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Hope can be cruel


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#1 LittleFlame

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Posted 25 February 2017 - 10:07 AM

Hi all,

After years of struggling with secondary fertility, going through treatments with everything we could throw at it (ICSI, PGS, AH), our very last FET with abysmal odds broke our hearts with an initial positive pregnancy test  - a pregnancy that was over by 6 weeks. I would've been in my third trimester right now. That was it for us - we were not going to go through it again and spend upwards of 30,000 for only 5-10% chance of success. We were going to embrace that we were a family of 3, give up on that image of us as a family of 4 (or more?!),  and stop waiting for that second child. And when I can get there, it feels really good to be done with fertility treatments taking over our life and I can enjoy our family. There are a lot of benefits for the kid and the family when there is an "only child". The thing is, after only 1 natural pregnancy ever, 6 years ago, I am apparently holding onto the hope that somehow, someway, at 44 with PCOS, I will end up spontaneously pregnant. Every period since sees me crying my eyes out. 

With my son, I was 37 with irregular and infrequent cycles - at most 6x a year. I literally had no hope when my husband-to-be and I were discussing that we'd like a family. We started talking adoption, and I assumed that I'd be starting fertility treatments the day after we got married. I just knew that there was no way I would be getting pregnant on our own. As weird as it sounds,  it was a lot easier  to be completely hopeless than to live like this. I am trying hard to accept our reality but I can't quench that little flicker of hope. Honestly I am just so bitter that "keeping the hope/faith alive" is pitched as a good thing because right now, it's actually devastating. I want to be rid of it. Does anyone else feel like this? How did you get past this?


2010: At age 37, fall in love with husband (36). Start discussing adoption immediately as I am assume I can't get pregnant at my age and because I have always had very irregular and infrequent cycles  - will be diagnosed with PCOS in 2014. Spontaneous (and obviously completely astonished at our luck) pregnancy.

2011(38) : Get married and our son is born. 

2012 (39): TTC for a sibling

2013 (40) : 4 rounds of clomid prescribed by Ob/Gyn

2014 (41): Referred to fertility specialist. Diagnosis - Advanced age and PCOS. 3 failed IUIs

2015 (42): Start IVF

May 2015: IVF#1 - 29 retrieved, 19 mature, 10 fertilized. 2 5-day blasts transferred (Assisted Hatching -AH used). 1 frozen (testing later revealed it was abnormal)

Chemical Pregnancy that ends in June.

Good to know the process itself works, but decide to bank & do PGS testing in 2 more rounds to try to find a good egg and avoid another painful emotional battle of hope and despair when a pregnancy is not viable. 

October 2015: IVF Retrieval #2 - 19 retrieved, 12 mature, 7 fertilize w/ICSI, 2 frozen, 1 normal.

Nov-Dec 2015: Freak out that out of almost 50 eggs, only 1, 1! made it to a chromosomally normal embryo. Start avoiding phalates, eating more plant-based proteins, and doing anything else I can find, legitimate or not, that promises to increase egg quality. It's a dark time. 

December 2015: IVF Retrieval #3 - 31 retrieved, 24 mature, 21 fertilized w/ICSI, 8 frozen, 3 normal

 2016 (43) : Start FETs

March 24, 2016: FET# of 1 blastocyst. BFN.

May 19, 2016: FET #2 of 1 blastocyst. BFN

July 20, 2016: FET #3. Planned to transfer 2 blasts, only 1 survived the thaw. Positive. Lost pregnancy just past 6 weeks.

No more Fertility treatments.  

 

 


#2 returnable

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Posted 25 February 2017 - 09:50 PM

In some ways you have to take the emotions out of it and view it with perspective. Our first IVF resulted in one blast that was chromosomally abnormal. Our second IVF resulted in one blast and we are waiting for PGS results. At 41 the chances are low for me to be a mother with my own eggs.

It sucks. It's not fair but life isn't meant to be fair...it just is. We live in a society of what you want you just get it and one of instant gratification. Having kids doesnt work like that and I have just had to accept it because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change things. Just because I think I'd be a great parent means nothing. People in the past used to accept things they couldn't change more readily because they realized they could do nothing about it.

For us we have limited funds and no insurance for IVF treatments so we have decided to pursue the donor egg route if this last blast doesnt work out as I have come to the realization that as much as I would have loved to have a child with a genetic link, being a parent is more important to me.

December 2016 IVF - no chromosomally normal embryos to transfer

February 2017 IVF - no chromosomally normal embryos to transfer

 

We are done with my eggs


#3 Hopefulrealist

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Posted 26 February 2017 - 12:51 AM

Little flame - ((hugs))

I am sorry you've been through so much with many disappointments. It is such a tough journey and even when you know the odds may not be with you it's hard not to think about the people who get lucky against the odds.

I totally get the feeling of "what if" and even thinking that maybe miraculously we could get lucky trying naturally (although possible not very likely statistically). I think it's just really hard to let go and move on from something you want very badly.

I think time and healing will help but it doesn't make it easier right now. ((Hugs))

Me- 32 33, DH - 33 34

 

2 Failed IUIs (2015). 1 Failed IVF (April 2016). IVF#2- Sept 2016 (Freeze all). FET#1 Jan 2017 - BFN.


#4 idream

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Posted 28 February 2017 - 11:27 AM

Hi all,

After years of struggling with secondary fertility, going through treatments with everything we could throw at it (ICSI, PGS, AH), our very last FET with abysmal odds broke our hearts with an initial positive pregnancy test  - a pregnancy that was over by 6 weeks. I would've been in my third trimester right now. That was it for us - we were not going to go through it again and spend upwards of 30,000 for only 5-10% chance of success. We were going to embrace that we were a family of 3, give up on that image of us as a family of 4 (or more?!),  and stop waiting for that second child. And when I can get there, it feels really good to be done with fertility treatments taking over our life and I can enjoy our family. There are a lot of benefits for the kid and the family when there is an "only child". The thing is, after only 1 natural pregnancy ever, 6 years ago, I am apparently holding onto the hope that somehow, someway, at 44 with PCOS, I will end up spontaneously pregnant. Every period since sees me crying my eyes out. 

With my son, I was 37 with irregular and infrequent cycles - at most 6x a year. I literally had no hope when my husband-to-be and I were discussing that we'd like a family. We started talking adoption, and I assumed that I'd be starting fertility treatments the day after we got married. I just knew that there was no way I would be getting pregnant on our own. As weird as it sounds,  it was a lot easier  to be completely hopeless than to live like this. I am trying hard to accept our reality but I can't quench that little flicker of hope. Honestly I am just so bitter that "keeping the hope/faith alive" is pitched as a good thing because right now, it's actually devastating. I want to be rid of it. Does anyone else feel like this? How did you get past this?

 

Do you realize how many women on this site would love to be in your position?

How many women can't afford to do one round of IVF let alone 3?

How many there are who are hoping for just one baby, just one child. 

 

Embrace what you have, realize that you already won the lottery.

Celebrate the fact that you aren't childless, you aren't still  in the despair of IF treatments or miscarrying.

 

You get by this by realizing that you already have more then many others do.


  • SunshineTTC and NappyJ like this

Tough Times Never Last, but Tough People Do


#5 nervus optimist

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 12:48 PM

I'm so sorry little flame. After many years and many treatments we did have a son. And now, my husband is ready to call it quits, and I'm not. We are both so grateful for our little boy being in our lives, and my husband wants to protect us both from the heartache of trying and failing, and I'm just not ready to accept that my son is an only child. I have a friend who is an only child and lost her mother a couple of years ago after a long illness. Now she is losing her father to a long illness as well. She is all alone looking after him and it scares me that one day my son will be in the same boat. 

 

I don't know that there is any answer in terms of how to get past it. How does your husband feel? Have you ever considered working through some of those feelings with a professional who can help you decide together where you stand and if you would ever move forward. Each person is different in how long they are willing and able to keep trying. I have friends in my cycle buddy group with over 7 years age difference between their youngest and second youngest child. They just kept trying and trying and trying. And of course I have friends who have tried for much longer and never were able to have a second, or even a first. On one hand, we want to keep trying because maybe, just maybe, the next time will be magical, and yet we want to give up because there are no guarantees. There is no question about it.... IF sucks!

 

As a side note, I've taken the liberty to move your discussion over to the secondary infertility section of the site, as in this area people understand so clearly that wishing to add to your family in no way negates the love and appreciation for the child or children that are already a part of your life.

 

:flowers:


  • LittleFlame likes this

I am 37, DH - 38
Genetic - IVF&PGD to prevent Genetic Disorder
IVF #1 - Nov/08 - MC @ 6 weeks, no embryos frozen
IVF #2 - Aug/09 - bfn
IUI #1 - Feb/10 - ectopic
PRIDE - Apr/10
Homestudy - July/10
Given the gift of donor embryos - Jan/12
Donor FET Jun/12 - 9 weeks - no heartbeat... MC
Donor FET Oct/12 - we're PG biggrin.png

===> Beautiful baby boy born 2013 babyboy.gif

Donor FET Oct/16 - chemical


#6 nervus optimist

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 01:00 PM

 

Hi all,

After years of struggling with secondary fertility, going through treatments with everything we could throw at it (ICSI, PGS, AH), our very last FET with abysmal odds broke our hearts with an initial positive pregnancy test  - a pregnancy that was over by 6 weeks. I would've been in my third trimester right now. That was it for us - we were not going to go through it again and spend upwards of 30,000 for only 5-10% chance of success. We were going to embrace that we were a family of 3, give up on that image of us as a family of 4 (or more?!),  and stop waiting for that second child. And when I can get there, it feels really good to be done with fertility treatments taking over our life and I can enjoy our family. There are a lot of benefits for the kid and the family when there is an "only child". The thing is, after only 1 natural pregnancy ever, 6 years ago, I am apparently holding onto the hope that somehow, someway, at 44 with PCOS, I will end up spontaneously pregnant. Every period since sees me crying my eyes out. 

With my son, I was 37 with irregular and infrequent cycles - at most 6x a year. I literally had no hope when my husband-to-be and I were discussing that we'd like a family. We started talking adoption, and I assumed that I'd be starting fertility treatments the day after we got married. I just knew that there was no way I would be getting pregnant on our own. As weird as it sounds,  it was a lot easier  to be completely hopeless than to live like this. I am trying hard to accept our reality but I can't quench that little flicker of hope. Honestly I am just so bitter that "keeping the hope/faith alive" is pitched as a good thing because right now, it's actually devastating. I want to be rid of it. Does anyone else feel like this? How did you get past this?

 

Do you realize how many women on this site would love to be in your position?

How many women can't afford to do one round of IVF let alone 3?

How many there are who are hoping for just one baby, just one child. 

 

Embrace what you have, realize that you already won the lottery.

Celebrate the fact that you aren't childless, you aren't still  in the despair of IF treatments or miscarrying.

 

You get by this by realizing that you already have more then many others do.

 

 

With all due respect, a baby is not a lottery prize. I am beyond grateful for the little one in my life. I went through tremendous hardships (financially, physically, emotionally, professionally....) to finally become a mother. I was ready to give up, and did give up, many times before having him. Yet, I still keep trying for another. And it has nothing to do with wanting to win the lottery again. As much as I would love to have another child, carry another child, parent another child, honestly, I feel much more strongly about wanting a sibling for my son. I think siblings share a special bond growing up, but even more so, as I see many people around me caring for aging and ailing parents and the toll it takes on them, and knowing that my husband has a chronic illness, and seeing how my parents worked with their siblings to support their aging and ailing parents, it worries me that my son may one day have to take on that responsibility on his own. I have no doubt that he will grow to be a responsible, giving caring man, but it's hard to be alone in the world when times are hard, and having a sibling means that you never are, not matter how old you are.

 

I would like to remind you that first and foremost our community strives to be one of support. No matter what our situations are, or how lucky or unlucky we may have been on our journey, how long or how short it has been, how expensive, or how many treatments, each day any one of us could be having a good day or a bad day, or month, or year, or decade, but that does not negate the pain that anyone else is feeling. It is important for all of us to always be here for each other in the spirit of support as we go through things that no one should ever have to live through. I completely understand that in some cases we can't relate to the pain that someone is experiencing, and for me, in cases like that, I choose to not respond and let others be the support system that I can't be.

I'm sorry that your pain runs so deeply. It does for all of us.

Wishing you happier times ahead.

:flowers:


  • taitertot, hamiltwin, lumnay and 5 others like this

I am 37, DH - 38
Genetic - IVF&PGD to prevent Genetic Disorder
IVF #1 - Nov/08 - MC @ 6 weeks, no embryos frozen
IVF #2 - Aug/09 - bfn
IUI #1 - Feb/10 - ectopic
PRIDE - Apr/10
Homestudy - July/10
Given the gift of donor embryos - Jan/12
Donor FET Jun/12 - 9 weeks - no heartbeat... MC
Donor FET Oct/12 - we're PG biggrin.png

===> Beautiful baby boy born 2013 babyboy.gif

Donor FET Oct/16 - chemical


#7 Robyn2015

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Posted 06 March 2017 - 10:33 PM

nervous - I am sending you my well wishes. It is difficult. I had our son in March 2016 and I'm already alight with worries about whether (after 13 years two miscarriages TTC), I'll be able to give him a sibling. It is its own, different pain, but pain no less. I didn't understand it when women in my support group cried about not having a second child when I was there trying to cope with the pain of not having one. Now that I'm in their shoes, I see. Wishing you peace and comfort.


  • nervus optimist and lumnay like this

Me: 36, DH: 39


TTC for many years: PCOS, 1 blocked tube

1st Trimester Miscarriages: 2 (June and November 2009 - conceived on own without intervention)

DS: Born March 2016

TTC#2: Referall back to fertility clinic - start with IUIs and then, if covered and if needed, on to IVF

 

 

 

zfE6m5.png


#8 LittleFlame

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Posted 16 March 2017 - 02:20 PM

Thanks for the understanding words, virtual hugs, and thank you for moving this to a more appropriate thread.

Returnable, it appears that you have gotten the PGS results and will be proceeding with donor eggs. I'm sorry about the PGS results. As you said, life is not fair. I hope that donor eggs work out, I know that they do for many people. Good for you for doing the hard emotional work of figuring out what you want and the best way to proceed. 

HopefulRealist, thank you for getting the whole "head knows its unlikely, heart (or ovaries) keep thinking what if..."

idream, I wrote this at a very specific point of time in the emotional timeline. It is probably hard, if not impossible, for others to relate. Heck, I couldn't relate while we were actively pursuing fertility treatments, I was desperately seeking those success stories. I also realize that everyone feels bitterness towards others - I know I have, to the multiple women I know who had spontaneous pregnancies at 40+, to the co-worker currently pregnant with triplets. I believe that you were trying to offer comfort, but it feels a little like I'm being kicked when I'm already down.  I think that you are seeking support, and I know that you can find it on this forum.

Nervus Optimist, thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you.  I had this grief pouring out of me that had nowhere to go and that I knew would be hard to understand by well, pretty much everyone - fertiles, infertiles, family. Yes, I did go see a professional. Several weeks after the miscarriage in August when I was just not coping - standing in the kitchen for 45 minutes staring at the walls, trying to plan and make something for dinner and being totally unable to do so - I started a couple of months of therapy. I wish that I had started it earlier, and it's in my back pocket for something I may pick up again when I need it. Which maybe is now... Thanks for understanding that wishing and mourning a second child (or third, or fourth) is separate from desperately loving the child/children that you already have. My mother-in-law, among others, is quite prone to the "be grateful that you have your son" style of trying to be comforting which is infuriating. I AM grateful  - every day! He's awesome! We wish we could've had 10 more like him!  All my best on your quest for a sibling.

Robyn2015 - this forum is a great place because there really is something for everyone at every stage and situation. It helps immeasurably to know that you are not alone. Congrats on your 1 year old, and I hope that you your future journey is successful. 


  • lumnay likes this

2010: At age 37, fall in love with husband (36). Start discussing adoption immediately as I am assume I can't get pregnant at my age and because I have always had very irregular and infrequent cycles  - will be diagnosed with PCOS in 2014. Spontaneous (and obviously completely astonished at our luck) pregnancy.

2011(38) : Get married and our son is born. 

2012 (39): TTC for a sibling

2013 (40) : 4 rounds of clomid prescribed by Ob/Gyn

2014 (41): Referred to fertility specialist. Diagnosis - Advanced age and PCOS. 3 failed IUIs

2015 (42): Start IVF

May 2015: IVF#1 - 29 retrieved, 19 mature, 10 fertilized. 2 5-day blasts transferred (Assisted Hatching -AH used). 1 frozen (testing later revealed it was abnormal)

Chemical Pregnancy that ends in June.

Good to know the process itself works, but decide to bank & do PGS testing in 2 more rounds to try to find a good egg and avoid another painful emotional battle of hope and despair when a pregnancy is not viable. 

October 2015: IVF Retrieval #2 - 19 retrieved, 12 mature, 7 fertilize w/ICSI, 2 frozen, 1 normal.

Nov-Dec 2015: Freak out that out of almost 50 eggs, only 1, 1! made it to a chromosomally normal embryo. Start avoiding phalates, eating more plant-based proteins, and doing anything else I can find, legitimate or not, that promises to increase egg quality. It's a dark time. 

December 2015: IVF Retrieval #3 - 31 retrieved, 24 mature, 21 fertilized w/ICSI, 8 frozen, 3 normal

 2016 (43) : Start FETs

March 24, 2016: FET# of 1 blastocyst. BFN.

May 19, 2016: FET #2 of 1 blastocyst. BFN

July 20, 2016: FET #3. Planned to transfer 2 blasts, only 1 survived the thaw. Positive. Lost pregnancy just past 6 weeks.

No more Fertility treatments.