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Harder than I thought


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#1 ven73

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Posted 13 December 2016 - 11:18 AM

I would rename the thread to "Barely Coping with Infertility".  It's been 3 weeks since we got told that there's no point in trying another cycle with my eggs. I'm 43, so it wasn't a surprise...but I'm having such a hard time accepting this reality. I have good days where I can fully be present to all the blessings in my life, feel grateful for 2 step-daughters a great husband, loving friends and family, etc.

 

Today is not one of those days. My mind isbusy with thoughts of what life will be like watching others have their little families. Can't really focus on anything today. I got AF this morning and all I can think of is marking Day 1 in my calendar...a lifetime of wasted eggs, of PMS headaches and cramps, of money spent on tampons, etc. All for nothing. 

 

My husband asked for a break from making life decisions based on starting a family with me.  I'm trying to give him the space he needs, but it's hard not to have a plan. 

 

 

 



#2 EverHopefull!

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Posted 13 December 2016 - 12:01 PM

((ven73))

 

It is hard!  When we got to the point where it didn't make sense to keep trying with my eggs (I'm also 43) we went to see a marriage counselor to talk about it.  We wanted to make sure that moving to DE was the right choice for us.  We went weekly for a couple of months and then bi-weekly for a few more months before we finally made our decision.  If you're having trouble giving your husband space (I had trouble with that too) then it might be helpful.  It gave my husband some extra time and someone to talk to, and for me it felt like we were at least doing something, so it was good for both of us.

 

Good luck!


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TTC since December 2004

One successful IVF

Many, many unsuccessful IF treatments

 


#3 orchid

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Posted 13 December 2016 - 02:03 PM

Hi vent73 - I am with you on the barely coping bit ... and watching other people building their families ...

 

I think the passage of time helps in processing the predicament, but even though my RE told me that this decision is harder on the parents than the child born out of this process, it's still not our first option.

 

Although we were successful when I was 36 ... now at 40, I have also been advised to seek donor eggs.

DH is more than ready to call it quits and believes that is our best option.

I go back and forth between trying with my own, DE and occasionally quitting.

 

We are seeing a counsellor, which I think is helping somewhat with the communication between DH and I, but it hasn't solved my primal desire to be pregnant again and nurture another baby.

 

I recently read "Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation" by Ellen Glazer and Evelina Weidman Sterling ... which essentially says that done the right way, (ie. let the donor portion of the story be known to the child at an early age and use a known donor that the child can contact if they want to) these children thrive because they are so very much wanted. But, I struggle with the fact that I already have one biological child and how would the difference between them work out. Will the DE child feel less part of the family is what I really worry about.

 

I have also tried to look on the bright side of things, telling myself that financially we'd be better off with our family the way it is and that I will have less to worry about down the road in terms of funding higher education, but still I look at my son every day - how wonderful he is - and I want to experience the whole thing all over again. And it doesn't help that he comes home from school with drawings of our family with a future sister named Lily drawn in.  It might sound very greedy to want a second miracle ... but this yearning is crazy bothersome and constantly unsettling.

 

I hope one day we both find a solution that satisfies our desire, solves this challenge in some way shape or form.

 

Thanks for posting and I hope others chime in on this important IF topic!!


  • ven73 likes this

Me:40 DH:41
TTC since 2003
Male Factor - Arimidex, but limited impact, therefore fast track to IVF/ICSI
IVF #1, May 2011 - Long Protocol
April 17 - start BCP (Marvelon)
May 3 - start Suprefact
May 13 - start Puregon
May 23 - HCG
May 25 - ER!!!!!!!! 16 eggs retrieved - all ICSI
May 26 - 14 eggs injected - 13 embrios (grow embies grow!)
May 30 - ET - 1 blast and 1 embryo transfered ... saw a taddpole wiggling on u/s!
June 1 - 2 blasts frozen (grade 4BB and 3BC)
June 05 - brown spotting
June 06 - bright red bleed
June 08 - Scheduled beta - BFN - sad.png
 
FET #1, July 2011
July 11 - Cycle day 1 - Started Estrace and Baby Aspirin
July 21 - u/s to check lining
July 27 - ET of 2 blasts
Aug 5 - BFP ... beta 164
Aug 8 - beta 429
1st u/s - Sept 1 - singleton - h/b 160n/t scan - Sept 30
1st OB appt - Oct 5a/s - Nov 23 - it's a BOY!!EDD - April 14, 2012
Karl Frederick was born on April 1st at 4:32 pm weighing 8 lbs 14 oz.

TTC #2 ... hope this works!
 
IVF #2 - Sept 2014 
Long Protocol - Suprefact, Gonal F 300
23 eggs retrieved, 14 fertilized, 1 3AB transferred, 1 3BC frozen
Oct 14 - brown spotting
Oct 15 - bright red bleed ... this is looking like my other fresh cycle!!
Oct 20 - BFP ... beta 67 ... OMG!!
Oct 23 - beta 182
Oct 27 - beta 1320
Nov 14 - HB around 72 and measuring at 6wk3dys, rather than 7wks4dys ... will probably m/c
Dec 2 - no HB and measuring 7wk4dys, miscarried the next day sad.png
 
FET #2, May 2015
Transferred 3BC ... BFN sad.png

IVF #3 - July/Aug 2015

Long Protocol - Suprefact, Gonal F 350

July 27 - start BCP

Aug 5 - start Suprefact

Aug 14 - start Gonal F

Aug 25 - retrieval of 16 oocytes

Aug 26 - 15 ICSIed, 8 fertilized

Aug 30 - 3 frosties (4AB, 2AC, 3AC) - freeze all cycle by choice

 
FET #3, Sept 2015

Transferred 4AB ... BFN ... sad.png devastated.

 

FET #4, Oct 2015

Transferred 2AC and 3AC ... very low BFP (7) ... second beta 0

 

IVF #4 - May 2016

Long Protocol - Suprefact, Gonal F 350, Luveris

May 11 - retrieval of 17 oocytes, 12 ICSId, 12fertilized

May 17 - nothing to transfer or freeze sad.png

 

Time for 2nd opinions


#4 ven73

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Posted 15 December 2016 - 03:20 AM

Thanks so much for your support and suggestions. I think going to counselling is a great idea and one that I will suggest to my DH. Because he has 2 daughters from his first marriage I keep feeling that he just doesn't get it, he doesn't get how painful it is...he already got to experience the joys and challenges that I so long for. It's not fair to him...


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#5 From0to3

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Posted 15 December 2016 - 02:09 PM

Hi ven - as a step parent to my husbands two boys I completely got how hard it can be almost harder than having no children between you. For me it made infertility that much harder when his boys would be warm all week and rhen treat me like i was invisible once their mom came on tbe scene. I envied the connection my husband had with her and why she git to be the mother if my husbands kids and not me. Things have changed for our dynamic as ivf did bring us success in the end but its really a hard that few can understand and if you need to vent to someone whos been there I am your girl! Its frustrating that DHs just dont get how step-parenting just makes infertility that much more complicated and an emotional roller-coaster. Counselling and discussing DE sounds like a great plan!
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IVF#1:17 Eggs, 4-5 Day Blasts: Transferred 2: th_abfn.gif

 FET#1: Transferred 2: th_abfp.gif m/c@9weeks th_agrr.gif 

IVF#2: 5 Eggs, 5-5 Day Blasts: Transferred 2: th_abfp.gif Boy/Girl Twins born DEC 2013 babygirl.gif babyboy.gif 

 

FET#2:Transferred 1: th_abfp.gif Baby Girl born July 2016 babygirl.gif  

 

2 Frosties Remaining.


#6 Hope1818

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Posted 20 December 2016 - 04:30 PM

Thanks so much for your support and suggestions. I think going to counselling is a great idea and one that I will suggest to my DH. Because he has 2 daughters from his first marriage I keep feeling that he just doesn't get it, he doesn't get how painful it is...he already got to experience the joys and challenges that I so long for. It's not fair to him...

 

Hi Ven73

 

we are at the same clinic and I just found out my FET with my only frozen embryo didn't work.  My husband has made it clear that he is done trying and I am feeling very depressed. I hope you are finding peace.



#7 ven73

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Posted 21 December 2016 - 04:07 PM

 

Thanks so much for your support and suggestions. I think going to counselling is a great idea and one that I will suggest to my DH. Because he has 2 daughters from his first marriage I keep feeling that he just doesn't get it, he doesn't get how painful it is...he already got to experience the joys and challenges that I so long for. It's not fair to him...

 

Hi Ven73

 

we are at the same clinic and I just found out my FET with my only frozen embryo didn't work.  My husband has made it clear that he is done trying and I am feeling very depressed. I hope you are finding peace.

 

I'm so sorry Hope,

 

It is such a rollercoaster. Some days better than others. Grieving is so hard at this time too with expectations around the holidays. I hope you have love and support around you. 



#8 Hope1818

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Posted 21 December 2016 - 08:17 PM

Vent 73

 

Your original post resonated so much with me, "barely coping" is exactly how I feel! I am sorry I didn't have the wherewithal to express that yesterday.  I think I was in a fog of grief and exhaustion after crying for hours on end. My husband's position made everything so overwhelming.  Like you I need a plan always and in the past knowing that there was a next step didn't make the news any less devastating but at least I could move forward. Feeling that I had reached the end when I wasn't ready to was hell. Like you I gave him space and didn't even mention next steps and he came around quickly on his own.  Today he came to me and said we will try again.  I hope with time and space that the two of you will decide the rights steps for you.  Counselling is a fantastic idea, I was able to get my husband to go after his diagnosis when he was prepared to just accept a child free life.  In his mind it was his problem and therefore his decision  and it really helped us understand each other move forward.

 

It seems that you have a great network around you.  Good for you! I hope you get a lot of comfort from them through the holidays and moving forward. After years of struggling with infertility I started to close myself off and push people away.  In any event I realize isolation isn't the answer.



#9 ven73

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 08:23 AM

Hope, I'm so happy to read your post and that you and your husband have found your way to next steps. It gives me hope that we too will find our way. Also thank you for the reminder to not isolate myself, because that tends to be my go to when I'm feeling down.

 

I think what I find the most difficult is the inability to move on, I've always been so good at it..."accept the things that I cannot change". Today is a year I had my ectopic surgery and it still hurts so much. I just want to focus on having a happy holiday with my new family this year...but still feel sad and angry.

 

Thanks for taking the time to share.

 

xoxo