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Infertility Vets and nearing the end


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#1 gibasgirl

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Posted 16 March 2016 - 08:48 PM

This is a thread for infertility veterans. The ones who tried and tried and tried. The ones who have been stuck on the sidelines watching the parade go by.

 

The experience of infertility changes over time. For many the experience is brief enough that no major harm is done to their hope and sense of self, but the experience may haunt them.

 

This thread, however, is for the ones infertility left behind.

 

The ones for whom thinking positively never worked. The ones who were inspired and motivated by the good fortunes of others, but remain childless. The ones who did "one last cycle" five times but still have empty arms. The ones who can't admit to how many cycles they have actually done in secret. The ones who try to forget their due dates. The ones for whom good wishes simply wash over them like a beautiful foreign language they used to speak long ago, but no longer understand.

 

 

 

I was moved by a blog about grief, shattering, and moving on,

 

http://www.onbeing.o...shattering/8335

 

For a small segment of us we reach a point where we have to stop and walk away from our dream of parenthood.

 

It's not easy. There is a mourning period and you have to build a new house for your new normal in a world that has been turned upside down.

 

ART and adoption is not for the faint of heart. We all enter this place from a perspective of hope: the hope of finding true and lasting love and the hope of building a family. 

 

When it doesn't happen initially, we turn to our doctors for help and are given the solution IUI/IVF and move forward with hope and a feeling in our hearts that it will work out as planned. 

 

For many it does work out that way.

 

For a few it takes several attempts to find the magic.

 

For a small number, the dream is elusive. 

 

We have different exit points or emotional and financial limits but our dreams still live inside of us.


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#2 CdnHockeyGal

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Posted 16 March 2016 - 09:44 PM

This is a thread for infertility veterans. The ones who tried and tried and tried. The ones who have been stuck on the sidelines watching the parade go by.
 
This thread, however, is for the ones infertility left behind.
 
The ones for whom thinking positively never worked. The ones who were inspired and motivated by the good fortunes of others, but remain childless. The ones who did "one last cycle" five times but still have empty arms. The ones who can't admit to how many cycles they have actually done in secret. The ones who try to forget their due dates. The ones for whom good wishes simply wash over them like a beautiful foreign language they used to speak long ago, but no longer understand.


Yes. My name is CHG - I've done 8 cycles and am always melancholy about my due dates.
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We've tried lots of things for a long time. None of them have resulted in a viable pregnancy.


#3 Lula

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Posted 16 March 2016 - 10:46 PM

So true. It is such a private pain...
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#4 Highest hopes

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Posted 17 March 2016 - 12:12 AM

Heartbreaking GG. So well written.
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Dx: Age (40+) & Endometriosis & Tubal & DNA fragmentation

IUI & IVF & FET = BFN
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#5 East to west

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Posted 17 March 2016 - 10:34 AM

Gibasgirl. I am no fertility veteran, but I find your post beautiful and inspiring. I hope that if the day comes that I too am forced to make the difficult decision to end my fertility journey, that I could so with as much grace and openness as so many of you do. 


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Me and husband: 34, married 8 years
TTC: 3.5 years
Me: PCOS Hubs: poor count, poor morph, poor motility (double whammy!)
IUI x 1 October 2015, BFN
IVF with ICSI January 2016- freeze all for CCS testing (in STAR study= 1st embryo used will either CCS tested and normal or best looking via tradional assessment)
FET#1: March 31, BFP! Beta April 11?

#6 EverHopefull!

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Posted 17 March 2016 - 11:20 AM

<3


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TTC since December 2004

One successful IVF

Many, many unsuccessful IF treatments

 


#7 nervus optimist

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Posted 17 March 2016 - 11:45 AM

You always know exactly what to say and just how to say it. So much if it rings so true for me. I have completely blocked from my mind every due date, every cycle date, every miscarriage date, for if I didn't my year every year would be filled with sad reminders of what could have been. I am so grateful to be where I am but to say that the road was hard is such a massive understatement. 

 

flow.gif


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#8 gandere1

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Posted 18 March 2016 - 08:04 PM

I was nodding my head when I read the thread  gibasgirl. Much love. It is a very difficult journey. One that I will never forget. Being able to let go of the what-if's was especially difficult for me.


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Me - 45 DH - 45


#9 gibasgirl

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Posted 23 March 2016 - 01:49 PM

Thank you, ladies.


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#10 gibasgirl

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Posted 23 March 2016 - 01:50 PM

I came across this article about the fact that infertility is a form of bereavement.

 

http://www.acceptinginfertility.com/dont-realise-infertility-form-bereavement/ 


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#11 saggi_amy

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Posted 28 March 2016 - 09:36 PM

 I can totally relate to this..... "The ones who did "one last cycle" five times but still have empty arms."...!!!!


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3 diagnostic laproscopies
last one in June 2007 - diagnosed severe endometriosis stage V
doc removed right tube (completely damaged due to endo)
was put on Lupron depot for 6 months post last lap to supress remaining endo
Irregular periods Oct 2008 - December 2009
Confirmed premature Ovarian failure @ age 28
Got married Oct 2009, TTC since then
No periods since Dec 2009
Met Dr. Virro, Oct 24th 2010 (suggested donor egg IVF)
Had Septum Surgery April 1st., started Estrogen (Day 1- 25) and Progesterone (Day 16-25)
Donor Egg IVF - ER on Dec 3rd 2011, 8 eggs retrieved, 6 fertilized. Day 5, one 2/3 transferred, one frozen.
12dp5dt beta - 80, dropped to 54 the next day.
FET of our one and only frostie - Mar 23rd 2012, started bleeding on 10dp5dt, beta came less than 1

Dr. V suggested immune testing. I am still debating sad.png

 

Had to move to a clinic in the US for my donor's (sister) convenience. 

IVF#2 Fresh Cycle in March 2013  - BFN 

2 frozen embies

FET # 1 - 1 embryo didn't survive the thaw. transferred one good quality embryo - BFN (beta less than 1)

Exploring immune testing before the next IVF 

 

Immune testing completed in Feb 2014. Dr. V suggested 2 LIT and 2 Humira shots. Retest confirmed LIT worked however Humira didn't. Dr. V recommended IVIG which was totally unaffordable for me. I asked if I could try Intralipids instead. 

 

IVF#3, DE - ET on Sep1st (The embryo wasn't a complete blast but close). Did intralipds 2 days before ET. Started Lovenox from 1dp5dt. HPT 6dp5dt - Negative. 2nd HPT 9dp5dt - Negative. Can't believe this! I was really hopeful this time sad.png

 

May 2015 - Dr. V recommended 3 Intralipids 2 weeks apart which brought my cytokines down to 29. Did 1 IVIG a day before FET (June 2015). Also took lovenox, baby aspirin, Folic Acid, Vit D. First Ever BFP!!!! 1st Beta 13dp5dt (over 700!), 2nd Beta 15dp5dt (doubled!). 7 week ultrasound - no heartbeat detected, sac measuring 1 week behind. 8 week ultrasound - very weak heartbeat, still measuring 1 week behind. 9 week ultrasound - no heartbeat detected. Took misoprostal to induce miscarriage cry.gif cry.gif

 

Last and final FET planned for May 2016 eusa_pray.gif eusa_pray.gif eusa_pray.gif eusa_pray.gif

 


#12 gibasgirl

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Posted 29 March 2016 - 07:27 PM

Thank you, it still haunts me.
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#13 gibasgirl

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Posted 14 April 2016 - 07:09 PM

I am fascinated by women who are childfree by choice.

The thing that gives them strength and liberation makes me feel broken and defeated. And stuck.

The article below may not be the best example, but it is written by a woman who is unwaveringly childfree by choice.

http://www.marieclai...hildfree-woman/

#14 gibasgirl

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Posted 18 April 2016 - 06:14 PM

This process tears you apart and shows you your most vulnerable parts.

It changes you and, perhaps, learn something about yourself along the way.

It also shines a light on who your real friends and supporters are.

Attached Files


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#15 BaybeeStruggles

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Posted 24 April 2016 - 12:01 PM

Your post really resonated with me. I am on my one and only ivf with ICSI try in the 2WW after 3 IUI's and many natural medicated cycles in addition to trying naturally. I am so tired and mentally drained. My husband and I are ready to move on without kids at this point. Adoption is not for us as we cannot love with more waiting and potential disapointment. I'm tired of hearing "be patient" or "if it's meant to be, it will". How is not every woman made to be a mother? Watching other members of my family have kids accidentally over and over again. But, I have grown stronger from this experience. I still hope this "last chance" will work out for us but being realistic, I know that if it doesn't, my husband and I will have to seek bereavement counseling. It's been over 4 years that we have been TTC and it is the part that I found out who I really am and who my husband is. Thank you for this post.
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Me: 39 DH: 37
DH: low morphology
TTC since Oct 2011
Natural pregnancy March 2012- Natural miscarriage @ 7 weeks

Feb 2015: IUI#1:CD 3-7 100mg Clomid, CD 8: ultrasound showed 2 follicles (12mm and 15mm), endo lining 8.5mm, CD12: ultrasound showed 2 mature follicles 21.5mm and 18.5mm (4 immature follicles) and endo lining 12.6mm, CD12: Ovidrel Trigger,CD 14: IUI DH results post were: 40 million sperm concentration, 11 million motile with 82% motility, CD 16: CrinoneBlood Test Feb 24 BFN sad.png

April 2015: IUI#2:CD1 (22 March), CD3-7 Serophene (Clomid), CD9: ultrasound showed 4 follicles (19mm, 17mm, 13mm and 10mm) endo lining 7.5mm. CD10: Ovidrel Trigger, CD 12 IUI DH results post wash were: 28 million sperm concentration, 9 million motile with 89% motility, CD14: CrinoneBlood test April 20: BFN

August 2015: IUI#3BFN

April 2016: IVF with ICSI
Microdose Protocol
Lupron, Gonal F, Luveris
6 follies, trigger April 19th, Retrieval April 21

3 follicles retrieved resulting in 2 eggs

Both eggs fertilized and transfered

BETA: May 8th= BF?


#16 Kayte

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Posted 24 April 2016 - 01:39 PM

Bereavement counselling is an excellent idea (and I really like your term for it.) Infertility and pregnancy loss are not disappointments or things to just get over. They are life crises, filled with grief and ebbing and flowing seasons. You deserve to put yourself and your health first. :)

 

Through your clinic or family doctor, you can ask for recommendations for a counsellor specializing in this area. I'm so sorry for your pain and stresses.

 

I thought of this thread when I came across this therapist/life coach's website last night. I found her story and career path fascinating. I realized she has a book, which has 5 star reviews. Right from the title, you can tell she gets it and she's dedicated her life to such issues and patients. Here is the title and author:

 

Ever Upward: Overcoming The Lifelong Losses of Infertility To Define Your Own Happy Ending  (Justine Brooks Froelker)

 

(Her practice is in St. Louis, Missouri if anyone is located near there.)

 

xo


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#17 errantlight

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Posted 11 June 2016 - 04:16 PM

Just feeling out of sorts today and read this to feel less alone in whatever this weird limbo land is between "failed last attempt" and "moving on"...xo
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Me: 40 (38 when started ART) DH: 39

Male factor, low everything including less than 1% morphology, and of course my age. Never been pregnant. TTC since age 36, but not really careful for many years before this. Due to age and severe male factor, went straight to IVF/ICSI. No idea if tubes are blocked.

Sept 2013 - IVF/ICSI #1 - Short protocol - 7 retrieved, 4 mature, 2 fertilized, 3dt of one good looking 8 celled embryo. BFN
Dec 2014/Jan 2015 - IVF/ICSI #2 - Microdose Flare - 16 retrieved, 7 mature, 6 fertilized, 2 good looking blasts frozen, 1 3d embryo transferred - BFN
April 2015 - FET #1 - chemical (hcg 13.4 at 11dp5dt, less than 5 at 13dp5dt)
July 2015 - FET #2 - BFN
Oct 2015 - IVF/ICSI #3 (last try) - Microdose Flare - 9 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 5 fertilized. Two 8-celled (but quite fragmented) embryo's transferred day 3 - BFFN. Somehow one of embies made it into a 4AB blast and is frozen
Mar 2016 - FET #3...I just want this to be done either way so we can move on...


#18 ilovemydogs

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Posted 11 June 2016 - 09:53 PM

Hugs errantlight.
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See "About Me" for details. All treatments failed. Not sure where to go from here.

#19 CdnHockeyGal

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Posted 11 June 2016 - 11:53 PM

Limbo land...sending love to you
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We've tried lots of things for a long time. None of them have resulted in a viable pregnancy.


#20 gibasgirl

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Posted 12 June 2016 - 01:38 AM

(((Errantlight)))

#21 impatient

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Posted 16 June 2016 - 01:30 AM

Gibasgirl,

 

I haven't logged in forever, and I logged in just to say hi to you.

 

These days, my mind and energy has been thrown into other battles, but my 'return to ccp' key chain stays with me.

 

Thinking you, and I hope you find peace/freedom from all the emotions soon.


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Me: 41, DH: 44
TTC: since Jan, 2008 (age 34)

DH: Low morphology, low count. Me: Stage 2-3 endometriosis, non-functional fallopian tubes, small fibroids, low AFC, low poor responder ... anything else?

Jun 2008-Sep 2011 in a nutshell: One HSG, one very traumatic office hysteroscopy, one operative laparoscopy, three fresh IVF/ICSI cycles, one chemical, one early miscarriage, two tubal recanalizations, five IUIs (3 with Clomid).

May 2010 - Aug 2011 Attempted adoption application process through the BC MCFD. Aug 2011 Signed up with a private agency. On both waiting lists as of Apr 2012. Proposal through MCFD Jul 2012. Aug 2012 - Finally ... she's home and we're a family! : )

Adoption application #2 started Aug 2013. DD2 placed May 2014, finalized Feb 2015!


"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Thomas Edison

#22 gibasgirl

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Posted 16 June 2016 - 05:29 AM

Thank you, Impatient.

I use my "return to ccp" keychain every day, too. :)

#23 Melissa182

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Posted 05 July 2016 - 07:30 AM

Hi all,

 

I am 40 and have been TTC since I was 37. I did an FET on June 30th and the embryos were not top grade. I am now 5dp 5dt and the HPT this morning was negative. I know some of you are thinking I have jumped the gun, but this is truly frightening, as I have this round that I am going through and one more after that and then that is it...I won't have a biological child.

 

I am scared to death and almost crying in my office. The embryo grading for the round I am on wasn't good and the next round grading is even worse (BB,BC). The embryologist told me that they were frozen because they hadn't died at the cut-off time, but that the grading indicates that they do not have a good chance. That's from the embryologist. 

 

I know there are women here who have gone through more than I have and I am truly sorry for your pain. I know there are women here who think I am being dramatic or acting prematurely, but I need a safe place to get these feelings out, as none of my friends understand. 

 

Now, at 40, my AMH level is almost zero and three different doctors said they would work with me, but to be prepared for the real possibility of no baby at all since my level is so low that they may only get 1-2 eggs, tops, and at my age they are more likely to have defects. 

 

I am honestly not sure what I think about adoption, but I am leaning towards it not being something I would do. Everyone has their own opinion on adoption. I know for sure I won't do donor eggs.  I am very much beginning a grieving process for not having a biological child. It is its' own distinct thing to be grieved for me, since I always thought I would have a biological child. I always thought that I would and now I am just so sad and scared. So very scared. 


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#24 CdnHockeyGal

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Posted 05 July 2016 - 12:41 PM

I'm so sorry Melissa - the grief of the loss of our dreams can in no way be summed up in a few sentences.  I wish you all the best as you wrestle through the difficult decisions in front of you and decided what the best steps for you are.  ((you))


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We've tried lots of things for a long time. None of them have resulted in a viable pregnancy.


#25 Melissa182

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Posted 05 July 2016 - 12:55 PM

I'm so sorry Melissa - the grief of the loss of our dreams can in no way be summed up in a few sentences.  I wish you all the best as you wrestle through the difficult decisions in front of you and decided what the best steps for you are.  ((you))

Thank you for the support and kind words. They helped to give me comfort


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