Is there anyone else here who is finished with IF treatments and won't be adopting? We have been TTC for 15 years and after countless tests, one surgery, too many ovulation prediction tests to count, every non-invasive means I have heard/read about, 2 IUIs and 2 IVFs we have reached the end. We just can't do it anymore, from a finanical, physical, spirtual, and emotional standpoint. At this point in time adoption is not an option. So it is back to hopeing for that miracle, naturally occuring BFP.
I have found little support for this. Most people think we should keep trying "everything and anything" and that because my DH does not want to adopt he must be a bad person. He is absolutely wonderful. His family has had some bad experiences with adoption which make him nervous. Also, we were going to adopt about 11 years ago and the mother miscarried, that was as hard as any BFN.
I'm just looking for people who might understand our decision and not judge.
Constance
Anyone Else??
Started By
, Jun 03 2006 04:16 PM
8 replies to this topic
#1
Posted 03 June 2006 - 04:16 PM
#2
Posted 03 June 2006 - 06:15 PM
Hi Constance.
I am so sorry about your recent BFN.
Hope you are doing okay.
Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom for you.
Our society has a way of "discriminating" against couples without children - it's an unfortunate fact. I can't imagine anyone wanting to push you into adopting if you and your DH don't feel it's right for you. People have no right to judge your very difficult and very personal decisions on this issue.
At least you know you'll find support here.
Jillie
I am so sorry about your recent BFN.
Hope you are doing okay.
Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom for you.
Our society has a way of "discriminating" against couples without children - it's an unfortunate fact. I can't imagine anyone wanting to push you into adopting if you and your DH don't feel it's right for you. People have no right to judge your very difficult and very personal decisions on this issue.
At least you know you'll find support here.
Jillie
#3
Posted 04 June 2006 - 06:20 PM
Constance, first of all, I am soooo sorry things did not work out this time. I completely understand how you feel. I was really praying for you. I know how you feel, since I have NO idea what I am doing next - and I do not know if I can ever feel comfortable with adoption either. Please keep in touch if you can.
Amy
Amy
#4
Posted 04 June 2006 - 09:58 PM
Constance,
I am not quite finished with treatments but I hope you don't mind me responding. (My husband and I are preparing for our last round of IVF, probably in the fall. It will be our fourth. I am 38, have been TTC for three years and have never once been pregnant). I identified with your post because we have already begun preparing for the (let's face it, more likely than not) possibility that we will never be parents. Like you, we are not considering adoption.
While neither of us will say never, right now we both agree that it's just not what we want. I guess I feel strongly in my right to make this choice (after all I didn't choose to be infertile - at least let me choose this!) so I am so sorry that you aren't finding more support for your (very personal) decision. I can tell you that I completely understand your position and would never dream of judging you or your husband.
How are you handling the finality? In terms of accepting that I may never be a mother I'm finding it a difficult process. Sometimes I allow myself to get excited about my child free future (my husband and I both feel lucky that we are passionate about our careers and that we still enjoy each other's company so much. And we really do appreciate the freedom not having children affords us), but other times I still can't believe that this (infertility, childlessness) has happened to me and that I will never experience such a big part of being human.
For me, talking to people who have deliberately chosen not to have children has helped. Sometiimes the culture seems so centered around having kids that you forget that people can (and do!) lead extremely rich lives without them. It's also made me determined to follow my (other) dreams. I feel like I can't allow myself to compound the tragedy by letting the fact that I can't have biological children define me.
I know I am just starting down the road to acceptance and there will be many emotional ups and downs to come. Is there anything that you, or anyone else reading this, have found brings you peace?
All this to say - Constance, I'm thinking of you, and you are not alone!
Marion
I am not quite finished with treatments but I hope you don't mind me responding. (My husband and I are preparing for our last round of IVF, probably in the fall. It will be our fourth. I am 38, have been TTC for three years and have never once been pregnant). I identified with your post because we have already begun preparing for the (let's face it, more likely than not) possibility that we will never be parents. Like you, we are not considering adoption.
While neither of us will say never, right now we both agree that it's just not what we want. I guess I feel strongly in my right to make this choice (after all I didn't choose to be infertile - at least let me choose this!) so I am so sorry that you aren't finding more support for your (very personal) decision. I can tell you that I completely understand your position and would never dream of judging you or your husband.
How are you handling the finality? In terms of accepting that I may never be a mother I'm finding it a difficult process. Sometimes I allow myself to get excited about my child free future (my husband and I both feel lucky that we are passionate about our careers and that we still enjoy each other's company so much. And we really do appreciate the freedom not having children affords us), but other times I still can't believe that this (infertility, childlessness) has happened to me and that I will never experience such a big part of being human.
For me, talking to people who have deliberately chosen not to have children has helped. Sometiimes the culture seems so centered around having kids that you forget that people can (and do!) lead extremely rich lives without them. It's also made me determined to follow my (other) dreams. I feel like I can't allow myself to compound the tragedy by letting the fact that I can't have biological children define me.
I know I am just starting down the road to acceptance and there will be many emotional ups and downs to come. Is there anything that you, or anyone else reading this, have found brings you peace?
All this to say - Constance, I'm thinking of you, and you are not alone!
Marion
#5
Posted 05 June 2006 - 01:33 AM
Marion,
I feel very peaceful about things right now. I actually wish this really was a finality. Even thought we won't be doing any more treatments I can't promise that I won't be buying an ovulation predicaiton kit occasionally and tracking my cycles. Old habits are hard to break. If we knew that there was no chance without IVF it may be a little easier. But in the back of my mind is that 1% chance that is still out there.
I have been 15 years getting to this point and can honestly say we have tried everything that has been available to us. I have found that being very open with talking about IF and the details of the treatments has helped. If I can't get pg maybe my mission is to educate those around me as to what IF and treatment is like so that they are more accepting, and supportive of those experiencing it. I have found that most people are very surprised at what we go through at ER. They think "OK, the eggs have to be removed so they can be fertilized." They never think about HOW the eggs get out.
I would love to adopt, but DH isn't ready. I am adopted myself and very comfortable with it. DH's family has had a few bad experiences with adoptions so he isn't ready. That may change, it may not. But it is out of my hands. I won't push him. I have seen marriages fall apart after the wife pushed the husband into an adoption he was not ready for. I have an amazing marriage and am not willing to jeopardize it.
DH is feeling very helpless in all of this, as a man he just wants to be able to fix it. He has been an amazing support to me, allowing me space to grieve, but being there when I need him.
Well, I need to get in the shower, work is calling.
I hope everything works out for you this cycle.
Constance
I feel very peaceful about things right now. I actually wish this really was a finality. Even thought we won't be doing any more treatments I can't promise that I won't be buying an ovulation predicaiton kit occasionally and tracking my cycles. Old habits are hard to break. If we knew that there was no chance without IVF it may be a little easier. But in the back of my mind is that 1% chance that is still out there.
I have been 15 years getting to this point and can honestly say we have tried everything that has been available to us. I have found that being very open with talking about IF and the details of the treatments has helped. If I can't get pg maybe my mission is to educate those around me as to what IF and treatment is like so that they are more accepting, and supportive of those experiencing it. I have found that most people are very surprised at what we go through at ER. They think "OK, the eggs have to be removed so they can be fertilized." They never think about HOW the eggs get out.
I would love to adopt, but DH isn't ready. I am adopted myself and very comfortable with it. DH's family has had a few bad experiences with adoptions so he isn't ready. That may change, it may not. But it is out of my hands. I won't push him. I have seen marriages fall apart after the wife pushed the husband into an adoption he was not ready for. I have an amazing marriage and am not willing to jeopardize it.
DH is feeling very helpless in all of this, as a man he just wants to be able to fix it. He has been an amazing support to me, allowing me space to grieve, but being there when I need him.
Well, I need to get in the shower, work is calling.
I hope everything works out for you this cycle.
Constance
#6
Posted 05 June 2006 - 08:35 PM
Constance,
I just read your reply and also your recent post in the site Q & A forum and I can sense the peace you're describing radiating from the words you type. You truly seem to have made the right decision for yourself at this time. I think your plan to use your nursing qualifications to foster babies is amazing. What a difference you'll make in their lives! And I'm so glad to hear you have a strong marriage as well as grandkids in your life. It's inspirational. I'm sure you'll continue to feel sadness, and that you'll still ride the monthly 1% rollercoaster, but I also know that no matter what happens you'll be okay. And that gives me hope that no matter what happens, I'll be okay too.
Marion
I just read your reply and also your recent post in the site Q & A forum and I can sense the peace you're describing radiating from the words you type. You truly seem to have made the right decision for yourself at this time. I think your plan to use your nursing qualifications to foster babies is amazing. What a difference you'll make in their lives! And I'm so glad to hear you have a strong marriage as well as grandkids in your life. It's inspirational. I'm sure you'll continue to feel sadness, and that you'll still ride the monthly 1% rollercoaster, but I also know that no matter what happens you'll be okay. And that gives me hope that no matter what happens, I'll be okay too.
Marion
#7
Posted 06 June 2006 - 12:57 AM
Marion,
Thank you for your post. I myself am amazed at how peaceful I feel. I still have few bumps here and there, but life is never a smooth road, is it.
Constance
Thank you for your post. I myself am amazed at how peaceful I feel. I still have few bumps here and there, but life is never a smooth road, is it.
Constance
#8
Posted 07 June 2006 - 06:02 PM
Constance,
WHile I am very sorry to hear about your losses, I feel lucky that I stumbled upong your posting. I am pretty much at the end of the line myself, and I am finding NO support with it!! Finances and our ages are making adoption not an option for us. We have exhausted ourselves emotionally, mentally, and physcially with all the treatments, and are now considering egg donation, which carries a $10thousand (USD) minumum!!
I am having a hard time in myself being "finished". On the one hand relieved that the drugs and the uncertainty and the disappointments are over. But then thinking of a childless future. Not being a Mom, never being a Grandmother, or watchin gmy child grown and develop... It is too hard. Then I want to scream, and just run out and DO something, but I dont know if we can.
Is there any sort of support we can give each other? Just knowing there are other women out there that have tried and tried so hard. But unfortunately have not been successful, and are about to wind down their journey. That in itself makes me feel a bit better, and maybe our words and experiences vould help one another. I feel sorta empty and aimless, and would welcome anything I could hear from others!!
My best wishes to you all!! Good luck with whatever new road you journey on!!!
Finally
WHile I am very sorry to hear about your losses, I feel lucky that I stumbled upong your posting. I am pretty much at the end of the line myself, and I am finding NO support with it!! Finances and our ages are making adoption not an option for us. We have exhausted ourselves emotionally, mentally, and physcially with all the treatments, and are now considering egg donation, which carries a $10thousand (USD) minumum!!
I am having a hard time in myself being "finished". On the one hand relieved that the drugs and the uncertainty and the disappointments are over. But then thinking of a childless future. Not being a Mom, never being a Grandmother, or watchin gmy child grown and develop... It is too hard. Then I want to scream, and just run out and DO something, but I dont know if we can.
Is there any sort of support we can give each other? Just knowing there are other women out there that have tried and tried so hard. But unfortunately have not been successful, and are about to wind down their journey. That in itself makes me feel a bit better, and maybe our words and experiences vould help one another. I feel sorta empty and aimless, and would welcome anything I could hear from others!!
My best wishes to you all!! Good luck with whatever new road you journey on!!!
Finally
#9
Posted 08 June 2006 - 03:25 AM
Finally,
It has been amazing for me how many people can't/won't accept that there comes a point when you have to say no more. Of course most of these people have no idea what IF is really like. And no clue how draining IVF is, physically, emotionally, and financially.
Then they throw out adoption as if we can just run down to Walmart and pick out a baby. By the time many of use are done with IVF we don't have the money left for adoption. And when you are over 40 adoption is so much harder. I have looked into Russian adoption, but we just don't have the $$ for it right now, and we aren't getting any younger.
My MIL also seems to be judging me because I'm not having a nervous breakdown. She perceives the peace which I fell about our decision to stop as a sign that I'm either in denial or didn't really want it. This from a woman was such an unattentive and distant mother that her oldest son won't even have anything to do with her now and allows her youngest child, who is in his 30's to continue living at home and do/sell drugs. What right does she have to judge me? She is only person who really gets me worked up about this any more. But, I'm praying that with time she won't bother me anymore.
Good luck on whatever you decide. Where are you in the states?
Constance
It has been amazing for me how many people can't/won't accept that there comes a point when you have to say no more. Of course most of these people have no idea what IF is really like. And no clue how draining IVF is, physically, emotionally, and financially.
Then they throw out adoption as if we can just run down to Walmart and pick out a baby. By the time many of use are done with IVF we don't have the money left for adoption. And when you are over 40 adoption is so much harder. I have looked into Russian adoption, but we just don't have the $$ for it right now, and we aren't getting any younger.
My MIL also seems to be judging me because I'm not having a nervous breakdown. She perceives the peace which I fell about our decision to stop as a sign that I'm either in denial or didn't really want it. This from a woman was such an unattentive and distant mother that her oldest son won't even have anything to do with her now and allows her youngest child, who is in his 30's to continue living at home and do/sell drugs. What right does she have to judge me? She is only person who really gets me worked up about this any more. But, I'm praying that with time she won't bother me anymore.
Good luck on whatever you decide. Where are you in the states?
Constance
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