12 replies to this topic

[Merry33]

DH and I are just starting to head into the adoption journey and I feel a bit lost (to be honest, I feel more lost in this than I ever felt going into IVF).

 

We are going to talk to 2 agencies in the next little while, and I already got the initial application packages and was starting to fill out forms.

So there is this thing called SAFE questionnaire, and wow - they ask some very (!) personal questions. I knew that they would during the home study, but I didn't expect having to answer questions about my early sexual experiences, how good our married sex life is etc on paper.

 

Anyway, for those of you who already went through this - how open/honest were you in your answers/do you think one should be? I obviously have no intent of lying about facts, but the truth is not always 100% straightforward, right? Eg, my childhood was generally fun and good, and my parents never separated or divorced, but there was certainly issues.

Does the social worker later on go through this questions or is this just a "first screening" kind of thing?

I guess I'm worried that we would be "screened out" before even starting a home study, but maybe I'm totally overreacting?

 

Thank in advance for any advice on this!

[Lea]

You don't have to lie, but you don't have to tell them everything either.

When we went through our home study through CAS, they literally wrote every word down and I found that through the process they would quote you back on what you had said. I hated it. So when it came time to answer the sex questions, we just said that we were compatible in that department and everything was good - and she wrote that down. I know that they ask you about your ex-partners, but really just answer the question and don't volunteer anything more and you'll be fine. If you told them every little detail, is your DH aware of everything?

When they asked me about my family, my one sister and I do not get along and in order for us to be approved I had to meet with my sister and try to mend the fences. If I didn't do this we would not be approved. They held a gun to my head. I wished I had never told them any of that info. So whatever your issues are, if it didn't tear your family apart, I wouldn't mention it. Anyway, be honest, but they don't need to know everything!

Just my 2 cents from my experience.

Best of luck to you and DH

[Merry33]

Thank you so much Lea! This is pretty much what I had suspected (that they would keep focusing on anything negative I would disclose), and I really appreciate you telling me about your experience!

 

I have a similar situation with my sister, and purposely contacted/met up with her so I would avoid that exact same situation you described from the start.

 

I understand that they want to really know who we are and make sure they give every child to a good family, but certainly we have some sort of basic rights too...

[Lea]

 
I understand that they want to really know who we are and make sure they give every child to a good family, but certainly we have some sort of basic rights too...

I agree with you on both counts here!

[Valasia]

I didn't have too much problem filling out my questionnaire but I know one of my references had concerns. She was concerned that checking off something in particular would cast myself or dh in a negative light and that was not her intention. I spoke with a senior caseworker about it and asked if she could add her own note about the answer she gave and I was told it was perfectly ok to do that. That being said when the home-study got underway it was in essence an elaboration of the safe questionnaire not only for us but our references.

My sister who has been through this, and a lot of what I read suggested to just be as honest as possible. They are not going to not approve because a person argues with their spouse or had an abusive parent. They are more interested in knowing the people have strategies in place to work through stuff with the spouse and that they recognize the proper ways for the discipline of children and have appropriately worked through any abuse they may have suffered.

I and a lot of people are a bit nervous about sharing so much personal information but it really wasn't all that bad in the end. We had a good hs writer very easy to chat with.

Good luck!

[JacMac]

My massage herapist days she knows someone who was turned down because they answered truthfully that hey have one or two glasses a day of alcohol. I'm thinking that someone who is alcoholic would probably avoid the question altogether than to answer truthfully.

[impatient]

I found the SAFE questionnaire to be pretty offensive too.  I understand that they need to know about a history of sexual abuse, but some of the other questions I thought were unnecessary.

 

I think it's better to be honest (well, 99% honest!) than to lie and then be caught out.  The social workers have a lot of experience working with people.  They'll know if something doesn't add up or if you're hiding something.  Besides, as Valasia mentioned, the important thing for them is not so much what happened in your past, but rather what you have learned from it and how you currently handle stressful situations and relationships.

 

In our case, our homestudy worker hardly asked about the SAFE questionnaires.  She asked us face to face about our families and our past, and then she ended up taking so long to write the homestudy that she forgot the answers.  We ended up changing lots of (incorrect) details in our homestudy and had to send it back to her for several re-writes.

 

Edit:  One thing I should mention is that, by law, the agency has to keep your homestudy and other personal paperwork on file forever, even if you don't end up adopting.  That was a bit of a shock for us because we thought it would be returned to us from the private agency that we didn't end up using.  If we had known, we would have asked more questions about their security systems.

[Merry33]

Oh, I didn't even know that the References have to fill out those forms too. Oh my.....Are they filling out the I or II questionnaire, or both?

 

JacMac - yes, I thought that something like this might be an issue. And I also find that's where it gets complicated. For example I'm from Europe (and with that I don't just mean my heritage, but I grew up there and lived there until my late 20s). And things are just different there, and I have my doubts that a social worker here really recognizes these types of things (maybe I'm wrong, but I have some serious doubts). The alcohol is only one example - here one cannot drink until being 21 yrs old, where I grew up you can drink at age 16. Moreover, it is entirely normal for people to have a glass of wine with dinner, whereas here it is almost frowned upon (I don't, out of other reasons, but just as an example). None of my friends are alcoholics, but I'd say 90% of them do this. So, if I tell the social worker that I drank alcohol at age 16/17, I'm afraid they will completely misinterpret this as they might not interpret it in the correct cultural context. If that makes any sense....

And sure, they probably get some training in these kinds of things, but to what extent is a social worker really able to overcome his/her potential personal bias? But maybe I'm overthinking this....

And then my DH comes yet from another cultural background (East Indian).

 

impatient - yes, thank you! I find some of the questions VERY offensive (especially all the questions related to our sex life) I'm definitely not going to lie about anything, I'm talking more about the subtle things (like when you're asked to describe characteristics of your parents etc).

Maybe I'm too emotional about the whole thing right now, but it really bothers me.

[RainbowsPromise]

My DH and I were completely honest and our SW didn't end up really asking us too much about the SAFE form- they are basically looking for "red flags", she told us, like the fact that my DH's father is an ex-alcoholic and how that was for him being raised in that environment, and that I don't get along with my sister either (her choice- she's made it clear she's not interested in what's happening in our lives, actually told me that outright after my m/c). We talked over those issues and like others have said, it's basically to make sure you have worked through the issues and have strategies for dealing with certain situations. She didn't even really discuss the sex question at all- basically said nothing alarmed her so she just left it at that. Ours is a Christian agency and our worker didn't even flinch when it came to the "darker" sides of our lives (not that there are many but we're not perfect by any means!)

 

I'm with the others- be as honest as you can be because if they see you hedging or hiding something when they go over the form, that'll raise a red flag more than anything. In our case, it was three months from the time we filled out the form until we did our home study and by then we'd both pretty much forgotten what we put on there anyways (or I should say, we didn't have to remember what we put because we were 100% honest- if you aren't truthful about an answer, it'll be a lot harder to remember. That's just too much work in my mind, lol).

 

One thing I would recommend is that you photocopy everything before sending it in. We first signed up with a private agency and then were able to use our home study for the govt (because it was within a year) but we needed to get copies of the SAFE form for our govt worker- our agency was good about it but it did create more work for them having to scan and e.mail everything, instead of me just handing over copies to our govt worker. 

 

In the end, the adoption process IS very invasive but it is what it is- if every single person who had a baby had to go through the same process, I'm sure there would be a lot fewer children in govt care. It's sad really the hoops one has to go through to become a parent after dealing with infertility when it's so easy for others but you have to go with the system or you'll drive yourself nuts in the process. 

[impatient]

We usually drink alcohol with dinner.  (We like our good food and wine!)  I'm pretty sure we were open about it, and I don't remember it being asked about at all.

 

I guess it all depends so much on who you end up getting as a social worker.  By the same token though, I would be a little skeptical of what someone said someone said someone said ... if you know what I mean.  Drinking wine with dinner may have been one small problem out of many large problems, right?

 

In terms of different cultural backgrounds, our impression was that they are desperately looking for prospective parents of diverse backgrounds, so I would think that would be an asset.

 

Also, if you are too straight-laced, that could be a negative.  That don't want you to have a drug problem (obviously), but they want you to be empathetic to the plight of birth parents who can't raise their kids due to addiction, especially because open relationships between adoptees and birth parents are increasingly common these days.

[SoonToBeMom]

I started working on my forms this past week. . . those safe questionnaires really stressed me out. 

concerns: past wounds, past hurts

I am resolved in many of the areas, but what frustrates me is that now it's on paper in someone's office; who will protect this info.?

I was very upset because many of us are better mothers on purpose than some are by accident

 

I know it's best for the children/to protect them.

The forms ask about other family members--well how can we protect their info when they did not choose adoption; why compromise their privacy.

[SoonToBeMom]

At least we can say "we tried'

Adoption is not a failure, just more hoops to jump to become a parent.

[impatient]

LOL ... just read this thread over again.  Funny how perspective changes with time and now having two kids through adoption.

 

I still think some of the homestudy questions are offensive, but I realize now what some of those questions were about.

 

For example, all the questions about how do you handle stress in your relationship.  Wow, nothing like young energetic children to throw you over the edge if you are already having troubles with this! 

 

And all those questions about support.  At the time, I was feeling insecure about this because we had lost touch with so many people because of infertility.  Now I get it.  There are days when you NEED respite, and there are some friends and family who can offer it, and some who can't.  I wish so much that we had set up more support for ourselves right from the beginning, asked more of our family and friends, and set up some solid babysitters or mother's helpers instead of trying to prove that we knew it all and could do it all ourselves.  Some days it truly does take a village ...