its been a couple years since I have been on here, last time I was I was doing a FET which resulted in a chemical pregnancy. Since then my husband and I decided to take a break and focus on other things in life such as work, and building a house and all that goes with that.
Anyways so now its been 2 years since we have really talked about anything baby related and lately it seems like its all I can think of but we are not even close to being able to afford it and i'm now 30 which is making me panic more and I know at least 4 pregnant women right now and I just can't help but feel lost.
Its so hard that there is no funding (I live in Calgary) and my husband and I make pretty good money and in this economy having a job is more than some, its so frustrating. People say things to me like, just save your money - do you know how hard it is to save 13K when you don't have a surplus of extra income? and things come up, vehicle maintenance, sick pets, husband gets sick and has to take time off work.. life happens in the midst of wanting something so bad that you can't imagine never having it yet living with the reality that you probably never will.. yes can we scrape every penny aside and eat hot dogs everyday just to save, sure.. but that would still take us 2 years to save, I don't shop everyday, I don't buy frivolous things that are a waste of money, we are also trying to pay off debt from our younger years and trying to ensure a good future ahead.
I feel this Massive guilt (its 100% my body that's broken - my DH is healthy) I have tried to leave my DH so he can start over with someone who can have babies, but the bugger wont let me LOL - he's a good one. Its so frustrating, i'm just so sad.
I have been very strong with my infertility, thankfully I know exactly why I can't get pregnant so that comes with some comfort and understanding - unknown would be so difficult - so with that I am very vocal about infertility and how it affects me and talk to people all the time, whoever will listen just get the word out there. but for whatever reason (I think since I now know so many preggos at once) I came home yesterday and my DH just say " OH! __________ is pregnant" and I literally said nothing, let that sink in for 1 second and had a serious mental breakdown and started bawling like a little kid. I couldn't control it - its like I stayed strong so long that was the straw that broke the camels back and I just collapsed, it was awful, my DH and I ended in a argument (he admits now he didn't handle that situation well at all) [mind you I have never reacted that way to that news before] and it was terrible and we talked a lot last night and just realize that we have to stay the course and focus on what we plan to do, get out of debt then weigh our options. that's 3 years.. THREE YEARS!!! Ill be 33.. the doc told me that my ovary is aging quicker than I am im so afraid if we wait it will be too late but we have no money!!!
Ugh I am just so sad, not crying has been an all day battle today and I just feel sick.. I don't understand how even medical plans can't cover SOMETHING...
im going to leave it there - im sure none of that makes any sense I just needed to vent so bad, I don't like to keep things in and unfortunately am stuck at work so I need some release of this frustration!!
Ps. I am truly very happy for our friends who are pregnant.