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Dealing with an Insensitive Family and Friends


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#1 Marion

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Posted 22 May 2006 - 12:34 PM

Hello Ladies,

Since everyone here has been through so much, I thought this might be the place to ask if for advice on how best to deal with insensitive family and friends.

I consider myself very lucky to have married a wonderful guy and that our fertility problems have brought us closer than ever. My mother has also been incredibly sympathetic and supportive. But I have to say that we've been disappointed with the response of nearly everyone other person we shared our situation with. I've come to terms with the fact that it's almost impossible to understand what this is like unless you've experienced it yourself. I myself probably wouldn't have known what to say or do before this happened to me, so I can't expect others, especially acquaintances who I haven't confided in, to understand either the science of it, or the roller coaster of emotions and devastation I feel every month. My husband and I have learned to laugh at the ignorant comments and feel nostalgic for the days when we were as naive as they are now.

But there's one situation that causes me a great deal of pain. Unfortunately I live far from my own hometown in the same city with my husband's family. My husband's brother is his only sibling, and they were extremely close growing up, so we expected he and his wife to be a great source of support. We decided to tell them what we were going through after our second round of IVF. We told them at length and in great detail how difficult and sometimes unbearable infertility can be, and we told them all about the 3rd round of IVF we were about to embark upon. We didn't know it then, but they were already pregnant. They chose not to tell us, but instead waited until a few weeks later, two days before our collection. It had been an extremely stressful cycle since I wasn't responding to the meds in spite being on maximum doses - all of which they knew. Learning of their pregnancy (on the 1st try!) at this particular moment was extremely upsetting. I told my sister-in-law this and she said then didn't know when would be the best time to tell us and was afraid we would figure it on our own. Although I still don't really understand the logic behind telling us when they did (it's normal for us to go months with out seeing eachother), I suppose she is right - there wouldn't have been a good time to tell us. I think what bothered me most was that we just got an explanation without an apology.

Anyway, we decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. But it's now clear that, while neither one of them is malicious, they are missing a sentitivity gene. When my husband and I went over to see the baby right after they got home from the hospital my sister-in-law said to him: "you just can't imagine what it's like to feel this kind of love" (You're right. Thanks for rubbing it in!), and the last time we were there, without a trace of self-consciousness, she excitedly told me: "Motherhood is SO great. I'm ready to have five more!" (I can't even have one!)

My question is what do I do? I've tried talking to her. Once, while she was pregnant and complaining about morning sickness I told her that, while she was certainly deserving of sympathy, her complaints were difficult for me to hear. She always says she understands but then goes on to repeat the same behaviour. Every time I open myself to her to share my pain I feel even more hurt when she appears oblivious. Should I keep trying? Is there anything any of you have tried that has gotten through to tough cases? Or should I just accept that this is someone who will never get it and try to limit my contact with her? It's hard because, as I said, my husbands family are our only relatives in town. My sister-in-law dominates family gatherings and my husband's parents are all about the baby now.

Any words of advice of philosophy that will help me deal with this situation?

Knowing you'll understand,
Marion
Me:38 DH:35
ttc:Sept. 03
IUI Mar 04 BFN
IVF#1 June 04 BFN
IVF#2 Oct 04 BFN
IUI Dec 04 BFN
lap for endometrioma on rt ovary May 05
IVF #3 Sept 05 BFN
IVF#4 scheduled for Feb 07

#2 Marty

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Posted 22 May 2006 - 03:29 PM

Hi Marion,

Sorry you are dealing with the insensitivity of your sister-in-law. We all seem to have problems with them!! :blink: We are done with our IVF (three negative attempts) and have moved on to adoption. We did not share our infertility woes with my husbands brothers because I did not want to have to deal with the insensitive comments that I KNEW would be made (they all have kids). On Mother's day we went out with my DH's family and his sister in law chose not to come so we thought this would be the perfect time to share our adoption news (I can't stand my sister in law.) His brother was super happy for us and the kids were, well, you know kids. They did not seem to care one way or another. Anyway, the following week I ran into my sister-in-law's mother and she said to me "So, I hear HALF congratulations are in order!" Gee, I wonder where my sister in law gets her personality??? :wall: I even had a lady say "Are you sure you're ready for a kid? It's a lot of work, especially when they are adopted and they want to know who their parents are." :wall: Sometimes the less you share the better. I sympathize with your situation and your MIL being all wrapped up in the new baby. My MIL in knitting a baby blanket for us right now. She is excited that we are adopting (the youngest grandchild is 8 now so it's been a while since there has been a baby in the family). But, from time to time she does throw in "just wait, once you adopt you will get pregnant!" That comment just makes me so angry.....like our child is our consolation prize. :angry: I think the best thing you can do to get through it is lean on your supportive people (your mom) and vent to us. Sometimes it just helps to know that we all put up with the same crap!! Take care, Marty
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Put IVF behind us after five cycles.....
adopted domestically! Baby girl - born on November 4, 2006

Pregnant naturally.....Baby boy born on January 19, 2009

#3 Marion

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Posted 22 May 2006 - 06:38 PM

OMG Marty! Those comments were horrible! Sometimes people just suck!

But I have to confess hearing about your experiences made me feel a lot better. Sorry - and thank you!

Hey, does anyone else want to share the dumbest, or most thoughtless thing someone has said to them regarding their infertility? If we get enough responses, maybe we could pick a winner!

(so far that "HALF congratulations" comment is in the lead!)

Marion
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Me:38 DH:35
ttc:Sept. 03
IUI Mar 04 BFN
IVF#1 June 04 BFN
IVF#2 Oct 04 BFN
IUI Dec 04 BFN
lap for endometrioma on rt ovary May 05
IVF #3 Sept 05 BFN
IVF#4 scheduled for Feb 07

#4 an9817

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Posted 22 May 2006 - 09:11 PM

"You have to just relax and not be so stressed and it will happen!"""

Yeah, right!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After 5 IUI's, 2 failed IVF's, 1 successful IVF ending in a miscarriage - I have a right to be a little stressed when all my friends/family are going on their 2nd and 3rd child and I still have none after almost 10 years of marriage. Relax ?????? They are so inconsiderate. I hate that comment most of all! They are not the ones injecting all those hormones every day for months - sometimes 5 times daily!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are not the ones going to the doctor every day, acupuncture twice weekly, and waiting for the dreaded afternoon phone calls with instructions/results!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or in financial debt from all these expenses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to ramble - but I hear you loud and clear!!!!


Amy
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2 failed IVF's with ICSI and AH (March '05, June '05)
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Acupuncture September/October 2005
3rd IVF with ICSI, AH, co-culture and embryo glue, Acupuncture
ER 4/4/06 & ET 4/7/06
Positive HPT 4/17/06
"Empty sac" at 7 weeks - d&c on 5/9/06
My heart is broken...........................................................

#5 FloJo

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Posted 22 May 2006 - 09:37 PM

It's all too familiar when I read your posts.

I am always cornered during gatherings and parties... "10 years and still no kids !" . They must be thinking what is wong with them. When I am in the mood to entertain or shutting them up.... i just tell them that I dont have time for baby making !!!

Well, we are in this infertility pit for a long while and still trying to climb out.

Best Regards,
FloJo
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Me-39, DH-38 , Unexplained Infertility
Unsuccessful IUIs in 2004 BFN x 2
IVF/ICSI #1, Feb/Mar 05 BFN
FET, Apr 05 BFN
FET, Jul 05 Unsuccesful Thaw
IVF/ICSI #2, Oct/Nov 05 BFN again
FET, Feb & Mar 06 - Cancelled twice
FET, 3rd May 06 - BFN
Left with one precious blast
IVF/ICSI # 3, July 06 (short protocol), BFN
Left with 7 d2 frosties
FET, 29th Mar 08, Beta 14 April 2008
Left with 3 d2 and one precious blast

#6 cehymas

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Posted 23 May 2006 - 12:24 AM

Ohhh, I hate the "just relax and let it happen!!!!!!"

About 3 months ago my MIL told me that I had to much going on in my life and that the stress was probably why I couldn't conceive. My DH about lost it. We've been trying for 15 years, he asked her, "Do you think she's been stressed every month for 15 years?" Also, we live in another country, how can she know how stressed I am or am not??

When I e-mailed my brother that the first cycle didn't work he came back with "relax and let it happen." Well, I had had enough. So I told him that the relax and let it happen method didn't work for us, as evidenced by 15 years of marriage with no baby. I then let him know exactly what IVF entailed, the tests before you can even start, the meds, all of those u/s, the waiting, the discomfort of the ER, etc. Funny I haven't heard back from him since.

The night before my ET last week my SIL sent me a letter to relax, as her nursing instructor had told her this helped with the hormone levels. Well, since I have 19 years of nursing experience and am a Nurse Practitioner, and have experienced IF, I knew this wasn't true. So I explained it all to her in reality terms. Then I went upstairs and told my DH that if anyone else told me to relax I was going to lose it. Surprise, he felt the same way.

As you can tell, I've stopped just taking the comments. When someone tells me to relax I tell them that method has been proved to not work for us. And if the will listen I tell them a bit more about IF.

During my ET the RE had a difficult time getting the catheter into my cervix, as I have some ossificiation (hardening) and the catheter was too soft. So there I am in stirrups, with everyone standing around, while they experiment with another catheter type and then go transfer the embryos into a stiffer catheter. To lighten things up a little bit my DH leaned over and said "just relax." At that moment, coming from him, it was funny.

My second pet peeve--People assume that because I have a career I chose to not have children. ARGH, I never planned on a career. It just kind of happened while we were waiting for a baby.
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Constance (40), DH (49)
TTC 15 years
IUI #1 Nov 05 BFN
IUI #2 Feb 06 BFN
IVF #1 April 06, ER 5 April, ET 7 April (3 embies)--BFN
IVF#2 May 06, with AH and ICIS, ER 17 May, ET 19 May (3 embies)--BFN

Not sure what is next, but I need a break from TTC.

#7 susanc

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Posted 23 May 2006 - 01:27 AM

hey ladies
marion I have a take on how possibly your could deal with your sister in law but who knows if she will hear you or not. But I imagine that it may help in terms of not holding resentment towards them. I would honestly in situations where she says the stuff like mother hood is so great ect and you say you have talked to her and she continues. Then the next time she says something say right there and then. I am glad you like mother hood but as I told you several times stop and think before you speak. I had a friend of my husbands tell us hey why aren't you guys having kids yet. You know stop being selfish with kids you can still go out and have fun!!!!!!!!!
I guess what I mean is show her how she could have said that would make you feel better. Like maybe this parenting thing feels great I hope it happens for you both. as for your dh parents i feel the same way since my sister had her son and another on the way the world revolves around her. i swear i don't even think i am there child anymore. i have thought about this at lenght and i am happy about it now because now they pick on me less. but maybe in your situation you are closer to your parents. awsome that you told your sil how you felt. i think there is always two sides to a story though i understand that your sil has been insensitive but there is a part of what she is saying that is even though it hasn't happened to us yet is true. having kids is amazing. the questions is whether she had said it in a different way, like the love she felt for that child is amazing ect would it have made a difference in how you felt? I have had to ask myself this question several times. and remember there is nothing wrong with taking a break from the interaction with them if it truly hurts you and your not ready for it now
susanc
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starting at genisis on oct 10 /06
Male factor infertility

#8 moolani

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Posted 23 May 2006 - 11:06 AM

Wow!!!! I am so glad you started this thread Marion. I thought I was the only one that was "going on 10 years of marriage with no kids to show for it" and feeling like every fertile woman out there is judging me!

How about this one? Dh's sister decided about 12 years ago that she needed to have a baby. She was then with hubby#1 (who wanted to wait until he finished school) and left him to ttc with hubby#2. She called dh about a month before our wedding to ask him when the best time for her to get married would be - he said anytime except 1 week after our wedding as we would be moving. Guess when she scheduled her wedding? Of course back then, I wasn't even thinking of ttc. She had #1 within the year. She started ttc #2 just when we started to ttc #1. Guess what - she got pg only after 3 months! She claims she knows how I feel because "it didn't happen right away" for them. I'm sorry, but there is no way you know what it is like to go 6+ years - I mean, you couldn't even wait to get out of your first marriage!!! The first time we met #2 was when she was about 6 months old. Dh asked if he could hold his neice and the SIL said "NO!, she doesn't like strangers." Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know that strangers included blood relatives who sent gifts to her. Anyway, this year is our 10th wedding anniversary - and guess what SIL wants us to do? Yup, she decided she was going to leave her kids with us (who she has never left with us ever before) so she and her husband can have a romantic weekend in the mountains for their 10th! This after her telling me that I'm lucky because I WON'T have kids to think of when I'm travelling. Um, did you hear that we are adopting? Or like MIL would say "they won't be real family"...

Anyway, that's my rant. Sorry if I went on. Just wanted you to know that fertile people are insensitive because they truly don't get it and will never get it.

Thanks! You gals make me feel like you understand.

Em
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#9 cehymas

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Posted 23 May 2006 - 12:08 PM

Em,
Your MIL comment made me think about my own family. I was adopted 40 years ago. At the time my Mom and Dad had 3 children, ages 21, 20, and 14. But my mom desperately wanted another. At the time all of the family on both sides told her it was the biggest mistake she would ever make (she was 41 and my dad was 50). Now they all tell her it was the best thing she ever did. Most of the came around pretty quickly. A few others took 20-30 years.

Constance
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Constance (40), DH (49)
TTC 15 years
IUI #1 Nov 05 BFN
IUI #2 Feb 06 BFN
IVF #1 April 06, ER 5 April, ET 7 April (3 embies)--BFN
IVF#2 May 06, with AH and ICIS, ER 17 May, ET 19 May (3 embies)--BFN

Not sure what is next, but I need a break from TTC.

#10 Jillie

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Posted 23 May 2006 - 12:32 PM

Wow - there are some really rude people out there ("insensitive" is not a strong enough word!), particularly in our own families!

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the "just relax and it'll happen" advice. My DH even believed it for awhile and I had to talk him through the absurdity of that statement.

I also had DH's very young cousin (I think I posted about this on another forum many months ago) - who got pregnant with her first in the second month of trying and got pregnant with the second one the first month of trying! - offer advice on timing intercourse! Oh, so, a well-educated 39 year old woman, who had been going to a fertility clinic for more than two years already doesn't know that women have "fertile" times during the month!! Can you imagine?! I was 11 years old when my mother brought home the "Life Cycle" books explaining ovulation, pregnancy, etc.!

I know DH's cousin really was trying to be helpful, but seriously, ....

Finally, a couple of weeks ago, a friend and I were visiting another friend who is still on maternity leave. The maternity leave friend was talking about how rough the first few months were with her son and said to me, "uggh, you are so lucky you won't have to go through that". Driving home, I had to explain to non-maternity leave friend why that was such an incredibly stupid thing to say.

Thankfully, my family has been relatively supportive.

Jillie
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Me: 42 (how did that happen?!); DH: 33
TTC: 5 years - Clomid, Laparoscopy (endo), IUI, IVF, FET - no luck!
Moved to ADOPTION
to build our family
Logged in in China: May 2006; switched to Ethiopia program: May 2007
Dossier to Ethiopia July 2007
Received referral for an adorable boy: September 2007
Ethiopian courts approved adoption December 2007, i.e. I'm officially a mom!
Awaiting completion of immigration requirements to bring our son home to Canada
Son's citizenship granted March 2008
Home with our BEAUTIFUL BOY: April 2008

#11 Marion

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Posted 23 May 2006 - 04:03 PM

Wow, you know what? When I wrote my first post I was feeling so hurt by my SIL's behaviour, but your responses have somehow taken the pain away. Thank you so much!

Amy, Constance, Jillie - It's amazing how many people still buy into the "just relax" myth. It really is infuriating. As if we don't feel bad enough that our bodies aren't cooperating, for people to then tell you that if you just changed your attitude it would happen...! Talk about adding insult to injury! I once had someone tell me that "there must be something going on in your life, some reason why you're not ready to be a parent or it would happen." I could have strangled her! One of the only things I'm sure of is that my husband and I are totally in love (after being together almost eleven years) and ready to be parents. Does she think that all those fourteen year olds and drug addicts who get pregnant are "ready"?

Jillie I can totally relate to people not understanding that we all know more than we ever wanted to about how to get pregnant! Unfortuneately the problem is not a lack of information!

Constance that joke your husband made in the stirrups was great! My husband is also great at cracking jokes. A sense of humor goes a long way to making all this bearable.

I guess it shouldn't surprise me that people are as insensitive when it comes to adoption as infertility. That sucks! But I for one am so excited for all of you that are on that road! Constance your own story is inspirational!

Finally, Susan I appreciated your advice about my SIL. That's a good idea, I think I will try addressing her comments as soon as she makes them (instead of going home and stewing about them for weeks!) I think the reason I haven't in the past is that I was just so shocked - but now that I know to expect it I'll be ready. And you're absolutely right, it's not that I don't want her to feel all the joy of motherhood (of course I know it must be great - why else would I be doing all this!) I'd just like her to take my feelings into consideration once in a while.

Thanks again - and keep those rude comments coming!
Marion
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Me:38 DH:35
ttc:Sept. 03
IUI Mar 04 BFN
IVF#1 June 04 BFN
IVF#2 Oct 04 BFN
IUI Dec 04 BFN
lap for endometrioma on rt ovary May 05
IVF #3 Sept 05 BFN
IVF#4 scheduled for Feb 07

#12 Marty

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Posted 24 May 2006 - 12:02 AM

Hi Guys!!

I am getting such a giggle out of reading how lame our families are!! :rofl:

Jillie- I just about peed my pants when I read that you guys had the "Life Cycle Series"....we had them too!! :rofl: Hell, if I did not have those books to read I don't know how I would have learned about sex!! That is to funny.

Em- Your MIL did not really say that an adopted child would not be real family, did she? :thud-faint: Holy crap, I do not even know what I would do in that situation!! My MIL just invited us over for a dreaded Sunday dinner and yes, my SIL from hell will be there. :wall: I think one of theses days I am just going to absolutely snap on her. :angry: There is only so much a person can take. My MIL knows that we all don't get along yet insists on us all getting together...I just don't get it. :bangin:

Constance- I'm so glad that you have a great family :wub: . I just don't get why some people think that adopted children are less "real" than biological children?? I'm just glad that every one has come around in your family. I do believe that my SIL or possibly my DH's ex-wife will be the two people who have some sort of passive aggressive comment regarding our adoption. But, at the end of the day, they are bags and I should not worry about them, right? :mf_swordfight:

I read everyone's comments but there are to many to respond to individually. You ladies rock and sure make it easier to deal with my infertility woes. :flowers: Marty
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Put IVF behind us after five cycles.....
adopted domestically! Baby girl - born on November 4, 2006

Pregnant naturally.....Baby boy born on January 19, 2009

#13 Hope

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Posted 24 May 2006 - 01:11 PM

:flowers: Hi, I am so sorry your family is so incredibly insensitive to your situation. I have found the in-law side of the family and most of our friends to be incredibly insensitive too <_< . I understand what you are saying, but trust me - some people just simply don't care enough about our plight to be considerate or sensitive enough :bangin: . That is what it seems to boil down to... Especially anyone who is pregnant. I can testify to this, as I do not know of anyone right now who isn't either pregnant or just had a baby! Very painful to be surrounded by this :tears: . And they know of our struggles, and yet go on and on and on about everything, and every detail, oblivious to my feelings :( , just completely insensitive and cruel. So my best advice to you is to: 1) forgive them for their incredible stupidity 2) keep your distance 3) surround yourself with support from me, this forum, childless friends and neighbours. I have posted a letter that you should print off and give to these insensitive people, and just leave it in their hands - wait for their reply. In the mean time get on with whatever it is that you need to do to get support, and stay away from those who hurt you :runaway: and only surround yourself with whatever and whomever nurtures you :) My letter is posted under the General Infertility (I think... it's been a while!) but if you can't find it, email me and I will send you a copy :flowers:
Good luck, take care of yourself, and stop wasting your time on those who don't give you the same effort and consideration! We have to put ourselves first, as nobody else will, and we have to do whatever we need to to take care of ourselves :pray:

#14 Tash

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Posted 24 May 2006 - 02:10 PM

Fellow Fertlity Friends,

It's so wonderful reading your responses and it's so uplifting hearing that other people are in similar circumstances and share the same resentments and sentiments.

Apart from hearing all the insensitive comments, getting a BFN just a day before Mother's Day, and hearing the stupid and thoughtless comments from people, I have another dimension to add to this spectrum.

My dh comes from a large family, and we also have a great network of friends (all whom have children). so we've heard just about everything, but I also get frustrated with people constantly calling me and asking me how it's going, or as I put it, being toooooo supportive.

I always get..."Well, what's the next step?" or "What happens now?". They seem to call me at work, and at home at night, and make me go through the process of explaining every intimate detail of our ordeal. I get books and brochures mailed to me, faxes at work with newspaper articles, I can't tell you how many gifts I've received of angel pins, religous items, lists of adoption agencies and cards. I get the sympathetic eyes and glares. People feel really sorry for me and want to do anything to help. After every BFN, I get to talk about it endlessly. - I can't believe I'm venting about this -

I've told people nicely on occasions, that it's confidential, upsetting to talk about and I'll let them know when the treatments work. I just can't take a day off work, or go to bed early without being asked if I'm going to my RE visits, ultrasounds, blood tests or having a nervous breakdown. I love my friends and family, I can't just ask them to never bring it up, they care too much.

Is it just me?

I don't know which is worse, insensitive or just plain nosy.
ttc 6 years, me 36, dh 36
IUI x 4 - BFN, BFN, BFN, BFN
IVF #1 - Ectopic - caused left tube blockage - BFN
IVF #2 - BFN, IVF #3 - FET - 3 frosties - BFN
DH had Vericoseles surgery - count up from 2M to 40M
DNA Fragmentation - 25, 27, 29 - not good
Male Factor - he is taking Fertile One Supplements
IVF #4 - May 3, 2007 - Surprise another BFN
IVF #5 - FET - July 6 cancelled. Hydrosalpinx salpingectomy surgery Sept. 14
IVF #5 Again- FET Oct 18... POAS 6dp3dt (faint line), Beta October 31 - BFP 365 - 13dp3dt
Beta#2 - 670, Beta#3 - 1473, Beta#4 - 4473, Beta#5 - 9543
Ultrasound - November 17 - Twins! Twin A heartbeat 165
Ultrasound to detect Twin B's Heart beat - November 21 - Heart Never Started to Beat. RIP little one.
7w6d Beta 56,003 - Hematoma (4.1 cm) and 4 weeks bedrest. Ultrasound every Wednesday.
12w4d - Hematoma gone completely. Back to work January 2. Baby is healthy. hb 154
It's a girl!!! Born July 19, 12:05am, 7 pounds 14 ounces
Liljana Stavroula - our little "Lily"
IVF #6 -FET - Sept 30, 2009 - one 5 cell & two 7 cell - BIG BFN
IVF #7 - FET November 25. Beta-December 9, please send me your prayers - BFN
4/11/2010 - Natural BFP. Don't understand how with all our issues. In shock!
Due Date: December 8, 2010 - One little miracle! It's a Boy!!!!
Mattias Anton born November 30th, 8:45am, 8 pounds 5 ounces - Mats, Welcome to my World!

#15 edna

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Posted 26 May 2006 - 09:48 PM

Well I suppose there are 2 camps - those who prefer not to disclose their private fertility issues with others and those who cannot keep a secret to save his/her skin. I am the latter.
My first lesson in fertility, aside from the video Miracle of Life and a lot of teenage girl "pillow talk" was from my dad. He said if you "do it" you'll get pregnant and it will be a terrible disgrace on the whole family. We would have to change churches, I would have to change schools, etc... I thought, ya right.
My second lesson was from an ex-boyfriend who said he was infertile, because he climbed a local radio tower a lot. I thought, ya right. Mental note: Get on the pill, because if you get pregnant by this guy YOU will need your head examined.
My third lesson in fertility came from my husband. My D/H comes from a large, bawdy, loud yet wonderful Catholic family. Everyone assumed we would get pregnant when we wanted to, or whenever we decided to share a washcloth - sorry family joke. Fertility is not an issue for most of them.
My on-going lesson in fertility, if you decide to share it, be prepared to take it. My D/H is great at keeping secrets, but alas, I am the world's worst poker player. Sometimes I tell something even before I know it. Point is - since I chose to share my rollercoaster ride with people who were genuinely interested in me and my husband, I have accepted that just because they love us; they do not always understand us. Try to explain assisted hatching, cryopreservation, embryo glue and acupuncture. You can read their faces when you try to explain these things. My MIL thought we were going to give her a sticky, frozen, test-tube chicken with holes in its body for a grandson/daughter.

:eggchick:

Okay I am exagerating, but when responding to another discussion, it occured to me that I can control very few things. I cannot control what others say to me. I cannot control what others think of me. I cannot control certain bodily functions. (OK I threw that one in to see if you were still awake.) But I can control how I deal with my feelings, how I respond to what other insensitive people say, and how I look at this whole lesson in fertility. This forum is one way. Our whole lives are one giant school of lessons. I have chosen not to judge others without walking in their shoes. Hopefully, one day I will get to walk in the fertile people's shoes, but maybe this journey will have taught me how to be a sensitive parent.

Edna
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Male Infertility and PCOS
3 IUIs in 2005 BFN
IVF w/ ICSI December 7, 2005 (2 embies) BFN
FET April 13, 2006 (4 frosties) BFN (1 frosty left)
3rd IVF w/ ICSI and acupuncture - changed to IUI June 20 & 21

#16 an9817

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Posted 27 May 2006 - 03:37 PM

WOW - well said Edna, I have to keep all that in mind.
Amy
4 failed IUI's (oct '04, Nov'04, Oct'05, Nov'05)
2 failed IVF's with ICSI and AH (March '05, June '05)
Me-33y.o. h/o Hashimoto's; hypothyroid, protein s deficiency
DH-33y.o. male factor treated with clomid
Acupuncture September/October 2005
3rd IVF with ICSI, AH, co-culture and embryo glue, Acupuncture
ER 4/4/06 & ET 4/7/06
Positive HPT 4/17/06
"Empty sac" at 7 weeks - d&c on 5/9/06
My heart is broken...........................................................

#17 susanc

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Posted 28 May 2006 - 02:31 AM

edna
I just came from work and sometimes I like to read the posts prior to bed to get our my feelings or just listen. I am laughing my ass off your post was hilarious, yet very informative. I am also caltholic big clan that expect that just looking at each other produces, so I go that loud and clear. But most of all I also have choosen to talk about his sometimes just a little to loud, but all the same it has helped me and hindered me too. Thanks for your post
susanc
me 30/dh 34
ttc since 2003
starting at genisis on oct 10 /06
Male factor infertility

#18 S&S

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Posted 28 May 2006 - 08:49 PM

We were blessed (Sure, Many people wouldn't consider having to spend tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments blessed though) And even after our daughter was born, people made comments like, "Oh I know someone who had a test-tube baby and he was really smart" Now, I wonder what that has to do with anything?!!? I mean do they expect my daughter to be sub-par and are reassuring me that they should be ok? Or are they implying that our "test-tube" baby is some kind of super-baby? People need to give their heads a shake and see if they rattle. We thank God every day for our little girl but our hearts break when we see good people on here who aren't so lucky.

When we were TTC (six years or so), people would ask about why we don't have kids and after a while, I would become snarky with them. One time, I replied, "Because we're having fertility issues, thanks for the reminder. Do you want to ask me about my Grandma's cancer too?" That usually shut people up. We realized that most people were ignorant, not insensitive. Its the family and close friends who know and still ask that are the worst.
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#19 Bookworm

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  • Interests:Reading (mainly contemporary fiction), cross stitch, the British soap Coronation Street (I met DH at a Corrie Fan Club in Edmonton!)
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  • My Clinic:Foothills

Posted 29 May 2006 - 02:35 PM

Wow I feel "lucky" so far. Athough DH and I have only been TTC for 3 years, the only one to have made truly insensitive comments (other than a few just relax from my mom, but I straightened her out) was my sister. She has a stressful family dynamic: stepson with emotional problems and crazy-ass birth mother and a son who's a great kid but really active and back-talking. Her hubby works two weeks in two weeks out (way up north) so she has to deal with all the kids' stuff alone a lot of the time. When she's frustrated with them she says to me, "Have ten! They're great!" or "Are you sure you want kids?". I hate these comments more than anything. :smileystooges: Normally she's a great person, and we do talk about a lot of things. She hasn't said it for a while, but if she does again I will have a serious talk with her.

Now that we've decided to move onto adoption everyone we've told has been very supportive. DH and I and several of the folks we want to use as references for the homestudy either are adopted or have friends, siblings or children who have adopted and all are thrilled for us. My mother tries hard, but I think she has a little bit of a problem with the international thing, which is strange because her best friend is a British woman married to an Asian/Trinidadian man and when I was a kid my birthday parties looked like the United Nations with Native, black, Asian and white kids running all over the place. I think my mom is concerned how her mother (my only remaining grandparent) will react. My grandmother has told me (long before IF reared its ugly head) that she could never understand how anyone could adopt someone else's child. I haven't told her yet, and have no idea how to broach that we are going international. I don't think I would be disowned, but I wouldn't be as close as now, I can sense. I hope a cute little baby will change her mind, but I just don't know. She lives in a different city, so I don't have to see her too often if it's a problem. So far though we've been lucky with the support we have had in IF, IVF and adoption. My mom told me she's glad we aren't doing another round of IVF as she saw how hard it was physically :ouch: and emotionally :icon_cry: on me and DH (well, emotionally for him!).

I can't believe some of the stories from you all, though. I think "Half Congratulations" would send me over the edge!

Thanks for starting this thread,
Lesley
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. --Douglas Adams
Me 42 DH 40
TTC 2003 to 2007, 6 IUI with clomid, 1 IVF, 1 FET--no success
Decide to create a family through international adoption from Ethiopia.
August 5, 2008: Referral for an adorable boy born October, 2007!
November 11, 2008: Court successful, I'm officially a Mommy!
December 24, 2008: Home with our son!
December 14, 2011: Autism diagnosis, and we enter a completely new world!
Present: I can't imagine my life without this little miracle in it. He amazes me every day.

#20 Marty

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Posted 29 May 2006 - 03:52 PM

Hi Gang,

It's me again. I thought I would give you the update from the family dinner last night (you know, the bag of a SIL and the one who's Mother gave me the "half congratulations.") :bangin: So, I think I have made it pretty clear that she is a b*itch.....you can feel the tension in the room as soon as she walks in. Well, I am always trying to be nice for my MIL's sake. Well, she walks in, I say "hello" and she totally ignores me!! :blink: It has happened way to many times for me to really care, but the fact that I have to hold my tongue is quite a feat! Anyway, DH was hanging a ceiling fan in the other room for my MIL so I took my dog and went and kept him company. Funny thing is....her kids came down there to hang with us :blush: . So, then we sit down to dinner.....I'm doing pretty good having my own conversations with people and basically just ignoring her...then my MIL chimes in and says to her "So, did John (dh's brother) tell you their news? That they are adopting? " To which she replies "Yes." :thud-faint: That's it...."Yes" :thud-faint: :thud-faint: :thud-faint:
At the very least, throw me out the other half of the congratulations that your mother gave me last week!! :rofl: I just don't get some people. Her kids love me though.....I should tell her the cute story when her daughter said to me "I wish you were my Mom." :wub: Her Mom just rags on her kids all the time. I have to bite my lip all through dinner about the nagging they get. One day ladies, I think the sh*t is going to hit the fan and the gloves will come off!! :mf_swordfight: (or in this case, the swords will come out!!) :rofl:

Lesley- I just wanted to let you know that I had what I thought was a similar grandmother situation as you. I thought there was no way in heck she would think adoption was ok. I called her a few weeks ago and told her our news and she was thrilled for us! Even if we were going international she was fine. I was shocked but happy :dance: . She is turning 90 in a few weeks so I thought I would share our news....she was actually not doing very well health wise which was a catalyst but she seems to be bouncing back nicely.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. :drinks: Marty
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Put IVF behind us after five cycles.....
adopted domestically! Baby girl - born on November 4, 2006

Pregnant naturally.....Baby boy born on January 19, 2009

#21 moolani

moolani

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Posted 29 May 2006 - 06:59 PM

Hi all,

S&S - thanks for the tip on what to say! I will have to try that! :rofl:

Lesley - you sound so happy with your decision. I think it's great! Have you done any more research into countries/agencies?
I also wanted to let you know that we had a similar situation to your grandmother when I told my father. We were so scared that he wouldn't be supportive. His sister, my aunt is adopted and they don't get along - he would always say that "if God meant him to have a sister, he would have given him one". So I was terrified to tell him about a grandchild - but to our surprise, although he didn't say much at the time, he thinks it will be good for us.

Marty - I can't believe what a B@#%* your SIL is. Can't wait until the day comes when you take those "gloves" off. Although, I truly believe that you will kill her with sweetness instead!

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Em

#22 Frozenember

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Posted 29 August 2006 - 10:50 AM

Here goes,

THought I would throw some comments i have received in. And first off you are an amazing group of women and I have spent 4 years on a WEB MD board for TTC and wish I would have started off here!

My FIL is a real winner, DH has 1 sister who has been PG countless times, has 2 children and I don't even want to get into the rest, his brothers (2) both each have 1 young child. My FIL everytime we would go over to see him the first words out of his mouth would be "Are you PG yet?" which I always followed with a no, not yet, sorry, but we will let you know when we have happy news to share. FInally a few years back we sat down and told him "look we have IF, your Son's sperm are nor shaped correctly and the only was for him to father a child is IVF) to which he said "There's nothing wrong with any of MY BOYS" and went on to inform us that all Dr's are quacks and maybe we are just and get this "Maybe we are doing it wrong!" SO I offered to hop up on the kitchen table and demonstrate (which didn't go over well either :) )

We then looked into DIUI and adoption and mentioned it to him, looking for support of course, and he said "Well it won't be MY grandchild so don't bother bringing that thing around here"

Needless to say my FIL is an insensitive jerk! the rest of them aren't much better but you can tell some of them at least try.

So for us dealing with him is more stressful than our IF battle has been, and yet still wonders why I don't like to go over there!?!?! I think he has long term memory issues, that or I hold on too long to this stuff. But I am taking the adive for a PP to say right away when they make comments.

cheers,

Jenn

#23 Marty

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Posted 29 August 2006 - 10:48 PM

Jen,

Your FIL sounds like a real jerk. What a terrible thing to say to that it won't be his grandchild. :angry: I find it strange that a man cares so much if his son and DIL have a child yet....usually that is a woman/mother/MIL thing. Hang in there....the world is full of insensitive people. When we went through and did our home study to adopt one of the adoptive mother's who had adopted from China said "You will have to forgive people in advance for the stupid things they are going to say to you." I have really kept that to heart because the same thing will happen when some people find out about IVF treatments. I guess at the end of the day, if your FIL chooses not to be involved in the child's life it will be his loss. Who needs that kind of male influence being around your precious child anyway?? Take care, Marty
Put IVF behind us after five cycles.....
adopted domestically! Baby girl - born on November 4, 2006

Pregnant naturally.....Baby boy born on January 19, 2009

#24 chibabies

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Posted 31 October 2006 - 02:13 PM

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to post this video here. Some of you might find it useful to pass on to close friends and family who don't always "get it".

http://www.vocalicio..._arms_mod2.html

Warning: I found it very moving...but not a good one to watch at work with mascara. :icon_cry:
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Posted Image

#25 MariaH

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Posted 31 October 2006 - 08:20 PM

That Girl, that was just wonderful....it is so to the point and down right honnest. I love it and felt like I was reading my story....and everyone else's on this site.
thank you and good luck in your journey.
Maria
Me 32 DH 31
TTC #1 since March 2003
9 clomid + IUI = BFN
PCOS diagnosed May 2006
IVM #1: ER Oct 10/06; ET Oct 13/06 (2x8 cell & 2x7 cell)-BFN
FET December 13 2006 ( 1x 8 cell, 1x7 cell & 2x 6 cell) - BFN
IVF #1 ER March 16/07 - 11 eggs (3 mature and 8 little ones)
Praying my little ones hang on. BFN