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When do you give up?

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#1 tracykra

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Posted 07 March 2017 - 08:23 PM

I just received news that I have a chemical pregnancy. After 5 years of ttc, my husband and I are financially and emotionally exhausted.
I am 35 and my husband is 54. He hasthree children from a previous marriage and a vasectomy. We tried IVF for the first time in 2012. We did 1 fresh transfer and 3 FETs- all ending in with bfns. He had a reversal surgery in 2014 which was unsuccessful. In 2016, we did another IVF. Once again we did a fresh transfer and 3 FETs throughout the year and all were bfns. January of this year we were ready to try IUI with a sperm donor as our money had run out for another IVF cycle. Our clinic called and told us there was a funded IVF cycle if we wanted to do it before March 31st. We jumped on that and began or 3rd IVF cycle in February. I got a bfp last week and my first beta was low but we were hopeful. Today I found out it is a chemical because my hormone levels have dropped. We have 3 frosties we can use for FETs but I just feel so defeated. I feel like this is never going to work and the idea of going through this 2 or 3 more times makes me feel sick. I want a child so badly though so I don't know what my options are. I'm not sure what i am asking for in response but I just wanted to vent my frustrations to people who might understand.

#2 nervus optimist

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Posted 07 March 2017 - 08:55 PM

I'm so sorry. One thing that you are right about is that we do understand. This site is a wonderful place filled with people with hardships both similar and different to your own, and at the end of the day we all have to ask ourselves if we keep going, or if we stop. For my husband and I the answer was to take several lengthy breaks. In the end it took us 8 years to become parents. And we literally tried everything. The best advice I ever got was to never make big decisions at the same time as coping with big emotions. Today is a horrible day for you. I know because I've been there far too many times before. Give yourself as much time to heal as you need. And then ask yourself the question again and perhaps you will have more clarity then.


Thinking of you


  • s00n likes this

I am 37, DH - 38
Genetic - IVF&PGD to prevent Genetic Disorder
IVF #1 - Nov/08 - MC @ 6 weeks, no embryos frozen
IVF #2 - Aug/09 - bfn
IUI #1 - Feb/10 - ectopic
PRIDE - Apr/10
Homestudy - July/10
Given the gift of donor embryos - Jan/12
Donor FET Jun/12 - 9 weeks - no heartbeat... MC
Donor FET Oct/12 - we're PG biggrin.png

===> Beautiful baby boy born 2013 babyboy.gif

Donor FET Oct/16 - chemical

#3 tracykra

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Posted 07 March 2017 - 09:05 PM

Thanks Nervus Optimist. That is good advice. I will try to take it. It is nice to know others have been there.

#4 returnable

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 06:50 AM

I'm so sorry about your journey thus far. I'm not sure I can give you any advice of when it is time to give up, but for us we did two IVFs and only came out with single blastocyst from each and both were abnormal. We don't have money to keep going indefinitely and the chances with my own eggs are too low so we are going into donor eggs. I know this may not be your issue but we really want to be parents and neither of us is getting younger so this is the path we have chosen. I'm 41 and DH is 39. Good luck on your journey.

December 2016 IVF - no chromosomally normal embryos to transfer

February 2017 IVF - no chromosomally normal embryos to transfer


We are done with my eggs

#5 Beth0516

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 08:36 AM

I am so sorry to hear about your struggle. Infertility is such a hard thing. I also don't know what to say but just that we understand. I was talking to friends this past weekend about in vitro and their focus was the cost and how upsetting that is when it doesn't work (they've never done ivf). And I'll admit I got agitated. The cost is a hardship but I think not nearly as bad as the emotional side. I explained the constant intrusive testing and weeks of strange hormones - not even the worst part- because it gets worse as you wait almost daily to find out about your follicles- are you producing any, will there be enough, then the procedure itself is not nice then the waiting every day to hear how many eggs, how many fertilized, how many are surviving, do you go to day 3 or 5, and then If that all works out the tww and then the devastation if it doesn't work after so much hope - as cautious as you were to not be too hopeful. I just want to say I get it. I'm so sorry you're in this position I would be tempted to use my frozen ones til they were gone but i also know what emotional hell it is to do so. I think nervous optimists advice was good. They're still there. They're still an option for you and not something you need to decide right now.

#6 s00n

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 09:12 AM

Tracy- I hope that you find some calm before your next decisions. Best of luck with it. Only you and your family know what's right for you.


For us I am so concerned with financial security that I had to be ready to go into IVF knowing we could spend the money with nothing to show. I grew up without a lot of money, and built a good career. My husband works in an uncertain industry with periods of layoffs. The stress of financial trouble was something I knew I could not handle personally without it affecting how I function.


We started TTC in 2008, and did medicated cycles, IUIs etc, but couldn't mentally get to IVF until 2014 when we did a fresh cycle that lead to the FET that lead to our daughter.


For us, before that we adopted. We had wanted to do both, so for us that was our option. We had decided ahead of time that we would adopt and try to have a baby too, and we had decided ahead of time that we only wanted to manage one IVF cycle (financially and emotionally.)


Everyone is so different, and I don't know if I would have changed plans if things had gone differently. You know yourself and what you are willing to go through. We all go through different things, and we all have a different level of desire to try different things - for some adoption is out of the question, for others it's donor sperm or eggs, for others it's IVF entirely. When you have had a few days, think about what's important to you - parenting (is adoption an option) - or carrying a child - (how do you find strength for another cycle? is counseling an option? can you raise some money with a fundraiser?)


I wish you the best of luck on your journey. If it ends with this, there are other ways to be involved in the lives of kids, like the Big Sisters program (lifelong connections forged) - and I hope you find a way that brings you joy.

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Him- Potential SA issues Me- PCOS like crazy/anovulation/long cycles. Started TTC before 30. TTC/Secondary Infertility(2008-2015) - Adopted from public system in Ontario 2012. Freeze-All IVF after OHSS, and successful FET 2015 @ 36Yrs Old.

#7 Mrs. R

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 05:58 PM

I am so sorry for what you have been through. Infertility is so difficult and unfair, it never makes sense. 

Everyone is different, but for my husband and I, we are just moving onto adoption after 3 years of ttc. We have been with our fertility clinic for a bit over a year, and in that time, I went through a few months of testing, had a cancelled IVF cycle due to no ovarian response, had surgery and was diagnosed with endometriosis, and had an IVF cycle failure where we had zero fertilization. 

It may not seem like a lot, since I know other couples have been through so much more, yourself included, but we are exhausted. We are tired of all the driving (2 hours to our clinic), all the appointments, spending so much money and not getting anything in return, putting our life on hold, but most of all we are tired of the heartache. For this reason, for the time being, we are shutting this door, and hoping to get an adoption match. Only you and your partner can decide when you are done or if you want to keep trying. And I know that defeated feeling all too well; you are definitely not alone. 

Best of luck to you and your husband as you move forward in your quest to become parents xo

Began ttc May 2014

Me: 31 DH: 31


Dec. 2015: Diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure

Jan. 2016: Started at fertility clinic

                  Had tubal dye test - tubes open

                  Had Sono - low follicle count on ovaries, possible uterine deviation

Feb. 2016: Had hysteroscopy - uterus is normal

Mar. 2016: DH advanced sperm test - normal

Apr. 2016: Told I could have surgery or try IVF - chose IVF

May 2016: IVF "training"

June 2016: IVF#1 - cancelled due to no ovarian response

Oct. 2016: Surgery - diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis 

Nov. 2016: Began adoption process

Jan/Feb 2017: IVF#2 - 8 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, zero fertilized sad.png

Feb 2017: Became adopt ready in Ontario