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Dealing with an Insensitive Family and Friends

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#26 chibabies

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Posted 01 November 2006 - 12:00 PM

I sent it to my mom and my best friend and they both said now they understand things a little better.

It was so well done. Both dh and I cried through it.
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#27 Birdie

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Posted 28 February 2007 - 03:45 AM

Hi Marion, Birdie here... ( newbie sneaking into the vets lounge shhhhhhhhh *wink*)
Is n't it amazing what some people just say without thinking. Your SIL sounds like a right plank IMHO. Don't get me wrong, I relate to her feelings, ( I have had kids, DH has not) but she can certainly take a lesson from your book of class, cos she has NON. Want me to beat her up for ya??? I'm feeling some stress anyway LOL LOL LOL
I don't mean to make light..... I rely on humor A LOT to keep me sane.... and yeah I could always beat her up for ya!
I guess till one has been in these shoes.....
I know that we have to be careful around others suffering through IF. A lil sensitivity goes a LOOOONG way. DH and I are trying to figure out a tactful way to approach a couple we know about me giving them all my spare eggs, and poss remaining embryos. They went through the whole treatment and she was a non responder, although as far as I know IS able to carry. We 're just so scared of bringing up old pain and dissapointment to them.... we want more than anything to this for them but ya can't just call em up and say hey want an egg? I have sked for advise on this topic on the forums here and I look forward to everyones opinions.
wDH & I ahve heard the WHOLE range of STUPID remarks brought up here but your 'half congrats' thing is the worst I've heard for YONKS, Man if they get any worse I hope I block them out of my memory.
Dh & I got a new one over Christmas tho..... aaaargh. DH & I got a BFP on christmas eve ( au naturel of all things, resulted in ectopic) we tried not to be excited but we were, it was christmas eve after all, season of miracles n all of that, and santas my BUDDY, ma main man, he wouldn't give us this gift ... yeah I think you get it. Aaanyway we couldn't contain the joy (suckers) and told a few close family members. A bit futher on in the conversation I mentioned the fantastic loving realationship my DH has with my daughter........ and they do, they really do. and she (AKA thatbitchfromhell)said to me (gaaaawd I'm pissy just thinking about it, ... *oops is there a cuss jar in the room?*)" Well, he will forget all about her when he gets his own real daughter, won't even remember her name, .... " there was more but, I could just pewk... preferably in her slippers. I guess I know how she REALLY feels about "MY" babies now huh?! (they're not babies, they're all grown LOL... well in theory he he he) I'll tell you what, she can get bent if she thinks she can be a part of this babys (if our IVF works)life, as she obviously cannot treat all MY kids as OUR kids, and I won't stand for that! ( a pet peeve of mine..) I know this isn't quite the same as your issue, but it does go to show what total tossers people can be, you'd expect more from family.
I am a firm believer in Karma, and what you put out you get back... sometimes it just takes a while longer than we'd like. The woman who said that to DH and I has been a mean bitter woman forever to the point that I think it is eating away at her soul and now her body.... she recently had a leg removed below the knee, long story there too. I'm sure I sound like a raving So n so and it is unfortunate about the leg... but..
I'm glad you do have some support in real life and a wealth of it here, these people here are fantastic! And now you have one more pulling for you!!
BTW did I mention I could beat her up for you???? VEG
((((((((((((HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE HUUUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

#28 gibasgirl

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Posted 27 October 2012 - 04:01 PM

You know, even though this thread was started several years ago insensitivity is magically timeless.
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#29 zepper

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Posted 28 October 2012 - 04:30 PM

gibasgirl...I'm so glad you posted on this old thread because I just watched that video and I'm going to post it on my blog and maybe send it to some friends/family.
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  • Me - 34, DH - 35
  • TTC since Feb. 2009
  • Started seeing Dr. Wu - March 2011
  • DH's SA's vary - thinking male factor is the issue
  • April-June 2011 - Femara - hormone levels normal
  • July 2011 - HSG - all clear
  • Aug-Oct 2011 - IUI's #1-3 with Femara - BFN x3
  • Nov 2011 - Laparsocopy - all clear
  • Dec 2011 - IUI #4 with Clomid - BFN
  • IVF #1 - Feb 2012 - no eggs retrieved from 14 follicles - *Genuine Empty Follicle Syndrome* WTF???
  • IVF #2 - July 2012 - used Lupron as trigger - 5 eggs retrieved from 16 follicles - Dr. concludes I do have GEFS - they know little about it. All 5 eggs fertilized.
  • Transferred 2 8-cell grade A embryos - BFN
  • 3 frozen embryos
  • FET #1- October 22, 2012 - transferred 2 three-day embryos - BFN
  • FET #2 - February - 1 embryo left - cancelled due to estrogen levels dropping :(
  • FET #2 - March 23, 2013 - medicated cycle - transfer of our last embryo - BFN
Now what? We've had the public adoption paperwork since October and I still can't gather the strength to look at it.

#30 Lien

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Posted 28 May 2013 - 06:02 AM

You absolutely have every right to feel the way you do but also you can't expect them to understand. I knowing feels like they're rubbing it in. I've done te snarky remark to a friend who had started trying half a year after us and got pregnant within 6 months. She complained it took so long and it was so stressful this time when the first time it took a month. By no means was she rubbing it in. At some point you just grow immune to the comments and pregnant peoplearound you.

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#31 chjr13

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Posted 17 March 2015 - 05:55 PM

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years - we've told our immediate family about everything that we are going through but no one can relate because everyone has had babies with ease.  Every time my husband and I call unannounced or invite our family over we hear comments like: "Oh.. we thought we were here because you had an announcement" - NOPE.  Just like every other time.. You were just invited for dinner!  


This year was my husband 30th birthday and we invited everyone over for cake - there was about 30 people - aunts, uncles and both sets of our parents.  My step mother then pulled out a baby onesie infront of everyone.  My MIL started freaking out as did the aunts.  The baby onesie was for my recently neutured puppy - there was no baby.  When I repeatedly said no there wasn't a baby my step mother continued to say "but is there...?".  It was humiliating and devastating.  


At this point I've stopped hosting events.

#32 CdnHockeyGal

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Posted 17 March 2015 - 11:07 PM

chjr13 - that's awful. I am so sorry. Can you send these relatives to the island of misfit toys?
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We've tried lots of things for a long time. None of them have resulted in a viable pregnancy.

#33 pearljam1997

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Posted 18 March 2015 - 12:33 AM

chjr13, wow. That has to be one of the most inconsiderate things I've ever heard, I'm sorry. 

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Me 35, DH 39, DS 1-18, DS 2-16, m/c July 1999 and Oct 2015, failed reversal. See about me page for history.

#34 autumnmarie

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Posted 18 March 2015 - 09:51 PM

OMG chjr13 - I can't even imagine how horrible that would have been. I'm soooo sorry you had to go through that. I would have actually killed her. For reals. Wanna tell me where this step mom lives? Seeing as how you didn't kill her (although if you did, it's ok) I'm going to say you handled the situation very gracefully. Truly, it doesn't matter what you said or did, you handled it gracefully.

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Me: 33, DH, 35


TTC - 2012

2014: MMC

2015: the year of pills, shots, IUIs and an ectopic

2016: BFP, EDD 4/19/2017


#35 Egyfied

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Posted 27 March 2015 - 10:21 PM

Wow at all of these stories, new and old. This whole journey is difficult enough without all the added drama family brings...namely speaking, those darn in laws.

My family too has been seriously insensitive. My brother and his wife and their three terrors of children (whom I love dearly btw) made it a point to ruin any relaxation or time I needed alone during my first ever ivf cycle a couple months ago. I had to stay with my parents bc we found a RE only an hour from their house. They were super welcoming and sweet. But lo and behold when my brother found out I was there he was coming to visit every weekend. The first weekend I left and stayed in a nearby hotel. The second weekend he did it, I did the same thing and then finally he decided the best time to take a week off work to spend at my parents' house was the week I was in my 9 day wait after ET. Initially I left to stay with other family in town (in the midst of a snowstorm) and then eventually came back. His wife was sucha condescending bit*ch the whole time. Doing extra nice things for my sister and making a point to ignore me. (Long history, she hates me but she literally copies everything I do). She would send her kids upstairs to knock on my room door for up to an hour just so I couldn't rest. It was just a terrible and stressful experience every time they were there. Her daughter ended up getting in a fight with her brother and jumped onto my abdomen. I can't say for sure that's what caused BFN but needless to say the cycle failed. When she found out, it was as if she was relieved. Oh and guess what? She announced her own pregnancy with the fourth not a month after.

I've come to the conclusion that this stuff is better private. Fertile couples don't tell the world when they are going to BD so why do we share when we are trying to make a baby which is still (with and the docs and nurses who see your hoo-ha) a private experience.

On another note, seems most of you ladies have very supportive husbands. Mine is too like he's not nasty about me not being able to have a baby but I'm doing a frozen cycle now and I'm staying home for most of it with him and just traveling out for appointments. He's being sucha jerk tho!! I'm downregging and we all know how crazy those hormones can make us and he is just so not understanding of what this is doing to me mentally and physically. My bro and sis in law stressed me out last cycle and this cycle he is just on my last nerve. Im feeling super alone in all of this and I'm so glad I found a forum to vent and seek support from ladies who understand.
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#36 Frannie2012

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Posted 01 April 2015 - 11:10 AM


my family would not be supportive of IVF so I didn't tell them. To this day only about 4 people know my daughter way conceived through IVF. If they knew our experiences would be similar.

I hope this cycle is less stressful...
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Me: 33

DH: 35


TTC since Sept. 2011


Aug. 2012 - DX with PCOS (started metformin)

Aug. 2012 - Oct 2012 - clomid + trigger , timed X2 - BFN

Oct 2012-Jan 2013 - clomid + trigger IUI X3 - BFN


Took a break until the spring to begin IVF -


June 1 - Started BCPs

June 24 - Start stimming....75iu meopur, 75iu puregon

June 27- (moved up to 100iu of puregon)

June 29 (moved up to 150 iu of puregon)

July 1 - scan...6-10 follicles expected on ER day

July 3 - last day of stimming, HCG trigger

July 5 - ER.....8 Retrived, 5 mature, 5 fertilized

July 7 - 5 embryos

July 8 - ET (2, grade 1 embryos transferred), 3 embryos to be frozen (1 - grade 1, 2 - grade 2)


July 22 - BFP!!! 

July 24 - Beta repeated - numbers doubling....fingers crossed for a healthy pregnancy!!

#37 Egyfied

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Posted 05 April 2015 - 12:44 AM

Frannie, thanks. ❤️
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#38 wine4thewin

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 09:24 PM

Thank you all for sharing the infuriating comments you've received. And some hilarious comebacks! I see this thread is old, but I just found it via a web search about insensitive family members.


After nearly 12 years of marriage, my DH and I have been unable to conceive. We have pretty much come to terms with it, but haven't told my parents (whom we live close to) because they would immediately try to "fix" us and blame us for doing something wrong. So the other day I was sharing with my parents how I'd had a really bad migraine and how I'd had a headache for over a week, and my dear father (who is squeamish about sex and women's bodies) asked it it was hormonal. Thinking this might be a step in the direction of mature adult conversation, I admitted that it was. The very next thing that comes out of his mouth? "You just need to fulfill your womanly destiny." eusa_wall.gif  Yes. That. Because that's what you should say to a woman having hormonal problems. I was really caught off guard and the best I could do was to say "I already have. I'm a woman. That's my destiny." After stewing about if for a few weeks, I wrote him a lengthy email explaining that his comment was presumptuous and disrespectful. And that I wasn't going to put up with his unsolicited and incorrect advice. Haven't heard back yet. dry.png

#39 Faith2017

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Posted 05 May 2017 - 02:43 PM

wine4thwin so sorry about your family drama.  I have terrible in-laws and a sister that yelled at me because I was doing IVF and didn't tell her.  So I am very sick of my siblings and in-laws.  Actually, the only people I can talk to is my husband, mom, doctors and nurses!  After my first cycle, I said to my best friend that I have a new respect for IVF mothers because there is so much involved (time, pain, stress, money, hormonal changes, etc).  She had the nerve to correct me that I should respect ALL mothers.  Excuse me?  She had three children easily so don't know the first things about IF.  Anyhow, I hope you are doing well.

th_abfp.gif  th_agl.gif  8388.gif flow.gif  sailing_smilie.gif crsd.gificon_stickyvibespink.gif


Me-44 DH-43

IVF#1 BFN (summer 2016)

IVF#2 BFP but ended with no heartbeat (Fall 2016)

IVF#3 BFN (Winter 2017)

IVF#4 BFP (Spring 2017)

#40 Lionttc#1

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Posted 13 June 2017 - 09:49 PM

Reading all of your stories has been really helpful , uplifting , and humarous.

Here are the comments that get to me:

1. A friend I haven't seen in a while asking me if I am pregnant and saying that she is okay asking because she doesn't want to find out that I am from anyone else

2. A friend who wanted to have kids at the same time ( I told her it's not a good idea to plan things this way at the time ) got pregnant after the first try . Her child is over a year now . She constantly asks me how are treatments going and if we are still trying . She also asked us for her baby's welcome party , if we can carry him in , as a 'childless' couple needs to carry in the boy .
I spoke to her about those comments and others . She apologized and felt really bad . A week later , I tell her about coming to work to a colleague's baby shower after doing iui in the morning and how hard that was . She says to me " oh so you can't be around babies or people who aren't pregnant now ?"

3. My brother and SIL telling me that they are expecting #2 during my closest friend's engagement party

4. My brother telling me how I don't undetand how it's like to have a small child

5. How that same friend from the second point talks about how amazing motherhood is

6. How a colleague asked me if I was pregnant while I was taking clomid and was bloated ( she didn't know about us ttc but it's not an approriate question to ask )

7. A friend who knew we did a treatment thins month asked nonchalatly "so did you get your period ?"

People need to have some sensitivity training

#41 hopefuldadsomeday

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Posted 14 June 2017 - 03:05 PM

This is a tough one.  For the reasons many of you have mentioned, we have decided not to tell anybody (including immediate family) about our pregnancy losses and our decision to undergo IVF.  This of course has opened us up to other issues (e.g. people telling us to start trying soon as we're getting older, people constantly asking my wife if she's pregnant if she's avoiding certain foods, etc.)  Many of our family members have had babies recently so between family gatherings and people posting photos every day on social media, it's a little bit overwhelming for us.  We try to avoid it as much as possible.


I try not to let it bother me too much, because let's be honest, until you've experienced it yourself you have no idea what it's like.  Before our own struggles I don't think I really could have empathized with people experiencing infertility.  So I try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they're not trying to be insensitive.

March 2016 - Miscarriage #1 (chemical pregnancy)

August 2016 -  Miscarriage #2 (Trisomy-16)

December 2016 - Miscarriage #3 (unknown - suspected chromosomal abnormality)

IVF #1  - scheduled July/Aug 2017 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol)