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2 years in and just about ready to be done with it all


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#1 theshortgirl

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Posted 08 September 2016 - 03:46 PM

Hello all, 

 

My husband and I have been ttc for about 2 years now. We initially tried naturally for 6 months, then went to a specialist and found out that both my tubes are partially blocked and I have "lean" PCOS. Meaning, as an Asian woman, I don't have the usual side effects of PCOS like weight gain and hair growth, but I do not produce enough hormones to ovulate on my own. We've tried IUI, then went on to IVF. Long story short, we were able to successfully get 2 embryos, 1 was a FET and technically that worked in that it implanted and I was pregnant for 5 weeks. But week 6 check up showed no signs of a heartbeat so Dr. recommended we stay cautiously optimistic that maybe the fetus just needed another week to grow and show signs of a heartbeat. Following week, week 7, still no heartbeat. The Dr. formally announced that I had miscarried... On top of that, when I was passing the tissue, not all of it passed and so I had an additional 3 weeks reminder of the loss with a severe case of morning (more like all day) sickness. So finally, I had to get a d&c to clear out the rest of the tissue and finally get on track to recovery. 

 

Through it all, I had stayed fairly hopeful and optimistic. I haven't let myself linger on the "why me?" because really, what's the point? I have the medical reasons and there's nothing more I can do to change that. I've accepted it all, and have done all I could to make pregnancy a reality despite the challenges.

 

After the miscarriage, I took 3 months off to physically and emotionally recover from all the IVF madness. Then we decided to try getting pregnant with the help of letrozole. 3 months in and nothing... It's been a total of 6 additional months now since the miscarriage and I've just about reached my limit. 

 

It's not the end of the line for us yet since we still have 1 frozen embryo, but honestly, I'm scared that it'll ended badly again... What if it doesn't implant? What if I miscarry again? This infertility issue has been on my mind constantly for 2 years and I'm really feeling the weight of it and the crushing despair now. 

 

I guess I don't know what I want to, or expect to hear about how to deal with this... I had been telling myself that we'll do all that we can (we agreed we would try as far as IVF) and if pregnancy is not in the cards for us, then at least I will be comforted with the truth that we've done what we could. Adoption had always been something my husband and I had wanted to do, whether or not we had biological children, so we figured we would try to get pregnant first, but if that doesn't happen, then adoption will be our path to growing our family. I do find comfort in that, but I'm having a hard time letting go of the desire to have a child of my own... More so the desire to carry my own child. 

 

There's so much fear and hope mixed in together that I'm confused and exhausted. It's not totally the end of the road for us, but that makes it almost worse because there's no closure. Really, it's the finances that keeps us from going through another full round of IVF. 

 

Uggg... I just want to stop thinking about it all. It's not as easy as telling myself it's a mind over matter issue, but on the other hand, it kind of is... Only I can change my mindset, but how?? See the dilemma?? 



#2 CdnHockeyGal

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Posted 08 September 2016 - 04:59 PM

Hi shortgirl (love your screen name)...I'm really sorry for you loss...the ups & downs of TTC with ART are an incredible roller coaster...and sometimes it feels like the falls are far too numerous to count.  I'm glad you've found us...I think you'll find this community to be warm, supportive and full of friendly ears who are all or have all gone through similar circumstances.  Best of luck in journey!


  • theshortgirl likes this

We've tried lots of things for a long time. None of them have resulted in a viable pregnancy.


#3 amazing grace

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Posted 08 September 2016 - 06:06 PM

I am sorry that you like many of us find yourself struggling with this, it is not an easy road and often times, one is left bruised and confused by it all. The ups and downs are enough to send one spiraling down a dark path. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone and in fact, there are women who have been at this for much longer, like me for example, not that your time is not important. Regardless of time span, we all feel the same pain and the same longing. It seems that you have a positive outlook on this overall and have plans and I wish you get your miracle soon.


  • nervus optimist, kristeen033 and theshortgirl like this

#4 nervus optimist

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Posted 08 September 2016 - 08:41 PM

Welcome, though I'm sorry that you're here, I'm glad that you found us. You are not alone. I can say that several times through my journey I took very very long breaks. I needed them to make sure that IF didn't consume me. My husband and I also felt extremely open to adoption, in fact, even before we were married we planned to build a family through biology and adoption. We knew that we needed ART to get PG so we skipped straight to it, but were of course shocked when that didn't work right away, and had multiple losses. After 2 years doing ART we took a break from that and went full force working towards building our family through adoption. After 2 years of that we went back to ART with the gift of donor embryos. After one more loss and really questioning if parenthood would ever find us we were successful and had our beautiful son. I don't share this as some sort of contest, because it's not, but only to let you know that you are not alone in any of this. And that you never know which corner or turn or step will be the one that will lead to your family's miracle. Give yourself permission to live and take breaks, and if you feel you can give it one more shot, then do that. I personally try not to think about the next step after that 'what if it doesn't work, what next' because for me it isn't helpful, but for many others that is what gets them through their current cycle is planning for the next one. There is no right or wrong way to do any of it. Do what is right for you and your partner.

 

Wishing you lots of luck 

:flowers:


  • lumnay and theshortgirl like this

I am 37, DH - 38
Genetic - IVF&PGD to prevent Genetic Disorder
IVF #1 - Nov/08 - MC @ 6 weeks, no embryos frozen
IVF #2 - Aug/09 - bfn
IUI #1 - Feb/10 - ectopic
PRIDE - Apr/10
Homestudy - July/10
Given the gift of donor embryos - Jan/12
Donor FET Jun/12 - 9 weeks - no heartbeat... MC
Donor FET Oct/12 - we're PG biggrin.png

===> Beautiful baby boy born 2013 babyboy.gif

Donor FET Oct/16 - chemical

April 2017 - surprise PG


#5 theshortgirl

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Posted 08 September 2016 - 10:08 PM

Thank you ladies for your kind and encouraging words. I agree that it's time for me to take a break... I'm not unhappy with my life and I'm not looking to fill some kind of void with a baby, but the stresses of infertility has finally gotten the best of me. We are planning on doing an FET (we have one left) in October/November and if that doesn't stick, I think I'll take a real break for at least several months where we don't try or worry about any of our infertility issues. 


  • nervus optimist likes this

#6 nervus optimist

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Posted 09 September 2016 - 10:54 AM

Thank you ladies for your kind and encouraging words. I agree that it's time for me to take a break... I'm not unhappy with my life and I'm not looking to fill some kind of void with a baby, but the stresses of infertility has finally gotten the best of me. We are planning on doing an FET (we have one left) in October/November and if that doesn't stick, I think I'll take a real break for at least several months where we don't try or worry about any of our infertility issues. 

 

You'll love it. Take a really adventurous holiday. Take a class. Do a renovation project. All the things you wouldn't do if you were planning a cyle in the near future. And if/when you're ready to try again, the clinics will always be ready to help you out!

 

:flowers:


  • lumnay and theshortgirl like this

I am 37, DH - 38
Genetic - IVF&PGD to prevent Genetic Disorder
IVF #1 - Nov/08 - MC @ 6 weeks, no embryos frozen
IVF #2 - Aug/09 - bfn
IUI #1 - Feb/10 - ectopic
PRIDE - Apr/10
Homestudy - July/10
Given the gift of donor embryos - Jan/12
Donor FET Jun/12 - 9 weeks - no heartbeat... MC
Donor FET Oct/12 - we're PG biggrin.png

===> Beautiful baby boy born 2013 babyboy.gif

Donor FET Oct/16 - chemical

April 2017 - surprise PG