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When do you give up?


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#1 tracykra

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Posted 07 March 2017 - 08:23 PM

I just received news that I have a chemical pregnancy. After 5 years of ttc, my husband and I are financially and emotionally exhausted.
I am 35 and my husband is 54. He hasthree children from a previous marriage and a vasectomy. We tried IVF for the first time in 2012. We did 1 fresh transfer and 3 FETs- all ending in with bfns. He had a reversal surgery in 2014 which was unsuccessful. In 2016, we did another IVF. Once again we did a fresh transfer and 3 FETs throughout the year and all were bfns. January of this year we were ready to try IUI with a sperm donor as our money had run out for another IVF cycle. Our clinic called and told us there was a funded IVF cycle if we wanted to do it before March 31st. We jumped on that and began or 3rd IVF cycle in February. I got a bfp last week and my first beta was low but we were hopeful. Today I found out it is a chemical because my hormone levels have dropped. We have 3 frosties we can use for FETs but I just feel so defeated. I feel like this is never going to work and the idea of going through this 2 or 3 more times makes me feel sick. I want a child so badly though so I don't know what my options are. I'm not sure what i am asking for in response but I just wanted to vent my frustrations to people who might understand.

#2 nervus optimist

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Posted 07 March 2017 - 08:55 PM

I'm so sorry. One thing that you are right about is that we do understand. This site is a wonderful place filled with people with hardships both similar and different to your own, and at the end of the day we all have to ask ourselves if we keep going, or if we stop. For my husband and I the answer was to take several lengthy breaks. In the end it took us 8 years to become parents. And we literally tried everything. The best advice I ever got was to never make big decisions at the same time as coping with big emotions. Today is a horrible day for you. I know because I've been there far too many times before. Give yourself as much time to heal as you need. And then ask yourself the question again and perhaps you will have more clarity then.

 

Thinking of you

:flowers:


  • s00n likes this

I am 37, DH - 38
Genetic - IVF&PGD to prevent Genetic Disorder
IVF #1 - Nov/08 - MC @ 6 weeks, no embryos frozen
IVF #2 - Aug/09 - bfn
IUI #1 - Feb/10 - ectopic
PRIDE - Apr/10
Homestudy - July/10
Given the gift of donor embryos - Jan/12
Donor FET Jun/12 - 9 weeks - no heartbeat... MC
Donor FET Oct/12 - we're PG biggrin.png

===> Beautiful baby boy born 2013 babyboy.gif

Donor FET Oct/16 - chemical

April 2017 - surprise PG


#3 tracykra

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Posted 07 March 2017 - 09:05 PM

Thanks Nervus Optimist. That is good advice. I will try to take it. It is nice to know others have been there.

#4 returnable

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 06:50 AM

I'm so sorry about your journey thus far. I'm not sure I can give you any advice of when it is time to give up, but for us we did two IVFs and only came out with single blastocyst from each and both were abnormal. We don't have money to keep going indefinitely and the chances with my own eggs are too low so we are going into donor eggs. I know this may not be your issue but we really want to be parents and neither of us is getting younger so this is the path we have chosen. I'm 41 and DH is 39. Good luck on your journey.


Two IVFs and no chromosomally normal blasts to transfer...we are done with my eggs.


#5 Beth0516

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 08:36 AM

I am so sorry to hear about your struggle. Infertility is such a hard thing. I also don't know what to say but just that we understand. I was talking to friends this past weekend about in vitro and their focus was the cost and how upsetting that is when it doesn't work (they've never done ivf). And I'll admit I got agitated. The cost is a hardship but I think not nearly as bad as the emotional side. I explained the constant intrusive testing and weeks of strange hormones - not even the worst part- because it gets worse as you wait almost daily to find out about your follicles- are you producing any, will there be enough, then the procedure itself is not nice then the waiting every day to hear how many eggs, how many fertilized, how many are surviving, do you go to day 3 or 5, and then If that all works out the tww and then the devastation if it doesn't work after so much hope - as cautious as you were to not be too hopeful. I just want to say I get it. I'm so sorry you're in this position I would be tempted to use my frozen ones til they were gone but i also know what emotional hell it is to do so. I think nervous optimists advice was good. They're still there. They're still an option for you and not something you need to decide right now.

#6 s00n

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 09:12 AM

Tracy- I hope that you find some calm before your next decisions. Best of luck with it. Only you and your family know what's right for you.

 

For us I am so concerned with financial security that I had to be ready to go into IVF knowing we could spend the money with nothing to show. I grew up without a lot of money, and built a good career. My husband works in an uncertain industry with periods of layoffs. The stress of financial trouble was something I knew I could not handle personally without it affecting how I function.

 

We started TTC in 2008, and did medicated cycles, IUIs etc, but couldn't mentally get to IVF until 2014 when we did a fresh cycle that lead to the FET that lead to our daughter.

 

For us, before that we adopted. We had wanted to do both, so for us that was our option. We had decided ahead of time that we would adopt and try to have a baby too, and we had decided ahead of time that we only wanted to manage one IVF cycle (financially and emotionally.)

 

Everyone is so different, and I don't know if I would have changed plans if things had gone differently. You know yourself and what you are willing to go through. We all go through different things, and we all have a different level of desire to try different things - for some adoption is out of the question, for others it's donor sperm or eggs, for others it's IVF entirely. When you have had a few days, think about what's important to you - parenting (is adoption an option) - or carrying a child - (how do you find strength for another cycle? is counseling an option? can you raise some money with a fundraiser?)

 

I wish you the best of luck on your journey. If it ends with this, there are other ways to be involved in the lives of kids, like the Big Sisters program (lifelong connections forged) - and I hope you find a way that brings you joy.


  • returnable likes this
Him- Potential SA issues Me- PCOS like crazy/anovulation/long cycles. Started TTC before 30. TTC/Secondary Infertility(2008-2015) - Adopted from public system in Ontario 2012. Freeze-All IVF after OHSS, and successful FET 2015 @ 36Yrs Old.

#7 Mrs. R

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 05:58 PM

I am so sorry for what you have been through. Infertility is so difficult and unfair, it never makes sense. 

Everyone is different, but for my husband and I, we are just moving onto adoption after 3 years of ttc. We have been with our fertility clinic for a bit over a year, and in that time, I went through a few months of testing, had a cancelled IVF cycle due to no ovarian response, had surgery and was diagnosed with endometriosis, and had an IVF cycle failure where we had zero fertilization. 

It may not seem like a lot, since I know other couples have been through so much more, yourself included, but we are exhausted. We are tired of all the driving (2 hours to our clinic), all the appointments, spending so much money and not getting anything in return, putting our life on hold, but most of all we are tired of the heartache. For this reason, for the time being, we are shutting this door, and hoping to get an adoption match. Only you and your partner can decide when you are done or if you want to keep trying. And I know that defeated feeling all too well; you are definitely not alone. 

Best of luck to you and your husband as you move forward in your quest to become parents xo


Began ttc May 2014

Me: 31 DH: 31

 

Dec. 2015: Diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure

Jan. 2016: Started at fertility clinic

                  Had tubal dye test - tubes open

                  Had Sono - low follicle count on ovaries, possible uterine deviation

Feb. 2016: Had hysteroscopy - uterus is normal

Mar. 2016: DH advanced sperm test - normal

Apr. 2016: Told I could have surgery or try IVF - chose IVF

May 2016: IVF "training"

June 2016: IVF#1 - cancelled due to no ovarian response

Oct. 2016: Surgery - diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis 

Nov. 2016: Began adoption process

Jan/Feb 2017: IVF#2 - 8 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, zero fertilized sad.png

Feb 2017: Became adopt ready in Ontario


#8 tracykra

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Posted 02 April 2017 - 07:06 PM

Thanks everyone. Sometimes it is just nice to hear from people who have had infertility frustrations also. I don't know anyone else who is struggling and often feel alone, as a result. 

Your stories and paths have helped me. 



#9 thardy678

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Posted 03 April 2017 - 06:31 PM

My husband is also 20yrs older then me and had a vasectomy. We had a successful vasectomy reversal and after months of trying and miscarriage we did have a successful pregnancy. We have been trying for a second for 17 cycles now and 3 chemicals later, we all thought the issues was me as I get pregnant. But he had a SA done and his results are really poor, so now we are going to IVF and honestly I am terrified it will not work and its so much financial output. 

I am grateful every single day that I somehow had a child, but I know how hard it is to not think you will ever get there and how devastating chemicals are. 

I am seeing a naturpath as well for some fertility help and acupuncture. 



#10 MrsBR

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Posted 03 April 2017 - 08:36 PM

My home life sounds almost exactly as yours. I am 32 and my husband is 51. Has 3 older kids from his previous marriage and a vasectomy. If you read my signature you will see that we went through 6 fresh cycles until we got our miracle. It's essentially all about doing as much as you can handle, and doing what would leave you with the least regret. It's so heartbreaking that you just suffered a chemical but you have frontieson ice! That's a great sign and somewhere inside of you is the courage to give them a shot. I know that in our situation we weren't/couldn't do another fresh ivf cycle but had discussed possibly doing an iui with donor sperm to see if that would work, or adoption. You need to be comfortable with the next steps, whatever they may be. I don't know if any of this helps....
1 year...6 fresh ivf's...so many failed attempts...we finally got a BFP on Nov 27, 2014. What finally worked: co culture, G - CSF, IVIG, prednisone.Nov 27 Beta 112 Nov 29 Beta 291 Dec 16Saw 2 flickering heartbeats on ultrasound!!!! (from a single blastocyst transfer)Looking like identical twins for us...wowDec 22 control u/s to make sure the babies are growing. Only 1 H/B found.1 twin didn't make it. Just 1 baby for us. Jan 23 NT scan and blood work came back all normal! As per our amazing technician...70% chance it's a girl!Mar 18th 20 week anatomy scan shows a perfectly healthy baby girl!
Madison arrives on July 17 2015 at 37 weeks 2 days! 10 fingers and 10 toes...perfect in every way.


Lilypie First Birthday tickers

#11 RebeccaG

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Posted 07 April 2017 - 12:41 PM

I'm so sorry. One thing that you are right about is that we do understand. This site is a wonderful place filled with people with hardships both similar and different to your own, and at the end of the day we all have to ask ourselves if we keep going, or if we stop. For my husband and I the answer was to take several lengthy breaks. In the end it took us 8 years to become parents. And we literally tried everything. The best advice I ever got was to never make big decisions at the same time as coping with big emotions. Today is a horrible day for you. I know because I've been there far too many times before. Give yourself as much time to heal as you need. And then ask yourself the question again and perhaps you will have more clarity then.

 

Thinking of you

flow.gif

What great advice - never make a decision in the midst of it - I always go to what now??  

 

Tracykra - so sorry that you are feeling alone and that you had the chemical - thinking of you!


  • nervus optimist likes this

Sep 15, 2016 First IVF 1 embryo - 2 frozen

Sep 30, 2016 - Positive HCG preganancy test

Oct 5, 2016 -  HCG dropped embryo will not last

Oct 19, 2016 - Request to see endocrinologist

Oct 24, 2016 - Beginning Hashimoto Thyroiditis diet 

Nov 30, 2016 - Blood test to determine if diet helped

Nov 2016 - RE visit

Dec 5, 2016 - RESULTS Hashimotos Diet - for the first time in 10 years I need to lower my Thyroid medicine!!  The diet is working!

Jan 4, 2017 - Meeting with Conceptia - getting ready for FET.  Apparently we have 3 embryos left 2 - 4BB and 1 - 5BB.  Preparing to put one in (hopefully in March) waiting on thyroid testing.

Jan 31, 2017 Started BC - FET scheduled for March 14 
March 14, 2017 - FET!! put in a 5bb
March 24, 2017 - blood work for pregnancy test

March 24, 2017 - BFN

March 27, 2017 - Bloodwork - genetic testing for me and Josh

April 19, 2017 Blood test results show nothing

April 25, 2017 - Starting my Hashimoto diet again

May 15, 2017 - 2 Polyps removed sent for biopsy and lining biopsy