My husband and I have been ttc for about 2 years now. We initially tried naturally for 6 months, then went to a specialist and found out that both my tubes are partially blocked and I have "lean" PCOS. Meaning, as an Asian woman, I don't have the usual side effects of PCOS like weight gain and hair growth, but I do not produce enough hormones to ovulate on my own. We've tried IUI, then went on to IVF. Long story short, we were able to successfully get 2 embryos, 1 was a FET and technically that worked in that it implanted and I was pregnant for 5 weeks. But week 6 check up showed no signs of a heartbeat so Dr. recommended we stay cautiously optimistic that maybe the fetus just needed another week to grow and show signs of a heartbeat. Following week, week 7, still no heartbeat. The Dr. formally announced that I had miscarried... On top of that, when I was passing the tissue, not all of it passed and so I had an additional 3 weeks reminder of the loss with a severe case of morning (more like all day) sickness. So finally, I had to get a d&c to clear out the rest of the tissue and finally get on track to recovery.
Through it all, I had stayed fairly hopeful and optimistic. I haven't let myself linger on the "why me?" because really, what's the point? I have the medical reasons and there's nothing more I can do to change that. I've accepted it all, and have done all I could to make pregnancy a reality despite the challenges.
After the miscarriage, I took 3 months off to physically and emotionally recover from all the IVF madness. Then we decided to try getting pregnant with the help of letrozole. 3 months in and nothing... It's been a total of 6 additional months now since the miscarriage and I've just about reached my limit.
It's not the end of the line for us yet since we still have 1 frozen embryo, but honestly, I'm scared that it'll ended badly again... What if it doesn't implant? What if I miscarry again? This infertility issue has been on my mind constantly for 2 years and I'm really feeling the weight of it and the crushing despair now.
I guess I don't know what I want to, or expect to hear about how to deal with this... I had been telling myself that we'll do all that we can (we agreed we would try as far as IVF) and if pregnancy is not in the cards for us, then at least I will be comforted with the truth that we've done what we could. Adoption had always been something my husband and I had wanted to do, whether or not we had biological children, so we figured we would try to get pregnant first, but if that doesn't happen, then adoption will be our path to growing our family. I do find comfort in that, but I'm having a hard time letting go of the desire to have a child of my own... More so the desire to carry my own child.
There's so much fear and hope mixed in together that I'm confused and exhausted. It's not totally the end of the road for us, but that makes it almost worse because there's no closure. Really, it's the finances that keeps us from going through another full round of IVF.
Uggg... I just want to stop thinking about it all. It's not as easy as telling myself it's a mind over matter issue, but on the other hand, it kind of is... Only I can change my mindset, but how?? See the dilemma??