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The stress is almost too much sometimes

stress work family renovations

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#1 OneBigSigh

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 12:37 PM

Hi There,

 

This is my first post, and I just need to vent and get this out. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 3 1/2 years. We have been doing fertility treatment for a year and a half. We were told that only IVF with ICSI would work for our case. My husband has a low count and I have a small version of PCOS

 

I have had 2 failed transfers, one was a straight negative and the second one ended in a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. We heard conflicting things after each transfer didn't work. I was told after the first one that we might not be able to have children using my husband's sperm, which destroyed me. But after the second we were given a little hope that just maybe we could have a baby that is genetically ours. This has been a complete mind f***! I have to have surgery in August to remove a polyp that they found after my miscarriage, which may of possibly caused me to have a miscarriage. The fertility issues alone are stressful. 

 

Besides the fertility stress we also are renovating, and have been for the last 5 years. But also we work for his parents. They were great in the beginning. Saying I can work from home when I have kids. No one plans on having issues conceiving. They were okay when we told them we had to have fertility appointments. Unless it messes with their plans if they want to not be in the office. And I should probably tell you that this only applies to me and my husband. Every other employee can have the random time off. I am paid hourly, so if I don't work I don't get paid. Which is fine. I should also mention that they have another son who gets paid a salary but doesn't work at all. The double standards are very stressful to handle. My husband and his dad are actually okay with me working from home, it's his mom that has the issue for some reason. She doesn't understand the stress and the dark cloud that is hanging over my head all the time. I can't flip the switch to be okay with all of this. I always have the option to get stress leave from a doctor, but I would rather not go that route. I just can't handle the lies. They say they are okay for my time off, but then when it happens they make it into such a big deal that I just get so angry. I've never had to deal with people like this, family wise. I can tell my family I've had enough with their comments and they will stop, but I can't do the same thing with my in-laws. This has started to make any relationship with them outside of work nearly impossible for me. 

 

What would you do in my position? How would you approach this issue with your in-laws? Because the economy is so shaky right now, I am not in a position to find a new job and I would hate to find a new job while going through fertility treatment. 

 

Thank you for listening 


  • CdnHockeyGal likes this

Me ( 31 ) DH ( 31 ) : Male Factor.

 

FET #1. Transferred 2 Day 3 Sept 9, 2015.

Sept.20, 2015 - Negative.

 

FET #2. Started Superfact Jan.4,2016. Added Estrace Jan.13, 2016. U/S Jan.25, 2016 to check lining. Jan. 28, 2016 Transferred 2 3 day. Feb. 7, 2016 BETA #1 Positive - 132. Feb. 11,2016 BETA # 2 - 243

March 4, 2016 - U/S for heartbeat. Sac found no heartbeat. 

March 26, 2016 - Missed miscarriage @10wks. Baby stopped developing @5wks.

July 8/16 - SIS. Found a polyp on uterus. Surgery booked Aug 10/16.

Oct 27/16 : ERA biopsy taken, Just waiting for results....

Nov 18/16 : Results are in, I am receptive on my transfer date

 

FET #3. Started Suprefact Dec.26,2016. Added Estrace Jan 7th. U/S Jan 20th for lining check. Added 2 estrace twice a day to grow lining. U/S Jan 22nd, lining is good. Transferred last 2 Jan 26th. 1st Beta Feb 6th - 70. 2nd Beta Feb 8th - 79. 3rd Beta Feb 12th - 429 or 492 (Can't remember which)


#2 CdnHockeyGal

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 01:14 PM

Hi BigSigh,

 

I am so sorry you find yourself here with us...trying to find the magic solution in a very stressful time.  Your post really spoke to me as I work in a family business as well.  Modest difference as I have purchased the business from my parents so mine is the only opinion that matters...but...they are still far more involved and critical than I would like.  We would have massive fights about the time off and frankly I didn't feel like sharing the details of every appt, etc...I am entitled to some privacy.  Long story short...I've had to very clearly and with as much diplomacy as possible...tell them to FO and MYOB on many occasions.  We really do not have a relationship with my parents but that is their loss...not mine.

 

I can't speak knowledgeably as to the labour laws in AB but I think it would be worth educating yourself as to your rights as an employee and perhaps consider providing a doctor's notes for appts, etc.  Can't argue with labour laws.  :)

 

This is definitely a large conversation that requires much thought due to the delicacy of the multiple stakeholders.  Hoping you and your husband can navigate a coping strategy that addresses the support you need while maintaining a respectful relationship.


  • mouse, Ola1981, lumnay and 1 other like this

We've tried lots of things for a long time. None of them have resulted in a viable pregnancy.


#3 OneBigSigh

OneBigSigh
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  • Interests:Reading, Crafting, Cooking, My Fur Babies
  • Dx:Male Factor
  • My Clinic:Edmonton Fertility Clinic

Posted 27 July 2016 - 01:44 PM

CdnHockeyGal,

 

Thank you for responding. I believe sometimes they don't stop to think about the consequences of their actions when it comes to what they say or do. Eventually the company will be my husband's, it's just waiting to see when it happens that is hard. They expect my husband and I to be like them one day. But we have no drive to make life about work all the time. The fertility treatment means we think that any children we have will be our first priority. I have always understood that they do want to slowly retire which started 5 years ago. But it's frustrating because they keep adding offices in other cities and making it bigger but also still stepping away a much as they were before. My husband wants me out of the company if they won't let me work from home. Even occasionally. 

 

We hate feeling selfish in wanting me to have more flexibility. But if my mental health is suffering, I feel like I have to put myself first. 

 

They have all these opinions about stress and how to handle it. How do you tell someone I would actually love to be stressed out and have kids then be stressed out trying to have kids? The little comments are like little stabs to the heart. They never had any trouble having kids or had miscarriages. But they still think they can tell me how I should feel. 

 

My husband keeps telling me we will have a meeting with them and make them understand, but all it's all words right now and no action.

 

Thank you so much for listening. This has helped me a lot. 


  • lumnay likes this

Me ( 31 ) DH ( 31 ) : Male Factor.

 

FET #1. Transferred 2 Day 3 Sept 9, 2015.

Sept.20, 2015 - Negative.

 

FET #2. Started Superfact Jan.4,2016. Added Estrace Jan.13, 2016. U/S Jan.25, 2016 to check lining. Jan. 28, 2016 Transferred 2 3 day. Feb. 7, 2016 BETA #1 Positive - 132. Feb. 11,2016 BETA # 2 - 243

March 4, 2016 - U/S for heartbeat. Sac found no heartbeat. 

March 26, 2016 - Missed miscarriage @10wks. Baby stopped developing @5wks.

July 8/16 - SIS. Found a polyp on uterus. Surgery booked Aug 10/16.

Oct 27/16 : ERA biopsy taken, Just waiting for results....

Nov 18/16 : Results are in, I am receptive on my transfer date

 

FET #3. Started Suprefact Dec.26,2016. Added Estrace Jan 7th. U/S Jan 20th for lining check. Added 2 estrace twice a day to grow lining. U/S Jan 22nd, lining is good. Transferred last 2 Jan 26th. 1st Beta Feb 6th - 70. 2nd Beta Feb 8th - 79. 3rd Beta Feb 12th - 429 or 492 (Can't remember which)


#4 CdnHockeyGal

CdnHockeyGal
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  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Winnipeg
  • Interests:Hockey, baseball, travel & starting a family
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  • My Clinic:Heartland, Sanford, SIRM

Posted 27 July 2016 - 03:00 PM

I find myself routinely amazed at the persuasive belief that despite having no experience with a topic one an have a valid opinion.  I've always thought that takes a lot of hubris personally.  ;)

 

You're absolutely correct that your mental health is the most important and this will always be the most important thing you do in your life.  You'll need to be able to look back and feel you did the best you could.

 

I wish it was as simple as "making" someone understand...but I fear it's unlikely that's possible.  As much as they may love you and your husband they have preconceived beliefs and no life experience in the subject matter at hand.  As an example I can no more make someone who truly believes that women belong in the home an enlightened individual by sharing with them the many professional accomplishments of notable woman.  We can agree to disagree...we can interact with respect...but we will never share the same viewpoint.

 

All the best as you navigate this difficult path.


  • lumnay likes this

We've tried lots of things for a long time. None of them have resulted in a viable pregnancy.






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