I have been a lurker for nearly two years now, the what are you tired of thread really made me feel like I was not alone. After yesterday, for the first time I now feel like I really need to ask for advice and had to create an account. I tried to write a signature but it became an epic novel and not a signature, I guess because I waited so long before joining.
Me: 39 No diagnosed issues
DH: 39, Nov 2000 - Vasectomy, Sep 2008 - Vasectomy reversal: Vasovasostomy
(DH has two children from previous marriage, vasectomy performed after first wife's severe postpartum depression following second son's birth. Ironically she would go on to have another child after divorce.)
June 2009 - Wedding, begin TTC in earnest, custody problems with DSs and my immigration (Me: American, Husband: Canadian) place TTC on back-burner.
Jan 2012 - Sperm count found to have dropped from 4 million and climbing post reversal, down to 1 million, morphology and motility 1%. Urologist feels possible blockage, believes surgery recovery time would be too long, with great chance of no improvement. Prognosis: IVF, with ICSI, possibly TESA. Questions concerning improving sperm count, quality, vitamins, IUI or any other option is automatically dismissed. 1st Heartbreak that natural, oops, or surprise will never happen. Have to wait for my Carte de soleil before we can start IVF.
July 2012 - First appointment with my doctor, ask if ICSI is 100%necessary, is there anything my husband can do to improve chances, she looks at urologists report, not really, on the day of collection they can decide what must be done.
Sep/Oct 2012 - All my necessary exams, taken, passed and releases filed. Ovarian reserve: 7 left, 9 right, told I had the ovaries of a woman 5 years younger. Initial heartbreak healing, very optimistic. Tech did mention uterus looks great, but saw very small fibroid, says "No reason to be concerned, may be a problem in a few years"
Nov 2012 - Name placed on list
Dec 2012 - Name at top of the list
Jan 2013 - IVF #1 Begin Antagonist protocol. 375 ui Repronex. Ultrasounds show I am "responding well, very good" but not ready, yet. Refilling prescription, I remark to pharmacist they should package the water separate, because when I mix all 5 - 75ui powder bottles in one vial, the 4 unused sterile water are a waste. He seems surprised" You're taking all five a day?", I say yes, he looks surprised but says nothing more.
Feb 2013 - Retrieval. 23 ova retrieved 20 mature. DH's sperm collected "regular way", told that TESA wasn't necessary. In the hallway exiting clinic after retrieval, receive cell phone call. It's the clinic, my blood work shows my hormone levels are too high, my fresh transfer has been cancelled, must wait two months, any embryos will be frozen, embryologist will call in three days. Embryologist Report : 23 ova, 20 mature, 14 successfully fertilized through ICSI, only 4 embryos survived to day 3 frozen, a fifth embryo was allowed to go to day 5 but arrested. Embryologist about to get off phone, I ask about quality, run around about different places, different terms, mumbles something about 2. Optimism totally obliterated.
March 2013 - Meeting with doctor before FET, 39 birthday approaching discusses if I am comfortable with two embryo transfer, Quebec prefers 1, usually never 2 before the age of 37, or unless there is a history of failed implantation. I say I am fine with that. Doctor calls to embryologist, and is told there were frozen in pairs already. I question about quality, told they are "good". Leave office wondering if they were "good" why were they already frozen in pairs before I was asked.
April 2013 Get paperwork and meeting for FET in May, meeting is with other women, notice all have same paperwork, realize I am doing FET substituted cycle, don't know why I wouldn't do natural.
May 2013 - FET #1 (2 - 9 cell, grade 2 embryos) while on the table is the first I hear they are 9 celled, everyone kept using the word perfect throughout the procedure, began to irritate me, because perfect means can't get and better, and a fresh transfer with 8 celled grade 1 would be "perfect". BFN
June 2013 - Appointment after failed transfer, doctor asks for first time if my periods are regular, they are, she says we will try natural FET next round. I am wondering why it wasn't done first round. I want to discuss what can be done to improve chances for IVF #2, once again ask what DH can do, again told "nothing really". I suggest maybe he should loose weight, because of correlation between weight and estrogen levels. Doctor says he is not overweight, DH responds he is actually obese by medical standards, he just carries it well, tells her his weight and height, she calculates BMI and is surprised, still responds, it wouldn't really help that much. Says from first round sperm was "sticky" hard to separate and choose good sperm for ICSI. Method for separation will be prescribed for next IVF. Will not prescribe such high dosage for stimulation for me. I tell the doctor these are the things that I want to know, that we are changes things that aren't work. Doctor says it isn't necessary to know everything that's going on, it causes people needless worry. DH tells her she doesn't know me. The unknown worries me more, not knowing the cause and feeling that important things are not being addressed, believing there were no problems discovered in the first round, /or no changes being made, why would we feel it would be successful the second time, so yes, we would like to know these things. Doctor prescribes, additional blood work and Hysteroscopy if not pregnant after transfer. DH gets prescription for vitamins DNA fragmentation test.
July 2013 - FET #2 ( 1 - 11 cell grade 2, 1 - 10 cell grade 2 (degenerated after thaw to 6 - cell, transferred both anyway) The word perfect thrown around again. Same doctor who did last transfer, he even threw in "comme un rêve", this time. BFN.
Yesterday - Bad Appointment with doctor, tell her I already went for blood work, DH test will be taken the day of my hysteroscopy which the next week. I hint that, even though I am fully prepared to do it to rule out possible issues, I don't really feel the hysteroscopy is unnecessary, my feeling is embryo quality is the reason for the failures and that I'd like to do what ever is necessary to improve the embryo quality. She says "You had a lot of eggs." I say yes, She says "You had 20, when there really should have been 8, when there's too many the egg quality can suffer." I wonder if I am being hyper sensitive, but I am irritated by this statement because 1. I feel like she's telling me this is something I caused, 2. This would confirm my feeling that a hysteroscopy isn't really necessary. She seems to want to get me out f the office, I know she is behind schedule because I waited an hour from when my appointment was scheduled, she asks me if I take Vitamin D, I answer not specifically, she fills a prescription and tells me "It's the new thing." I feel I haven't really been heard, but before I leave I want to mention that although neither resulted a pregnancy I felt better with the Natural as opposed to the Substitute cycle, during the substituted I didn't feel anything, not happy, or sad, or excited. She says "that's because you decided it wasn't going to work". That doesn't make sense to me because the quality of embryo on the Natural were far worse than the Substituted. She goes on to say "You had six embryos transferred..." I cut her off and say four, she says "No, six". I am stunned that she told me, No. I fully understand she has hundreds of cases and I am not bothered she had it wrong, but I was stunned, and a little angry that she didn't think I knew. She says, "You had two fresh, and two each in two frozen transfers." I tell her "No, only five survived past day three, one arrested being allowed to go to day five, I never had a fresh transfer and was extremely upset that it had to be been canceled because my hormone levels were too high. I had two FET's of two, one of which had a degenerated embryo, so I find its closer to three really." She looks a her computer. "Yes...that's not many, well I see here that your husbands sperm was very stuck together, perhaps we should go with a TESA next time." I am too angry, confused, and upset to do anything, but take my prescription and leave.
Here lies the real question, is this enough reason to change clinics, to change doctors. I am American in Quebec so that factors into my thinking. I have a friend in the US going broke trying to make their dream of children a reality, even though some of the tests and portions of medication aren't covered, we are nowhere near being sent to the poor house over this. I do anything they say and follow any order because I am just so grateful. I was also so excited how fast things went, I am terrified of switching clinics to go on a waiting list. I don't want to seem like this is my husbands fault and there's nothing wrong with me or be insensitive to anyone on this board, but there really is no problems with me. That most certainly will not be remain the case, randomly things could change, age will catch up to me, it's coming soon, I don't want to waste any time, I am afraid that his fertility issues will someday become our fertility issues and decrease our chances of having a child together. I also have always felt more comfortable with the devil you know.