12 replies to this topic

[gibasgirl]

So I am grappling with this next chapter. I'm not a dog person, but there are other ways to navigate being a family of two due to circumstances.

Some good tips.

http://theadventurou...ving-children/

[Red Wine]

Good article.

 

We don't have children and we are still pursuing infertility treatment, but after 5 years of infertility we've started to do more of the things in the article.  I remember that everyone has other issues to deal with.  That one is a biggie b/c even people with children can have lots of stress especially when dealing with teenagers and if they have a wild teenager into drugs, partying and sex that can be very stressful.  We have also been hanging out with other couples with infertility, so we go and have fun together.  It's nice to be able to talk about your job or other challenges in our lives and not have a parent say, "well, just wait until you have children b/c that is a lot harder than dealing with a bad boss (or whatever the situation is)".  

 

Another thing we do is have fun.  We go to plays, book vacations b/c life is so much more fun when you have adventures to look forward too.  

 

We aren't animal people either, so getting a dog isn't the solution for everyone.  Having an animal can interfere with vacation planning too b/c you need to have someone to look after the pet.

[gibasgirl]

Good points.

Yeah, I see people walking their dogs and picking up after them and that's not me.

Found another article.

http://seleni.org/in...er-infertility

[GraceM]

I have a friend who made this choice.  After 10 years of infertility and hundreds of thousands of dollars, this couple decided to embrace a childfree life. I think it was a difficult transition but now she is very, very happy and fulfilled.  They travel and have embraced many other hobbies. They have a wonderful marriage.  I think she is now genuinely happy after many years of hope mixed with pain.

 

Thinking of you and wishing you the best. 

[Red Wine]

One problem we face after over 5 years of infertility is we still get questions as to when we are having kids or do we want kids.  Of course, the answer is complex so we say we'll see what happens.  Depending on how young a couple looks they'll still get the questions about, "when are you having kids".  It just sucks that we have to justify our situation to society.

[gibasgirl]

Yes the justification is a pain.

I know a guy who finishes almost every thought with "when you become a parent/you won't understand until you become a parent."

But this is about moving forward and letting go of the sadness and embracing the unexpected future.

Found another article.

http://blog.silentso...aboo-i-do-too/

[Red Wine]

I know a guy who finishes almost every thought with "when you become a parent/you won't understand until you become a parent."
 

That's very ignorant.  

 

When people have said that to me I tell them I may not be a parent, but I am a person with a brain.  It pretty much shuts them up.  

[Red Wine]

This is a study titled:

 

Unresolved grief in women and men in Sweden three years after undergoing unsuccessful in vitro fertilization treatment

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm....les/PMC2993044/

[impatient]

Awesome article.  One of the few I've seen that is just really down to earth.

 

I think a lot of it is about your social circle.  If everyone around you has kids, conversations are bound to be limited and uncomfortable.  So, avoid suburbs and Ikea!

 

I agree about the dog thing.  It's nice to have something/someone to look after and to spoil, but on the other hand dogs (aka kids who never grow up) do take away from spontaneity and some of the other benefits of childfree living.

 

I think the people I know who are childfree who seem most fulfilled are the ones who have found their passion in life - either through their job or their hobbies.

[gracegirl]

We have had a dog for about 5 years and I never understood the concept of getting a dog to "replace" having kids. They don't...ours sure didn't, even though we love him to bits. I feel that a dog is not a child nor does a dog make you a mom or dad. I know it's what some people need, but it sure didn't heal any pain or heartache for us.

 

This last article GG was particularly good. Healing comes from within...

[impatient]

This last article GG was particularly good. Healing comes from within...

 

 

 

Yeah, that is a good article.  I started crying while I was reading it because the emotions are still so fresh.

 

I think healing does come from within, but I think healing is only possible when your life circumstances permit it. 

 

Personally, I beat myself up a lot trying to 'get over it' and 'get back to normal' ... and despite our best efforts, it wasn't possible at that time.  Counselling was not particularly helpful and we were not always treated particularly well by the medical field.  Then on top of that, there were financial issues, new health obstacles, lack of family support and some seriously crazy neighbours who were scaring the heck out of us. 

 

We were told by a counsellor not to make any major life changes while we were dealing with infertility, but there's no way we could have resolved our grief without selling our apartment ...  and without anti-depressants.  Just being honest.

[BCgirl]

Working towards accepting a childfree life myself so appreciate all of the great articles posted. I have read 'Silent Sorority' by one of the authors of the articles above and I really recommend it- the book was actually quite liberating! Not to say that there are not frequent struggles when deciding to get off the IVF train with no baby, but I love reading inspiring stories about women who have gone through the same challenge and come out OK on the other side.

[north]

 

I haven't watched this but watched another interview that I posted somewhere in another ivf.ca forum. Two of the same women were in the other video and I loved what they had to say. I hope this one is good too.