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Feeling like the WORST person in the world..


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#1 East to west

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Posted 21 March 2016 - 09:23 AM

I got the wonderful news that my only brother and his wife are pregnant (naturally, after about 6 months of trying) with their first child and the first grand-child on my side of the family. They told my husband and I privately over Skype 2 days ago. Most women would say they are so happy for the couple, offer congratulations, and say how excited they were at the prospect of being an aunty. I did those things, and then about 1 minute into the typical questions ("when are you due? How long have you known? How do you feel?"), it all went down hill. FAST. 

 

My ears started ringing, the room felt like it was closing in on me, and I couldn't breathe. And then just before I could dart away from behind the I-pad, the sobbing (loud, ugly sobbing!) began and I cried out "I am so happy for you, but this is so hard for me to hear right now" and I ran to my bedroom and broke-down. My husband was left to awkwardly finish the conversation...

 

I have been through hard things in my life, but I can honestly say I have never EVER been so upset. I sobbed like I've never sobbed before. I think my husband was in shock! Once I got control of my emotional outburst, I felt like the worst person in the world. How can I be so sad for myself when something so happy is happening for the people I love?

 

I think I know why.

 

I am in the midst of my first IVF/FET cycle after TTC for 3.5 years. 

 

I am on the high doses of estrace in preparation for my first FET and I find out tomorrow if my lining is ready. 

 

I have to fly across Canada for said FET and will be seeing my parents, brother, and his newly pregnant wife while I am there. 

 

And well, because infertility is a soul-sucking emotional roller-coaster! 

 

I sent my brother an email the next morning to apologize and explain myself as best I could. I know they did the right thing by (1) telling me and (2) telling me in private (not next week when the family is all together). They seem very understanding of my reaction and did not take it personally. 

 

I really hope this first FET works because it is going to be one hell of a long year watching them get the one thing I want so badly and am currently fighting so hard for. I feel like a crap person for feeling this way, but I can't help it. 

 

Any one out there been in my shoes? Does it get easier? How did you cope?

 

Thanks 

 


  • theshortgirl likes this
Me and husband: 34, married 8 years
TTC: 3.5 years
Me: PCOS Hubs: poor count, poor morph, poor motility (double whammy!)
IUI x 1 October 2015, BFN
IVF with ICSI January 2016- freeze all for CCS testing (in STAR study= 1st embryo used will either CCS tested and normal or best looking via tradional assessment)
FET#1: March 31, BFP! Beta April 11?

#2 Aiglee

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Posted 21 March 2016 - 10:57 AM

Oh gosh, don't feel bad AT ALL. It is absolutely normal. You are human, going through this sucks, and you just reacted like a normal human being.

 

I was also going through cycles when my sister told me she was pregnant (I dont remember if I was in the middle of one though). She told me with my mom and my other sister over skype and all I did when they said the words was cry. I cried and cried and cried in front of them, trying to calm down and tell them I was happy for her. No words came out of me, and you know what they said to me? "We know..."... If your family knows what you are going through, they understand. They understand you are happy for them, but you are also sad for you, it is normal and most people go through this. Give yourself some grace.

 

I can tell you it will be hard to see her pregnant, specially if the FET does not work out (mine didn't). I did what I had to do to take care of me. I told my family not to send me pictures, I told them to please not tell me anything about the pregnancy unless I asked. I did everything I could and even though it was hard, they understood and it helped me go through it. You can do it, just ask for the things you need, and forgive yourself, let yourself feel how you feel.


  • gibasgirl, ladylazarus, East to west and 1 other like this

TTC since 2012 (plus 2 years around 2008/2010). I'm 37 years old, husband is 27. 
 
Karma:

Unexplained Infertility. 3 Failed IUIs with injectables in 2014. IVF #1: 5 day embryo transferred, 1 frozen. BFN. FET #1: 1 6 day embryo 2AB. BFN
 
One Fertility:
Finally have a diagnosis, DOR. AMH of 5.8 (Canadian). IVF #2: 2 eggs fertilized (ICSI), transferred 2 day 3 embryos. BFN

 

Adoption with CAS:

Private PRIDE Training: September 2015

Private Home Study: January 2016 - March 2016 smile.png

Adopt Ready: May 3, 2016

Adopted a baby boy! Home since November 6th, adopted since November 30th.


#3 mouse

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Posted 21 March 2016 - 11:05 AM

((East-to-west)) be gentle with yourself.


  • gibasgirl and East to west like this
The plural of anecdote is not data.

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#4 farmwife

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Posted 21 March 2016 - 11:32 AM

Big hugs to you my dear. They are your emotions and it's how you feel, never apologize for that. It's definitely a rough situation to be in and I think we have all been there.

 

My worst experience was when we went to our neighbors daughter's birthday party. There was 7 women in the room, 1 gal had 2 kids and her family was done, myself (who had miscarried 6 weeks prior (FET) and was still dealing with retained product issues) and 5 other women who were all pregnant (with their 2 or 3 child) or had a newborn (one of which I was really happy for as she had much troubles getting  pregnant), I felt exactly like you did, then it came, the question I dreaded (and of course from the mom that had 2 kids and no issues) and is just 'one of those' that is nosey, oh isn't it time for another one? Yeah I'll get right on that, it only took me 3 years and a pile of drugs and money for one, and I flat out said (in front of everyone) what my situation was and shut her up. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

 

Infertility f*&#s with a person like that, it changes you, it may not define you but it becomes apart of who you are. Maybe for some it gets easier over time, maybe after their journey is complete, I don't know. But what I did learn and wish I would have sooner, is put yourself first. If you don't want updates or pictures then simply say that. If you don't want to go to an event, then don't. You are already in a stressful enough situation, don't add more. Be kind to yourself. Much love.


  • ladylazarus, East to west and theshortgirl like this

Beautiful little boy thanks to IVF; Now project sibling; It's been a bumpy road so far.... Journey details in 'About Me'


#5 EverHopefull!

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Posted 21 March 2016 - 01:01 PM

Your reaction was totally normal.  And no, it doesn't get easier, but you'll get better at controlling those knee-jerk reactions (or hopefully your FET will work out and you won't have to smile.png). 

 

No matter how you reacted in the moment you did good by explaining to them what happened, so if your brother and SIL aren't worried about it then you should let yourself off the hook too.  Generally I would say that you don't need to explain yourself at all, but I also understand that you don't want to ruin something that is a happy event for someone you love either.  So like Mouse said, be gentle with yourself.  I'm sure your brother and SIL understand that it's possible for you to be happy for them at the same time as being sad for you.  Happy and sad aren't mutually exclusive.

 

Good luck with your FET!


  • ladylazarus and East to west like this

TTC since December 2004

One successful IVF

Many, many unsuccessful IF treatments

Finally a successful DE cycle!  babyEver is due July 1st.

 


#6 lily84

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Posted 21 March 2016 - 01:05 PM

Huge hugs to you dear. You are allowed to feel how you feel, and react the way you need to. As others have said, it's ok to put yourself 1st.

We had just learned that DH's reversal was a failure when we found out my ungrateful selfish younger sister was pregnant with her 3rd. We're estranged so we kept having to hear about it through common acquaintances. Some days I just wanted to tear a strip off of people who mentioned it.

I definitely think differently now. And most people who have announced pregnancies, I have been genuinely happy for them since you never know how their journey was either.

Take care of yourself and best of luck with your FET.
  • East to west likes this
Me: PCOS DH: failed reversal
Oct '15 - PESA successful!
Nov '15 - Freeze all IVF w/ ICSI due to high OHSS risk = 4 embryos on ice.
Jan 22, '16 - FET 1 beautiful blast BFP on HPT at 7dp5dt!!! - Beta 682 at 12dp5dt!
7w3d U/S showed baby right on target with a HB of 150.
21w1d U/S showed lively yet stubborn baby with a HB 139. Team Green!
Edd - Oct 9th
Baby girl born Oct 17th! 6lbs14oz

#7 dragnfly

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Posted 22 March 2016 - 02:35 AM

Easttowest - ((you)) We have all been there, and have all had our breakdown while trying so hard to put on a happy face. Just because you are sad for your own situation (totally ok, by the way) does not mean you are not happy for them. You are not a bad person. Go easy on yourself, you ARE pumped full of hormones right now to top off the emotional Rollercoaster.

Years ago when my BF called to announce her 3rd "unplanned" (some women make it seem so easy) pregnancy, I smiled and laughed with her and told her how happy I was for her (& I truly was) But then I hung up the phone & had a complete emotional breakdown at work. I told her a month later when I saw her in person & she was so understanding.

Good luck with your lining check, just had mine so we might be going through the 2ww together.
  • East to west likes this
Me:36/DH:36
TOGETHER 20 YEARS, MARRIED 11

TTC for 10 years
Surgery in Feb 2015 to remove large fibroid, polyps, & cysts

1st IVF ER in Sept 2015- 10 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilized w/ ICSI, 2 blastosysts initially frozen,one embryo did not survive thaw for PGS testing ( very poor grade)

2nd IVF ER in Nov 2015- 22 eggs, 13 mature, 9 fertilized w/ICSI, 5 blastocysts, 6 total sent out for PGS, 1 missing a chromosome, 2 monosomies & 3 passed test with good grades

1st FET - January 17th 2016, BFN 1-31-16, looks like it may have been a chemical

3/8/16 - SHG all clear
2nd FET - 3/28/16...officially PUPO!
4/5/16 - BFP on HPT
4/7/16 - no longer just PUPO, Beta = 314
4/11/16 - 2nd beta = 3225!!
4/20/16 - 6 weeks, 1st u/s. 4mm, measuring 6w1d, heartbeat = 112bpm!
5/4/16 - 8 weeks, 2nd u/s. 16mm,measuring 8w1d, heartbeat = 175bpm
5/18/16 - 10 weeks, 3rd u/s. 1 1/2 inches, measuring 10w5d (big baby), 180bpm

#8 East to west

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Posted 22 March 2016 - 05:30 AM

Thank you so much for all your kind words and sharing your similar stories. It has helped me immensely to know I am not alone and I am not a horrible person! 


Me and husband: 34, married 8 years
TTC: 3.5 years
Me: PCOS Hubs: poor count, poor morph, poor motility (double whammy!)
IUI x 1 October 2015, BFN
IVF with ICSI January 2016- freeze all for CCS testing (in STAR study= 1st embryo used will either CCS tested and normal or best looking via tradional assessment)
FET#1: March 31, BFP! Beta April 11?

#9 quandry

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Posted 22 March 2016 - 07:34 AM

Hugs hugs hugs.

I've had so many of those moments... First was just after a loss at seven weeks, we went to an Xmas party to find one of dhs childhood friends pregnant and die the same day I would have been. I was so hurt inside but had no place to go to let it out.

A few months later, while dealing with the end of a chemical pregnancy we were at a huge function. So not only was the pregnant friend there, but also dhs pregnant sister in law. I was a mess and spent half the time hiding in a bathroom crying. I never would have shared how I felt with dhs family because I would have been looked down upon for any feelings of sadness or loss.

I'm so glad you had the space to really feel. And that your family understood. What a great gift, even if it's because of tragedy.
  • East to west likes this

See about me page.

 

 


#10 East to west

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Posted 22 March 2016 - 10:18 AM

Quandry, I am sorry you have to keep your feelings stifled for fear of being judged by your in-laws. That must be so hard. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being one of the very amazing women on this site!


Me and husband: 34, married 8 years
TTC: 3.5 years
Me: PCOS Hubs: poor count, poor morph, poor motility (double whammy!)
IUI x 1 October 2015, BFN
IVF with ICSI January 2016- freeze all for CCS testing (in STAR study= 1st embryo used will either CCS tested and normal or best looking via tradional assessment)
FET#1: March 31, BFP! Beta April 11?

#11 Frannie2012

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Posted 22 March 2016 - 07:05 PM

Don't feel bad...it's only human and natural. My husband and I found out 2 weeks before Christmas that we needed to do IVF, as all less invasive things had not worked. Christmas Day my brother tells me that his 44 year old wife was acidentally pregnant with their 3rd child. I was in the middle of basting the turkey and I almost fell in the oven. I was 32 at the time, so hearing that was hard.

I politely congratulated them...then poured a glass of wine and cried in the garage....I made up an excuse about onions to explain my red eyes.

Unless you've experienced infertility you don't understand the pain. You are human....you're allowed to breakdown.

Sending you strength and positive vibes...
  • East to west likes this

Me: 33

DH: 35

 

TTC since Sept. 2011

 

Aug. 2012 - DX with PCOS (started metformin)

Aug. 2012 - Oct 2012 - clomid + trigger , timed X2 - BFN

Oct 2012-Jan 2013 - clomid + trigger IUI X3 - BFN

 

Took a break until the spring to begin IVF -

 

June 1 - Started BCPs

June 24 - Start stimming....75iu meopur, 75iu puregon

June 27- (moved up to 100iu of puregon)

June 29 (moved up to 150 iu of puregon)

July 1 - scan...6-10 follicles expected on ER day

July 3 - last day of stimming, HCG trigger

July 5 - ER.....8 Retrived, 5 mature, 5 fertilized

July 7 - 5 embryos

July 8 - ET (2, grade 1 embryos transferred), 3 embryos to be frozen (1 - grade 1, 2 - grade 2)

 

July 22 - BFP!!! 

July 24 - Beta repeated - numbers doubling....fingers crossed for a healthy pregnancy!!


#12 Kadima

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Posted 03 July 2016 - 07:10 PM

SAme thing happened to me in April. My SIL announced that they were pregnant with their second (i think they got pregnant their first month... just like with the first kid). All i could muster was a "congratulations" before i started sobbing and hung up the phone. 

This announcement was on the heels of my chemical pregnancy with my second iui (we would have had the same due date)!

 

The truth is, they don't need you to be happy for them. All they did is have sex. When you achieve pregnancy through the means of ART, that's the reason for people to be happy. 

 

don't feel bad. i don't. and they don't seem to care. because they have a baby to make them happy... they don't need me to be. 


TTC since January 2014, first appointment at OFC September 2014-->PCOS, leuteal phase defect, morphology 2.5%

6 cycles of Clomid, successful on the 6th try May 2015

Fetal anomalies lead to a termination at 22 weeks October 2015

January 2016 IUI #1 unsuccessful

March 2016 IUI #2 Chemical

May 2016 IUI #3 Chemical

(All IUIs were with Gonal F 50 IU and Ovidrel)

 

Started estrogen priming protocol for IVF number #1 (funded cycle!)

ER on October 12th, 29 follicles, 26 mature, 24 fertilized with ICSI

Freeze all cycle due to high risk of OHSS. 4 5-day embryos frozen.

Was planning for a medicated FET in January 2017 but somehow miraculously conceived naturally!

First u/s Dec 6th, measuring right on track 6w2d


#13 Wishinandhopin

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Posted 10 July 2016 - 03:46 PM

I am sorry you are going through all this :( I agree with Kadima - they do not need you to be happy for them. You have enough on your shoulders right now, you do not need any more stress, and certainly don't need to feel guilty.

When we found out my DH had azoospermia and we would have to use donor sperm, we were devastated and shocked. We found out on a Wednesday. On the Friday 12 of DH's friends came to stay at our house for a weekend reunion. 2 of those couples announced their pregnancy that first night, and proceeded to talk about their pregnancies the entire weekend. I made excuse after excuse to get out of the house... Sometimes just to drive around and cry. I sure they thought I was a rude hostess, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. Your brother knows you are going through a rough time, and he will understand. But if he doesn't, that is his problem, not yours

#14 Elisigurd

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Posted 18 July 2016 - 04:08 AM

I'm sure everyone of us could be in your shoes. Absolutely agree with others. It's okay to react in such a way taking into account your life circumstances. Wish you good luck!



#15 theshortgirl

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Posted 08 September 2016 - 04:16 PM

I got teary eyed reading this thread... I haven't yet had an experience like that but am dreading getting the news that my SIL is pregnant. She already announced that they're going to start trying soon and I have a feeling it's going to happen really fast for them... She's not exactly the type to be mindful of other people's feelings so I can just imagine her announcing to the whole family that she's pregnant while I feel like crawling into a hole and dying. 

 

It is comforting to read all your stories and know that it's ok not to feel great hearing about other people's joyful news.