyone, did you decide to tell that you were doing it? This will be our third IVF. Our first one we told family and it was negative, the second we didn't tell and we were lucky and fortunate enough for it to have been successful. Six years later we are trying again.

 

I have told my best friend, but that is it. We are 2.5 hours away from the clinic we will be going to. So it's a lot for appointments and cycle monitoring etc, so I might need to say what's going on as we will need to arrange childcare etc. 

 

I just hated when it was negative having to explain it to people who were waiting to know. But I know support is good too.

 

So I was just curious, who chose to share their journey, with whom did you share (e.g. family, friends, etc) or who chose to keep it just to themselves?

 

Holly


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#2 quandry

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Posted 11 March 2017 - 07:50 PM

Honestly, our family is crap at support, so we told no one after the first time.  It just wasn't worth it.  At all.  But if your family is better, and you feel comfortable sharing, then you should...  as long as they would respect your wishes on what support would look like in the case of a negative or an early loss.  

 

Good luck!


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#3 Elizabeth22

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Posted 12 March 2017 - 07:51 PM

I told people at the beginning and then quickly regretted telling anyone. Once you tell, you have zero control of the information.
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#4 ENF

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 02:46 AM

I freely told people about my IVF cycle and subsequent FET. I'm a nurse and it was hard to explain why I all of a sudden I couldn't lift more than 10lbs or do CPR. I felt it was just easier to be honest about the process I was going through, instead of finding a way to hide it. Most people had a lot of questions and I was happy to answer. Some people made ignorant yet sweet comments of encouragement.

 

I'm about to do another FET and I've been pretty honest with my close friends and immediate family. I'm not as vocal about it at work this time, I don't know why. I plan on taking a month or two off so there won't be an opportunity for me to discuss it with co-workers.

 

I do get asked on a fairly regular basis when I'm going to "try again". I typically reply vaguely and say "sometime this spring".


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#5 hbbg

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 01:13 PM

I think I'd prefer not to share, but with all the appointments and having to travel far for them, I might need to.
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#6 Harlo17

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 03:59 PM

I am a pretty private person. Also the whole journey made me pretty upset and unstable. For a long time I couldn't talk about it without getting upset so I didn't tell many people because I just didn't want them to bring it up.

 

I told my mom before I started my first IUI. I told my best friend when I started IVF. I told my mother in law on my 3rd IVF cycle because I felt I needed to explain why there were no children yet. I haven't told anyone else about it. Few people know we have even struggled.

 

Even now that my journey is in a new place and I am expecting my first baby in a few weeks time, I still don't like talking to people about it to be honest. I will open up to people I know are in the same situation as me but I don't broadcast. I find comfort in talking to people on these forums because I know you can relate.

 

My husband always thought it would be better for me if I was more open about it. He felt the support for me would have been good. I do wish I could be open with people though. If you find comfort in sharing your story I think that's great. If you don't I understand.


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#7 Kayte

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 04:16 PM

My advice (reflecting on many years in this journey) is to tell as few people as you can. What may feel right and required now, can take a turn if unfortunately the journey does not resolve in the time you are hoping for. Initially I felt my boss was sympathetic and most friends empathetic (and shocked by what the next steps for us would actually entail.) But fast-forward in time and people in the workplace and whose lives had carried on as usual, didn't have the same patience and "tolerance" for my circumstances, stress and struggles.

 

I'm no longer in the same job. Legally I could not be fired for my infertility, but my job description and treatment in the workplace suffered to the point of mental duress. Clearly this was the last thing I needed.

 

What is critical is support. It's important to have people to talk to and help you with the mental and emotional side of your health. Once I knew what IVF was all about, I felt better able to go through the steps and actually found comfort in my business not being everyone else's business. I definitely prefer not to say a word to family anymore. This isn't so hard as we have withdrawn from family by choice as a result of their choices and lack of support through this. In terms of work, in my last IVF attempts (in my newer workplace) I just got my doctor to write me off on medical leave. Since we too commute for cycling and procedures, and the clinic could speak to their distance away and the unpredictability and frequency of my absences, and since my benefits package covers a medical leave, I just said to heck with it and disappeared for awhile. I sent out an email saying not to worry, that I was having minor surgery, some pre- and post- followups, and would look forward to seeing everyone when I was back.  I had one friend I would tell. This was the best way I'd ever handled treatment.

 

I agree with Elizabeth, I hated having no control over the judgments and assumptions others made about my health and family. It's like social media - once you've made a statement, it doesn't belong to you, can become distorted, used against you or later come back to haunt you or your future children. This becomes their privacy and history, too. Then when I'd tell some friends but not others, and if mutual friends and colleagues confronted them, it was really hard to maintain my privacy. I am someone who tries so hard to be a great friend and never speak out of turn when it comes to honouring privacy, so being unexpectedly upset or hearing rumours about me would really catch me off guard. As time passed, I realized everyone else was pretty busy anyway, ironically raising their own families and working... gone were the days of frequent social engagements and knowing what people were doing at all times. Really it just was a work issue. And also, if you don't tell, you don't have to deal with processing how others react, or don't.

 

My fingers are crossed for you and that you don't have to contemplate this for too much longer smile.png


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#8 hbbg

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Posted 14 March 2017 - 10:38 AM

Thanks everyone! I think for now I'll keep it to myself. I love my family, but sometimes just the asking etc can be stressful. I understand both telling and not though! 


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#9 Waiting4

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 09:39 PM

The first time we did it over 3 years ago we were super secretive. We only told our parents when it got time to ivf (didn't tell them about iui). Only a few others knew about the ivf because they had been through it and i needed advice. 3 years later I don't care who knows. It's not going to change the outcome and the stress of keeping it all secret and trying to juggle hormones, early morning monitoring, parenting, working full time etc just felt right to tell people if I need to. I don't tell everyone I know or work with but if I feel like sharing -I do. That has helped to make it less stressful this time around (that and this is an OHIP funded cycle).

#10 LifeUnpaged

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Posted 17 April 2017 - 08:31 PM

Everyone in our lives has been in on it and up to date up until now. When we knew when transfer was going to happen we started saying we were doing testing, then said we were delayed a month. We think it will be fin to surprise them with the pregnancy announcement if it works.


Undergoing IVF with PGD to prevent passing on Neurofibromatosis Type 1

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  • ??/??/10 -  I am diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis Type 1, we discover I have a 50% chance of passing it on. Upon learning more about the   disorder we decide IVF with PGD would be our route to have kids in order to prevent passing it on. We consult with Dr. Haebe at  OFC to learn more, but aren't yet ready to start. We make a plan to save up.
  • 06/02/12 - Our Wedding Day!
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#11 hbbg

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 04:37 PM

We told our oldest daughter (she's almost 13) and my best friend. I guess I just find it stressful to tell my mom. I don't remember what it was like last time, but I know we told her the first IVF and not the second. She's well intentioned but I find frequently being asked etc stressful. I'm still debating on if we will tell anyone else. My dh doesn't care but says not to tell my mom. So does my daughter lol
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#12 Stellabella28

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Posted 02 May 2017 - 12:17 AM

In the beginning I kept it all in. It literally ate me alive. I started to openly talk about it and in doing so I found alot of people that had or were going through infertility themselves. We offered support and encouragement to one another. After 4 years TTC we finally got approved for IVF and everyone know...except our family. All my co-workers know and one has done IVF herself..everyone is super helpful and understanding for covering my shifts (I work in daycare so I need coverage)...and I actually enjoy educating people about infertility and the process..and people always ask questions and are curious.so I am very glad with my decision to be open..but with that being said!!! My retrieval is this week...and now I'm going to lie to people if I become pregnant lol...I gotta make up some good story..I'm a horrible liar! 😏

#13 Bay

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Posted 02 May 2017 - 10:49 PM

(Hbbg) Do what makes YOU comfortable. My first ivf ended up in miscarriage... I told both sets of parents, siblings, and a close group of friends. Even though it was sad to tell them it didn't work out, it was nice to have people to talk to when I needed it. My mom told me today not to tell anyone next time. I'm not sure if that includes her. Lol. Everyone deals differently...my husband didn't tell his friends, but he's not one to talk about his feelings. I would suggest telling one person outside of the immediate family who you can trust and break down in front of, if you need it. Someone who will support and encourage you! Personally I think it's different talking to my husband vs my sibling. Good luck!

#14 treasuretroll

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Posted 03 May 2017 - 12:36 PM

My husband and I agreed in the beginning to tell no one. Both of our families and our circle of friends can't keep a secret if their lives depended on it. My brother and sister in law went through the process publicly and all eyes were on them. The questions, the gossip, the pity. That is what I am avoiding!

It was about a year ago I started to lose it mentally. The whole process and negative result after negative result was taking a toll on me. As much as I love my husband, I needed to talk to someone other than him. I confided in a new friend at work who instantly became my best friend and 'sister'. I felt the immediate love and trust with her and she has been such a tremendous rock for me. I tell her constantly I would be so lost without her in my life now. I love our sisterhood we've created and my husband is so thankful her and I found each other. She keeps my mind at ease when it starts going nutty!

My husband also told his boss for when he has to randomly take days off work for our IVF process this month. Him and his wife are pretty cool and understanding.

I know everyone's experience with this is different, but after agreeing to tell no one, I can't imagine not telling my 'sister'! I found myself much happier after doing so.



#15 hbbg

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Posted 03 May 2017 - 06:11 PM

Thanks everyone! I did tell my oldest daughter and my best friend. I'm not sure why I don't want to share. I'm not embarrassed or anything, and I'm not one to shy away from oversharing. I think it's mostly my mom. We talk daily etc and have a good relationship, but I think she'd text about it too much or ask too many questions and I think I might get stressed. I know I told her the first time we did it but not the second. I have no idea why I'm stressing out over it this time lol. But I still am. Kinda dumb I know. 


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#16 Mrs.V

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Posted 05 May 2017 - 10:37 AM

I'm a very private person. When we started the whole trying process, we told no one.

I knew of one person who went through fertility treatments and I told that one person. It was only the three of us that knew for awhile.

However, once my husband moved to another province, I started to tell my parents, his parents and a select few friends. I needed the support and have someone attend the appointments with me. 

 

I still think the fewer the people that knows the better because everytime I see/talk to the people who knows, they always ask "how I am?", "Do I know more information?", etc...I don't want all my conversations with people to only be about IVF, fertility, etc. 


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#17 Wriggler

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Posted 07 May 2017 - 04:09 PM

One good friend knows. 

 

Tell as many as you personally feel comfortable sharing with x



#18 hbbg

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Posted 08 May 2017 - 04:09 PM

I told two more friends and my mom. And I feel better. Lighter. Like keeping things and trying to figure out things in secret was a weight. So I guess for me, sharing has felt better now :)


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#19 Mimi55

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 10:26 AM

I told a few people including my parents and my sisters but I think a big part of it is how much you choose to share My brother and sister in law went through it as well so I'm VERY open with them about all the details whereas I water it down for other people for e.g. "We are being monitored and will come up with a plan soon". I am a pretty private person and it stresses me out to over share but I think it is important to have a few close people to confide in. I work in a small office and did not open up to anyone at work until last week. I needed to tell my boss because I was coming to work late too often and taking days off here and there and I knew he was wondering what was up. We had an open discussion and I actually felt really good afterwards. He also assured me it would be kept in confidence. Do whatever feels right for you!

#20 Mimi55

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 10:27 AM

I also agree that this forum is a great way to open up without feeling any associated anxiety/judgement.

#21 hopefuldadsomeday

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 11:28 AM

We've decided not to tell any of our family members/friends, which makes it kind of awkward at family gatherings, as everybody else has kids.  People are constantly asking us "so when are you having kids?".  This forum is my support network :)


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#22 megkin

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Posted 20 June 2017 - 02:19 PM

I told my mom (more like blurted it out during an argument), my best friend, and 2 other close friends.  I'm glad my mom knows, because she can guide the conversations away from babies at family gatherings, but my mom is not one to ask a lot of questions.  She just waits for me to open up to her and then is supportive.   Only person I regret telling is my (former?) best friend.  Rather than being supportive, she ignored me for the first little while, and then about a week later, she sent me a text saying "how's the baby thing coming along".  3 months later she accidentally got pregnant herself (and smoked weed for 3 weeks before she was smart enough to take a pregnancy test).  

 

The two close friends I have told have been incredible - checking in, offering to come to appointments, pouring me wine when I get my period for another month, and even sending articles and you tube videos to me to tell me I am not alone.  I think my other friends have an idea that we are struggling, but have been polite enough to keep their mouths shut around me.  

 

My husband has told no one, and is not comfortable talking about it with anyone.  If I knew another guy going through the same thing, I would encourage him to open up, but he would never bring up the conversation on his own.  Guys are different I suppose.  


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