22 replies to this topic

[hopehopehope]

Has anyone told their employer about what they are going through, and how was it received? I am struggling with whether or not to tell a new supervisor about numerous upcoming appointments and potentially coming in late. Also, how to turn down extra hours that were offered, that given different circumstances I would love to take. I am worried about my work performance suffering and not giving an explanation.

Are work places generally understanding and accommodating, or do they worry about your performance, and worry about losing you in 9 months?

What have others done? What reactions were you given?

[vball_gal]

My work place was not accommodating and understanding while I was cycling and it eventually led to me being led go for "performance" reasons.    Technically it's illegal for them to dismiss you over something like this but in my case they set up the dismissal by stating that I was not meeting my work goals making it harder for me to prove otherwise.     This is a difficult one to approach, for some women on  here I know approaching their HR reps or boss led to a positive outcome and for others it didn't so it's quite individual.

[gibasgirl]

I don't recommend it.

Some people aren't able to separate their personal feelings about IVF/ART from the work environment and it could be a problem for you.

Some have had good experiences, but once you share this personal information you can never take it back. Especially if you are not supported.

[Aiglee]

Hope, you are the only one that can have an idea on how your work will take it and if it's worth it or not. I'm one of the amazing cases where I told HR and they were the most accommodating ever. I didn't have to travel if it would be in the middle of a cycle (even if I didn't have appointments), they told me to let them know if I was too stressed to take a load off me, and even helped financially with treatment. They helped me fund a bit of the treatment 2 years in a row and this year they are helping with the adoption. It can be the best thing ever or it can be a nightmare like the others said.

[KiwiGal]

For our first cycle I didn't tell... exactly... I just said I was going through some medical stuff and I would need to have some flexibility with my schedule because of appointments and then a procedure. I was able to manage my workload and schedule for the most part and then I was off for a week around the retrieval/transfer. No one ever questioned me and they were very accomodating but I still felt stressed being late to work all the time and not being able to say why.

 

For our second cycle, I made the decision to tell my immediate bosses - the 3 that I work for directly, but not my HR manager. They were amazing. Each of them knew someone who had gone through IVF or some sort of fertility treatment so their support was incredible. They never questioned me being late, allowed me to take time off as needed, and even reduced my workload while I was going through the treatment. It made it so much easier and I was much less stressed. I was really glad I told them what was going on because our 2nd cycle was not successful, so we cycled a few months after that as well.

 

I think it really depends on your work situation and how close you are with your team/colleagues/whomever you choose to tell. I have worked with this group for over 5 years and we are all quite close so for me, it just made sense.

Go with your gut.

[Ruca4]

This is an interesting topic that is very polarized evidently!  

I personally haven't told my work because I suspect it won't be well received.  My boss is NOT a baby person at all so I don't think she'll be particularly compassionate or sympathetic.  She's also very company driven so I don't think she'll necessary approve of me being late for a "personal decision" or receptive to the idea of losing me for a year soon.

I've been able to manage my appointments by using vacation days when necessary (I even feel guilty about taking those on short notice!) and luckily I'm close enough to my clinic that most monitoring appointments have resulted in me only being an hour or two late which I've managed to explain away somehow.  If you think your employer may be understanding and supportive I'd imagine the situation would be much less stressful.

[Merry33]

I agree with GG and would not recommend it unless you are certain that it will be well received and you have a great relationship with your boss/supervisor (and even that can change in my experience). Unfortunately there is still a lot of judgment around ART, and it is not always visible until you disclose your story.
There are supportive people out there but I personally have regretted disclosing things too many times.

[L_in_Calgary]

I agree with GG, Merry33 and those who don't recommend sharing. Personally, I only shared with two colleagues - one of whom managed my calendar so it would be obvious or a major worry to her if she was in the dark about the reason for appointments. Whilst I'm confident my boss would be supportive I didn't think it was fair for her to worry about finding cover if I go on leave. This might be increasingly hard if many treatments are required as has turned out to be the case. This will also be another person who may cheer you on.....but also another who negative news needs to be shared with and I've preferred to keep those people very few and close to me. Fortunately, appointments are close and time can be flexed to cover this. Vacation time was used for retrieval/transfer.

[WishinNhopin]

I regret telling my Co workers the reasoning behind me missing on certain days. I wish I had left it at a medical appt. My boss goes regularly for appts for her mother and misses half days ....I thought I would get the same treatment....but that's not necessarily the case. I've never missed an appt but as we speak I'm on a stress leave while doing my last few u/s & my retrieval-yesterday vecause of how guilty I was made to feel when I needed time for an appt. I live 2 hrs from my clinic (not including downtown toronto traffic). Don't have regrets in the back of your head ...it's probably better to just leave it at medical appts-law requires that only your hr dept needs to know what your appts are if I'm not mistaken.

[impatience]

I told my boss that I had a medical issue that would require lots of appointments over a few weeks, but that was it. I also told him not to worry, and it wasn't life-threatening.

I didn't want to say more, because I wasn't sure it would work. I didn't want to have to explain a negative outcome, but even more importantly, I didn't want him to assume it would work and start treating me like I was on the brink of leaving for a year-long mat leave. I am expecting now, and everyone at work has been very supportive, but the fact that I am going on leave in June looms over all of my projects. If it were affecting my work assignments, how I was being considered for promotion etc. and I wasn't pregnant, that would have felt terrible.

[Kayte]

I learned the hard way. I tried to keep it secret and just use the medical monitoring prior to surgery line, but people initially were both concerned and curious. My boss got pressure from people wondering if I had cancer, others gossiped about what it could be and things that weren't true spread. I felt both humbled by others' concern and pissed by the gossip!

 

So my boss shared this with me, and was caring in his delivery and also trying to figure out how to cover my absences best. I ended up telling him. The first year - everything was pretty good. I did several cycles and was away a lot. I felt no pressure from his end.

 

After that - my infertility got old and difficult in the workplace. When things didn't work out after awhile, things changed at work. And people had pretty much figured out what was going on with me. I was the only childless person, and most had older kids. Rather than a lot of sympathy after this time, I almost felt people were annoyed with me or that I kept pursuing this - it clearly wasn't a tragedy to them relative to their own easy-peasy roads to a family.

 

I ended up leaving that workplace. I had a couple years off, but in my new one - I'm telling NOBODY!! I realized, I can't predict what this journey will entail, how long it will be, and how people would actually change over time. If you don't have to say, I wouldn't. Or hinting at difficulties with your reproductive system and investigative surgery fits the bill for regular monitoring plus the procedures and isn't a lie.

[Yoshima]

Only you can tell and gauge if you should tell your boss/manager or not.

With me, as I knew the personality of my direct boss well enough, I did. I had to since it would mean coming to work a bit late, excusing myself to go to appointments. You can only do so much excuse/sick days right?

When I made that decision to inform my supervisor, I discussed the pros and cons with my partner first. In case it will turn sour, my partner knows whats going on already.

And really.... if they won't understand, or will give you a hard time, that really is stressful enough and probably would end up leaving as my priority is TTC.  But again, that is me. . .This is really a tough call but go with your guts.

[Kayte]

Something else that will play into this decision is just how greatly it affects your work life. If you can just show up a little later to work during cycle monitoring, or work through lunch, or stay later, or work from home, it's much easier to conceal or deal with things like cycle monitoring.

If you don't have flexible hours, or live near a clinic, or if your clinic cycle monitors until 10 or 11 am daily (like my former clinic) and you don't get to request certain time slots, this changes everything - from how much is visible to others to whether you can even continue working as is while you cycle.

[north]

Hope, I'm with others....I think it depends on your pre-existing relationships with your supervisors/managers. I told my supervisor who completely gets that it's a medical issue. He was going through cancer treatment at the time I was doing treatments. I also told a couple colleagues who I knew could keep it in confidence. I didn't tell my director however because I had less confidence in terms of her understanding and response. 

If I didn't have confidence in my supervisor or couple colleagues, I would've just said that I was dealing with medical issues. 

north

[hopehopehope]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I had a bad experience in my old workplace. I had told my boss out of desperation since she saw me upset and sort of demanded what was wrong. I had a lot of understanding from her at first. But then as things went on unsuccessfully for years, it got old and she got very impatient. I ended up wishing I hadn't said anything.

I'm leaning toward not saying anything to my new employer but I'm having a hard time coming up with an excuse. I like the idea of non life-threatening medical issue, but I'm wondering if I can come up with something better so that they don't worry about my work performance at all.

It sounds like a lot of us have gone through a hard time with all of this. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. And best of luck to everyone in this struggle.

[gibasgirl]

You can say that you have a medical issue that requires some investigation.

If a note is needed, then try to get one from a regular GP.

[amazing grace]

I have not shared my struggles with my employer because I don't know how it may be perceived, manly because I am an educator and unfortunately I don't want her to think it is affecting my performance. In regards to a letter, my RE provided a letter, did not include treatment, but stated that I was undergoing a medical procedure and needed a week off. This was for my IVF last year. I guess it all depends on your relationship with your employer and how much you want them to know. I prefer to keep it minimal, but that is my opinion. Again though, my employment situation may be quite different than yours because we do get sufficient days off.

[gibasgirl]

Some things are not known until you open up.

For me, I had asked my RE to write a note on a generic document with just their name, and no mention of the clinic because I had had problems in a previous cycle.

I had changed clinics and had faced challenges at work over cycling.

The new RE agreed to my request and wrote the note on a prescription pad. It just had their name on it. No mention of the clinic.

Except my manager Googled the doctor. Found out what kind of medicine they practiced and then started giving me feedback on IVF.

I was stunned.

You can play by the rules, but you have no way of knowing for sure whether the people you report to will do the same, or set aside any negative beliefs they have about IVF.

[MaryT]

I didn't tell my boss what I am going to do... But it differs on the situation. 

[lynter]

I will weigh in on the other side.  I actually did tell my work -- specifically, I told the two partners I worked with most frequently (I'm a lawyer).  I trusted them not to say anything -- and they didn't -- and I was cycling out of province so needed to be physically absent for a couple of weeks.  They needed to be able to determine which files to bring me in on based on when I'd be available to attend court, etc., or what I could work on remotely, and I figured it was only fair for them to be able to plan.  I also didn't want them to worry about unspecified "medical absences", since then they might have wondered how my performance would be affected. 

 

As it turned out, one of these partners had a relative go through ivf, and she had stayed with his family while doing it.  He knew what was involved and was very supportive.  Actually told me a bit about what to expect with it all!

 

In all, telling my work meant much less stress for me and was well worth it.  When I finally did get pregnant (ironically, not through ivf), I felt as though the partners were just as excited for me as I was since they knew how hard it was for me to conceive, and they went out of their way to support me through what turned out to be a very high risk pregnancy.  

 

In the end, I guess it depends on two things.  First, your relationship with your employer.  I have always found that honesty really is the best policy, in most cases, and less stressful than trying to come up with alternate excuses for not being able to work.  However, some people have legitimate reasons for not wanting to tell employers personal health information.  Second, It depends on your comfort level with others knowing your situation.  I was always pretty open about my struggles to conceive and really didn't mind having other people know, but I realize that a lot of people want to keep treatment private.  In this case, it would then depend on whether you could trust your boss or HR dept. not to say anything (or not to google your doctor -- that's just awful).

[Kayte]

I'm glad to hear the stories of employers that didn't cause greater grief and logistics for their employees needing treatment. Everyone deserves this!

 

I still recommend keeping your cards close to your chest. I think many of us hope and pray we'll have success asap with each new thing we are forced to move on and try. My former boss actually conceived his children through IVF as well, and despite the first half year or so of encouragement and us being able to speak freely to one another (and the same infertility language), fastforward several years and that relationship no longer existed. I couldn't have guessed that at the start. I'm profoundly wounded from workplace harassment due to my infertility (at the same time as being a bang-up employee.) I could never have guessed initially from my work relationships and all I had poured into my career that this would end up being the case.

 

I know things would have been different had things come more easily to me, but that was not to be. And you can't take back what people know, who they tell, and how the message gets distorted or manipulated.

 

I hope the balance of finding the right support with the right sense of ease comes to you.

[Hyacinth21]

If I lived close to my clinic I would not have told my employer. But I had to because I commute over 2 hours for monitoring so I needed to arrive late at work every 2nd day during monitoring. i checked the employment standards act and didnt find anything to support fert treatments. then i checked the human rights act and i found that employers MUST respect, not discriminate, and allow employees a flexible schedule without question/harassment IF the employer is advised it is for fertility treatment which is recognized as a medical condition. so i decided to tell them, and they have been VERY supportive and wonderful. We are now TTC our 2nd.

[mamusia]

hi yes you can