7 replies to this topic

[Kitty2011]

Hi there

 

 I'd like your opinions please.

 

My friend is over 35 and they have been trying on and off for 2 years. I've mentioned that I'm doing fertility treatments but she doesnt see herself as infertile. And hopefully she's not. (I wouldnt wish infertility on anyone).

 

Should I be encouraging her to go see a specialist or am I just so tainted from my own misfortune? Of course I'm no dr.

 

Thanks for your help.

[s00n]

For over 35, 6 months of trying without success means you should see a specialist.  You can certainly let your friend know this, it may change her perspective.  Of course, if they don't believe they'd use intervention there's no point. 

[Tess]

"Should I be encouraging her to go see a specialist or am I just so tainted from my own misfortune? Of course I'm no dr."

 

The diagnosis of infertility usually is trying but no pregnancy for 6 months.  

 

But if they aren't trying around her ovulation time they could be missing her fertile period.  They might not be timing it.

 

Because it's such a sensitive subject -- if she doesn't bring it up herself, or want to talk about it, I'd be cautious, unless she is a close friend.  

[gibasgirl]

Hello Kitty,
 
It is possible that your friend and her partner are experiencing infertility. Perhaps she realises this on some level, perhaps she does not.
 
Keep in mind that male factors have an impact on fertility as often as female factors (some statistics say about 1/3 are related to female factors, 1/3 are related to male factors, and the remaining 1/3 are related to unknown factors. The breakdown numbers vary by study, but they tend to point in the same direction.)
 
Without a firm diagnosis, we have no way of knowing whether her partner has issues (Azoospermia, Oligo, hormonal, varicocele, etc.) that are a playing a role in their possible subfertility. Or they might not be on the same page regarding family-building. 
 
For the longest time I didn't think of myself as infertile, even though my husband and I were being treated by an RE. I simply thought of myself as being part of a couple that needed some help reaching our goal, but I had a deep and abiding faith that it would eventually happen. 
 
As Tess said, it is a sensitive topic. In addition to this, there is a lot of misunderstanding around infertility and what it entails, not to mention how to navigate around the issue. 
 
Depending on how close you are, or how candid you can be with one another, you can let her know some of your experiences from early testing and diagnosis. You can let her know that your door is open if she has any questions. 
 
If you know for a fact that she has not done any testing, then you can make that recommendation, but it may be better to start with sharing your story/using yourself as a point of reference for her. Let her know that you are there for her should she have any questions, or is looking for any pointers from someone who has been there. 
 
Although, because you have been there, you can approach the topic with a level of empathy and understanding that is often lacking from our well-meaning fertile loved ones.
 
Who knows, maybe she is secretly on this site looking for answers.
 
Because it can be a sensitive matter, and the assumption trap can be dangerous, remember to let the empathy and love that motivated you to help your friend serve as your guide.
 
I know there will be others who can share their experiences.
 
All the best.

[Saffy]

It's really hard to know and to a certain extent it is based on self identification as people are childless for many reasons. They may be taking a laissez faire approach to conception which may have worked had they been in their 20's but not so much in their late 30's.
As Tess and Gibasgirl suggested I would take her lead on it and use yourself as an example if she is interested she will ask questions and ultimately it doesn't matter if she self identifies as infertile.
I also think you raise a good point about tainted by your own misfortune. I had friend who was in her late 30's and was considering having a baby with her bf. I told her all about my experience including donor eggs and she actually consulted a fertility doctor prior to trying who told her ovarian reserve was low and like someone in their 40's. I felt quite panicked for her and wanted to tell her to go directly to IVF but I held my tongue. I lent her my taking charge of your fertility book which I had promised her earlier. About five months later she announced she was three months pregnant. She told me she read the book, got ovulation prediction sticks and followed the book to a tee and got pregnant the first month they tried. Anyways the point of me telling you this story is that I think perspective has a lot to with things. I obviously underestimated her fertility but so did the doctor when she really only needed a tiny bit if intervention.

[newtothis#2]

Didn't read all of the above. But think ppl don't like to be told they might be infertile, but rephrasing it as you may as well get checked out so you don't later find out you were wasting your time trying when u needed a quick fix first. Also saying they could get their name on the wait list just in case they change their mind later, might be better ways to encourage them to get checked out.
They may be resistant for many reasons: Not really sure they want kids, scared to hear something is wrong (with themselves or the other) etc.
I needed progesterone to get preg with our son and IVF to get preg this round and I still wouldn't call myself infertile. I think the term suggests no hope or damaged beyond repair to some. Its a very tough and emotional subject. Hope everything works out for your friend and everyone.

[Anaïs]

I second the above ladies. For over 35, it is recommended to seek RE`s help after trying for 6 months.

It is a sensitive topic but the above is the rule of thumb.

Plus time is definitely working against your friend (and all of us).

[14525]

I'd leave her alone, no doubt she doesn't tell you exactly what's going on.  most of us don't