20 replies to this topic

[LadyBee28]

Nowhere to ask but maybe here? I'm stuck in regards to my in laws. 1.5 years ago my spouses sister got pregnant with her boyfriend of 6months. She isn't financially responsible at all and after failing to manage a mortgage in 2013 she moved back home with her parents for three years. In that time she went on many trips and bought fancy handbags/clothing/cars. She didn't bother to save so she applied for funding (with fudging numbers for sure) and was approved for a down payment forgiveness program, meaning after 5 years on her brand new condo she will have payed a $2000 deposit and never a down payment. Then bam pregnant! His mom bought her a $3000 stroller car seat system and crib (I'm sure among other things).

His family is not at all sensitive people. His sister after our first miscarriage texted "sorry to hear the news I'm sure it will all work out 😊). Um ok. 5 hrs later the same day she texts us again asking if we were coming to her birthday outing later that month. Seriously. She's never bothered to ask us how we're doing and her life has revolved around dating and going to the club with her friends.

His mom told me I should be happy for his sister because the year before that she thought she had cancer (abnormal cells on a pap and not cancer at all) and that she thought she'd never have children. In my head I wanted to scream though "so like my life?" as a cancer survivor who's dealing with 9 years of IF. How terrible for her, could I imagine such a life? It's not that she didn't have the right to be scared but not sure his mom realized how that would make me feel when that has been and is my reality. I guess after her so called cancer scare (sorry...eye roll) his parents took her to Scotland, London, and Paris to de-stress.

So after the news came out that she was pregnant his mom cried on the phone asking us how we were going to be okay with her pregnancy, what about Christmas, what about his sistes feelings. Um 😐.... sorry our IF is awkward and an inconvenience for you? She then invited me out for a lunch to celebrate my birthday but just spent the whole time interrogating me about our current treatment plan, asked me if our problems getting pregnant could be due to timing!😟 for real?! Yes the 8 years of unexplained infertility and pregnancy loss after much ART is
a timing thing (bang my head against a wall). In those 8 years, despite our efforts to educate her on what the procedures mean, what the doctors have said, basic fertility concepts, she still can't be bothered to try to understand the process.

After several months of us needing to be absent after her pregnancy announcement and insensitive conversations with his mom we got a text from his sister saying we were not dealing with things the right way and need to be more sensitive to others feelings. This was the final straw and we haven't been able to have a relationship since. Everyday we are filled with pain and we do feel badly about being absent but we're also unable to take anymore. We have tried so many times to discuss with them why we're hurt but all we ever get back is defensive comments and told it's all very hard for them. When we say why we're hurt his sister just says "sorry, what else can I say". Not even any acknowledgement of her actions (or really lack there of) and Judgement towards us instead of any empathy and sensitivity. Anger and hurt has now taken its place in our hearts and I know it's not the way to live but we're unable to find a way to move forward.

I'm past faking a smile at this point now.

[Elle22]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but you've definitely found the right place to vent it all out.  I don't have any advice, I have not told a single person we are doing any fertility treatment, including when I miscarried.  I know people just don't understand and it will only make things worse for me and my husband. 

All I can say, is I understand what you are going though and you need to take care of yourself (and husband) and not worry about anyone else. that is your number 1 priority. and this is a great place to come to vent and get support whenever you need it. 

Sending you a big hug and lots of strength and luck on the rest of your journey. 

[annatarz79]

oh i feel you!!! i joined this forum for a very similar reason. my sil got pregnant after only been together a very short time and by accident and she also had the cancer/pap scare too. they live in a different country so all of this was via skype and i remember them asking me to be a part of a video conference with my parents for when they will announce it. and i said i am sorry but i can not do this for you. there is no way in hell that i will do this for you and i am not even sorry but if you think this is easy for me than you are delusional. then after 2 weeks they apologized only to pretend that nothing was wrong ten minutes later and start talking about my situation like know it alls!!! 

I would recommend on sitting them down and tell them how you want things to be. ask them not to talk about it infront of you. if they can not do this tell them you need space. lay down the law. i personally have done this with my DH family. i have asked him to tell them whatever he wants but that none of them is to discuss anything with me. I personally never said anything to my immediate family only to my brother and this was after many years and only the basics. i do not want people to know not because it is a taboo but because i found early on they have a natural tendency to care and ask questions and offer unsolicited opinions and advice at the wrong time. I can not discuss my problems twenty for seven or on demand. i have feelings and a bruised heart. if they can not accept it then its their problem. good luck!!! and vent away!

[LadyBee28]

Thanks for the replies, it means a lot. I struggle so much with feeling like a bad person over it. I just can't handle the insensitivity and ignorance as well as I used to. I also don't have a lot of emotional resources left anymore

[LadyBee28]

annatarz79 it sounds like you truly understand and you've set some real boundaries. I thought I had but guess not. I have never even seen my SILs baby only because it feels that she refuses to understand how her words and actions towards us were so painful. She blows off the pain of our pregnancy losses saying she doesn't know what to say but refused to acknowledge that saying nothing and ignoring our pain is hurtful. The theme in his family is if it makes you feel uncomfortable ignore it and always put on a smile and pretend your okay.

[quandry]

I totally get where you are coming from. My inlaws were terrible during our struggles. I was never allowed to grieve, I grieved wrong, how could I not be thrilled for my sil, all of it just made me sick. Plus we were having other major struggles on top of all that too. So now they get nothing from me. At all. I haven't even seen bil or sil since June and I'm totally fine with that. If I never saw them again, I'd be fine with that too. Don't get me wrong, my family can be almost as bad. My mother makes everything about her, so she wasn't even told about ANY of our losses because it would become all about her losses years earlier. I told my sister we were thinking of having one more, and she got mad at me and wouldn't even tell me why. Turned out she was afraid for me, which ibget, but at least tell me why you're giving me the cold shoulder.

I'm not sure telling them what your boundaries are will help. In reality, most people don't want to be told how to act and get very offended unless they are super reasonable people. One of the worst things I ever did was tell my inlaws anything. Honestly, change the subject, walk away, have a sudden emergency... deal with it that way. They will soon get the hint to shut the freak up.

[Tess]

My experience has been that people are tragically un-empathetic in regards to infertility.  

 

People who you think will support you will fall down hopelessly in this experience.  They will not get your struggle, they will ignore your financial problems that are caused by the medical costs, and they will blame you for causing them worry.  

 

That's the worst part -- that they will blame you if they feel awkward or stressed out by your pain.  They will blame you for feeling awkward in any situation, including pregnancy announcements. 

 

The best way to protect yourself is to pretend everything is fine.  Everything is always good.  

 

Don't talk about it, and when you do, pretend everything is a-ok & under control.  "It's a concern, but we're working on the situation -- the doctor says everything will be fine.  It may take some time but please don't worry about it.  Everything will be fine."    

 

It's horrific that this is the situation.  It's horrific, but you can get through it.  The worst part is that people who you would expect to give you empathy and support will not do so.  I am so sorry.

[Red Wine]

I'm sorry you've been struggling for nine years to have a child. I'm sorry your in-laws are being challenging.

We never told our families while we were dealing with infertility but we did get in trouble for not having kids since we were married for so long prior to having a child. For many reasons while we were going through infertility we did not speak with family/in-laws. Partly because of our infertility struggles and also because of family dynamics.

My advice would be to let your husband deal with his family. He needs to deal with them in a way you guys feel is appropriate. For you, do what you want, if you're invited to a function and don't feel up to attending then say you have another commitment that day. You can be vague about your commitment.

I know from not speaking with family/in-laws it can be difficult and hurt relationships. We didn't speak to some people for two years so it can cause tension. I think if you do want to maintain a long term relationship with people that you need to continue speaking with them. After not speaking with some family on and off for years at a time that we will not speak now. We have done the non speaking thing more than getting along. Now after not speaking to some family for long periods we are doing the non speaking thing again and I think this time is the end of the line for the relationship. If you choose not to speak with your in-laws it could cut any future relationship if that's what you want. Be aware that cutting a relationship can be a challenge too.

Best of luck.

[Axl2]

It sucks that the people that should have empathy for you don't. I totally get it my mom is all about herself. When I told her that my husband and I decided to adopt. My mom said to me why don't you want to do IVF like isn't that selfish ah no its not because of my health. And now we have been on the waiting list for 11 months and she cries and says she's the only one who is not a grandparent. Then she goes on to say how hard it is for my mom and dad like really?!! I don't really have any advice because I have never said anything to my mother. But I get it the infertility struggle really sucks and the people that can't support you through the struggle suck!!

[EverHopefull!]

I avoid my in-laws for reasons like this.  It's just easier.  Here's just one example, about 6 years into our IF struggle my FIL "adopted" a grand-baby.  He took up knitting and joined a knitting group and one of the knitters had a 1 year old and so he appointed himself her grandpa.  He brought her to family functions and made comments to us, to friends and to family that since we weren't bothering to give him a grand-baby that he had to go find his own.  He knew we'd been trying for years and that we'd been through multiple surgeries and IF treatments, but he still chose to express his displeasure in our failure in a really hurtful way.   That's just one example, my MIL and SIL are just as bad.  It's just easier to avoid them.  At first they complained about me not liking them, but after a year or so they gave that up.  I go to family functions I can't avoid, and I do my best to stay away from them when I'm there.  And we're all happier. 

 

(and this is beside the point, but the reason I couldn't conceive is because of one of those abnormal pap smears that wasn't actually cancer.  the treatment they do to prevent it from becoming cancer damages the cervical mucus glands and scars the cervix in a way that really does make it almost impossible to conceive.  I don't mean to detract from what you're going through, they are clearly selfish and unsupportive, but that small bit is legit.)

[annatarz79]

I avoid my in-laws for reasons like this.  It's just easier.  Here's just one example, about 6 years into our IF struggle my FIL "adopted" a grand-baby.  He took up knitting and joined a knitting group and one of the knitters had a 1 year old and so he appointed himself her grandpa.  He brought her to family functions and made comments to us, to friends and to family that since we weren't bothering to give him a grand-baby that he had to go find his own.  He knew we'd been trying for years and that we'd been through multiple surgeries and IF treatments, but he still chose to express his displeasure in our failure in a really hurtful way.  

OMG!!! that is just sooooo... i dont even know how to describe my feelings after only reading it!! how on earth are you still talking to Him?? how does your partner even talk to him after that?? it is just .... F-----ing unbelievable !!!

[LadyBee28]

(and this is beside the point, but the reason I couldn't conceive is because of one of those abnormal pap smears that wasn't actually cancer.  the treatment they do to prevent it from becoming cancer damages the cervical mucus glands and scars the cervix in a way that really does make it almost impossible to conceive.  I don't mean to detract from what you're going through, they are clearly selfish and unsupportive, but that small bit is legit.)[/quote]

I agree her abnormal paps were a legit issue and very scary for her, it was more the fact that his parents catered to her, sent her on a trip overseas, and shed tears when they told me how awful it was for her that she was told she might not have kids. His mom went on about how awful it was for her that she could have had cancer. My point was, I live this reality everyday as a cancer survivor and with ongoing IF and it felt like rubbing salt in a wound. Like his mom was saying that her situation could have been mine and that would have been the worst. I empathize with her situation but we haven't even received an ounce of empathy for what is happening and his sister has gotten so much concern for something that could have happened. She's fine and got pregnant right away without any financial or life responsibilities. I may sound like a cold B but I used to be so Pollyanna and cared non stop for others. I'm no longer that person anymore and all I see is my life is a real bummer to others. So thank god it wasn't her right?

[EverHopefull!]

You don't sound like a B at all.  You're totally right, they are treating you poorly.  They used you as the example of the worst case scenario and expected you to suck it up and join the pity party for your SIL.  I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[SWg]

LadyBee, I am so sorry you have been on such a difficult journey for so long, there are no words to say except...it sucks!

If you don't mind I'd like to piggyback off this conversation and get a little feedback as I am on the other end of this type of situation. 

I had my own struggle with IF after a battle with Cancer and got my happy ending when my son was born last year via surrogacy. 

During our pregnancy I found out that my brother and his wife were having their own struggles and undergoing IVF. They had multiple failed transfers until finally this fall they announced they were pregnant...only to lose the baby at 20 weeks. It was absolutely horrible and my heart broke for them. Slowly but surely they have been getting stronger but to make matters worse my SIL's sister is pregnant and due at the same time she would have been. Her sister is not very sensitive and will openly talk about her pregnancy to her, upsetting her every time (but she keeps it all inside only telling my brother). I have only spoken to my SIL a handful of times, I have reached out but I she usually responds via text, telling me she's just not good at communicating. I try not to feel bad that she won't open to me even though I've been through something similar. They have barely seen my son, never asking to FaceTime. I understand how hard it is for them, but I also feel bad that they are missing out on him. They don't live in the same city so we don't see each other. When I speak to my brother I try to be as sensitive as I can be, but I am always worried that I am saying the wrong thing, asking too many questions or not enough. Any advice on what to say or not say? I don't want to push them but I miss them...

[idream]

I am sorry that your family is being so insensitive. Some people just don't understand this struggle at all. I recently miscarried and my sister hasn't called once to ask me how i am doing. Even after I broke down in tears at her house last week, crickets.....

 

I am also shocked at how insensitive people can be on this site.  Every pregnancy announcement is a struggle, when people post in the main comment sidebar it is another reminder that after more then 5 years I am not a mom.  I don't understand how those who are actively living the struggle can get pregnant and then magically forget how much pain there was.  I wish we had a ban to pregnancy announcements other then to one specific area. Our focus of support should be those still struggling with IF.

 

I'll get off my soap box.

 

I hope you can find the strength to deal with your struggles.

[EverHopefull!]

LadyBee, I am so sorry you have been on such a difficult journey for so long, there are no words to say except...it sucks!

If you don't mind I'd like to piggyback off this conversation and get a little feedback as I am on the other end of this type of situation. 

I had my own struggle with IF after a battle with Cancer and got my happy ending when my son was born last year via surrogacy. 

During our pregnancy I found out that my brother and his wife were having their own struggles and undergoing IVF. They had multiple failed transfers until finally this fall they announced they were pregnant...only to lose the baby at 20 weeks. It was absolutely horrible and my heart broke for them. Slowly but surely they have been getting stronger but to make matters worse my SIL's sister is pregnant and due at the same time she would have been. Her sister is not very sensitive and will openly talk about her pregnancy to her, upsetting her every time (but she keeps it all inside only telling my brother). I have only spoken to my SIL a handful of times, I have reached out but I she usually responds via text, telling me she's just not good at communicating. I try not to feel bad that she won't open to me even though I've been through something similar. They have barely seen my son, never asking to FaceTime. I understand how hard it is for them, but I also feel bad that they are missing out on him. They don't live in the same city so we don't see each other. When I speak to my brother I try to be as sensitive as I can be, but I am always worried that I am saying the wrong thing, asking too many questions or not enough. Any advice on what to say or not say? I don't want to push them but I miss them...

 

I would drop it.  You've reached out, they know you have been through something similar and that you want to be there for them, and that's all you can do.  Call to say hi but let them off the hook if they make excuses to get off the phone quickly.  Accept brief texts as communication.  If you miss them then call and tell them so, and try to make most of your communication about your relationship and not your son.  I have a sister who always wanted kids and never got to have them (for other reasons than IF) and I know it's painful for her to hear me talk about my son, so I try not to.  We talk about everything but kids.  When she's feeling strong enough to deal with it she will ask about him and I let her lead those conversations.  I'm sure that your brother has considered that they're missing out on your son, but it just might be too painful for them right now.  So let them off the hook for a bit and give them some time to cope.  My son is almost 6 and my sister still finds it painful to talk about him, so don't be surprised if it takes some time.  Sorry it's tough!

[wannabemummy]

I'm just in the process of miscarrying... we've had to update our immediate families and close friends we had told.  Everyone has been supportive checking up on us but I still don't think they really understand how it feels unless they have been in the exact same shoes.  This is our second bfp and second mc and we have been at this for 7 years!  I have good days and bad days since finding out last week but waiting for things to happen so we can move on to our next transfer is so depressing, the fake smiles are the worst especially at work.  Our close friends that we told just actually had a baby a few months ago (they had gone thru ivf also) but don't think they have had losses.  They were suppose to stay with us this weekend as they are visiting from out of town so that plan got changed.  I'm getting stressed out and depressed about them visiting as I know this will be a topic of discussion and obviously a baby in our faces and I really don't want to talk about it.  They text us or call every few days to find out what's happening i.e. husband giving them update of my spotting etc!  I still wouldn't want them to stay with us regardless of whether things get done before they arrive!  I think is a private time and everyone should respect that.  We are suppose to have a bday party/dinner this weekend for me also but I'm not in the mood to put on a fake smile and play martha stewart.  Sorry to vent but I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I guess i just want someone to say is ok to be selfish.

[returnable]

It is absolutely okay to be selfish. Everyone has different needs when dealing with loss, and obviously you have an idea of what it is you need right now. Take care of yourself and don't worry about the others (if this is what you define as selfishness, I just think this is what you need to do for yourself to be healthy).

[EverHopefull!]

I don't think it's selfish either.  Take care of you!

[SWg]

Everhopeful, Thank you for the thoughtful reply. Yes, I am doing much of what you said, I totally let them lead the conversations and I am never the first to bring up my son. I just  want to help so badly but there is nothing I can do to change their reality...just hope and give them time...

 

Wannabe mummy, when I read your post my heart ached for you. The waiting between transfers is the absolute worst...but yes be as selfish as you want to be! Do whatever you have to do to make your days easier, everyone around you will understand

[quandry]

Wannabe- I'd be upfront and just tell them. When we had our late loss three years ago, I wanted nothing to do with anyone and was very vocal about that. I specifically said I didn't want to talk about it. Plain and simple. I also told people (or had my dh tell people) that visits and socializing was not going to be happening.

You are entitled to you space and privacy to grieve. Make sure you aren't playing nice because you don't need to be nice right now.