(Warning for talk about pregnancies, babies and just general annoyed talk.)
Anyone else out there dreading the holidays?
We're gearing up to start our first IVF cycle on the 29th of December, and I am doing OK emotionally - I set some strict rules for most of the last couple of months (no googling IVF or infertility topics, I refused to step foot in our clinic for anything - so DH had to drop off any payments or pick up any paperwork). I just needed a time out.
Then, the holidays snuck up. And as I am trying to get my head in the game and prepare for our big steps, my cousin is about to pop with baby #2. And she hasn't exactly been kind or considerate. She knows how stressed and miserable IF has made me - so she is constantly sending me updates on her pregnancy, or complaining about how hard it is to be pregnant with another child at home and how tired she is. Or freaking out to me - "I think I am having a contraction!" I just want to scream sometimes "Know your audience!" I am sure she has lots of friends who will give her a kind, patient, sympathetic ear - but I am not that person right now.
And then, my sister in law - who is the closest thing to a saint I know - will be arriving with her three beautiful, perfect children. Their third was just born in July and I am so stinking jealous. It's like they think about having a baby and one pops out. I hate being so jealous because they are such wonderful people - but looking at them, looking at their children - it kills me a little inside. (We are an interracial couple - and my brother and sister-in-law are as well, and well - we're not a common mix. So their children are a perfect preview of what our children will look like - and a constant reminder, too.) Last year, my SIL had just announced her pregnancy and I avoided her all but Christmas Day - this year, I have to find a way to step up but I just don't know how. And I feel awful about it. Is there some sort of "don't be a jealous cow but stop hurting so much" pill I can take?
I just needed to vent, I think.